what does being comforted feel like?

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by spikekat, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. spikekat

    spikekat mothman wannabe

    im very bad at being comforted, i always feel like it's just me freaking out while assuring the other person that theyre/I will be okay until i can be alone (my middle name is Control Issues, I'm working on it!)
    So, I'm curious about how that works for other people, especially people who experience being comforted by others as a positive? Like what parts of it are the parts that make you feel good/better?
     
  2. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    ok, this is really sad. you know trust? that feeling when if someone is there, everything is gonna be okay? combined with respect, the respect for the other person makes you feel like you’re being lifted up. when you trust and respect the person who is supporting you, you feel warm, happy and safe, hopeful, and determined
     
  3. spikekat

    spikekat mothman wannabe

    i genuinely didnt mean for it to be sad, sorry if this question bummed you out, but thank you for the reply! i think my issue with being comforted/not experiencing comfort is related to issues with trust, which is a cool thing to figure out because thats an issue that i can at the very least, examine more concretely
     
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  4. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    There is also a sense of being valued. Like, if someone you trust/care about takes the time to go out of their way, there is a little boost to self esteem. Because your emotional state is important to someone you trust/care about.
     
  5. spikekat

    spikekat mothman wannabe

    if it's okay for me to ask, how do you get past the guilt part of 'i am taking up valuable resources', and/or do you ever feel like that being-valued will be taken away or twisted because you respond in the "wrong" way?
     
  6. HonestlyVan

    HonestlyVan a very funny person who never tells jokes

    As someone who's struggled with this too, being comforted and cared for isn't, like... an exchange of resources, there's nothing really being taken away that could be used otherwise. I have so many experiences of people who are super starved for affection absolutely drowning me in it once they consider me safe, because they've just built up this need to express their affection and care, and I've come to think about other people reacting to my bad feelings with "oh, sweetie" as just another expression of that.

    (And, like, there's also the thing that everyone who has treated me needing assurance as a burden... has been kind of a shitty person to me, and I don't really take their word on anything else they've said or implied about me as the truth anymore, so there's probably something else going on with me freaking out and needing assurance as well. Not directly related, but it helped me better grasp what is going on with me whenever I get that urge to push people away so they don't see me when I'm vulnerable.)
     
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  7. HonestlyVan

    HonestlyVan a very funny person who never tells jokes

    ... So I guess my answer to the original question is that people genuinely feel better after they've managed to comfort someone, because we're a prosocial species with an urge to care for, help and show affection to each other, so if someone takes effort to do that with me... they're also probably doing it for themselves, a little bit, because ignoring the distress of others is exhausting for them the way me trying to suppress my distress is for me. I can also recognise from myself that I don't help others for any other reason except it makes me feel better to help them, even if I can't help them a lot.
     
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  8. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    So that is a slow battle, and not one I have had to deal with much(I have a good self esteem, but also raised to under value myself(mostly as an ableist/job thing)). So getting over it I can’t help much with. Therapy is a good place to start if that is an option for you. Other tips and tricks I would try other people’s advice for.
     
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  9. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Which is to say, self worth is the root of the problem, and being able to enjoy someone caring about you is going to help affirm your self worth, but is going to come further down the road as you develop self worth. If any of that makes sense xD
     
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  10. spikekat

    spikekat mothman wannabe

    hmm, maybe
    (also ive been in therapy for a minute, its going very interestingly, and i will talk to them about things ive written here, so no worries there)
    i think the thing that i come back to, is that it does feel like a kind of resource exchange, if only because myself and my loved ones have very little resources, and i know that comforting others does take a lot of, sometimes too much, effort
    and that, combined with the fact that naturally i seem to respond in ways that are not easy to deal with (for instance, in a spiral, i hate advice, because the problem isnt that i dont know what to do, it is that i cannot do it. but if i politely, and as kindly as possible try to tell someone i dont want their advice, they feel hurt) and then the "being comforted" becomes a chore i have to perform to help the people trying to help feel helpful, which, feels bad

    but from what im getting, this is not how most other people feel being comforted?
     
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  11. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    whether it made me sad should not be the priority when you are talking about your feelings. the fact that you expressed this, and want to understand, should be the priority to you. i mentioned how it was sad because i was acknowledging the injustice that happened to you.
     
  12. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Okay so, if you are the one spiraling, and they are trying to help you but are doing it in a way that upsets you, that is a dif problem all together. Communicate with them when you are not spiraling that advice frustrates you and Does Not Help when you are spiraling. Part of being supportive is understanding what helps the other person! I do not support everybody I know the same way because they are different people and each have best methods of being supported. It’s a thing to learn as your relationship develops. And to help the other person understand, suggest an alternative support method for you. Some people it is better when some one is like “that sucks. Want a hug/tv/distraction” other times they want help, not answers, so maybe telling them to ask “what can I do to help?” is more helpful. Teach the person how they can better help you.

    The other thing is... it isn’t your responsibility to comfort them when you are spiraling. It does not leave you feeling heard, supported, or understood. Sometimes you gotta let people be upset because you are allowed to be upset. And they are allowed to be upset. Being upset is not an emotion to be avoided at all costs. It is unhealthy for both of you to try to avoid it.

    I wouldn’t feel supported either if I ended up having to comfort the person trying to comfort me. Communicate with them the effective ways to help you, to decrease chances of the comfort reverse. And let them be upset. You don’t need to fix their emotions.
     
  13. HonestlyVan

    HonestlyVan a very funny person who never tells jokes

    If someone is trying to comfort you and it's making you more stressed then they're doing a bad job comforting you, lbr. Comfort is an internal experience. You performing compliance while having to also stop yourself from spiraling is basically the opposite.

    No wonder you hate it. Lol. I hate having my emotions policed too, that's why it took me forever to get comfortable showing them around other people.
     
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