JADE'S INFERNO (THE FINAL CIRCLE OF HELL)

Discussion in 'Your Bijou Blogette' started by pineapplist, Dec 24, 2019.

  1. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    man you know what. i really, really forgot about how important this site was to my life at one point. i was around here a lot when my life was absolutely, absolutely horrible and i think writing here and venting here helped me a lot in therapy and a lot with understanding myself.

    i think it's good for me to have another place to talk about these things again, to an audience of people that don't really know me or anything about me, i need somewhere to write things down where i have an actual list of things to target during therapy, all that, etcetera etcetera you know the deal

    if by any chance you're reading this, i'll try to keep anything too hardcore underneath a spoiler. i've survived emotional abuse, sexual abuse and exploitation, many, many events that have thrown me into the amazing void of c-ptsd, and i struggle with ocd, depression, what have you.

    i don't expect anyone to reply or really like. say much here which is cool. itd be cool if u read. but this is just me chilling
     
  2. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    i did try to make another thread over the summer but my life was far too fucked up then to even consider writing regularly about what's going on, also i had no idea what was even HAPPENING to me mentally back then and since i'm having so much trouble talking about my feelings with anyone outside my doctors and whatnot now, i think saying things here would really help me stop blanking when i have to answer to whenever i get asked "what's wrong?"

    also being put on prozac to actually treat my ocd has done WONDERS for my brain. but the cost of being less clouded with ocd insanity is that i am hit with the full force of horror that my life has been
     
  3. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    i remember everything that's ever happened to me but some things are nonlinear and fragmented and it doesn't feel like me, i've been a monster in my life and i hate the thing that i've been, but i guess i understand better now that trauma i refused to acknowledge has shaped me into something terrified and violent, and that now it doesn't make me so violent anymore, it's just.. grief for what i've experienced. grief for all i've gone through.

    i'm not entirely sympathetic, and i know i don't deserve pity, but if i could do my life entirely over, i would. my regrets span forever and i've been lost in a life of delusion and fear that i'm going to be hurt. i was thinking earlier that i'm not REALLY crazy if i've never been sent to the psych ward. but there are ABSOLUTELY times where i should've been locked up and stayed there. i wonder if anything would've been different for me if i was, maybe it'd have made me worse, but my brain chemistry is stable enough now to where i think of the person i was and i just want to cry.

    i was always told i could "never have any emotional trauma" because i've lived a "perfect, happy life," but after being hit and told i deserved it, spent an entire summer at 16 allowing myself to be manipulated by people who knew i was broken and i just wanted love, ran away from home and lost my mind, i think that i have a right to acknowledge the way that trauma's shattered my brain.

    i'm just trying to fix it. my selfishness is a result of how horribly, horribly mistreated i've been, i have always been out for myself, because nobody has ever been out for me. i am terrified everyone is out to get me. i am terrified the universe is out to get me. i will get better. but i hate knowing the horrible, horrible person that's become a part of me as a result of the things that have hurt me.

    ready to be better. gentler. i refuse to give in to the impulses of my past that have made me so cruel, i never asked for this but i still have to face it
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  4. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    anyways im just your average minimum wage dirtbag at starbucks. im 19 and i think i'm good at poetry and i like to act like i'm cool. i spend my days drawing griffins and shit crying in my crazy science fiction epic story and i am very very currently emotionally invested in my 50,000 word pokemon fanfiction that came out of nowhere. it is nice to meet you :-)
     
    • Like x 1
  5. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    and if you remember me from when i was real active before -- hello again! pretend that fucker never happened. there's going to be a lot of grappling with their existence here. it's a lot of learning to forgive myself for being balls to the walls crazy but i'll succeed.

    i kno i've ragged on kintsugi a lot in my time but you guys really do a lot of good for each other, its something i greatly respect, and hope to bring back this time around
     
  6. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    christmas eve with family friends and i got a cat tarot deck and now ive learned how to do a few tarot spreads..... it actually makes my superstition chill out a ton :-)
     
  7. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    getting like 20 bucks an hour working on christmas is the absolute BEST fucking experience even though i feel like a dead rat after waking up at like 5 this morning for various christmas reasons
     
  8. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    thots/feelings:

    - january is not a good month and i dread my birthday because it just reminds me of bad bad moments in my life and i really wanna make it better this time

    - december/january are bad anniversary months in general but i've been doing ok all things considered

    - ??????????

    - nightmares are a problem again

    - i really want the nightmares to stop
     
  9. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    there's a chance of me being put in more intensive/regular like. hardcore psychotherapy for my crazies and i hate it because it makes me feel SO broken, even when i'm like "oh there's nothing wrong with me, i've never been hospitalized or forced to :)" when i've ABSOLUTELY done things in my life where im surprised i wasn't locked up in the loony bin for god knows how long.

    like man i'm a medicated (properly now), reasonably adjusted adult with a job, going to school, working through everything, etc etc and there's the footnote of "oh, remember?"
     
  10. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    i mean don't get me wrong i NEED intensive therapy and i need to really be put on lockdown therapeutically at least, now that i'm more capable of processing stuff without going batshit....... but i just feel exhausted. i feel so exhausted. my life is doctors and doctors and doctors and this is wrong with your brain jade, this is what's messed up with it, this is what you need to adjust your medication to, take 8594589474 pills a morning, cry yourself to sleep every night, what have you.

    sometimes it's frustrating knowing how possibly easier things would be for you if you were wired any differently, but in my case, this stuff is stuck in my DNA. i come from a messed up lineage of abuse and trauma and pain and i resent the fact that it's written within me.
     
  11. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    so much of my life is spent trying to hope and believe that i am a good person. for what? for my own peace of mind? to feel like my past can be forgiven in any way? i want to believe it's selfless desire because nothing matters to me more than the lives of others, but the selfishness that comes from the nature of my issues inadverdently causes so, so many problems.

    how long will i be playing cat and mouse with myself? how long will it take before i feel like i'm going to give up at being good? i know i'm never going to give up, but i'm tired of being run down, haunted in my waking life, haunted in my goddamn dreams, haunted everywhere i go. my body is beginning to fail me, too, but it's alright, i keep on pushing on, like i always have.
     
  12. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    all that i really want is to spend 2020 keeping myself in check before i extend myself like i have repeatedly in the past for a variety of reasons, i just don't think the world is really something that can take something like me right now and that's ok, too, i just need to buckle down and go through whatever weird pretentious metamorphosis i have to go through again

    i guess writing here is about keeping myself in check, too. at least my brain feels less like a haze, it's nice to be able to read these things. it's nice to know that i'm trying. i feel like i've slipped too far lately, and that's not something i want to happen, you know?
     
  13. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    im just an illegal government experiment set loose to terrorize the world. thats just how i am i was born like this
     
  14. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    n e ways i am stressedt about the fact that my bad leg is getting progressively worse as far as nerve problems go. there’s a near constant numbness and tingling in certain regions of my left foot and my back problems are FUCKING me.

    ....... damn surgery doesn’t freak me out but anesthesia does
     
  15. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    the great dichotomy of “i want the world to worship me i am so cool and powerful” vs “leave me alone and cast me aside as the BEAST i am” and it is my brain and you are living inside it
     
  16. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    i don’t know how to tell one of my dearest friends that sex and any kind of intimacy are just. off the table right now. and i hate it because we both want to be close to each other and at least cuddle. but anyone coming near me makes me want to have a panic attack, i get weird flashback experiences around sex and i freak out just thinking about it

    its a strange new reality. im scared to sleep every night, because i’m haunted by nightmares of people touching me
     
  17. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    wish i could make people understand that just because my meds work for me doesn’t mean I can’t ever be sad or low mentally. I just respond to it a lot healthier.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2019
  18. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    i think the clearest signs that the prozac even WORKS is that i’ve been thrown into a waking nightmare of processing 857748(573 things I haven’t processed because of situational issues. Amazing !
     
  19. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    i get thrown into a panic attack every time my dad mentions financial aid because that’s the reason we fought physically and i ran off from home for like 4 months and now every time i hear anything about signing up for FAFSA i feel like i’m gonna die

    -oddly specific triggers-
     
  20. pineapplist

    pineapplist labrat

    living at home is a nightmare in its own way but it’s not like i can move out and live reasonably so i kind of have to grin and bear it. such is life such is life
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice