Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

sometimes i remember how badly i want to be loved and it kills me inside

 

like. i felt off all today and couldn't figure out why, still don't know
and then suddenly "Oh, remember how you're inherently unlovable and will die alone? :) Yeah. Don't forget that. Also you shouldn't do hormones ever, you'll be even uglier as a man and want to die twice as hard <3"
like
i was feeling like something was gonna smack me earlier, i was anxious, but i didn't think it was gonna be my own fucking brain
can i like
not
can i not do this

 

im also realizing my marriage fucked me up in more ways than i realized
i spent so many years being so isolated
so many
i have no perception of myself as attractive outside of that, and even when i was IN the marriage i didn't believe it
he'd lie and say people were staring at me, or talking about me, or doing all these things and they were such obvious lies that it just ingrained the lack of attention i had far as the outside world was concerned. i wasn't beautiful at any point. i was fat and ugly and getting fatter and uglier by the year as my body broke down and made me even more of a cripple to boot. i couldn't go places or do things and mimic others. it was just me, falling apart at the seams.

no wonder he cheated on me and left
i wasn't even a person anymore
i'm still not a person
i don't know how to be a person

 

brain is behaving a bit better today but still pulling fuckshit
also my leg is infected
still

Spoiler: gross

i removed all the pus but there's officially a pocket space, and an open little hole leading to it, inside of my leg but odds are I'm gonna have to as the dr for help in a few days if it isn't showing signs of clearing up.

 

finally got my stuff from con set up on the wall. big old ff7 cast print, todoroki + bakugou + kirishima print by same artist, both signed. one for all poster thats real cute a size smaller, todoroki print from same artist. and the lil sailor cosmos print. @W@ too much reaching with arms up. :dies:

 

brain continues to pull fuckshit with me
idek what it wants anymore
i just feel sad and empty and upset
stressed
on edge
like i'm about to get smacked around by some big force again and i'll have no way out of it

 

Wild As Fuck Dream Last Night

i was with my dad visiting my uncle. We went to walmart in this town to get soda and snacks and stuff, but the walmart was weird. and then there was some kind of disaster and we had to leave. there were monsters of some kind, there was mass panic. we wound up leaving into the town and wandering around because everything seemed fine?? there was a fair and these huge rabbit cages and dressed up chickens dancing and cats and dogs everywhere. i got a puppy.
but then we realized like.. there WERE monsters. but they affected you once you were inside of buildings. if the doors closed, monsters could come. they could find you. we holed up in this small building and tried to sleep with a bunch of others but someone closed the door and chaos started up.

dad and me got separated, but i stayed with the group. i went to an army outpost that had books, i wanted something to keep my mind off what was happening because nobody could get me home, i was in a wheelchair and nobody wanted to bother. i was going to get my book but someone shut the door and monsters came. i got out as fast as i could but got cornered by like??? these people from outside in robes?? who knew about the monsters enough to travel safely without them interfering. i got kept as a captive though.
I was given to this guy and i guess I was forced to have a kid????? and lost my puppy. at one point monsters came anyway and i lost my baby and was in a massive fucking panic about it, i couldn't find it anywhere, i was so upset, i had nothing and then i literally had nothing left. we wound up back at that same small town where people were starting to recover, albeit inside of the buildings. they had systems to keep them safe. the monsters just permanently lurked around outside, but they weren't monsters anymore, they looked like people in hazmat suits with big spaceman helmets.

they attacked the robed people group and everyone fled and my cripple ass got caught, again, because the dude i was given to said "Yeet" and abandoned my ass. i got disinfected and run through this building where they were checking for infection of some kind, they kept checking my teeth and my eyes. i found my puppy. i started looking for my dad and woke up.

 

i couldn't sleep well last night. Fits and spurts till like 4am, then i managed a good sleep. passed out again at like 10:30 for a few hours to compensate and clean up the remainder snoozes i needed.
spilled gatorade all over my fox blanket so it gets its first wash and dry lol. decided to throw in laundry from con and the last several days at the same time. maybe i'll clean more of my room. its a wee bit of a Hole again and im displeased. but like. spoons, man. spoons.
was gonna have therapy today but dude had to cancel and reschedule for thursday
i see my psych tomorrow about my meds, and im gonna see if they can spare a nurse to take a look at my leg too. it looks better than it did, but i don't trust it :/ there was literally a hole to a pocket in my leg, no matter how small that's no bueno to me.

i figured out that some of my issues with inspiration was bc i was... not actively seeking inspiration. i stopped scrolling insta once in a while and went cold turkey and i haven't been taking in much art. but recently i got back onto it and im on twitter more often indulging in neat art so it's an improvement. now that i'm aware of the problem at least i can work on it, yknow?

 

asked my psych about pmdd and he said "yes" without any prompting and added it to my chart immediately lmfao.
I'm supposed to ask my main dr about birth control to help it when i see her.
also leg infection deemed a non-issue, and was told to keep an eye on it.

 

me: time to write!

brain: nap time

me: ... n... no, writing ti-

brain: NAP TIME, NO WRITE

me: ITS STILL EARLY

brain: :hammering its fists on the sleepy button every time i try to write, draw, or function:

 

unfortunately a Mood

 

i got my haircut done earlier. the lady last time hadn't trimmed the back top enough, so it was floppy and awkward, and she wrote 1+2 instead of 0+1 and did that which meant it was longer than i wanted too. not sure how she got that miscommunication but whatever. new hair is sick.
while i was out i walked a block and browsed at the Gamestop bc it'd been a long while. pre-ordered skyward sword, got katamari damacy and the bioshock series for cheap. got some animal crossing bandanas for me and my friend bc Cute and also on sale. also got a neat LoZ bag. c:
then i went to barnes and nobles planning to like. browse and sit down to rest bc i was drenched in sweat and shaking and out of it and there was 0 chairs still all these months later, nowhere to sit and i didn't want to sit on the floor, so i went back outside and chilled against the edge of the building till my roomie came and got me.

i managed a shower after i cooled down and rested at home, just got dry. but like. now im fucking EXHAUSTED and so sore and lowkey wheezy. even my arms are exhausted.
idgi, there's no middle ground. gjfdlkgd i hurt so bad.

 

my body apparently said No so hard to the adventure yesterday that it made me sleep for 12 hours. i passed tf out at 7 something last night.

 

i slept 12 hours last night, then napped. i've eaten, drank, took my meds, and i've been resting. and i feel like absolute fucking Trash what gives. :CCCCC

 

i went to bed at 10:30, woke up jolt upright at midnight bc i remembered about my foodstamp recertification and thought i missed it (its later today i didnt miss it somehow)
went back to bed
hotflash
wake up at 2, toss and turn for nearly an hour
give up

christmas lights time now

 

sometimes i look at all my surgery scars. there's a lot of them now, and they all look different. some are faded out and healed, others on the hips are fatter, fresher, angry purple still. i look at them and rub them to help them heal more over time, to not be stiff. i just sit and look at them, these places that still hurt despite the surgeries, on a body that's still failing to do what i want it to do.
and i just sit and think "Good."
"The outside matches the inside somewhat now. People can see."

 

in other words im still feeling like garbage, but at least its manageable garbage. i think rn im like. pmsing, which is causing the hot flashes. the upset stomach.
thinking a lot of thoughts. some deeper than others. some deep as "what is in my future" and some as shallow as what mugs or nightlights i want in my future apartment.
i need to clean my room but Spoons. started the process of cleaning up my bookshelves at least, which is a plus. the only down side is some volumes are just... missing. no clue where they are. volume 1 of rayearth and the first three volumes of Cardcaptor Sakura's second series, thus far. I also can't find one of the volumes of Honda-san which is even weirder because i had that in hand so recently. my floor must have swallowed it. :/ I'll find it eventually but Hhhhh. annoying.

 

went to do my recert call and its an hour to hour and a half wait. imma get a callback and hope it works this time instead of booting me like last time. but like. apparently they already Canceled my foodstamps now so im even more confused. they're the ones who scheduled this damn appointment, why'd it lapse. 8l

 

RECERTIFICATION IS GO, I JUST GOTTA GIVE PROOF OF HOW MUCH RENT I PAY AGAIN AND BAM I'M A FREE BIRB