shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

I revise my earlier statement, primus dammit, you fragging fool.

Oh so... Optimus Prime basically, got it.

.... Yeah definitely Optimus Prime.

 

[dave throws some confetti]

jesus confirmed for universal constant you heard it here first
we got your human jesuses
your troll jesuses
your metal jesuses
any savior you could want available now at the jesus emporium

 

"Possibly this is an object lesson on how not all of us 'squishies' think exactly the same way. The fact that I accept your right to define yourself however you please unfortunately doesn't allow me to accept it on behalf of everyone else?" Lissa grins crookedly.

Then she turns to Church.

"Church. If somebody doesn't want to be called a person, don't call them one. You don't have to force a label down their throat to treat them with inherent dignity and worth, because forcing things on other beings is not treating them with inherent dignity and worth. And you don't have to understand it, either. Understanding is not required to do the courtesy of allowing beings to be called what they want to be called."

 

"There's not really a catte Jesus," Ford points out. "The Federationers sometimes try and force Emireiallis into that role, but her job was to let people know they could save themselves if they were brave enough to face themselves."

 

I wouldn't be surprised if divine heretics featured in many religions. Certainly it's a popular theme.

 

Hey hey, don't sell us short we have two metal jesuses- jesuii?
Fraggit, anyway we have Rodmus too, he's much hotter than Optimus these days.

I only learnfrom being punched in the face, lady, And I don't think you can deliver the kinda force needed for that.

I mean. That's an Optimus Prime kinda thing too so really it's not that bad a comparison.

I mean Primus Apotheosis aside I think it's not quite a religious thing if the dude in quetsion is still around and spent a while going "No I'm just a mech as you all are despite the divinely bestowed glowy rock in my chest, I value all of you the same and you should value me as a commander, not a god" and so on.

 

[He snorts.]

Oh no, they can still hang around and be obnoxious despite being divine heretics who ought to be dead. It's really very annoying.

 

eh. Worshipping Optimus is a lot easier, admittedly, than worshipping Rodders would be. Optimus has a kind of... dignified air about him. Roddy is just a dude who goes meteorsurfing to dodge paperwork.

 

theres an exception to every rule

[dave nods sagely]

oh shit
trolls got two too like i said karkats the squeakquel
shriekquel

wait till he dies itll be great

 

To be honest, I think I'd prefer worshiping the second if I had to pick either. I've had my fill of dignified deities. More orgies and the like in the hallowed halls of the Maker's city, or whatever nonsense will make Cassandra angriest with me today I think.

 

Wait when did we grow a second Prime? [How did he miss that? Ok probably during his 3mil kinda-sorta-exile and not having read up on all of it yet but still where did they grow a second prime from, isn't there just one matrix?]

 

"Uh, Lady Emireiallis would have slapped. your. face. off. If you went around telling people that the only way they would get...whatever Christians think Jesus is giving them...was through following her." Lissa shrugs. "I've got some of her DNA in me, you know."

 

The problem's kinda that the dude refuses to stay dead. Not that Big M's any better about it I guess. But Yeah that one's been tried an aftload of times, believe me.

[Rude snickering]

Oh uh. I think someone at some point stole the Matrix and Roddy stole it back except he was shot and then the matrix healed him or something because he was all compatible and last I heard the Matrix had been kinda sorta broken maybe? I don't even fragging know my mech.

One, I don't care, Two, no really, I don't care, three, I just said that the literal opposite of the thing sounded like Prime stuff, I'm not exactly familiar with the concept of human jesus. It's usually considered flattering to remind someone of Mech Jesus.

 

I have no idea what jesus is, let alone if there's a metal jesus, but-- parts of our population got literally, legally declared tools, and a huge part of the original uprising was them saying "frag that, frag you, we're people" and.... well.

Spoiler: sparklegif

[Ig waggles his ailerons back, grinning.]

[...and then he snorts, expression abruptly going sour.] Primes aren't divine. Or at least they're as divine as the rest of the damn priesthood.

Frag if I know. One at a time was bad enough.

 

Ford chortles. "Just remember this. You don't know her. And she is very good at using leverage."

 

[Tiny Pissy MTO shrugs, pissily]
I don't fragging know, Deceptigeek, I only know the two and given that some nuts act like Optimus's Primus in the metal he's had to remind folks he's just Some Guy often enough.

My dude I am more than twenty feet tall and made from metal and her fist isn't. I don't know much about squishie anatomy but I know bones aren't that sturdy.

 

Ah. The way he put it it sounded like he wanted to be considered a person. Like... he was just repeating what other people had said about him, saying that he wasn't...

And Jesus... he's just a case study in how people lose control of their story when they die. Well, that, or the tendency of people to make up shit and have it pass into myth. Dunno which.

Weird that he's an universal constant, though. I mean, it makes sense that he'd be a thing in the universes with humans and Earth, but... robot Jesus? Troll Jesus?

That's weird. I wonder if there's... Covenant-Jesus. I know they've got some religious shit going down, that they treat super seriously, but... it's literally never became relevant so I don't think I know shit about it. The Director part of me might but... it's harder, accessing the bits of me that aren't what this particular me experienced. They're in there, but... it's much easier to work with the bits that are more... Epsilony.

*church is not gonna ask if that makes him AI Fragment Jesus*

*'cause, regardless of how sarcastic he makes his tone, he knows that it will just sound way way way too too too egoistical*

*and yeah, sometimes he is egoistical but even he has to admit "am i AI Fragment Jesus, then?" would be a bit... much*

*instead he just laughs*

 

Lissa shrugs. "I don't care that much either, I just thought we were sharing information. It's usually considered flattering on Earth to remind someone of Earth Jesus," she says. "But...not in some circles. Does Optimus Prime tell people that the only way to the source of all life is through him? I mean anyone with a following is gonna get followers who say batshit things, but he is alleged to have actually said that himself."

 

"That's why she wouldn't use her fist to punch you if she had to," Ford says, grinning. "You know this is supposed to be friendly banter, right?"

 

"You sound like my kind of guy."