shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

-There is now a vent in the rave. What do you mean? There was always a vent in the rave. It is transformer cat sized. Two eyes are glowing out of it-

 

Well I figured out your part in the nightmare. >}:/

 

THAT'S NOT FREAKY AT *ALL*
I HATE VENTS AND THE HEAVING DOUCHEBAGS WHO LURK IN THEM SO FUCKING MUCH, OH MY GOD.

 

is it sexual harassment y/n
i promise im really big on consent i wont touch anyone's booty or flaunt mine unless they ask
although lbr its kind of hard not to show off my assets just in day to day life
emphasis on the ass

 

That sounds like a great story and I would love it if you told it to me instead of frantically fellating the fucking juicebox. Slurping noises give me migraines.

Christ, tell me about it. Fucking hacker activist 'woke' types, all 'oh why did you shoot that man in front of me' and 'what do you mean you followed me to my house who are you' as if driving after someone is some outlandish fucking concept. Jokes on you kiddies, I don't need your ScoutX profile to find you! It helps though. I do like the help.

You should probably get that checked out. Sounds terminal.

 

Well frag you too, tiny valvesucker. -the voice is the sort of metalic associated with transformers and fairly deep-

 

Exactly. I'm even a tech guy! I hack things! I even know that you can't fucking depend on some GODDAMNED TECH over some COMMON FUCKING SENSE.

... Mmmh *a nice scotch is in his hand now, fuck it he's drinking*

 

Sounds like you could use more of that. Luckily, I have just the thing.

[Jordi does the Will Smith pose at his lovely bar. Look, it's back. It's fully stocked. It's not made wholly of peppermint schnapps anymore. Admire it.]

 

I have no interest in the booty.

This has proven problematic. It will continue to be problematic, especially if Bruadr finds a matesprit. I suppose he's more palebait than red, which is in my favor. And explains how he ended up with an awful fish for a diamond. I'm still mad he called dibs on Resident Blueblood Asshole though, even if the thought of filling a bucket with him makes my horns itch more than usual.

 

I could always use more of this. *Downs the scotch, goes to take advantage of More Alcohol*

This is very nice, good one.

 

Thank you, I try. It's nice to be appreciated for once.

 

[the juice in the box is now in a glass, which he drinks like a normal human being]

it all started the day my best friend cooked me up in a lab
i mean it kind of did but nah sparknotes version cue the montage music
i spent three of my tenderest years on a meteor hurtling through the void
it was me my sister kanaya karkat [dave points at him] terezi bitchka and gamzee
so the only human being i interacted with for three years was my sister which im sure is a telling glimpse into my tortured psyche

damn alternian mandatory reproduction strikes again
can you find another blueblood asshole i mean from what i gathered theyre not exactly in short supply and maybe the new model wont make you want to shove something sharp up their asshole in the bad way

 

Why is it that no one appreciates the actually hard working people? What in the fuck is with that?

 

Wow More Information I Did Not Ask For. Will Wonders Never Cease. I Am So Glad I Am Being Given All Of This Intel On People I Dont Care About For Free. What Is A Self Preservation Instinct And Can I Buy One For YOu Two Chucklefucks? Next Time On "Im So Done With People I Wish I Could Blow Up The Entire Planet"

 

So, when you say 'tenderest years' are we talking sweaty pubescent fragility or manic toddler exuberance? Because either way I can't relate. I'm sure it was terrible. On the bright side, look at you being an ambassador of human-alien relations or whatever the fuck it was you did. Something to do with godhood?

What a clusterfuck.

I figure it's because people expect hardworkers to see a problem and fix it without asking for anything, because surely they'll do it just because it needs to be done, right? So it's all fine to stiff them and insult them and never ask them out to do fun things unless you need something.

Huh. Nope. Most people don't make that mistake twice with me.

 

OH, NO, *I'M* NOT THE ONE SKULKING AROUND IN THE CEILING LIKE I THINK I'M BEING SNEAKY. I KNOW! LET'S ALL JUST CLAIM PARTS OF BLOCKS WHERE WE CAN HIDE AND STARE AT EACH OTHER IN HOPES OF, HMM I WONDER...INTEL OR CATCHING SOMEONE WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN, I'M SURE. THE BEST ANGLE FOR CREEPSHOTS IS, NATURALLY, FROM ABOVE.

DIBS ON THE SPACE UNDER THE COUCH, ALL THE COINS THAT GET PUSHED DOWN THERE ARE MY MANIFEST DESTINY. I'M PLANTING A FLAG ON THAT SHIT IN THE NAME OF TROLLKIND

 

Oh, yeah, that. Ha. Nah, fuck that noise. If I'm going to hire someone we're also going to do fun things like shooting air soft guns at people from the rooftops.

 

He's actually the most tolerable of the local blues, sadly. They only get worse.

 

-still monotone deadpan- Hippy.