Reporting the mods

"What about my behaviour is bigoted? Can you help me understand?"

Also, yeah, I called it narcissistic and abusive behaviour. That's....cause it is. It might hurt to read, but it follows all of the patterns. I understand that is distressing to know, but by knowing it, you can change it.
I've lived with three narcissists. I'm very intimately familiar with the way things get twisted around and presented so they're never really at fault, they never did something actually worth being upset about, it's all just Me Being So Sensitive, even when I'm being abused for no reason.

Before you attempt to apply that back onto interactions here - no. Not the same thing.

For an example I've pulled from my own history.

"I'm sorry you're so ungrateful when I've just been trying my best" and things of that ilk: narcissistic abuse tactics.

"I'm sorry but this thing you did was messed up even though you feel bad, here is why, here is how you can improve" and such: not that.

 

Yeah, still confused. About the nature of right and wrong, whether believing bad things makes someone a bad person. Should I take it as a personal insult when someone calls me something like serophobe, or is it more of an excuse to shun someone than an insult?

There's also a bit of not being on the same page as far as serophobia.

 

1. Don't respond immediately trying to justify your words.
2. Apologise for the hurt caused.
3. Avoid emotive language like "screamed at", "uppity", "freaked out", etc, even when referring to yourself. Think about the tone of words you use. Even if you personally think someone is screaming at you, don't accuse them, using neutral terms such as '''disagree" will facilitate communications much better.
4. Even if you want to explain where your words and behaviour came from, don't try to use that to minimise the impact you've had.
5. Take ownership of bad language choices and bad behaviour without dramatics and/or self flagellation. It will be much better received.

 

Separate fact statements from value judgements. If you are behaving in a bigoted manner and hold bigoted beliefs, and someone stays that you are a bigot, this is factually true. However, it does not mean you are a terrible person without worth. It means you need to examine your behavior and beliefs and attempt to correct them.

Really, I know we've stressed it before, but the main things that will help is detoxing and getting into some good cognitive behavioral therapy. Expecting any of our debugging to work without that is unrealistic. You can't go to a forum and expect unqualified complete strangers to hold your hand and walk you through becoming a better person, then get mad when it doesn't work.

 

I think my problem is that I'm not sure how to separate "my fault" from "not my fault." Most of what I got punished for were things that would today be considered ADHD or autistic behaviors that should have been managed. I think we just established that it was my fault that I kept getting angry at Spock when she pushed my buttons by trying to be polite, while it's also my fault that everyone else got angry at me for the same exact scenario. (I think because I'm miswired even by autistic standards?)

What's the difference between people insisting that I want them to walk on eggshells and you being sensitive?

I think there is a slight difference between what I've been doing and apologizing for the other person being ungrateful. Maybe a little of trying to apologize for not being good enough. (Did I complain about standards, or was that all Pal? I agree with thim? either way and categorized lex as someone who shouldn't be paid attention to much.)

So what should I do instead of the bad examples?

 

Stop talking to me.

You are pushing my buttons.

 

Oh shit, sorry. I did not know that being afraid of AIDS was bad. I heard that AIDS was bad.

How was that?

 

WTF are you talking about? I feel like this has turned into some sort of inside joke and either let me in or take it outside.

 

I'm just about to head out and will come back to the rest of this later, but this is a key point:

The example was not an apology. It was presented as an apology, but is not one. The goal of apologies formatted in this way "I'm sorry [you are this way] when I [did nothing wrong]" is to undermine the self-confidence and self-esteem of the person you are talking too.

The words "I'm sorry" are there, but what the example actually means is:

"You're so ungrateful. You never see the effort I'm putting in and I just want what is best for you, [in the example I pulled this from, "what is best for kathy" was "not going to the hospital with a grumbling appendix" and the effort being put in was "telling kathy to shut up about being in pain"] do you see how you've made me suffer? Now apologize for making me feel this way."

 

Well, you just justified everything that I did to the PPC. I thought I had crossed a pretty heavy line and felt really bad about it.

That or you proved that while other people can set that sort of boundary, I'm somehow exempt from it.

Did anyone answer my question on whether or not that sort of thing has to be earned?

 

So... I'm being accused of hating African children?

To expand on https://kintsugi.seebs.net/threads/reporting-the-mods.7433/#post-843655

Are you accusing me of thinking that the African children are immoral and asked to be born with it or otherwise infected (if you don't know what about children I'm about to say here, let's just say it's pretty disturbing.)

 

SPOCK. THERE IS ONE THING THAT I AM GIVING PERMISSION FOR YOU TO SAY TO ME.

TELL ME HOW TO GET YOU TO FUCKING FUCK OFF!