wixbloom's journal

Good luck!

 

you got this!!

 

It might - it might - be time to start laying out some serious groundwork for cutting off my mother and going No Contact.

I'm not in a hurry to decide, on the contrary, this is something I want to think about slowly, analytically, without urgency. I'm not in any danger, and am in fact already lowering contact somewhat, so there's no deadlines at work here. And I'm also still angry and frustrated and that's not the ideal place to start from when considering a decision of this magnitude.

Right now I think I'm a little overwhelmed considering some practical aspects of it - for example, what if I have to move out of my apartment (unlikely, but I'd rather prepare for everything), what if I have to change my contact info, what if she sets my brother against me. Also, we have a family trip planned for January, which I a) wouldn't want to miss out on but also b) would feel guilty taking advantage of, but also c) already feel guilty that my mom has paid for airline tickets and for my U.S. Visa.

But I'm also starting to accept that I always knew - actually, I always hoped - that it would come to this. I was talking just the other day about how I'd never want a spouse or child of mine to have any contact with my mother. I think my life would be so much, universally, easier if I never had to interact with my mother or any of her relatives ever again. At the same time, I feel like a horrible, ungrateful monster for even contemplating it - which I know is normal. I'm going to really think about this in the coming days and months.

 

A theory: people say all sorts of terrible things about themselves in the throes of depression, anxiety or whatever other brainbugs. "I'm a monster", "I'm horrible", "I don't deserve love" etc. A lot of it is just sad, confused noises that need soothing and comfort and a healthy dose of "nah that's a lie".

But in my experience, if they ever say "I'm manipulative" in one such moment, believe them. Soothe them maybe, comfort them maybe, be compassionate maybe, but believe them.

I don't know why exactly, and, of course, this is anecdotal, but everytime I've seen a person say "I'm manipulative" while having a breakdown, that person proved themselves to, in fact, be manipulative. The same isn't true of people who said, for example, "I'm just making this up for attention", "I'm just a crybaby", "I'm overreacting" etc.

 

I´m not entirely sure about that. I know my brain tries to tell me having feelings that aren´t positive about something is manipulative sometimes, and that´s almost certainly not true. It is however something I´ve been accused of for being upset by things. Basically, "I´m manipulative" can probably function the same way as "I´m making it up for attention," I think.
(Note: If you want me to drop the topic or move it elsewhere please say so and I will.)

 

Nah, that really makes sense! As I said I'm coming from basically a few anecdotes, not a coherent system at all, so that input is very interesting and valuable

 

I think everyone has the potential to be manipulative sometimes, and that we can even do it without consciously thinking about it. But I understand what you mean. Being wary can be a good thing!

 

Fun fact, in October 5 seebs contacted me asking if I'd be interested in being a mod. I declined, mostly because my approach to forum drama is to put as much of it as I can on Ignore and keep my thoughts to myself. The one time I actually commented in a drama thread resulted in me spiraling in this vent about how anxious I was for a whole page. I told seebs it would be active self-destructive for me to accept a modding position here. I kinda loved the offer because it was nice to feel like I have a place here, but I can still have that without wrecking myself

That said, it took me less than a month to send them another message, pointing at the latest garbage fire and quietly congratulating myself on my good decision-making :D

 

That was a really good application of self-care!

 

Therapy goals:

• Get a psychiatrist who is knowledgeable about PTSD, see if there's any neurological stuff we can do as well as talk therapy with my current therapist
• Tackle my PTSD, become more aware of trauma responses and find effective ways to deal with them
• Get back into dating, face anxiety, fear, traumatic reactions and anything else that might arise from that
• Develop more confidence in social interactions
• Stop self-sabotaging especially when it comes to art (when I make good stuff but refuse to show it out of an overwhelming anxious fear of putting myself out there in any meaningful way)