Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

Tried to get into writing romance/erotica again and remembered why I cried and dropped out of trying last time. I don't know why I'm so fixated on trying, nor why I'm so upset that I can't, but I think it's a combo of a) wanting easy money and b) it being the only genre I know which tells me I'm broken or stupid and unworthy of happiness for not liking it.

 

there's no such thing as easy money unfortunately :(

 

i hate it when stupid heads miss the fucking point.

Some twitter thread: this dumbass thought all mens clothing should be drab colors and be pretentiously disheveled and im telling u if u wanna look colorful and dress wild and deviate from suits, men, you can! you can and u should care abt urself and not some boring society normie standard abt what suits should be, if u wanna wear smthing wild do it!!! wanna wear a bigass fancy gown thing? yeah! yeah!!!

some STUPID HEAD: Um have u considered that I like suits tho??? have u considered that??? maybe tomorrow i'll change my mind but have u considered that gray is my favorite color??? have you considered it???

 

Spoiler: Uncharitable reply to question in quote

no, because gray is a stupid colour

 

except i can't wear something wild because all the shops around here sell is grey

fuck you stupid head

 

i have seen this exact thread and it infuriates me

 

It’s the genderswapped version of every conversation about makeup+feminism ever

 

I think my recurring problem is I take "you're unhappy doing this and not good at it" as a personal insult and a challenge, so I try harder, and I AM unhappy and not good at it. Does anyone know how to not do that?

 

Are there any things that you’re not good at but ARE happy doing? If so you could maybe try to take the feeling of challenge and redirect it over there.

Alternatively: hey, did you know you really suck at not doing stuff you hate? :P meant mostly as a joke in case it’s not clear

 

Hee! ^_^ I get it, it's okay. And I don't really know. I guess the thing to do would be to take the rage at not being able to write easily-commercial fiction and direct it into higher-risk higher-effort stuff I do like writing.

 

One of my life problems is I'm almost straight, but in a queer way. The plight of the ace NB heterobutch.

 

im frustrated and dont want to deal with

1. taxes
2. Submitting my diabetic supplies to 2 different insurances to try to get money back (edit: first 1 insurance then the other to cover the remainder, im not doing fraud)
3. diabetes and the fuckzillion tasks and extra decisions required, even tho ive literally been diabetic since age 3 so you would figure i would have a better handle by age 26
4. work
5. adhd
6. laundry
7. dishes
8. recycling
9. cooking food

 

Here I am once again to vent about my f-ed up family.

I've already talked about how my dad is emotionally abusive so I'll spare the stories that I can remember. Tonight though has got me all kinds of fumming and seriously has me considering tossing a long string of strongly worded text messages his way. (I still might once I move)

Spoiler: spoilered just in case

To get to the story I had been playing Okami and didn't realize it was almost 2 hours after when dinner is usually ready and I hadn't gotten a text saying that food was ready. I thought that was odd but went into the living room to see if maybe they had just forgotten. When I do I see that there wasn't any food and that dad wasn't in the house.

I ask them if there was any food ready and mom tells me that there isn't because she didn't make any. The way she said this I could tell something was wrong and my sisters say that dad went to get some ice, and hadn't came back yet.

I just shrug it off and fix some ramen noodles with eggs on the stove. While I'm waiting on them Mom goes into the bed room and I realize that she's crying. It's not the first time Dad's blew his lid over something stupid and blamed it all on her so I knew that was what had happened this time. That was enough to make me mad at him but what happened next really makes me consider my time frames.

When I get back to my room I send mom a text telling her that he was being a douche and that she didn't do anything wrong. I get back "I'm used to it." At that poing I just broke down. I seriously hate this guys guts right now and want to be anywhere else but in the same house as him.

Okay now I'm even more mad because as I was writing this I remembered that dad's go to insult for me for the longest time was that I'm to much like my mom. Now I'm really fumming over thinking about how much he's probably done to her that I didn't know about or was to young to realize.

 

proof? pudding

nobody cares lol u could vanish and the total number of fucks given would still be zero. mayb even negative

^directed@me for folks concerned about vaguee

Spoiler: here comes the vague train choo choo

still @me tho

maybe if u tried to be hated and trash yourself on anon people would throw themselves at u to give attention
worked for some ppl

 

I have to leave my chair-dance class because I'm too big to progress in this style. The teacher and choreographer are much shorter than me and about a third my weight, and it's physically impossible for me to do what they do without falling off the chair because my centre of gravity is in a completely different place from theirs. I was fine with the simpler routines but now it's impossible for me to keep up and it's making me feel like a disgusting clumsy blob. No one's said anything or anything, they're all really nice, but I stand out and I suck compared to everyone else.

 

I'm fucking irate fb is for some reason cracking down on tumblr links
I keep trying to send funny memes to my friends and fb fucking blocks the link
Fuck

 

When I work at being pleasant to people I fail and I'm not cool enough to market myself as The Bitch You Wish You Could Get Away With Being. I know it's worth the work for the former but the latter is extremely tempting. Guess it only works for fictional people though.

 

Got grumpy about work thing while driving around

Stopped, ate, didnt test my blood sugar, took insulin

Didnt notice blood sugar dropping, idk why bc i usually do notice

Am rescuing myself from a blood sugar crash, have eaten Many sugars so it should all work out fine.

Which is to say, I Fucked Up and am Tired of having to be fucking perfect or risk just throwing my whole body in the trash

 

FUCK
I hate feeling like the fucking worst because I can't pay attention properly in class. I feel like I'm wasting an expensive college education when I know damn well it's just my fucked up brain. I hate it hate it hate it fuck you brain.

 

When I realise people like stuff I'm writing and want to be involved in it - I've had people write fanfics of my fanfics multiple times! - I immediately get embarrassed and want to drop it or not read what they do. Why does that happen? Impostor syndrome?