Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

i'm so fucking tired of being his favourite sibling, i don't want to talk on the phone with you, i don't want to work with you, i don't want to be the Good Sibling that you can Trust with your Secrets, i don't want to move across the goddamn country to be your roommate, i don't want to drop everything and go on a months-long Adventure with you, leave me alone, leave me alone
don't call me kiddo, don't call me champ, don't act like we're close, i've only seen you once in the past four years, and you spent that entire ONE VISIT pissing me off, we're not close and i don't like you
i'm not on your side
i don't want to meet your weird wife, i don't want to skype, i don't want to see your face
leave me alone

 

Spoiler: ed tw

apparently deliberately reading triggering shit does not actually make me less vulnerable. it just makes me unhappy and furiously angry. who'd have known.

relatedly, yes, you can stop losing weight when you starve yourself, it's a starvation defense mechanism, it doesn't mean you're secretly eating 2,000calories a day!!!

 

Spoiler: tw suicidal thoughts

it really really really really really really really sucks when you're about 80%-90% sure you have depression and your parents don't believe you. like a lot. i'm still so hurt by the fact that my own dad accused me of a faking a mental ilness as an excuse to get out of having to find a job, and i can't bring it up, i can't talk about it w/ him or anything. i'm stull upset about it and i don't feel like i have a reason to be. but that's not even the main thing

like i slept in till 2 today which is honestly still early for me, i've been staying up obnoxiously late and going to bed at like 9-10 AM, yesterday i just stayed up all night because i've been trying to fix my sleep schedule for weeks but i passed out on the couch around 11 and slept till maybe 3-4, and so today wen i woke up at 2 i was like okay, that's improvement but apparently not for my mom? because she's just been stomping around throwing a fit slamming my door

she was doing laundry and she came in and threw my clothes at me?? and like of course i don't have a right to be upset or hurt by that, because it's my fault, i am the fuck up here. i'm taking advantage of my parents because they aren't charging me rent, i'm just a waste of their money and space. they would be so much better off if i was dead.

and i can't tell them that, i can't tell them that i'm sleeping so much because i keep hoping i don't wake up, because they think i'm just lying to them for attention

and i can't find a job right now, when i'm such a suicidal fuck up, i can barely feed and bathe myself

everuthing fshurts and i wish it would stop

 

Spoiler: im tired

i am really really tired, and i am really really not liking myself lately. i'm so tired of myself. why am i like this, why do i keep doing this, when am i gonna shape the fuck up and become someone worthwhile, when am i gonna be happy and healthy and productive
i don't even know what that looks like
why do i sit around feeling bad for myself instead of doing something about it
i hate my brain. i hate that the ways in which it fucks me over have results that are indistinguishable from laziness and apathy and stupidity. it's not bad enough to be a Real Problem that explains why i am the way i am, but it doesn't work, either, and it's so hard to tell where my shitty brain ends and my shitty personality begins
i'm tired. i had a couple of good weeks and they got my hopes up that maybe this downswing was over, but one (1) failure dumped me right back into the morass that i've been chilling in for the past year, and i made the mistake of giving people expectations of me, and now i'm so scared to let them down, so i'm doing that thing where i bullshit everyone that everything's fine while doing nothing to fix the problem
i can't believe i lied to my therapist

 

I want to scream until I'm hoarse at everything in the world, but mostly at myself. Scream till I'm mute and stay that way.

 

i've been randomly blurring in amd out of consciousness these past few days and it's becoming increasingly difficult to differentiate between real memories and dream memories. i'm saying things i barely remember saying, and it's so hard not to say things that are not a garbled mess. the paranoia is unreal

 

I'm feeling annoyed because the recent discussions on Kintsugi seem to be suggesting that I should be upset with a person I knew and genuinely liked and who I genuinely liked doing stuff with because their behaviour was Bad. And yet, I'm not upset with that person because it was fun, I initiated things, and I don't think they ever did anything I wasn't comfortable with. Like, I'd do it all with them again, if I got a chance to. Like, honestly, the idea it's Morally Wrong for me to be happy with it and to like that person bothers me leagues more than anything that actually happened did.

And I'm worried that if I mention it at all to my friends on here, they'll be like, "that's bs, you were totally traumatized by it and they were a total asshole, stop denying it," that they won't accept my assessment of my own experience and will think I was hurt, despite what I say to the contrary. That, by just mentioning it, I'll get people doubting my feelings about it out of misguided caring.

 

It pisses me off that neuroscience article writers are consistently incapable of differentiating between sex and gender. These two words are not interchangeable. If you cannot keep the words apart on your own, pay a fucking humanities BA student (literally any field would get it right more consistently than you, it doesn't matter in the slightest which one) to edit your papers. Gender has nothing to do with health problems, unless you are talking about trans specific things, you are looking for "sex differences" and my judgemental BA gender studies student ass is judging you.

 

The politics of spoon theory are annoying the hell out of me. I feel like it might be something useful to me but every time I think about using it I think about these people who are like "well don't use it if you aren't severely physically disabled :)" and I'm not. All things considered I'm pretty minorly ill--it's just stomach stuff and migraines, and I haven't even gotten to the point where my migraines are considered "chronic" (considering you need 15 migraine days a month, if that's what you need to get a spoonie badge I will pass). But I am tired a lot and it has to do with the ways my body doesn't work right and I think it might be useful but...ugh.

Also, I could really do with someone IRL to talk to about the "am probably autistic" thing. Because I am not too terribly close to anyone on here, though I've gotten some good advice from some of you, and the thing is--this is something that, like, on the list of things that I've been concerned about and have been affecting me, is pretty high, so I'd like to talk about it. But literally everyone I am IRL friends with knows less about this stuff than I do. Like, worryingly a lot less sometimes. So I get to put on my healthcare communicator hat first (yay using my degree for something, I guess?) if I want to talk about any of it at all. And, like, as mentioned above, I am tired. As much because I'm pretty sure my job makes me overloaded as because of other things. So having a long, complex, fraught conversation in which I take a lot of emotional risk, explain a lot of complicated stuff and end up with a pretty good chance of being solidly disbelieved in the end? Hahaha nope. Especially since my first attempt to explain "I might be autistic" to a friend ended with her not really believing me and me dropping it and not bringing it up again (admittedly, I had a lot of doubts of my own back then, and still do, but...the way it went down still kinda sucked, and it wasn't even her meaning anything by it, it was just her not getting it and me not being up to explaining at the time when I tried to, so yeah).

 

I just had a panic attack caused by heat and humidity. I was outside in 90 degree heat and ninety degree humidity for five hours. First I got nausea, so I took a dramamine. I felt disoriented and disconnected from that so somehow I convinced myself that I was having heatstroke. I was dripping sweat, we were at my nieces outdoor swim meet so I couldn't escape the heat. I started wandering around in the heat (I think moving helps me?), because sitting in a chair and trying to read made me feel like I was losing my mind. About twenty minutes before we left, it got very hard for me to carry on a conversation. Everything got..strange, I thought I was going to vomit but no, then I couldn't breath, I ended up ditching my relatives and running semi consciously through a wooded area while sobbing and hyperventaliating. I couldn't let them see me lose it. I managed to compose myself but I still thought I'd gotten heatstroke or something until I looked up the symptoms online. I was jumpy as all hell on the ride home, I almost started crying again when she hit the breaks too abruptly.

I kept remembering how my sister was always accusing me of being overdramatic or 'faking it' when I got upset as a child. The idea that I had to hide this from her made it worse >>;. I just, fuck. Ok, this was so stupid, I still feel like I'm only a few steps away from panicking again even though I'm in a nice, air conditioned building with no one bothering me.

I just need to calm the fuck down...

 

Dad is really sick right now after chemo and could end up with serious organ damage even in good case scenarios and I don't even know how to freak out properly, much less not kind-of-sort-of freak out at all, and meanwhile I've been fucking up all pretenses I have of a sleep schedule and I've only visited him like three times in this whole time and I should care more and be doing more and not making it about me by having an impromptu depression slump and I. I don't know. I don't know anything right now, what do I even do, what are people supposed to do when they're awake, and why am I not doing whatever it is? Why is it so difficult?

 

girlfriend last seen on telegram 1hr ago

my brain: she's dead and now you're going to have to kill yourself to avoid moving back in with your abusive parents

me: frantically googling recent local news for traffic accidents or shootings

 

-

 

is it time to feel panicky and horrible over something pathetic and trivial?

yes it is

 

I feel like I shouldn't exist and don't exist I feel like one day I will die and all traces of me will erode away. I've tried as hard as I can to exist and I still don't.

Spoiler: obnoxious

can somebody please convince me I deserve to exist, that I have a positive effect on the world, that when I die someone will mourn me

 

Dad is worse. Mom is shocked that it is even possible to be "much worse" than yesterday and still alive. At hospital having breakfast now. Considering panicking but unsure if it is because I actually feel panicked or because it seems like the socially acceptable thing to do. The fact that I can ask that question makes me feel like I should just stop whining about it.

 

You do deserve to exist. Evidence: Your Rp characters are ideas are super fun. (But even if they weren´t you´d still deserve to exist)

 

witnessed @keltena

 

he's gone and I couldn't even be bothered to be there

 

Witnessed, keltana.

Spoiler: My own griping

I'm so angry. Just, not at anything in particular, I'm just... so angry, all the time. It used to be that I was constantly worried about things, now I am still sometimes that but more I just feel this constant, bitter seething rage... It makes me act like a shit person sometimes and I just... what is wrong with me, God.

I used to be such a nice person now it's all hate and anger and nobody liking me and nothing being enough and there being too much of things and I'm just angry and a bad person and I don't like who I'm becoming