Spoiler Started feeling dreamy and out of my body and blank and No and everything was hurting already and I couldn't think. Drifted from living room to bedroom, stared out window, went to kitchen. Paring knife scratches and cuts all over the forearm. Again. God damn it why the fuck am I like this. On the up side, now my arm burns and aches so I'm focusing on that as Oh It Hurts Because I Did It, not "is this hurting because of X,Y, or Z this time." this is going to be a long 2 weeks.
Spoiler: restricting Periods coming, so bloating. Depression, so more bloating. Lack of activity from flares so hello fat + 10. I ate two peanut butter sandwiches but I'm going to see how long I can last with nothing more than tea. I'm a gigantic fucking slob, I keep getting BIGGER, and I can't make it stop. I don't deserve to eat. What the fuck else do I have to lose really.
i feel like my self harm is "not self harm-y enough" tbh, but fuck it Why do you do it? previously i mostly did it during anxiety attacks i had back when i was first starting T (with the injections), but more and more ive been using it as a way of self punishing. like, "im a monster, i dont deserve to sleep or eat today." or more short term stuff like biting into my arm until i either cant properly breathe or i start bleeding. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? no. and with the line im toeing and the severity of the people assuring me that i should be ashamed, i fear it might get worse. Do you regret it? absolutely. or maybe not. on one hand, i feel like this is only the beginning, so i wish i had never started coupling relapses with physical punishment. on the other hand, who am i to know where id be without this? id like to think that im a better person than this, btu what if theyre right? what if this punishment is what i need? What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? to stop. to feel like i dont need it. that i dont even need the threat of it. to finally get rid of my suicide pact ring. this will take a long time. it involves coming to value myself and my safety as much as i value others'. other than that, idk what to do... Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? yes and yes. but not the "hurting yourself isnt the answer! :O" kinda help, the "youre not what they say you are" kind. or maybe not?? maybe this is the right thing to do, so i shouldnt get help...
Spoiler: shame so i used to cut & used to restrict like crazy and sometimes still restrict but maybe more by accident than anything else and i quit smoking but yesterday started smoking again and started burning myself with the cigarette butts and it was good but bad and now i feel worse the thing i hate about self-harm is that you do it then after you feel good for a really little bit and then you feel worse which makes it easier to do it again and I'm trying really hard not to do it again right now. anybody out there?
Bleh I just kinda wanted to spit out my thing into this thread just to have it out there Spoiler: wading through my issues mMy self harm distinguishes itself into 2 very seperate very distinct types: rage and punishment. I have a real temper, but not many people ever get to see it, because I've spent so long shoving my emotions away until they dissolve into nothing that I can barely sustain my anger anymore, and have trouble remembering the intensity or reasoning behind my emotions even just a few hours after an incident. I'll take an x-acto knife to my hips so it stays well-hidden, or do like @emythos mentioned and smash just-blown-out matches on my arms and claim that they're bug bites I've picked sore. It reminds me that I was feeling strongly enough to warrant a physical reminder of it. My self-punishment type is weird, though, because I never know what's going to set me off and make me go "okay, you fucked up, now deal with the consequences." Usually it's stuff like sleep or food deprevation, too-hot or too-cold showers, one incident where I soaked my hands and feet in water and stood outside for 30 minutes in the middle of the night January. Prolonged suffering type stuff.
@Jojo, Spoiler I hear you re: self-punishment. I do the same sorta thing. :( I used to do the creative stuff a lot more when I was younger, but I still sometimes find Interesting ways to make myself suffer. I'm sorry to hear you deal with that too; it really sucks. (cw: burns and aftercare I guess?) Spoiler I scratched at an old brand wound of mine and ended up having to pierce it to drain the blood that collected underneath because I got worried about infections and junk. (I don't know if that's actually a concern. It might be purely me extrapolating about bad things with limited knowledge. Please don't read that and assume that's what you have to do.) Now I'm even more concerned about it because I feel like I fucked the healing process up, even though this has happened before without problems. And ashamed because everyone around me doesn't want me to do it. It's just a really gross sort of feeling I wish I didn't do this shit. annnd in the spirit of SELF-INJURER INTRODUCTION i will do the questions Why do you do it? A lot of reasons. I dissociate really hard sometimes, and I need to get pulled back into the present, and pain is a really good way to do that. My emotions are hella dysregulated and pain is a good focusing point to try and rein rampaging emotions into. And trauma stuff means I want to punish myself too, and I guess I have some some weird not-dysphoria which factors into it when hurting specific areas too. Having scars I can point to is really helpful to me as well, because even if I can't remember when I was hurting that much it's physical proof that I was hurting that much and that's very meaningful to someone with such a shitty memory like me. Just straight up ADHD stimming or nervousness gestures, too, for milder things which I don't even notice myself doing. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? I've... tried to stop the stuff which scars me, at least. I had a really good run of no permanent marking SI after (cw suicide) Spoiler I tried I kill myself last year (I'm in a better place now please don't worry) and made resolutions to try and be A Better Human but I eventually fell off that proverbial wagon. Do you regret it? Oh yeah. I feel like a real shitty and broken human being when I violate one of the most basic safety protocols my body has. But I also regret not going further and hurting myself more, sometimes, when I'm trying to punish myself. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? Broadly, my goal is harm reduction. I've been trying to transition from SI which leaves permanent scars to SI which doesn't, right now; it doesn't itch all of the same itches but it works for some of the reasons I hurt myself at least. It's also good for recognising more of my behaviours as self-harm behaviours. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? I do, but I'm also kind of conflicted about it. I want to stop worrying everyone around me, but I also know by now that extracting such a broadly-applied coping mechanism without putting anything else in to replace it is a Bad Idea. I do think I need help, which is why I'm seeing a bunch of psychiatric professionals. (edited to fix spoilertags)
I pick blemishes extensively, tweeze hairs in certain areas, and gnaw my fingernails/cuticles. Why do you do it? Feels good/calming/soothing/usual. Definitely tied to anxiety, I tend to destroy my nails before stressful events. But it's also just super habitual at this point, it's what my hands want to do (at least in regards to the skin-picking). Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? Intermittently I "stop", but I generally start up again, so I don't think it really counts. Do you regret it? Yeah, to some extent. I don't like looking like this (mostly pick on face/back of neck), but apparently not enough to counteract the urge. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? I'd like to stop picking my face mostly. Maybe after that, reducing the amount of harm I do to my nails/cuticles. I don't know at the moment how to achieve it; potentially reducing the amount of zits I get on my face? But I haven't found a product that works for me. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? If I could do it without causing any harm to myself (lol) I would never stop. But since it does, I do want to (once again, to some extent). Help hasn't helped so far, but maybe there's a type of help out there somewhere that would, and I probably need it.
@Saro I have some tips on how to stop biting your nails from when I kicked knowing my nails if you wanna hear. I can't help on the picking at your face and neck because I haven't been able to stop that myself (I focus more on the chest tho. Probably connected to dysphoria but that's neither here nor there).
Spoiler: uh. cw too chill about mild incidental self-harm? i should maybe feel more concerned about how much satisfaction i get out of attacking my own face with a sewing needle. and maybe about how excited i was to find a sewing needle in the first place, like "oooooh jackpot, that is sharp as fuck" but digging little tiny milia out of my face is so so so satisfying and i don't want to stop doing it, even though it means i now have three tiny scabs on my face. i was disappointed that there wasn't more to pick. fake edit: i now have five tiny scabs on my face and i'm super pleased with myself kintsugi user applechime, disturbingly blasé about mild facial self-mutilation since 1994
i'm not the intended recipient but i would really appreciate advice on how not to bite my nails so much, they barely even exist anymore and not even the gross kind of nail polish has worked for long - i managed to quit for a couple of months once, but then stress happened again and whelp there i went :I
@prismaticvoid it help if someone tells you you aren't a pathetic fucking loser? i know that works 4 a friend of mine. because srsly, you managed to kick the habit once, you'll kick it again. maybe even before it becomes a habit again.
some good news: I have an appointment with at a dermatology place later this month, so hopefully I will find out 1) why I get all the bumps/not quite zit things I do and 2) how to keep them from happening/reduce them. that way I can work at the source of the picking. the difficult pArt is like... not picking at stuff leading up to the appointment, and also hopefully having obvious examples of what I'm talking about. im worried my skin will be mostly clear when I go and the person will say "this is a normal amount of blemishes, you just have oily skin" or something. that's kind of unfounded, though.
@Avery Dermatologists can also work from pictures! They totally appreciate it if you're like: 'Well, today is not looking so bad, but here's this totally gruesome picture from three days ago!' :)
oh hey are we on skin picking chat? b/c i am having Issues. i used to self harm by cutting but haven't done so for a few years now. i've always been fascinated with pimples and ingrown hairs but it's never been too much of an issue, except in the last month i've noticed i've gotten a lot worse about it to the point where the other day i stood in the bathroom at work for like 20 minutes meticulously extracting blackheads on my chin. Why do you do it? there is a Thing in my Skin that should Not Be In My Skin and is making it Imperfect and I need to Make It Not Be There. and the feeling of removing a pimple/ingrown hair is super satisfying and relieving. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? nnnnnnnnnot yet. Do you regret it? on one hand it is really satisfying, but i'm worried about infections and potential scarring What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? to work out how to not do the thing, i guess? i thought not cutting meant i was self-harm free but i've sorta realised over the last month or so that this is getting out of hand. i don't really know what to do with this revelation though. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? yeah and yeah :c eta: i also do it at other people which is extra not good. any time i see a pimple, either on myself or someone else, it consumes all my thoughts. mushroom is pretty good at deterring me but alas, she is not here.
me: *picks at a blemish on my thigh* this will have no negative repercussions blemish: *bleeds on my new cute pastel rainbow pajama pants that i love* me: fortunately i was able to get it out before it took but :\
