home for the holidays?

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by latitans, Dec 18, 2017.

  1. latitans

    latitans zounds, scoob

    (apologies if this is the wrong board for this)

    Since this is the time of year when a lot of people end up back with their families for school breaks, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, &c., I thought it would be nice to have a thread to commiserate about tough family holiday stuff, the weirdness of being back in your home town, or whatever end-of-the-year feelings you're having.

    I'll kick it off.

    I'm gonna be back at my parents' house for the first time since my good friend died. He was living in the same city as them, and I had gotten used to seeing him whenever I went home. He would come over and sit on my parents porch, and we would drink beer and talk. Last winter we made cookies together, but I forgot the batter had to chill for a couple of hours so he had to go back to his apartment before he got to eat any.

    I've been avoiding this grief for a while, but I'm scared that when I'm back in my parents' house it will come crashing down on me.

    There's also the perpetual Weirdness with me, my mom, and my grandmother. It's too long of a story to type out, and there are big gaps that I don't actually know, but basically, there's a lot of generational trauma between my mom and grandmother. My grandmother was in some pretty terrible situations growing up, and there are times when I can tell she's still dealing with a lot of that pain and trauma. Then her son, my mom's younger brother, was born with a fatal genetic disorder. He died when my mom was 14, after they had spent years moving from city to city, hospital and hospital. My mom sort of had to raise herself, and had to deal with a lot of grief and fear when she was growing up. There's a lot of hardened pain there, too. My mom also has very intense, largely untreated anxiety, and my grandmother also seems to have some untreated stuff going on. I've been trying to talk to her about therapy, but she's not into it.

    Growing up, I was sort of caught in it, although I didn't really understand any of it. After my grandad died when I was 8, my grandmother went through a particularly bad time. She threw herself into a bad relationship, and some stuff went down that really damaged my relationship with her. Ever since then I've always felt like she's wanted me to go back to when I was 7, a little girl who wanted to impress her and play with her.

    I'm leaving tomorrow to go back home, so I'm kinda anxious. I think it'll be mostly fine, maybe some sort of low-grade angst and anger, but no big blow-ups or anything. But we'll see.

    In good news, it will actually be cold weather! Which is exciting for me. I live in a place now that doesn't really have seasons, and I miss having a real winter. And I got a book for my mom that I think she'll really like, so I'm excited to give it to her.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
    • Witnessed x 2
  2. latitans

    latitans zounds, scoob

    On another lighter note, my grandma is on about her tiny village again.

    The tiny village is a collection of little china figurines and little houses like you would get in a train set that my grandmother arranges to look like a, well, tiny village. She sets them up on a styrofoam blocks covered with felt and cotton balls shredded to look like fake snow. Over the years the collection has grown so much that it now covers three card tables. Some of the fake houses have little LED lights wired to watch batteries so it looks like there are lights flickering in the windows.

    It's...a lot. And it would be fine if it gave my grandmother joy. But she talks about the tiny village like she's its beleaguered mayor and it's going through an economic crisis. She just has the sense or, like, dour, resigned responsibility about it.

    Every year, my mom tries to convince her that she doesn't need to do the tiny village if she doesn't want to. Every year, my grandmother says that, well, if my mom isn't going to do it, she has to. My mom does not and has never wanted to do the tiny village. So the tiny village is going up again, and my grandmother is again weirdly mad about it. And everyone who comes to the house goes "oh wow that's...A Lot."
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  3. latitans

    latitans zounds, scoob

    My grandmother volunteered to make 150 peanut butter cookies for the homeless center she volunteers at, which was a very nice thing to do. But she was tired and stressed and wasn't even getting started until 5:30 at night, when she needed them done and packaged for the next day.

    So I ended up making 150 peanut butter cookies. And I don't even like peanut butter cookies.

    It wasn't like a disaster or anything, I don't mind baking, but it was more of a, like, 'how does this always happen' thing. I can't be mad at my grandma for trying to do something nice for a lot of people, but I do wish that sometimes she was a little more realistic about what is a reasonable amount to get done in an afternoon.
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  4. latitans

    latitans zounds, scoob

    I did bust that shit out in like 2 and a half hours, tho. I went into some sort of peanut butter cookie trance
     
  5. latitans

    latitans zounds, scoob

    (also anyone else is free to post in here, if you've got holiday/spending time with your family weirdness or bad feelings that you want to share)
     
  6. latitans

    latitans zounds, scoob

    (kind of a bummer)

    I feel like being around my family kind of turns me into a worse person. Like, normally, I would be fine being like "please stop talking about food this way, it makes me uncomfortable," or just removing myself from the situation. But around my family I turn snappish and passive-aggressive, and instead just get cold and sulky. I just kind of fall back into the way I was when I last lived with them full time. I was 13, and hadn't learned any communication or coping skills.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  7. anon person

    anon person actually a cat

    good thread op.

    i live at home but my grandmother visits every year for christmas and spends a week or so aggravating me to death, almost entirely on accident. i wish i didn't dislike her so much but she's selfish and greedy and no one can say anything even slightly critical to her because she takes it so badly. i can't even say "grandmother, please don't direct so many comments at me when i'm working, it's distracting and we don't need to exchange greetings every time you come into our room" because it would hurt her feelings and she'd get into a snit and probably take it out on my mother since she's too much of a coward to be bitchy at people who stand up to her. i just have to pretend not to be able to hear her through my headphones and occasionally give her positive attention to take care of the slight snit she gets into over being ignored. and i hate performing emotion at people so that makes me dislike her even more.

    she doesn't even bring relatives i like with her anymore because they're dead. this sucks.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  8. latitans

    latitans zounds, scoob

    coming back around because it's that time of year agaaaaaaain

    my thanksgiving was very very weird, but could have gone worse. i ended up having to host my grandma in my 1 bedroom apartment last-minute, after my uncle threw a piss fit about her staying in his office. (he doesn't need 24/7 access to his office. he is just an asshole.) like eight other ridiculous things happened, too.

    but i was feeling very, very...heavy this year. pressed down by emotion. it's the first holiday season since my mom's cancer diagnosis. everything felt really crucial and important, even though it probably wasn't. so even the smallest mishaps just made me feel absolutely horrible.
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice