shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[He pulls Marcus's hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles.]

Yeah, sounds about right. I ever tell you about the guy in the fursuit? Crazy fucker.

 

Excuse me, what? No. You have to fucking tell me now, man. Like, shit, that sounds like a story.

 

YES, WE'RE SO EXCEEDINGLY LUCKY YOUR...CHARGE? ISN'T HERE, BECAUSE OTHERWISE EVERYONE WOULD BE RECEIVING THEIR JUST DESSERTS. I'M SO GRATEFUL! SHALL I KISS YOUR BOOTS OR YOUR ASS?

AND NATURALLY I DO MEAN WHICH SHOULD I KISS *FIRST,* BECAUSE I'M JUST SO UNBELIEVABLY THANKFUL YOU, PERSONALLY, ARE DOING US THE MONUMENTAL FAVOR OF NOT THROTTLING US INTO SUBMISSION. SUCH STRENGTH OF WILL! SUCH GENEROSITY! I AM SIMPLY OVERCOME

 

[He laughs]
Charge is probably right though I'm not his dad and I'm not remotely fit to try and replace him, really. I'm... his older brother more or less.
You'd probably get along if only for the wordiness. I was so proud of him when he simply said "this sucks!" last week instead of describing in riveting detail just how the situation didn't agree with him while sounding like an old man subsisting exclusively on a diet of thesauri.

 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HUMAN FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIPS ANYWAY. *MY* LUSUS WAS A GIANT CRUSTACEAN, WHY WOULD I CARE IF YOU'RE RELATED TO YOUR CHARGE OR NOT, MUCH LESS THE SPECIFIC NATURE OF THAT RELATION

...I'M MOSTLY KIDDING. I GET HOW HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS WORK, FOR THE MOST PART. AT ANY RATE, I WOULDN'T GET ALONG WITH SOMEONE *JUST* BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE SAME INABILITY TO SHUT THEIR FUCKING TRAP. REALLY, WE'D PROBABLY END UP IN A NEVER-ENDING VERBAL DUEL TO THE DEATH, UNTIL ONE OF US CAUGHT LARYNGITIS

 

You say that like it isn't how Robin makes friends.

 

im frosty cold my man
the sword is but a distant memory
what sword i dont even know what a sword is
is it some kind of fancy fashion accessory
sounds french

orly

 

Oh, yeah. He was, uh... fuck, what was his name. Something stupid. Another fixer, did all of his work in the suit-- lined with kevlar, apparently, which hey, not my problem, but shit had to get hot in there. It's not exactly a breathable fabric, you know?

Anyways, chucklefuck got hired to take me out so I had to get his stupid tiger head off and snap his neck. Fucking pain in my ass is what it was though. Weird guy. Miss him.

 

What the fuck is your job, dude. *Starts laughing before shaking his head* So the great Furry Killer is no more? That's a shame, kind of a neat gig. You use your suit because you're professional and shit, he used a fursuit because.... He really wanted... to be... recognized? I... oh my god the people.

 

Well, I mean, hey, apparently he got most of his jobs off of one of those art sites, so I guess it worked for him. Never really got the whole... thing... he was going for, but you had to admire the dedication to it. Always wondered if it was supposed to be psychological warfare or something.

 

Shit, probably. I'd probably lose my goddamned mind if I saw some dude in a fursuit just slide out of the shadows after my ass. That's just creepy. It's like all those mascot nightmares personified.

*Still just laying on the bar. This is Where He Is Now.* So do you just hang here and make fun of people or?

 

"Just for the record," says Ford, "he wouldn't be able to do that here. People do keep trying to tell you that things work differently in different places. My niece is probably contrite enough that she'd have let you slap her once. But she wouldn't have let anyone beat her, and you can only harm people here if they don't have the will to decide they're not harmed."

He takes a deep breath. "Dave might or might not let you kill him, but he can't stay dead. Again, you don't have to believe me. But you might want to consider that you're not so different from Alexandria in this respect, except that you're not a sheltered eighteen year old girl, and you claim to be experienced with interdimensional travel."

 

Right? Some douche in a clown costume tried to recreate the whole effect, but mostly he just looked like an asshole. Got caught three jobs in, too, 'cause the police traced his facepaint to a specific costume store. Dumbass.

[He kisses Marcus's knuckles again, then glances over the rest of the rave.] Yeah, and drink, talk shop, whatever. Got a job from a ghost, not that I'm really getting anywhere with that. Not much to do here though.

 

Probably trying to recreate that one horror movie with the clown too, shit. What an idiot though, I mean I would have done overseas sources and rotated them constantly. Prevent tracking and make it hell on the cops, but that's me.

*He shrugged before snorting* Sounds like to me you're making friends and having a good time, but who the fuck am I to say shit like that right?

 

[Dick gives this weird man who looks like someone took one of the Zataras and made him a supervillain a sly grin. It hides a grimace.]
Look, you don't know him so it's okay to underestimate him but seriously. Bodily harm is the most easily fixed thing about Robin's outbursts. If you think he won't adapt to any new dimension within minutes you are a lot stupider than you look.

 

Besides I don't need to know who here will be willingly murdered. Batman doesn't kill.
[He sounds honestly offended about that part.]

 

I've never made a friend in my life. Friends? Who needs 'em, right? I definitely don't have at least... five. Maybe six. Do I have six? We'll call Pearce a friend, so six.

[He grins and kisses Marcus's knuckles again. You're not getting this hand back, Marcus.]

 

A whole six, wow. That's pretty impressive, especially for a Fixer always on the move being a badass.

*Acceptable losses. He wiggles the fingers a little.* The real struggle is this: having enough friends that are available often enough for a D&D game.

 

Ugh, don't remind me. Last group I had was like two decades ago-- I've done a couple one-off games in shops when I pass through sometimes, but it's just not the fucking same.

 

The DedSec crew had a thing going before I got kidnapped, but that'd probably be one offs. Since I uh, don't live down there anymore...