i can't name things and this may become a relevant title

I want to try to put my thoughts about how my brain works into writing, and probably whine.
Replies welcome.

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder HUH ...this is suspiciously familiar (will write about how later)

 

Every time I read something about the imminent collapse of civilization or w/e (like http://xkcd.com/1668/) I get a sense of intense relief that I don't have to try to function in society anymore (even from a fictional comic). It's really dumb.

 

Anyway, let's go through the SPD diagnostic criteria!

• Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affect.

Heck yeah you should ask my parents! I don't and never have had much affective empathy. I don't cry with movies (my dad still remembers when I cried at the movie Spirit bc it was so unexpected) I don't... grieve and when my paternal grandma died I didn't cry, and my sister told my dad that I hadn't cried, clearly implying 'that cold unfeeling person'. I rarely make friends and never close friends??? Or talk about feelings
Also, I don't tend to get angry or have very intense feelings..

• Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.

Uh yeah

• Consistent preference for solitary activities.

Don't we all

• Very few, if any, close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.

Not bc of a lack of desire, but yes. I did kind of decide I wasn't going to make an effort to socialize in college/talk to people from hs bc I didn't think I needed people or sth?? IT WAS AN EXTREMELY BAD IDEA.

• Indifference to either praise or criticism.

HAHA NOPE

• Little interest in having sexual experiences with another person (taking age into account).

Yes

• Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.

I have been thinking and saying "I'm interested in/enjoy very few things" since way before I knew it was A Thing

• Indifference to social norms and conventions.

Is it indifference if they piss me off? But yes I've never been able to care about social norms for their own sake, especially body image ones idk

• Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.

See: this thread


I don't know what the point of this post is but it Will Be Continued because I haven't talked about the more #relatable part yet

 

Yesterday I realized I may or may not need to have a meeting (that I haven't scheduled yet, and that will have to be over skype) with a prof before next Monday, where I explain my progress report (which I haven't finished) for my undergrad thesis, which can be summarized as: I did one of the things of the "several" i said i was going to do and i don't even have experiments on real world problems for that one thing, and i have no way to justify any of it other than I couldn't focus or care, much less manage to be "proactive", and me doing a completely theoretical project was doomed from the start and i only went with it because i have a hard time knowing what i want and this was where inertia led me

 

Aaaaaaaaaaa my uni's bureaucracy bs is so annoying "remember you have to bring us This Important Document With A Vague Name asap" I have never heard of this document before, you haven't told me about this before and you haven't even explained what it is or how to get it

 

haaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha there's absolutely 0 chance of me getting that Very Important Document before the 30th fml. It's also my own damn fault >:(

 

Well I think I figured out why the results I was getting in my project were weird. And of course it's a stupid error that invalidates everything ...time to pretend that didn't happen, i guess

 

I'm really bad at believing other people are aware I exist

 

i want to write out some things
- I finished college
- I got a 9/10 on my terrible final project, which is nice, but also annoying for a reason that i can't words rn but has to do with how the project was terrible and i had bad anxiety/burnout exdys for the entire duration of the thing
- I need to do something with myself now????
- The obvious course of action is to get a masters
- For which applications need to happen sooner rather than later
- I'd prefer to go abroad for this
- How does one choose a masters program
- How does one choose what one wants to do
- I like the compsci programs in dutch unis???? probably bc of the "we combine computer science and engineering with social sciences" things. Do they actually do that? who knows
- My undergrad specialization in 'computing' led to immediate bad anxiety and burnout so i should probably do something else
- I *think* i want to do software engineering stuff
- A major reason why I didn't choose the software engineering specialization in undergrad was bc it's looked down upon and considered the girl specialization for weak girls?? which is obviously the dumbest possible reason
- That said, I don't actually know if I want to do software engineering stuff bc I have only taken intro courses and like used concepts in unrelated classes??? How is one supposed to know these things. What is software engineering
- from my actual specialization, the most fun stuff is graphics stuff. There's a graphics master. What the heck does one do with a graphics master. games? research?
- Definitely don't want to do fucking theoretical machine learning again tho
- a problem with applying abroad is that references/recommendation letters are required. which. anxiety. This is a dumb problem.

- Apart from applying to masters or whatever i have basically no responsibilities until february at least, so. Self-improvement time
- I want to program some fun stuff so that i can get back into it
- Current project is programming a small game for android. Graphics!
- I want to....socialize.......more????
- I don't have a plan for that yet
- probably should, like, get a therapist
- and do some exercise


......input welcome

 

More specific goals for this week (until Sunday I guess)
- primary goal: exercise a bit every day
- secondary goal: do at least 2 ink drawings (aiming for wed and thurs)
- get the game to display a triangle
- WhatsApp a friend
- start application to safe school

(Is it ok to post these things here?)

 

- Looking at facebook is stressful because everyone is doing things with each other and I'm here, Being Anxious. Plus some of the things look like ""networking"" and doing internships/having jobs and that makes me feel v inadequate. How does one become the kind of person with a laptop covered in tech company stickers. we just don't know but it probably involves talking.

- I've been having anxiety dreams again. Since I started on meds I'd been having dreams that started like anxiety dreams but then ended by me solving the bad situation and realizing that it wasn't so bad. But not since last week. Last night's involved me disappointing some of my uni classmates a lot by ....pirating ebooks??? which somehow caused them/us?? to lose some opportunity or get into trouble with the uni or something. ......It didn't help with the facebook thing.

- Apparently, my mom didn't know/remember that I was allowed to skip english classes and get extra shitty art classes in 11th grade. I was kind of annoyed about her handling of that situation back then because I didn't want shitty public school "plastic arts education" classes??? where did she get that idea?? but I guess she didn't really know much about me back then bc I didn't really talk.

- I only did the exercising and the application to the school (which I've decided it's the only one I'm applying to because the other ones that start in Feb suck.) bluh. Guess next week's goal is finishing the application? it's probably going to involve a trip to the uni and IIII donnnnnttt wannnnnnaaaaaa. On the plus side i got to act 5 of homestuck? is that a plus side

- I'm really bad at working on ...long-term project stuff? and having to do anxiety-inducing stuff like emails or w/e concurrently. Possibly because i procrastinate forever on the anxiety-inducing stuff and then when it's done I've wasted a lot of time and also i'm having an adrenaline high and can't focus on the other things.

- My dad is yelling, as per fucking usual

 

I'm so tired of getting yelled at all the time for the dumbest reasons following unpredictable patterns tied to how much my dad hates himself at the moment
I'm also tired of the predictable yelling about how I choose to spend my time that tends to leave me stuck and unable to do anything because the unacceptable activities will get me yelled at and the acceptable activities are socializing and I don't even know how I would go about doing that

 

I have to write an email to my final thesis prof and my parents keep telling me i should tell him about what I'm doing next and whatnot and that sounds wildly presumptuous, but also like the kind of thing normal people would do / consider the polite thing to do?????????? How People

 

I've been confronting my dad when he yells at me for dumb shit. This was probably tactically unsound.

he does have a point that I can be too snappy too, and that I was procrastinating on something that affects the whole family. Bleh, need to do better and develop some patience


Edit: welp, made my dad cry

 

Why does my dad have to yell at my mom about how mad he is at someone else


I've been procrastinating apt hunting because of The possibility of ~rejection~ but my mom found a perfect one and now I have! to! write! an! email! And they won't want me! because I'm a weirdo! Who can't social! (and they probably have a lot of demand)

 

good luck with the apartment

(sry I fail at socialing myself enough to know what to say to the other stuff other than witnessed, friend)

 

Thank you friend, that helps!

Sent them an email. So did 16 other people apparently xd they also had a phone number but ima pretend I didn't see it. For now. But, we'll see!

 

am Skyping potential roommates later. I think I'm the third visit of they day for them and they're looking for "worker or mature student" aka probably not me. I might have a tiiiiny bit of a problem with fear of rejection. This one potential roommate once sent me an email like "you seemed very uncomfortable when you visited, you should find somewhere else" like, dude, that's just my talking-to-people face. I cried. I thiiiiink.... 3? different professors have asked me why I look so scared when they talk to me.
I asked my dad and my sister for small talk topics. They were Unhelpful. I know it doesn't work like that, I just want some things to fall back on
I don't think my anxiety meds are doing much? idk how much they're supposed to do.

eta: I sent some more emails; the having of more options makes me feel better
etaeta: someone's renting a room in a house
eta3: my mom linked me to this one beause she thinks she's funny

Spoiler

"Todos tenemos un buen rollo, salimos juntos, el piso es grande y convivimos muy bien."

eta4: .....that didn't go very well
Eta5: my mom: well stop being the way that you are
Wtf are you supposed to answer to "tell me about yourself" I already told you stuff in my email
"Don't you have questions? Don't you want to know about how much the deposit is? What's included?" I already know????? It's in your ad??????
Eta6: "we want to know, you know if someone had a bad day, well, we know that tomorrow will be different, and we need to know that you'd be able to handle that situation well" ????????Please clarify your scenario???? How does someone having a bad day affect me??????

 

i'm selfish and dumb