Z’s Self Improvement Tracking Thread

I have reached a point in my life where I have to begin to quickly, dramatically change for the better. I am 26. I have been struggling with depression, jealousy, suicidal ideation, self loathing, and slowly decreasing physical health since I was thirteen. That’s half my life so far. I need to either change, or failing that, exile myself from society completely. So I am going to try to change.

I don’t have the time or money to see a therapist. What I can do instead is research these issues online, implement ways to improve my various issues, and document my progress here. Starting effective immediately. Here we go.

 

Today’s activity- make a list of Good Things About Myself, and Personal Achievements.

This was... challenging. I didn’t reach ten items on the first list before my brain started bombarding me with how inadequate I am, and how If all people are inherently equal, why am I such a sack of garbage? So I quit at that point and moved on to the second list.

The second list was also a struggle. Maybe I should put “made personal achievements list” on the list. ha ha. I actually did make it to ten, but even with that, some of the accomplishments are very mundane things like “did my own taxes” or “learned to drive.” I hope in the future I either do a lot more things,

 

Okay if I can’t even make a forum post without fucking up this is going to be even harder than I already thought.

 

Didn’t really do anything today, just went to work and to the fair with my brother and his gf.

 

Today I didn’t kill myself.

 

Had yesterday off. Mostly focused on relaxing instead of anything else. Got my hair cut, shaved, vacuumed my car.

 

Today's activity- read part of a self-help mini-guide. Wasn't very good, just a 22 page PDF with no sources or citations on "is there evidence that this actually works"? Gonna try to read more articles.

 

Today's activity- read some of those articles.

 

Today’s activity- spiral downward.

 

Today’s activity- watched few videos on how to “fake it til you make it.”

 

Today’s activity- start bullet journaling again. Already have it set up and ready to go.

 

Today’s activity- read five articles about improving self confidence.

 

Today's activity- after a long day at work, I watched a movie and exercised for 20 minutes. Taking it easy.

 

I left my bullet journal at work.

 

Anyway. Also helped with some projects this weekend. My dad, my brother and I replaced the deck, replaced the stairs connected to it, and took a truckload of stuff to the dump. So there’s that.

 

Wow I really kinda forgot to update this.

This week sucked. I hated it. I nearly had a mental breakdown at work yesterday. Today I had my first day off in six days, and I just feel apathetic, the only thing I really enjoyed was dinner out with my dad and my sister. I also got some boots at a thrift store, that was nice I guess.

I’ve read several more articles about self confidence but putting it into practice hasn’t worked so far. I’m not sure what to do next.

 

I’m a fucking failure.

 

Honestly go fuck yourself.