I know I shouldn't post this because it's a terrible thing to do and I shouldn't whine at all of you but fuck it, I'm terrible, why not fucking compound the terrible Spoiler I’m not suicidal in that I’d never kill myself because I’m a coward but I really want to be dead, or at least, I really want to not be living. I don’t really bring anything or do anything good, I’m ugly, I’m abrasive, and I can’t do anything, like I can’t do simple fucking tasks right. i’ve spent the past 11 years drawing and writing and yet I am still utter shit at both, I am clumsy and fuck up anything physical and I’m stupid and fuck up anything intellectual and I’m an asshole and fuck up anything emotional. I only have three friends and I am pretty sure two of them only stick around because they would feel bad if they dropped my clingy ass and I don’t want to tell my moirail anything because I’m afraid of driving her away with such a fuck up I am, although she probably is already going to get rid of me when she realizes what a gross ass fuck I am. I spent a lot of my high school years trying to keep quiet and keep my goddamn mouth to myself, especially online because I’m afraid that if I say something people disagree with that they will literally attempt to kill me but also if I stay silent I can pretend that if I just spoke up, people would like me. But now I’ve been trying to speak up more and people still don’t like me, I still haven’t gained any friends, I’m still worthless and disgusting and I know it’s terrible to go “waah waah people should pay attention to me!” but fuck it, I am terrible! I am the fucking worst! I’ve never been a part of a community, at most I’ve just loitered around at the edge of a friend group like a fucking freak trying to figure out what magic combination or words will make them like me and I could never fucking figure it out, I tried to tell gross ass jokes like them but I always took it too far and even they thought I was terrible, and when my ex dumped me and I lost that friendgroup I desperately tried to join another except all of them barely tolerated me out of pity. I just, I know I shouldn’t be alive because I’m not doing anything, there’s no point, and I would rather not just keep living when I know that I’m just going to fuck up and be lonely, fuck up and be lonely, from here until someone fucking hits me with a car, but I’m such a fucking coward that I’m too afraid to kill myself, because I a spoiled little asshat and I’m afraid of not existing. I’m nearly 20 and I still live with my parents and I still have no job and I’m still going to community college because I a worthless fucking piece of shit who only passed high school because the teachers took pity on me and gave me 50 fucking second chances which I didn’t deserve and didn’t justify, and I can’t move out and live alone because I’m absolutely terrified whenever I’m home alne and I can barely clean and can’t cook at fucking all but I couldn’t live with a roommate because I’m so fucking loud and wierd and obnoxious and I take up too much space and I make wierd ass involuntary sounds and I run back and forth across the house whenever I’m thinking because I’m a fucking freak and I don’t know why. I just, I don’t matter and I don’t bring anything to anyone and I wish I would grow the fuck up and stop being scared of death so I could kill myself because I’m just causing misery to myself and others it would be like putting down a dog.
NO it wouldn't be 'like putting down a dog!" I an absolutely tell you that plenty of people around you would be devastated by your death even if you don't think so! That definitely sounds suicidal to me. You aren't worthless or useless, I promise you
I'm all against the people killing themselves thing. So, please don't? Also, that sounds like a lot of dysfunction. It's very possible you have some sort of brain bug that is keeping you from being you. Have you looked into some type of therapy? I hear that colleges usually have something like that available. At the very least, that definately sounds like depression. If you wanna talk about brain things/dysfunctions, this community is pretty good at listening and helping point you in the right direction. So, stay safe. Feel free to talk. No one here will think you are a horrible person. I mean, a good chunk of us have struggled with the whole friends thing(some still are), but it is a learning process. If you have some major unresolved brain bugs, it only makes things harder.
@Delilah , you're an entire person deserving of happiness and love whose brain is trying very hard to kill them. It's very brave and good that you reached out. Please follow up on this corageous move by calling a suicide prevention center and talking it out with them, and by seeking counsel or therapy if that's at all possible to you. You can do it. You're not a dog to be put down, you're a human being. And if you wanna make friends - you can start here by staying with us and telling us more, ok? :)
I'm 22 and I actually had to move back home from a dorm because I felt just like you do. Seconding the dysfunction thing and looking into therapy. Also are you autistic? Some of what you described sounds like autism to me. -hugs- You're not alone in feeling like this and you're not terrible and you're welcome here.
Hi, um. I'm a little calmer now, I was really flipping out this morning. I wouldn't say I feel better but I feel duller, so. I'm scared of therapy. For one thing, money, but for another thing, I'm scared of telling someone everything and them going "no, sorry, ur just shitty at being a person, prolly should just kill yourself and hope you get reincarnated as something more your speed like a possum." I'm sacred of not being able to figure out the right combination of words to make them go "ah, this girl is fucked! Wow that's a problem!" I'm scared of having to navigate the process to find therapy, because bureaucracy makes my head shrivel up and die. I'm scared of taking the therapists time away from someone who probably needs it more than I do. I'm scared of asking people at my school if there is any mental health services and what should I do to get them. I'm afraid to post in the more serious forums because people with real issues who need real help are supposed to post there. Same with suicide hotlines. Re: Cowardice. And like I said, I am probably never going to kill myself, because if there's anything worse then existing it's just plain not existing, just ending, and nobody would remember me or think of me and I would matter even less. But that's a selfish way to look at it, because I'm selfish and terrible and all I care about is getting attention and affection from other people like a leech. If I had a belief in any sort of afterlife and was otherwise still myself, I think I probably would have attempted suicide by now, even if I thought I was going to hell. I have an account (this is a sub) but I am too boring/obnoxious/bitchy to make friends. So. Thank you all, though. Reading these messages did help.
Believe me, this is a Real Issue that needs Real Help. And no therapist will ever tell you to go be a possum.
kiddo, you are SEVERELY depressed, and you really, really need to see a doctor about it ASAP! if you're in the US, you don't necessarily need to start by getting a therapist. a GP can prescribe some antidepressants -- i got my lexapro through my GP even though i have a therapist. and i promise you, unless your doc is batshit insane, "i'm very depressed and it's interfering with my studies" will be all you need to share in order to try one of the non-controlled antidepressants like lexapro or wellbutrin. depression is a liar. it tells you terrible terrible things about yourself and makes you believe them. but those things are NOT TRUE. depression is a disease and you cannot cure it by willpower alone, any more than positive thinking can cure cancer. your neurochemicals are haywire. this is a physical problem in your physical brain. it's not your fault.
One time I got my gp to give me some kind of heavy calming stuff for panic attacks but whenever I am panicking I am convinced that if I take just one of them I'll be addicted for the rest of my life so. And right now the state has been pulling healthcare bullshit with my family- we have literally got two different packets on consecutive days, one saying "here are your healthcare details" and one saying "we can no longer provide healthcare for you." I have about 4 or 5 different insurance cards and I don't know which one is valid. I know depression is a liar, which is why I have observed things. I can tell that people don't really like/arent interested in what I have to say, because people don't like how I respond to them in conversation and ignore or dismiss things I bring up. I know I am bad at art and writing because I can observe my art and writing and see that it is subpar even after just practicing and taking classes and so on. I know I'm annoying and wierd because people have told me as much, and I know that I'm useless because I've had no real effect on the world and people around me except my parents, who might have been better off without me. It's just. I have never seen any evidence to the contrary.
The stuff for panic attacks is addicting but the stuff for depression is not. The only thing you'll be getting addicted to is not having to feel like you should die all the time.
@Delilah Observation isn't separate from brainwrong. The things you observe are twisted by depression. There is plenty of "evidence to the contrary" in the world which you can't see no matter how much you observe it because we see with out minds, and your mind is sick. Like, the stuff you're saying about your art and writing is stuff that every single depressed artist has already said about their art, no matter its failings. Non-depressed people look at art that is worse than yours and say "I am going to learn to be better, because I have a future in which I can act". And your brain, being sick, isn't able to access that energy and hope. But it is still there. You can and will find it again, if you get help.
I just don't see how I could be good at anything, or how I could be a good person. The terrible is basically all there is to me, I even posted this thread basically just to fucking get attention. I just feel like if I were likable, people would like me. If they don't, then I am probably not. That's all that makes sense.
@Delilah Because the depression fucks with your perspective and your interactions. We see that you can be good at things and a good person! And there's nothing wrong with wanting attention and trying to get it! We all do it because it is a basic human need. As for finding the right words to get help, show any therapist or gp that first post and they will go "that is severe depression and we need to treat that ASAP". ANY mention of wanting to be dead ,whether or not you intend to act on it, is serious because that is not a thought that occurs to people with healthy brains. I've been scared of going through all the steps to get help too. Sometimes there's a lot and it can be very overwhelming! If there's anyone at all you can open up to about this, talk to them (you can always just show them that first post!) and get them to help you look things up, make phone calls, write emails, make you go to appointments whatever you need to get help.
getting attention when you're in trouble is a perfectly reasonable thing to do! it's only because mental illness is so stigmatized that a lot of us fear it's not okay to do. but if someone posted "gdi i broke my leg in a state park and i'm three miles from the trailhead, what do?" would we be mad at them for posting about their problems 'just' to get attention? no way! we'd be telling them how to contact the park rangers in their area and helping them with things like going back to get their car later since they can't drive with a broken leg. you're having a really hard time and you need help. that is a VERY good reason to send up emergency flares. and responding to those is part of what this forum is for!
Some more food for thought: I am currently really depressed and overloaded. I feel like a shell of my former self. I can't maintain my environment nor my relationships. I am lonely. Being a person is hard. I need to be a person in order to make friends. I can't function and do the things that make me feel valuable and wanted. This is what mental illness does. It doesn't only lie to you, it takes a part of you away. Therapy and medicine can help you find yourself. When you are yourself again, you can do, you can be. You can learn, you can function, you can contribute. You can exist. It's extremely hard to feel worthwhile when a part of you is missing. I get the scared part. I've been scared of getting meds and seeing a doctor. It took listening and learning from the Minnesota crew for about a year before I was willing to even consider it. Then it took months longer to actually get things started. I finally made an appointment yesterday to see a doctor. So, do what you can now. If that means learning and sharing here, that's fine. If you can see a therapist or a doctor, that would be better. Just don't give up on yourself. Stay safe. Keep on fighting.
