Adulting is Hard etc

-hsa thing
-dental insurance thing
-inquire about apartment i found that would be fucking amazing both price and location wise but unfortunately its up for sale now and not for Sept so trying not to get hopes up

Got in touch with my brother's friend who is a lawyer who does disability/medical advocacy among other things and he's going to help us tackle the mess that is the state of Aki's healthcare. (yells) My brother actually offered to pay him for us which i am. Super grateful for. I would want to try to pay him back eventually but right now we have to save up for moving...

Doing some budget math and if i work steadily i should be able to save at least ...1200 by end of July...then we should be getting our security deposit back in August...my only concern is being able to put down a deposit for a new place in time bc we'll want to settle on a place as early as possible. I just dont really want to stay here another year bc im sure the rent will go up again and...meh. for a first place to live together it was fine but it's not ideal. Need more elbow room and sunlight. And kitchen cabinets. (Our kitchen is just weird. Its a decent size but mostly empty so we had to bring in storsge furniture.)

Theoretically could ask my parents for help but I'm...really loathe to, even if it would be a very short term loan... I'll have to ask them to co sign again anyway. (I guess i could promise them my returned security deposit or w.e)

...reminder to check my pay stubs and see how many hours i should be pushing for.

 

...my second monitor died. I know having 2 is a luxury and honestly it was old (hand me down from my dad, heavy and bulky) and now i guess i dont have to take it with me when we move but. Bummer.

Have to make a trip to recycle a bunch of old broken electronics including a printer at some pt anyway. I can't afford a new one but i might poke around on craigslist for something just because im used to having 2...(i put my game on one and everything else on the other screen)

Have gastro appointment tomorrow. I feel like i should have cancelled it bc my digestive issues are mostly caused by my period anyway and they've def improved...and now that i have a copay its like. Unnecessary to spend that money...at least it comes out of my hsa i think...still have to figure that out >.< low spoons lately. At least if i keep a reciept i can apparently get reimbursed.

Creative brain has been weird as hell lately. I've got the drive to draw/write still but when it comes to actually thinking of ideas its either really difficult or i start getting embarrassed by being self-indulgent. I thought i got past that but idk.

I know parts of what made me stop roleplaying on Dreamwidth was anxiety on top of lack of spoons; i got to a point where i saw other people's work so deeply scrutinized that i was terrified it would happen to me and i started to overthink things. Then it wasnt fun anymore. I still get hung up on "you need to research this topic before you write about it because if you get it wrong its BAD and youre a bad writer and should be ashamed" (daily life in a fantasy world's evil imperial army. Daily life on a fantasy pirate ship) but no spoons to research so writing barely happens, even if i really want it to.

I posted 3 out of 5 parts of my drk fic on tumblr and got no real response anyway...and stuck on part 4 bc i need to revise a scene but don't have access to the rp log its based off of. (It was probably done on my phone several years ago, may be archived on Aki's computer but they havent been able to go digging for it yet.) It may have been the time of day and im trying not to get down about it...after i post all 5 i was going to make a masterpost of all the illustrations i did w links to the different parts and that will probably generate some interest...i think. I'm a dumbass and put everything but the first paragraph under a readmore and now im thinking I should have shown up to the first illustration each.

 

Mouthguard has been obtained. Will see how it goes. I was able to sleep w it on at least.

Did some research and apparently the city does electronics drop off/recycling for free a few times a year so just gotta stay on top of that.

 

aaaargh....I managed to sprain my ankle somehow?? I guess?? it's been hurting for a week but only when i point my toe so i thought i was just stiff and hadn't been stretching enough so i kept brushing it off. I happened to look down today and notice it's really swollen right over the ankle bone that sticks out. so icing it and going to urgent care tomorrow i guess.

Not really sure how i did it but it could have been anything i guess.

 

Ankle still being weird. Have appointment for Monday. I've been icing it periodically and the swelling has gone down...on the spot over the ankle bone, but now my entire foot is kind of weird and puffy. It still doesnt hurt to walk on aside from if i try to point it too much so im like. ???? Also there's a weird lump near the ankle bone. So...will see what doc says...

Did a Clothing Purge and found some stuff i havent worn in ages (or at all) to donate. Felt kinda good.

 

sort of...sorted things. checked out HSA website and there's a way to reimburse myself for the meds/copays I paid out of pocket so just waiting for my bank account verification. Otherwise...i don't know why the card didn't work? I activated it according to instructions. Unless the person put it in as a credit card (it does say mastercard on it) and it's only supposed to be entered as Debit? I will try again on monday at urgent care appointment (foot is still weirdly swollen) tho I don't recall making a pin # >.<

looked at dental insurance website again and it says my ID # would be on the card if it's not my social so...i don't know. I'm thinking I'll go to the dentist office in person to sort it out next week since I can call insurance while I'm there if i need to.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

(there's like $250 in my HSA already which is. nice. it should cover the stuff I paid for already)

reminding self to figure out how to renew driver's license once that stuff gets settled bc it expires in...2 months...

 

Apparently its a mild ankle sprain!

Just have to wrap and ice and do some stretches. I have a suspicion my old shoes are the culprit, i don't really remember twisting it but i am clumsy often enough that i wouldn't have noted a stumble unless it really hurt. I'll just have to wear my work shoes until i can get another pair of casual ones. (I was leaving them at work since i was commuting in my winter boots.) Old shoes served their purpose (adjusting my posture) but they're too worn out now, I think.

On the subject of clumsiness, i read a bunch of stuff about proprioception and child development and...welp...explains a lot. I still have issues with it, im fine w 2d space but misjudge where i am in 3d space all the time. A lot of the time i have difficulty trusting/interpreting visual info in that sense. I also drop objects a lot. I think im holding them securely and then suddenly they're falling. (Reasons i make sure to get a sturdy cellphone case) Weirdly thats more of an autistic thing according to studies (relying more on internal than external signals) but i don't know quite enough on the subject to be certain of that. Though we suspect i might actually have some sort of learning disability on top of the ADHD that might explain that...

Aki and i have talked about it and they're kind of hyperaware of their body and surroundings but that could be a chronic pain thing and/or dysphoria. I seem to be on the opposite end of "not receiving enough sensory info" tho i hate tight clothing. I def did all the other stuff as a kid tho. (Loved climbing and slides and physical activities, but as an adult im overcautious. Wondering if i got clumsier as i got older because it stopped being socially acceptable for me to run around?)

Thinking about it i think i rely more on auditory cues than visual which explains why i do better in certain situations (movement, responding to stuff in video games bc i have my sound settings do the fake surround sound thing etc) but will knock over stationary objects because i don't see them. I can walk through familiar areas while staring at my phone (used to walk to and from school reading a book) and i know where the crosswalks are to stop and look up.

Ultimately sensory integration problems seem to be split into two categories (sensory seeking & sensory avoiding) but in terms of individuals people can have a mix of both (even w the same sense at different times.)

Spoiler: Mom bullshit

Idk rambling, but it was nagging me that my mom said sth once about how i used to fall over while playing sports as a kid and just sit there for a bit even if i wasnt hurt. She said i was doing it for attention. :| i told her i used to do it because i felt disoriented and needed a minute to get my bearings and she was like "oh..."

Just constantly annoyed and boggled at how a woman whose fucking JOB it is to work w kids with learning and developmental disabilities failed so hard w her own kids. Then again she didn't know autism & adhd were officially developmental disabilities until i told her a few years ago (she thought autism was considered a mental illness or something?? I cant remember but it was something awful and ignorant) and i asked if she kept up with reading new research in her field aside from mandatory classes and she said no...so...

Idk i dont understand why you'd have a job in a changing field like child development and not...research...things...sounds like negligence to me.

 

Jeeeesus

So one of the friends i raid with has always had...fragile mental health, to put it lightly. They just flipped an absolute SHIT about the new genderlocked race thing, which, understandable bc most of us are disappointed/upset, but they basically...went on a rant about how the game is horrible and bigoted and anything positive they got out of it up til now was a "delusion" and they cant justify spending money on it anymore so they're just going to try to help us clear the fight we're on and then quit.

This is definitely their brain bugs talking because while there is shitty stuff about the game they're doing the OCD purity thing and...augh...they need...therapy...but still dont have health insurance bc they live in a shitty conservative state and don't have a job...

I get that money is a concern and honestly if theyre not happy playing then yeah, they should quit. But this seems like a Brain Bugs decision of "devs made a sexist mistake and therefore THE GAME IS NO LONGER PUREEE" like

They play a bunch of shitty mobile gatcha games with idol girls

And final fantasy is somehow worse because...(train noises)

I don't even know how to approach the subject w them like. Holy shit...

I dont want to guilt them into still playing if they dont want to but two of our members literally spent money to make new characters because they wouldn't be able to raid with us after the server move otherwise and now this person is saying theyre going to quit all of a sudden. After these two people put time and effort and cash into leveling alts just so they could keep playing with us. I....just...sigh.

I don't know where we would find a replacement bc we've been through such a revolving door of members that it feels...exhausting to think about. I guess thats the price we pay for being casual and neurodivergence-friendly?

 

Fuck it i left them some words...i hope i worded them well. I should sleep bc patch day and people want to be up in 4 hrs to do stuff but im. Brain wont shut up. >.<

 

I think my general background anxiety level has definitely gone up I've just gotten better at dealing w it. Would like to go back to Not Giving a Fuck thanks

 

Ankle managed to get...worse....bleh

Tho now im wondering if the pain on the front of the ankle that felt like a tight muscle wasnt the sprain itself? Bc that lasted like a week before i noticed swelling. Followed instructions (wrap/ice/take ibuprofen, elevate when possible) tho it was hard to find time to elevate it at work. Then this morning i got woken up 2 hrs early by pain, which was actually in the spot where the swelling was and not where i was having it before.

Got up, took painkillers, re-wrapped foot, it felt better once i was upright which was weird. Lay back down again to try to get extra sleep and got woken up again when the pain came back. Elevating it somehow made it feel worse? But even laying w it flat on the bed didnt help for long. Again when i got up it started to feel better. Its now a tiny bit sore but barely noticeable. Im wondering if it has something to do w the wrap not being supportive enough so when i relax my muscles to sleep they don't support the joint enough. :/ like the pain when lying down was bad enough that i wanted to go back to the doctor, but when I'm upright its practically fine (tho i have to be careful when walking obvs)

Going to hit up CVS before work and look at ankle braces bc i think that might be better for support...

Sort of frustrated bc i honestly have no clue how i sprained it still. I can recall stumbling over a week ago but it seems weird that it would take so long to show signs. The only other thing i can think of is that i strained it trying to stretch the tight/painful muscle i had? Bodies...are dumb.

 

Brace seems to be doing better than the ace bandage. Discovered that the pain only happens bc of compression while lying down so i guess i have to take it off to sleep...meh. just hoping i wont aggravate it by accident. Wonder if maybe i can wrap it loosely but at that pt there's not much point.

 

Creepy dream woke me up early

Almost at work and still super sleepy...i hope my meds kick in soon

 

...forgot to take my meds this morning and that's why I was so tired. WHOOPS.

Thankfully I muddled through and managed to get some work done, but I could feel my brain melting out my ears from sheer boredom doing tasks that are usually just fine. Whew.

I think what happened is i took ibuprofen for my ankle with breakfast and my brain filed that away as "taking my meds" and I forgot the rest...

 

Things i *need* to do by friday: sort out dental insurance and schedule my fillings >.<
Laundry

Things that need to be done soon:
Figure out why hsa card doesn't work
Renew driver's license


My phone is being weird and refusing to charge on certain chargers and i dont know if its the phone itself or if i have multiple worn out cords...ahhhhh

 

Really worried about a friend of mine. He's been having absence seizures due to a concussion last year and apparently collapsed at work the other day. Ofc he lives on the other side of the country so there's not much i can do but talk to him. He's just the sort of person that downplays his problems and doesn't know when to ask for help, so i just hope the people around him are making an effort to reach out...

 

Been moody, dunno if its because sleep schedule is out of whack or what

Got to see my sister this weekend which was nice but had to Deal with my mom as a side effect and...meh.


Had a really fucking awkward convo about gender...we were in the car and she suddenly goes "Do you still identify as a woman?"

I was immediately trying to figure out where the hell that came from, apparently she "noticed" i was flattening my chest. (don't remember her exact words but didnt correct her because i do minimize it but not by binding, i wear sports bras and looser clothing.) It only took her uh....over fifteen years? I guess?? I've been trying to minimize my chest since it first appeared. I can't help thinking the only reason she "noticed" now is that my chest isn't as big just because i lost weight from the meds. But i haven't been wearing actual bras in over a year. I don't even know.

I eventually explained to her that I'm agender, and she at least...grasped the concept, because apparently someone she works with is out. Nvm that i definitely tried to explain it to her in the past and she seems to have completely forgotten...

I guess i should be happy that she took it fine, in fact i feel guilty being resentful because so many people aren't accepted by their parents. But the truth is whatever her intentions she managed to make it into a fucking social status thing again. Basically all she did was ask how i identified and how she should introduce me/talk about me to other people. Which would be fine...great, even, if she were anyone else. But when i said she could keep referring to me as her daughter if only because I'm aware that not everyone understands the concept of being agender, and sometimes getting into that discussion w strangers is less than ideal, she was literally like "oh good, i wouldn't want to have to explain it."

Like...maybe just poor wording on her part, but thanks for making it all about how difficult it would be for you, mom. If i insisted that you had to introduce me as non-female, would you actually do it? :/

That was basically it...she didn't ask about my feelings or experiences or anything. When i tried to say that I'd been thinking about how to bring the subject up to her and dad for a while, her response was basically "you should have just told me earlier! I'm your mother! You can tell me anything!"

Again, she remains completely oblivious to why i don't trust her with emotional shit or feel like i can open up to her.


(Someone in a discord I'm in started a discussion about how Moms assume Malice the minute someone does something they don't like and god. She sure is like that. It sucked but it also felt kind of relieving to see how many other people chimed in with "yeah my mom does that" and people affirming that its fucked up. Not related to the gender discussion but i noticed her doing that shit about little random things while i was spending time w her.)


Was also talking to my sis about her diagnosis (Bipolar 2, apparently) and how she'd need special ADHD meds apparently. I brought up a thing i learned abt intrusive thoughs being an ADHD thing because brains seeking stimulation etc, and she was like "wait i thought that happened to everyone"

Anyway somewhere in that convo i referred to myself as mentally ill and my mom reacted with incredulity, all "why would you call yourself that" and sister and i were both like "??? Where the hell have you been?? We are both mentally ill. We have diagnoses. This is not new. You've known this." P sure she has a problem with us saying """negative""" things about ourselves like facts because
...its bad somehow?? We should be in denial instead of being realistic and seeking help? Idk. (See: she got mad at me for referring to myself as disabled in the past)

She also tried to correct me for saying "autistic people" and told me to use person-first language, and when i told her autistic people generally don't like person-first language, she stared at me incredulously again, as if i havent been dating an autistic person for the PAST TEN YEARS. It's almost like...they're real people...that make decisions for themselves...that you can speak to and ask their opinions on things???

(This was in the context of talking about one of her students, and explaining that they use ABA, so i asked what exactly they do and explained why the origins of ABA are bad, but these days a bunch of other things just get called ABA for insurance reasons etcetc. She got super fucking defensive and didn't seem to follow what i was saying and just fixated on the idea that i had called her abusive somehow and insisted she wasn't. Which. Wow we don't have time to unpack all that. If you're using positive reinforcement that's great actually, calm down.

I was also like "if your student is doing [disruptive behavior that is probably a stim] and you haven't been able to get him to stop maybe try figuring out *why* he's doing it instead of just trying to bribe him to stop with candy?" And she looked at me like i had 3 heads )

So that was a thing :/

 

Me: hey this seems like a nice blog, funny and relatable shitposts abt my fandom, they agree w my interpretation of this character and--

Me: aaa....and they reblogged anti posts in agreement. :/


Its always overly edgy shit about how they're going to stab pedos with knives or whatever and its so. Performative. Like you just want to talk about how tough you are on people you think are acceptable targets, not acknowledge that actually reducing CSA in the real world requires hard work and systemic change and threatening to kill people over problematic fanfic ain't it

I dislike seeing young characters shipped with adults and im gonna complain about it to my friends when i see it pop up on my dash but i acknowledge that i don't know whats necessarily going on in the head of people who do and maybe its none of my fuckin business, i don't post about fantasizing about stabbing random people on the internet bc i think theyve committed a crime against a fictional character

jesus christ

Like i remember being a teenager and seeing some young teenager/adult ships and thinking they were fine...but in hindsight it was because of the art styles making the characters look more similar in age than they actually were. Also ive noticed that a lot of younger people ship age gap relationships bc they're crushing on the older character, which is way safer than trying to get the attention of an older person irl, so like???

Maybe educate people about why power dynamics can become abusive and don't assume everyone is too stupid to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. The people who can't make that distinction have something else going on and the fantasy didn't make them that way, they need a trained mental health professional to sort it out.

Anyway its 6:30 am and i havent slept bc my ankle hurts and my fucking brain wont turn off

 

See: title of this thread

I was feeling crappy bc of lack of sleep from the other day (i got...3 hrs) so I asked manager if I could stay home today and come in Sunday instead. Made a List of Things that Must Be Done. Cleaned out old food from fridge and took out trash. Made second-to-last payment to landlord. Did more budget math. Finally removed broken monitor from desk (poor dinosaur, it weighs like 30 lbs jesus) and now just have to figure out how to recycle it. Woke up too late to call dentist again but going to try tomorrow morning. Going to clean up/organize sewing desk again and see about making a plan for making stuff to sell.

 

Hopefully not jinxing myself, but ankle seems to be improving since I got better at doing the stretches the doctor gave me more consistently...its almost like...medical advice...works sometimes...