Adulting is Hard etc

Need to remember to refill meds this week. May have to wait til monday.

Still need to make eye doc appt. I guess when I go into to pick up meds.

 

I was today years old when I found out that my mom is, in fact, even more creepily controlling than I thought

She talked me into staying over 2 nights because she needs help w my elderly great-aunt. very tempted to go home asap after dinner tomorrow

(I am not currently in danger from her but mood wise I'm really fucking pissed & kind of unsettled)

(Apparently...so way back when I flunked out of college & was horribly depressed, I spent a summer @ Aki's parents' place because my relationship w my parents was so painful and invalidating I literally just had to leave. Aki told me that my mom came by & tried to see me once but their mom turned her away.

Well it turns out she in fact came by multiple times & verbally harrassed Aki's parents and told them they were ruining my life. (LOL....I mean Aki's mom also has Issues but my mom is really one to fucking talk)

I eventually had to go back home to my parents bc I was too depressed to look for a job & had no money. I was a mess and probably a pain in the ass to deal w but I was extremely grateful to just. Be away from all that shit for a while. So it's honestly laughable that my mom thinks it "ruined" my life.

I've been avoiding her as much as possible & being here has reminded me how much she just. Nitpicks at EVERYTHING people do esp my dad. Who apparently really doesn't give a fuck abt her constantly criticizing him? Good for him, I guess.

I'm Dealing w it but realizing that while I am better at putting up a wall, this was probably a bad idea bc I'm more emotionally vulnerable than usual bc of stress

wheeee

 

Me: wait why are the 5mg meds more expensive than the 30mg

Pharmacist: ...well it looks like you've been paying for the 30mg out of pocket and the 5mg thru your insurance. The 5mg out of pocket will cost half as much.

Me: *internal screaming*




....I appreciate my pharmacy but why did it take NEARLY A YEAR FOR SOMEONE TO NOTICE THIS

Also WHY IS THE AMERICAN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM SO FUCKING BROKEN

 

Forgot...to make the eye doc appointment. Hmng. Tbf its not...super urgent, I'm not entirely sure if my prescription changed or I'm just getting older or what...but I might need reading glasses as well soon bc my work involved small details...I used to be able to read a book normally w.o glasses and now it needs to be 1 ft from my face.

Just trying to get thru Dec now. Money situation is...a mess but not unsalvageable. Get paid this week just holding out til then. Trying to get up a little earlier to get an extra work hour or two w varied success.

Keep trying to call my bank to see if I can change the due date on my credit card to make the beginning of the month smoother, but because of the snow storms they've been opening late so I'm unable to reach anyone before work. :/ (looked st the website & there's no info I can find.
Called on my break yesterday and got a busy signal??) (Right now it rolls over on the 5th of the month but its awkward bc I need to make sure there's enough in my bank acct for rent check to go thru. So if my credit card rolled over on the 15th or the 20th I could use it for expenses at the beginning of the month until rent goes thru and I get paid again)

Hoping January...will be easier...since I changed my HSA deposit I can start pulling more money out of it & getting thru my medical bill backlog. Plus saving in taxes. No clue what my tax returns will look like. (Idk when you start having to pay instead if getting a refund...)

Aki has another medical test on Friday, hoping it will give some goddamn answers, all the blood tests and shit until now have come back w nothing. But at least their endocrinologist seems proactive.

Notes to self:

Spoiler

-remember to stretch legs more often!!

-fix shirt for work
-Laundry on thurs ur fri.
-keep trying to call bank
-check mail for new card

To do after paycheck deposits:

-sit down and write out budgeting
-see if possible to go to the movies one day bc we deserve some fun. Try for a matinee.
-order sewing machine part for Aki's machine
-if able order friend's book

-need abt $500 for the rest of the ikea furniture needed to finish organizing


-iron costumes for selling & take photos
-donate/get rid of stuff in hallway somehow

Current sewing project backlog:

-finish cloaks from Halloween. Aki's: bottom hem, scarf. Mine: neck lining, sleeve hems, bottom hem, scarf.
-Aki's shirt button
-my pyjama pants
-finish taking in capri pants
-skirt pockets
-repair Aki's t-shirt
-finish yoga mat bags. May need more materials, make list. (Just drawstrings)
-wash rug pieces and redo?

 

Mfw when I get on the train to work and realize I don't remember taking my meds that morning

&now I have to decide whether or not I have the time to go back home to take them and still be on time to work

But ofc if I dont take them I'll be useless all day anyway

Edit: got lucky bc I originally left early to do an errand so I had enough time but need to postpone errand til tomorrow...

 

Getting by.

Investing in better socks for xmas I guess. I managed to get chilblains on my toes, apparently, which I did not know were a thing until now.

Need to make a new to do list, feeling overwhelmed again. For now:

-Groceries on the way home from work
-remember to bring home some dark red thread
-laundry again


-need to figure out a good setup for ironing at home.

 

Aaaaaaaaaa

Xmas was. Eh. We endured. Need to figure out money stuff now. Thankfully got some gift cards.

I wanted to go to uniqlo and get some of their heattech stuff to wear under my work clothes because I get cold easily but it turns out I have too much of an ass to fit in some of their stuff :| despite the packaging saying XL is for up to 43" hips...which is my exact measurement lol. I got 2 pairs of thermal tights & a pair of leggings and only 1 of the tights fit me. The other pair wont go past my thighs and the leggings...are uncomfortably tight and don't sit properly up top. I'm really disappointed bc they would be super comfortable (very soft) if they fit!!! Also I dont think I can return them since I opened all the packaging. I didn't think there would be a problem since I have a pair of pyjama pants from them and those are a Large??? But XL leggings too small for some reason???? Is Yoko Taro the only Japanese person who believes in Ass?

The shirts and socks I got are nice at least. Just very frustrated abt the leggings.

Spoiler: some dumb fandom griping

Saw an "unpopular ffxiv opinions thread" on twitter and regret clicking

Stuff like "Haurchefant is overrated" I can deal w because honestly I feel like if people don't like him they're missing out. Also I do feel like the game puts too much emphasis on his death over the other characters who have died at this point even tho I like him.

but a lot of the takes were just...dumb

"The Exarch is creepy" and "Emet-Selch just loved u so much and wanted you back!!! He did nothing wrong!!!!" crews deserve each other tbh

Literally just rewatched the ending of shb on my alt & the Exarch immediately tries to apologize to you as soon as he possibly can. He EXPECTS you to be upset with him.

Like he definitely has flaws but that's what makes him interesting. Do I think he's kinda dumb for not telling us the truth from the beginning? Yeah. But he also had the fate of a LOT of people resting on his shoulders and had to make some very hard decisions. He's not some uwu crybaby soft boy but he's not like...some ~master manipulator~ either, he's just a playful little shit that never really grew out of it despite being over a hundred years old.

Do I think his idolization of the WoD is a bit unhealthy? Yeah. But he says HIMSELF in the narration at the end that they inspired him to do and try things that seemed impossible. He really believed he was going to die no matter what so he tried for what he thought was the best case scenario. (Take the burden that would kill you for himself because hey, gonna vanish anyway if the future gets changed) I think he's dumb for thinking the WoD would never figure out who he was or grieve for him, but tbf it makes sense to me why someone in that situation would convince themselves of that. He almost had to, to be able to bear it for all those years.

Idk I'm rambling but after seeing a bunch of dumb stuff about Emet that completely ignored things he literally straight up tells you, I'm so tired. (he wanted to "work together" if "work together" meant "WoD and co join me and genocide everyone else") His actions speak even louder: every time he says "oh I just want you to prove to me that MAYBE humanity is worth saving" and then you pass his test & he just moves the fucking goalposts again. That's literally the entire last dungeon.

 

>goes to bed early to try to get some extra sleep bc I'm sick

>can't sleep bc I'm sick and every time I doze off I cough myself awake

:|

 

At least lying down for the duration of the night seemed to help bc I only really slept properly for 4 hrs but I don't feel like complete shit so

Went to refill adhd meds and...the only conclusion I can come to is that the pharmacy counted my last prescription wrong. I have 1 left for tomorrow but I'm not allowed to fill it till Friday??? P sure I did not take a double dose at any point because I would notice?? Also my anxiety meds went up $10 :/

Going to check my pill bottles when I get home bc wtf...I guess I'm just going to be useless for 2 days :/

 

Update: did the math and the pills were not miscounted, the pharmacist just had no clue what she was talking about?? Thinking about it I was a little out of it because I'm sick so I didn't catch this at the time but she said something abt insurance approving it and I don't put that med through insurance because its insanely expensive.

Now deciding whether or not I want to go back in tomorrow to sort it out or just stick it out til Friday. Going to see how I feel and maybe call first. (Pharmacist was new or at least someone I hadn't seen before so maybe she made a mistake??? Idk.)

 

So I was sick for a week and I still have a residual cough/congestion, blehhh.

I took like 3 days off work and while that was fine bc I have PTO, I now have a big ol pile of stuff to do and its stressing me out a bit....I mean I organized it and am making steady progress its just. Whew.

Also apartment is still a mess bc we don't have tons of time to clean/organize so it's been getting done in small increments, which is fine, just... frustrating, bc it feels like we've been in limbo for ages and we have to start looking for a new place soon. Going to really try to get on the search early and not have a repeat of last year.

Money has been....precarious. just scraping by month by month. Hoping tax returns will help... its extremely frustrating that I haven't been able to make any savings despite working here for a year bc of all my expenses.

I just put months of plastic film/bags in the trash bc I couldn't deal anymore. I was collecting it together to recycle it but you have to take it to a specific store to recycle it and I just...I cannot. I need to get rid of stuff, I have a whole box of broken electronics that also needs to go and it's been sitting in our hallway forever.

I think being in an unorganized environment is just stressing me out more because I'm worried abt work. I'm doing my best but everything is so time consuming (so many broken jacket zippers to replace and each one can take me almost an entire shift to replace bc I have to rip the old one out. 3-4 layers of stitching each side. And THEN put the new one in and make sure both sides are aligned...) it's just putting me back in the headspace I was in school, just an impending doom feeling of "oh god I'm behind and I'm never going to catch up"

I should sleep. Have not been getting good enough sleep lately.

 

Love my weird mental blocks...I'm finally almost done w the costumes I made back at Halloween, I was determined to finish them bc I moved on to another project bc I was worried I'd never go back to them...but arguably the other stuff I need to do is way less intensive so I'm like...why...did I shoot myself in the foot. Sigh.

At least the rest is just hand sewing the bottom hem up so I can change the thread on my machine and leave that for a time I need to sit still for a long period. (Like watching a show)

Ultimately sometimes when I have a big list of tasks I get fixated on one or two that I MUST finish first for whatever reason even if it isn't practical, and I've been having a hard time getting around that...

I guess that's probably another aspect of exec dys but...whew.

 

I finished...the cloak hem, so now I can focus on other stuff...little by little.

Slowly catching up at work.

 

Did taxes and getting almost the equivalent of a month of pay back from them. That will be a huge relief. Tho I'm not sure how long it will take to process but. I'm determined not to blow it now that I don't have a huge amt of expenses. Esp because I really need to save up to move this fall.

It feels like I've been making promises to myself about money forever but somehow keep screwing up. I just hope this year really will be better.

 

Kinda fucked up my hand at work, made the mistake of trying to brute force a needle thru thick leather and now I'm extremely sore...I wrapped it overnight but I really need to invest in some nice compression gloves. I've been using ones I got from cvs but they're kind of cheaply made and are wearing out already plus they don't cover my fingers at all. That's on the list for tax returns...

(It wasnt just the one thing, I've had a bunch of repairs to do that require ripping out seams so it's a repetitive motion injury x.x)

Ofc this happens when I really want to draw but I'm gonna have to figure out how to rest properly ...might need to switch my days off this week

 

Probably a good time to make progress reading Aki's EDS textbook, I asked to borrow it bc I figured if doctors are useless I should probably be as informed as I can be abt my partner's condition...I might take notes

 

Spoiler: negative

I like drawing for myself and all but sometimes I'll offer requests & get basically no interest and it makes me...idk...

Like who's gonna want commissions if they don't even want my art for free

I know this is petty and it's probably a...reach thing? Like I don't have that many followers and I don't really understand how twitter tags work but...idk. feelsbadman. It's discouraging.

Spoiler

Like I know this is probably my brain overreacting and the reason could be 5 million different ones (time of day of post. Timezones. People too nervous to reply.) But I just cant shake the feeling

 

I think there was a tumblr post that was like

"If you hate everyone, you probably need to eat. If you're convinced everyone hates you, you probably need a nap."


...I'm very sleep deprived rn because I got up at 8 for a dentist appt and brain wouldn't let me sleep til almost 3am so that's a good possibility

 

Spoiler

also I get waves of drawing a bunch of self-indulgent stuff and then flipping to feel super self conscious about the whole thing and ugh. Do not like. I try to think abt the artists i follow who draw a lot of the same thing (a pairing, a character, etc) and how I'm perfectly fine w someone else doing it but the minute I do it it's like. Hmmm. No. You're being weird and nobody likes it.

 

ah, it turns out the culprit was uterus

crafty little bastard


(idk I'm getting some spotting so I'm assuming)