So the family on my mother's side spoke Yiddish. And the Yiddish specifically came from my maternal great grandmother. We also cooked things like latkes occasionally. My grandmother has said we're Catholic and as far as she was aware they were. I've done at least some research on Yiddish communities in Ukraine, which is where my family is from, and indications are pointing at it potentially having been a case of coercive conversion after the family arrived in Canada. I've spoken about this with some Jewish friends of mine and they've all responded that it sounds like the family was coerced into converting. Non-Jewish friends who are very close to/married to Jews have also reported similar things. Apparently my mother's ex's Jewish family was also like deeply convinced we were Jewish. This I wasn't aware of until today. I'm not really sure what to do with this information. Religiously practicing isn't a thing I would be interested in given the whole polytheism thing. But I do want to do some sort of research and to find someone to talk to about this. Like at the very least I'd like to know more about Jewish people and culture. So if anyone here has any resources they can share that'd be lovely.
You're asking about culture, and I don't have anything to suggest there. But if you are interested in a separate line of evidence, you might try 23andMe to see whether you have Ashkenazi ancestry. You might even find a distant relative.
It's apparently good at picking up Ashkenazi so that is an option, yeah. For the moment a friend of mine has suggested a book that is for converts that might be helpful for my initial researches. And there is like some sort of community center near us that I'm going to try calling tomorrow and like. Talk with them about things. Since I would like to get advice from someone who knows shit about the actual process on what to do if anything. For more thoughts on the thing with my mom's ex's mom...This has put how we were treated in the family into a new perspective. As things like the holidays weren't ever treated as like a thing distant from us that we were being invited to be guests at but more like...Things that were ours but which we didn't know how to do so we had to be taught. In general I have a lot of complicated feelings about Jewish holidays because they were things that were very much "mine" for a time. But given just. The everything. They've become distant things I just kind of have had to sadly accept I'll never get to really participate in again. And it is weird realizing that the feeling is likely due to the fact that a particular woman I lived with as a grandmother for several years of my life treated them as being our holidays. And in general I just really miss things like those and the like.
Update on this. I have picked up Choosing a Jewish Life on recommendation from a friend of mine. I have a meeting with a Rabbi scheduled for next Tuesday to talk about all this. I tracked down dates with the help of my family and the internet. I have found that it's likely the family left Ukraine around 1918 and 1921. Which puts us right in time for the Ukrainian pogroms which led to the tightening of immigration laws in countries like the US and France, necessitating a decent chunk of people forge documents and claim to be Catholic and the like. I've also found that my great grandmother's name seems to be a point of contention and dubious to some extent.
Anyway I'm not doing well emotionally. The friend who gave the book recommendation has been very kind and understanding and says that as far she's concerned I'm in. Which is comforting but also depressing given the circumstances.
Anyway. I am extremely adamant I at least learn things about the history and culture. So I am going to go through that. Not sure what I will have to do to do that. I guess I can talk to the rabbi about that. That's part of why I'm seeing him. But I am going to do that. I am decided on that front. Granny Great died not being able to speak to her grandchildren and great grandchildren and the nazis who formed after she left the country are still around and I think that's fucking bullshit.
choosing a jewish life is a really good book rec! i've heard good things too about "why be jewish?: a testament" by edgar bronfman and "here all along" by sarah hurwitz, i've not personally read them but they could be worth checking out. as far as your own religious beliefs being contradictory to jewish religious practices, you definitely don't have to be religiously jewish to investigate your roots and get involved in the local jewish community. i hope talking to the rabbi went well!! i'll let you know if i find any other resources that might prove useful to you
It was a really good one I felt. I'll also look into those two as well. And yeah I know that about the Jewish thing. But like I do very much want to look into the religious side of things because it's like an important part of the culture thing. That and like. They had to hide it and instead be Catholic (and then convert to some form of Protestant in my great grandmother's case). So like that just. Sucks. I also have like some form of belief in God? Like not in terms of God's literal existence, but in terms of God being deeply meaningful to me in some fashion. I feel like it's disingenuous to say I don't believe in God when I've got and have had very strong feelings about God specifically in like...Shit that isn't not the New Testament. I've never given two shits about Jesus or his supposed divinity. I do however give many shits about Moses and Job. With Job I give all the shits, actually. So like if Judaism has something to offer on that front and in a way where I don't have to agree with anyone, including rabbis, and where I'm allowed to not literally believe in God's existence or the literal existence of anything in these stories? Yeah that sounds nice. I'd like to look into that, even if I don't end up like. Religiously Jewish. And talking with the rabbi went well. He said it's highly likely and that the Yiddish as a mother language thing stands out perhaps the most. I did forget to mention that I did know where my great great grandmother is from. Which is a shtetl. Which. Seems very fucking relevant. The family line goes cold after my great great grandmother's parents too who have...the most stereotypically Slavic Christian names possible. We also don't know where they're from or when they were born or...Literally anything but their names. Which given that my great great grandmother's name is a point of contention...I dunno. Current theory is it's likely and they changed names and religion to leave Ukraine. So I'm getting a test done to see if Ashkenazi pops up, on the advice of the rabbi and another non-rabbi Jewish acquaintance. If it doesn't...People I've spoken with have stated that given the time period it's still likely that my great great grandmother was Jewish. Just in that case she'd likely have been a convert. But like the speaking Yiddish as a native language at a time in Ukraine when it was basically constant pogroms or threats of pogroms and which was overshadowed by another earlier and very bad pogrom...It just kind of doesn't make sense for her not to have been Jewish? Not in that political climate. In general Jewish people I've spoken with, born and convert, about it have just kind of settled and gone "Yeah you're Jewish". A few have been very real with me about the fact that there will be those who claim I'm not for any variety of reasons, ranging from it not being patrilineal (there are branches that are strict patrilineal descent only apparently) to my not being raised Jewish. As like they themselves have similar issues and like in general I'm learning that my status as Schrodinger's Jew is apparently just...Actually fairly common. I've mostly stopped breaking into sobbing fits about the 1918-1921 pogroms thing. Mostly.
It's an overwhelming sort of thing that feels Right on a deep level and like something has slid into place. I have been thinking about like that concept shared by some that like Jewish people who are distanced from Judaism for whatever reason still have Jewish souls which know what they are. Which results in a sort of longing until it is eventually too much to bear. I can't say I literally believe in this, but this has been something I've felt compelled to look into since I was a child so like. It's a meaningful concept to cling to. As it puts a name and a face to it. Provides a metaphorical framework for it. I'm also still Uncertain and fearful that something will happen that reveals it not to be true even though...Literally all the pieces seem to line up to this one conclusion. It's very hard. I'm assured that this is apparently just A Normal Thing. And that if anything the difficulty with it is an authentically Jewish experience. As my butch said, "You're already fitting in."
And shared my story with the guy in charge of the local Hillel. He was very kind and understanding and was very on board with my family being Jewish based off the circumstantial evidence alone. Talked me through some stuff. Looking into resources now for me for intro to Judaism courses. Which I am interested in taking. I also want to look into attending shul at some point. Just. To do it. At least a few times.
Found a copy of Here All Along and picked that up. Been reading through The Golem and the Jinni and The God Contract anthology. I've got a meeting scheduled with the guy from the Hillel again. This time to talk about my thoughts on God since I'd like to finally be able to work through that. Which I feel I can do now that I don't have to worry about either Jesus or Muhammad. Jesus I've just never felt much about beyond "That sure is a guy" and Muhammad is neat but like...I dunno Islam comes with things like the infallibility of prophets and also Hell and I'm not down with that. If Noah isn't getting white girl wasted it's not Noah. I've also started studying Yiddish. I'm working through In Eynem at the moment and also poking at duolingo to get extra bits of reading practice done when I'm not at home. It's just really nice to be able to study my language? And I've met someone who'd be interested in studying together with me. They're busy at the moment but like eventually I can have a study buddy. And I can see if anyone in the local community knows of learning groups for it or see if anyone is studying it themselves and wants a buddy to learn with. Also an update on the crying about the pogroms thing...Talk with the guy from the Hillel's mostly fixed that? He brought up while we were talking the fact that genocide isn't just literal death. It's also things like language death, religion death, name changes. All of which happened to my family. And it seems like the one last thing we were having trouble with was accepting that, yes, my family suffered genocide. It was successful. But not successful enough as I am still alive to be young and angry and willing to study and willing to exist.
