Vent siggy is soggy

i cant even enjoy playing overwatch with friends when i see them winning games before i join in their group, then ALL the games im in, we lose
like
what the fuck does that say about me as a player???

i can't have fun in the game were nearly all of my games are all losses with close wins. like???? i can't have fun when im always trying my best and i continue to fail.

 

Felt dysphoric in the Ulta today

 

lmao i caved in and spent money on thc syrup. i didnt want to cuz of me liking to drink things, but it's a tablespoon for the use and it's the usual amount i like to have for strength so honestly, not too bad. i just,, gotta watch myself lol.

i guess it is kind of pathetic of me to spend a lot of money on cbd gummies or something as a medicine substitute but, honestly, i think im just too depressed to even try anymore and im trying to get through the days before something happens to me.

 

Im copy-pasting from discord on a dream i had last night:

had a dream i remembered for once and wrote it down lmao: tw: MAYBE suicide????????

from what i can tell, i wanted to die, then come back?? I guess I somehow got in touch with someone who had magic liquid that would bring someone back and i wanted to (maybe??) test it. If I died and stayed dead i made a will??
My mom was there, someone who was another friend or partner, and... two homestuck characters were there? idk who. I died, then came back, and said it was like going to sleep??

one last part of this is i somehow made a facebook event to witness my death, and i wrote down 'be there or be square!'

apparently that was popular enough where i got a call out post lmao

i dont think i'm well but the call out post and facebook event part is pretty funny

 

:(

 

seeing both my parents be old and aching just, it greatly upsets me.

I don't like seeomg them growing old ;;

 

i might need to take a day and just draw out my frustrations i had growing up. or how i wish i would actually say if i wasn't a nervous mess and wanting to please everyone.

a lot of them are school related stuff lol. i think public school really did traumatize me cuz i have little memories from private school. or i repressed a lot of them :/

either way, shame on my teachers for stealing from me, taking my shit, and or not trying to help me retrieve something that was stolen from me.

 

this thread is over 50 pages and like, that's so many pages. i kept thinking i should make a journal to write my thoughts down but,, ive had this thread for 6ish years?? thats such a long time to be upset this badly where the main source was from one person and it somehow spread into branches of like, many other things past that.

the depression was there, i had it hard even before i met beek, but man, he sure made it worse and im,, i guess im too tired to try to help myself anymore.

 

i feel so useless, i get high too often where i need to cut down now and i just, idk i feel like ill never get anywhere in life.

 

lmao spamming my own thread

i just, i hope tomorrows dnd game is fun, i have so little patience playing dnd now and trying to do any rp with friends or me trying to form a coherent thought just, it's hard now.

 

sitting here nervous about dnd and me hoping to get a table to convention has actually froze me in my spot where i can't even draw

 

i don't think it's good that every day i wake up wanting to die or thinking about dying or wish i didn't wake up at all lmao

also i didnt get the table, but everyone else did :) so i just wont be going so i dont feel left out and alone even more than i already do

 

nothing more fun than getting those bad 3am thoughts at 12am.

i'm,, i think i'm feeling incredibly alone cuz so many people around me are getting married, are married, or are in a relationship and i just,

i feel too afraid to even attempt without wanting to cry my eyes out, but whenever someone does show interest in me i'mjust, idk how to react or i just want to run away.
it's pathetic and i feel pathetic for being like this.

 

it's like i'm good enough to be a friend but not enough to be romantic with and it's, idk

i know some stuff i need to work on, im not saying everyones shitty for not liking me, i'm upset because i feel too incompetent to be romantic and i just, idk, i think i mask so hard idk how to be my genuine self around anyone.

 

AM i pathetic??? it's more likely than you think! time to get high and go to sleep!

 

dnd isnt fun for me anymore. i can't handle the rping, i can't handle trying to think of how to progress a story, i can't handle memorizing every spell i do or remember things, im just, hhh,

nothing's fun for me anymore.

 

my friends punking on me because of my shitty microwave oven where i start cry laughing at funny they are was a good pick up :) <3

 

bro i am not having a bombastic time

 

ngl i feel like i really should just kill myself, cuz i feel like i can't do anything at all, no matter how much i'm trying, but its like, i don't feel like i can do anything. everything costs money, i have no money, i can't constantly give something every day and idk how i can market myself more than 'i make things and if you like it please consider pledging/buying from me' and like, ugh

 

being critically online has genuinely ruined me and my ability to just, rest i think
idk, i'm one call out post away from just completely killing myself cuz i know i can't handle actual jobs unless the boss is REALLY understanding and will give me time. cuz i know i can work, i just need to be adjusted to it. but no one wants to wait or pay me an actual job. like at least i have something to help me get to places but only so far too.