my left foot has been numb for 3+ months now but this weekend it's also started to feel painful my left hand's going numb too, but that's less noticeable. last three fingers on the hand. docs said they'd rec me a neurologist when i went in 3 weeks ago but i havent heard anything...
'wow it is sad when people are adults and still bitter about their parents be happy for people who have minor gripes about their parents to complain about' look i am definitely not commenting on anyone's parent-loving thread to be like 'lol my parents are fucked' or any boundary crossing like that but i am aware of the fact my parents will probably influence my life until they're dead because the economy here is shite and realistically, outside of your immediate family friends come and go. we all like to talk a big game about found family but it's only the lucky few who really get something like that. at the end of the day, most people care about their flesh and blood real families more than some friend they have so half my life already is over and it's hard not to be a little bitter about the fact i kind of got fucked over before i was even born and that a bunch of other people are, realistically i'm not some 15 year old who has dreams of finding love and acceptance once i reach adulthood. im 28. knowing me ill probably be dead in 20 or so years anyway, probably more than half my life is over. some people are just miserable their whole lives and then they die. people can criticize me for not making the best of it all they want. ultimately im the one who is living here
my issue is, at the end of the day, i am a fundamentally worthless and unlovable person. i do not think there is any WORTH or VALUE in me being alive. sure, if it was like... it's easy to say 'life doesn't have to be meaningful it just has to be fun'. but what if you don't have fun. what then? there's not much to do about being worthless and unlovable. make yourself more lovable, is of course, the answer. and it's not like i am not kind and patient to the people i care about. so what then? i can't find value in anything i do either. i just do not consider myself skilled enough or capable of reaching the skill level necessary to help the world be a better place. perhaps it's unwinnable.
Spoiler So regarding the stuff with my partner, they moved in with the ex without telling me. I've kept my relationship with my partner because honestly... they're the only real friend I have, who is nice to me, shares interests, has spent so many years with me... I do love them. I don't really have anyone else I'm close to, honestly. But now, I don't know what to do... they'll obviously be busy with the person who hates me. I still feel I have nothing very special going on with my life. I don't make friends easily, being a socially awkward autistic with hyper focused SIs and now being fucking old on top of it. I've kind of missed the peak of my youth. I kind of can't help but feel... there's no way forward from here.
i think the problem i keep circling back to is... there are infinitely more reasons to die than live life is not very encouraging relationships are hard to find and maintain, esp as an autie. my one irl friend keeps making pa remarks about me not interacting a lot, but they don't like when I'm sad so I've been trying to avoid talking to them while sad... as far as my partner, that whole mess is above my family... would take paragraphs. but it's not good. i at least wish my relationship with my siblings was good, somehow that always seems to work out for people who aren't me why am i so uniquely unloveable? i have medical issues that im looking into i'll never have the money or distance from my family to transition. and hey being an ugly trans ace autie with trauma is a pretty unwinnable combination in relationships period, whether platonic OR romantic and... i don't really have anything to look forward to in life but being a cog in a machine. why do people NOT want to die when it comes down to it?
I took about 1200 mg of bupropion and I'm a little worried... I did intend to die or at least I hoped there was a chance of such, but I didn't really think this through. It takes a long time for effects really, and I'd either like to die or be okay to study for my midterm. To be honest, I should have researched the medication more but it was an impulsive choice.
I’m keeping you in my thoughts. Just know that I truly do want things to improve for you. <3 And if you think you need to, please seek medical help for that. I don’t know about the effects there but I really do want you to be okay.
Things won't get better for me, I think But other people make their choices and I can make mine too, I suppose Honestly, nothing might happen, because I've read some people have taken up to 1200 mg recreationally. we'll see
i don't really... want any more 'micromanaging how to be less miserable in your daily life' tips or things like that anymore, you know, the busywork so you don't succumb to depression and off yourself i mean what's it all for? i don't care... i don't want to be here... i Really don't want to be here. all the time. living is a painful task. i contribute nothing. about 2 or 3 people would care or even know if i was dead aside from my wretched family. very few people are aware of my internal world, just 'a nice, happy, curious, always smiling' presence. a shallow existence out of the corner of their eye, blink and you forget. well it's not like they'd gain much from my depression im miserable. im miserable all the time and just have to pretend im not. and so on. and so on. i just want to be very very very very very dead i want that i want someone to tell me how, the best and most effective way to do it. the easiest access. I struggle with inflicting abrupt violence on the self. but if euthanasia was legal i'd take it
a friend called the cops on me because of my suicidal ideation. i don't know. i understand where they came from but i don't think it helped in any way. just. lays down.
