It's funny (mentions of suicide tw)

My CBT person thinks the best thing for me to do would be to move out of my parents' house. I want to move out of my parents' house. I've been thinking about this. And I was watching Markiplier's LP of The Stanley Parable just now and it's put me in a weird mood.

And what's funny is that despite having no actual plans to do so (i'm scared of pain, i'm scared of death, i don't actually want to die, i know how much damage it would do to others), when I think about killing myself it feels weirdly inevitable. As though even though all the objections cited above are pretty damn strong ones, they will eventually crumble because the simple fact is that the world is Too Big and Too Complicated and Too Scary, and I will never be able to cope, and after a while this will become clear enough to me that the only logical step forward is death.
It's not that I get panicky, though I do sometimes. It's just a resigned aura of 'well if you're going to keep on the way you're going, it's going to lead to this particular end'. So I know that if I manage to change myself sufficiently, it won't happen. But changing myself seems impossible. My CBT person gave me a logical step towards moving out on Monday: she gave me a telephone number for a benefits hotline, so i could call up and find out if or how i could be eligible for benefits. Simple enough. But I will probably not do so. Because of two things: a) it seems like a good way to be told that i don't count, or am wrong about things, and that is intolerable. and b) i am afraid. i am afraid of not understanding the system. i am afraid of not getting what i need. i am afraid- and this shows how very privileged and classist i am, for which i apologise- of not having enough money to live on and living amongst people who also don't but have lived like that all their lives, whom i am certain will despise me or pity me (worse, almost) because i come from a well-off background. i am afraid of messing it up and having to go home again. i am afraid.
and i don't know if i can ever move past that fear. and it stops me doing things- it stops me doing a lot of things. not everything. i can do things. but big things. and because i can do things, and i do do things, nobody understands how much i am afraid. when i can't do things they think i'm being silly or making excuses, and if i just did it anyway it would be fine. and i know it would be fine. and i hate myself because i know full well it would be fine. but i am still afraid.

i should be in bed. christ.

 

*hugs* That's a rough situation. I hear you on the "people not understanding why you can't do things" front: that's really annoying.

For what it's worth: I believe that you can move past that fear, at some point somewhere down the line, and I believe that things will get better. I hear you that it seems impossible, insurmountable, but you gotta keep chipping away at it. You can do it.

Your fear is valid. Life is scary. Doing things can be scary. But I believe in you: you can do the thing. :) One step at a time. (probably a good next step is sleep.)

 

What's sort of depressing is that my first response to looking at that was 'wow i was not in a good place last night glad i'm better now' and then I realised that the only real reason I'm in a better mood right now is because I'm not thinking about these things, and if I started thinking about them again I'd probably pretty quickly end up in the same place. Bleh.

Thank you, really, for the vote of confidence. I can do things- I have done things! Quite scary things! I've been on cross-Atlantic aeroplanes all by myself!
The trouble comes when other people see me doing things and assume that this means that I will be able to do completely unrelated and much more serious things in the same way, and without attendant needless breakdowns. And no. It doesn't work like that.
Oddly enough if I am left alone, without other people coming along and inserting their opinions and methods and suchlike into the equation, I am better at actually doing things. But at the moment, because I am living in my parents' house, I feel obliged to keep them updated on what I'm doing, or they'll find out even if they're not trying to somehow, or I'll have to tell them because they have to do something, and that leaves me open to them commenting on things. And I'm not sure that even something as innocuous and positive as 'keep up the good work' isn't going to knock me for six somehow.
Which isn't to say that if I could somehow remove my parents from the equation that I'd be fine, because I wouldn't, because I haven't the first idea how one goes about getting benefits or getting a flat or any of these sorts of things and the fear gets in the way of looking it up, because I'm frightened that it'll be too jargony or complicated for me to understand.
And I explain these things to people and they still don't fucking get it. Probably doesn't help that I don't actually know what would make it better, I just know that a bright 'well these things are hard but you have to do them!' isn't it.

That sounds about right. I've always been off in the way I did things and behaved and I've been quite aware of it since I was a kid. I can't really say nothing was done, because the school gave me a place with their counsellor (and they didn't have many) and I also got a counsellor for a while from Connexions which was a sort of careers advisory thing attached to but not part of the school who was I think supposed to help me out with the work experience things I had to do around year ten but ended up being a more general counsellor like the other one. I liked them and I liked going to them. But they didn't lead to anything- not even the school counsellor going 'i will be blowed if this child is not autistic' (that's where my mother got the idea, which she has clung to ever since) led to anything, because I think my mother tried to pursue an assessment but it fell through somehow, i never really knew much about it.
I don't know, I'm rambling. My CBT person told me that she was chasing up the thing on the initial assessment report that said 'send to autism specialist for assessment', and was like 'once you have that you'll be able to claim things like disability' so it seems she was talking like a diagnosis would happen but she's previously told me that she really doesn't think I'll get one because the NHS only likes diagnosing people where it's really obvious and crippling and I'm too good at things like thinking from other people's POVs and such, so to get one I would have to go private which costs. So I no longer know what to believe, though my brain is reassuring me that of course nobody will diagnose me with anything, don't be silly, even if you have anything it's only edge-of and that doesn't count.

 

I get you on the whole "how to adult and do things and they are complicated how do I do them!?". I actually cheated when I moved out the first time(and the second) and had my moirail do all the searching and technical stuff. I came along to make sure I liked the place and that the numbers were manageable. But pretty much everything was in her name, including the utilities. If/when I move out again, it won't be quite as scary because I have peripheral experience with it, but other things give me giant hang ups(like medical insurance and scholarships).

I am also playing the "don't think about it" game. Not doing very well at it because the last two days have sucked.

So hugs!

 

Ahaha yes, cheating was one way I thought about doing it, but the thing is I kind of want to do it myself, so I can learn how it works. Because once I know how it works, it usually appears to be less complicated and also much less terrifying. So the only thing to do is suck it up, really. >< I just want to find a way to suck it up that doesn't make me feel like a fucking failure for not having already done so.

Sorry to hear you've been having a sucky time. =( Hugs for you as well!