Adulting is Hard etc

Good: (federal) tax return came in so money stress got yeeted out the window, thank god.

Bad: despite my best efforts I only got to sleep before 3am once in the past week or two

Today is no exception

BLAH

 

Brain: hey, so

Me: what's up

Brain: you remember months ago

Me: oh boy, here we go.

Brain: when your friend compared Character A and Character B and said they were similar and you got defensive because you like B and not A

Me: where are you going with this

Brain: she definitely still hates you for that

Me: ....there is literally no evidence of that. We've been talking consistently since then. That discussion didn't even involve raised voices.

Brain: no she definitely still hates you and every time she rts something about that character that's her PAly making a jab at you

Me: I don't....think that's true? I think you made that up

Brain: nooo it's true

Me: ok well, I do feel kinda bad about the snap judgment I made and me not liking a character doesn't give me an excuse to be rude to a friend about it so maybe I should apologize?

Brain: NO

Me: why??

Brain: it was ages ago I bet she's forgotten all about it

Me: you just said she hates me for it

Brain: she hates you and she's forgotten all about it and if you bring it up she'll remember and DEFINITELY hate you

Me: ....why are you like this

 

[Edit: now that I am awake and somewhat alert I want to clarify that I know a lot of this post is Bad Brain and I do not ascribe to transmedicalism, I think it's bullshit but unfortunately born of desperate survival tactics in our shitty-ass world]


dysphoria is weird

I keep telling myself mine is...mild compared to a lot of other people's but I also feel like I shouldn't downplay it? Idk. Like I don't doubt myself or anything, it's just that the world is hostile enough that I would rather just be out to my friends because there's no "passing" option for me to the general public so I'm just going to be seen as a woman and that's. Whatever. Like it sucks but it doesn't really come up unless people are talking abt me within earshot which isn't that often. I keep thinking abt maybe coming out at work and it just...doesn't seem super worth the stress it would cause me. They already call me by my preferred name (nickname) with no fuss and I can pick whatever clothes I want for my uniform, so I have a mix of mens/womens styles.

(Apparently the place two stores over requires their employees to wear stuff only "for their gender" & you can't use your employee discount on "opposite gender" clothes which is a fucking nightmare. And dysphoria aside, women's clothes don't always fit me properly because I'm tall. I p much just figured out after 30 years that the reason I hate wearing tights is bc my legs are too long for standard sizes and that's why they'd never stay up)

Anyway I'm...rambling...there are at least 2 other LGBT employees that i know of so I think people would be chill but it's still pretty anxiety-inducing before you even get into like. The whole thing with "should your coworkers use your pronouns even tho it might confuse customers, do you correct customers when they misgender you, etc" when most people have no fucking clue how to parse singular they in this context

sigh

Just interacting w the public is hard enough and I don't need more scrutiny. I do want to get top surgery still but it's up in the air bc I doubt...my insurance will cover it since it covers shit all, lol. So I need to save up. Aki's apparently cost like $3k which is doable but that was years ago so I'm not sure. Also need to figure out who I could ask to stay with me for the first week of recovery bc Aki's health has gone downhill and looking after them after their surgery was too big a job for me, a single able-bodied person. My parents are out considering the way mom...is....and my other local friends are kinda flaky (I love them but arguably both of them have even worse ADHD than me) so idk. Maybe I could bribe my sister somehow but I'd need to talk to her and I don't even have a vague date yet. I guess just bringing up the subject couldn't hurt, to see if its something she'd be ok doing in general.

I anticipate being read as male more after that, at least until I open my mouth, but. I'm used to that song and dance since I've had short hair for 15 years. Other people get more flustered than i do. (I don't usually correct people, just respond to their question or w.e but then they stumble over themselves to be like "I'm sorry MA'AM/MISS" the minute I talk. If only people were that dedicated to correcting misgendering of trans people the right way)

...it feels weird saying this, and I'm in no way saying I know what being transfem&amab is like, but I'm fairly sure that because of my height & androgyny I get mistaken *for* a trans woman sometimes, based on people's reactions. (It has gotten worse since the whole bathroom nonsense ramped up. Thankfully I've never gotten harrassed but the number of double-takes I get in public restrooms has increased noticeably.)

I'm aware that this is probably due to general ignorance & am not complaining so much as stating a weird fact. But it does have this odd side effect of me identifying with transfeminine characters in fiction a lot? Despite not identifying as a woman, I still feel that social pressure of not performing femininity to social standards for reasons I can't actually change (the shape of my body). While I'm generally more comfortable in masc clothing, sometimes dressing more femininely feels rebellious (though usually it's the long flowy skirts/peasant blouses and lace style)

Actually one of my fav ways to dress sorta nice is wearing a shirt with lace under an open masculine/structured button-up. It makes me feel powerful.

Spoiler: vaguely related dumb fandom stuff

In FFXIV I have several trans/nb characters but I noticed that...the majority of other trans people outside of Aki & one other seem to make their character models match their gender and not their AGAB. I get it, especially bc I know a lot of ppl use their characters as projection/self insert & I'm no exception, and why would you want the game to constantly misgender you in the name of "realism" bc that sucks. But I've been worried I might get shit for not doing that, idk. I'm just doing what feels right to me & the characters. I won't lie and say it doesn't suck sometimes? I skip a lot of dialogue but it's fine bc I've played the MSQ so many times already.

All of mine are NB or transmasc and using female models, bc that makes the most sense to me. (One NB Highlander from Gyr Abania who doesnt have much physical dysphoria, one NB/masc leaning Garlean who is taking illicit hormones provided in secret by a friend, one NB creature of Darkness who can change their form more or less at will, and one trans man from Thanalan who ran away from home to join the Immortal Flames.)

But I have the basic concept for a trans lady character & I've been hesitating on it bc I don't want to be insensitive/offensive to transfem people by accident.

(essentially, she's an Au Ra and they have very extreme sexual dimorphism in terms of height, so she would be very tall...it doesn't seem right to make her tiny when she wouldn't be, but I also understand why it would make people uncomfortable.)

It's stalled me on developing her and then I get anxious about having only afab characters & people saying I'm transmisogynistic because of it (I know this is irrational just...oof)

 

Also I sprained my finger & I have to have a cavity filled tomorrow (is that why yet again I can't go the fuck to sleep? Aaaaaaaaaaaaa)

 

I only have two modes: hyperfixate for paragraphs upon paragraphs, or shitpost

 

Once again: how 2 get myself to go the FUCK to sleep


Blah have been trying to get our hands on some CBD in some form for Aki to try and bought some v expensive cream only to find out that it was deceptively marketed and has hemp oil, not CBD...thankfully Aki looked up reviews bf opening it so I'm going to try to return it bc. Oof. $50 for a little tube of nothing.

(Apparently hemp oil has some benefits but mostly for skin issues & they want the CBD for chronic pain soooooo. Wrong thing.)

Kind of curious to try the real thing & see if it would help me w sleep tho. I have no interest/curiosity in getting high so cbd seems like the better choice

 

made... phone calls...(strangled noises)

Also made eye doc appt tho they don't take my new insurance...of course...so I'm going to figure out if Costco is cheaper than their out of pocket price ($250...the same as my psychiatrist...sighs deeply)

Still need to figure out if Aki can get discounted/subsidized insurance w a disability and how...also I should probably make an appointment w my PCP bc its definitely been a year since I saw him? I think? I can't remember if he did a follow up for my sprained ankle last year...

Compression gloves have been helping but my finger joints have just been...painful and I want to know if I'm making it worse with work and what I should do...trying to do stretches but they're meant for carpal tunnel so they don't help my fingers. Also the gloves are supposed to cover everything but the tips of your fingers but for me they don't cover the last joint at all (I have very long narrow hands I guess) I wanted to get a second pair to leave at work so considering getting a larger size and just sewing it smaller? Idk how hard it would be

Also would like to know abt my poor circulation because my hands and feet are just. Always cold. Got chilblains on my toes again from taking a hot shower after being seated for a while :| at least that's my theory bc I havent been using the heating pad & I remember trying to get the water to warm up my feet...ugh.

Like...is this normal for 30 I honestly dont know.

 

Also turns out I can't take CBD because it would probably interact w my anxiety meds. Ah well.

 

ended up going to bed at 1am out of sheer frustration last night so...I'll take it...I guess....


The cause fuckin sucks tho. My computer had been having a freezing/crashing problem since I upgraded to win10 and and then suddenly Aki's died, and we were swapping parts to try to troubleshoot, and now my harddrive seems to be corrupted. We have a suspicion it's the shitty electrical wiring in this apartment -_- luckily neither of us have lost anything important thank to backups but. We're going to have to drop some money on new parts and whatever those power supplies for keeping the power stable are...&I've been trying to save up to move in the fall...

 

hmmmmmm (stressed vibrating)

So there was a mix-up at work about my days off (I requested PTO weeks ago for this weekend & noticed v late it hadn't been approved, turns out asst. manager didn't know/didnt specify that I had to ask for days off verbally/in person as WELL as submit PTO request online...at my old job you just asked for days off thru the online system so when told that's how to request PTO that seemed like what it was?

Anyway I texted my manager manager abt it because I checked my schedule and noticed that I was still on for this weekend (have an important obligation) and she basically said "no you need to talk to me on top of putting it in online, you can be approved for this weekend but we'll discuss more at your review on monday"

Now my nerves are completely shot for the rest of the weekend :') because I've been struggling w being late and I don't check my schedule every single week bc its supposed to be exactly the same...and I could swear last time I looked at it I was scheduled for 12:30. I've been coming in at more like 12:45 despite best efforts but then one day I got a text from asst manager saying I should be in at 12? So I looked and it says 12 now...and I just...

I don't know...my sleep schedule is godawful and I keep TRYING to fix it but i know this is something inherent to my disability and i have no strategies for it. Every time I think I'm on top of it, I manage for like a month at best before falling back on old habits. I've tried everything I can think of: stuff to force myself to fall asleep, forcing myself to get up early no matter what time I went to bed (I never learn my lesson and go to bed at the right time I just crash eventually), multiple alarms...

I don't know what to do because ive already gotten in trouble for this multiple times and it isn't because I don't think its important!!!!

Like at this point I'm just like "I don't need a raise for this review I know I fucked up just please don't fire me"

 

This week is just a lot and. Monday I need to get up extra early to refill meds. Tuesday need to get up extra early to go vote. Need to stop being late for work. Every time I tell myself that it never happens.

 

Ugh on top of everything I'm just...the conditions necessary for me to have a decent night's sleep are so specific...

Staying at Aki's parents place for a week (long story, their mom is on a trip & their dad is v old and can't be left alone so we're just making sure he's ok) & they don't have a bed big enough for both of us so I brought our folding guest mattress for myself and. It's p comfortable, better than an air mattress but I'm still waking up aching all over--my lower back hates it especially. Plus I'm congested for some reason & Aki says I still have trouble breathing/snore even if wearing nose strips at night so I'm probably going to have to see a sleep doc or ent again. Like I have a feeling that the sleep tests requiring you to have that thing in your nose skewed the results of what happens when I sleep...they took a phone vid for me as an example at least so maybe it'll help idk.

I'm considering trying nasal spray again bc maybe I have a mild allergy of some kind? I mean even uncongested, if I try to breathe through my nose it makes a fun little whistling noise so there's definitely a structural issue there.

I'm definitely feeling the poor quality of sleep more than missing an hour which. Sucks. Not sure what to do. I can try sleeping in another room but all the mattresses here suck anyway. I hate being all...princess and the pea but very specific bed setup is the only way I ever feel remotely rested.

Ex. I've been awake since 6am, went to sleep at 2 or 2:30, have been trying to get a couple more hours in but cannot get comfortable x.x

 

That was just the petty whining, I just found out a good friend of mine has to get brain surgery. Apparently docs found a benign tumor but it's been causing him migraines/eye pain/seizures from pressure so it has to go.

It's a little scary but I'm more concerned abt his mental/emotional state bc he lives across the country from me & I can't afford to go visit, and his local support network fucking sucks.

(He's v quiet and reserved and his local friends/coworkers/family tend to trample all over his boundaries. He's always going out of his way to do stuff for them but I hardly hear abt the favor being returned. He had a bad fall/concussion several years ago and had to drive *himself* to the hospital...also this may be related, apparently head trauma can either cause tumors to form or aggravate an existing one that wasn't causing trouble originally)

...anyway I'm worried less abt the surgery outcome, because that is what it will be, and more abt the quality of support he'll have on hand during recovery...another friend of ours was talking abt rly wanting to go visit him and help but realistically can't afford it and I pointed out that flying w the whole coronavirus thing going on right now is...risky, in the sense that the last thing he needs before major brain surgery is to get sick. Like the likelihood rn is low but who knows. But it just sucks bc the people most concerned for him rn can't afford to go see him.

(There are one or two ppl locally I'm hoping will come thru for him, but that depends on whether he'll actually tell them or what...I hope so.)

 

Work update: I'm not getting fired, it was my RSD acting up :x (manager wanted to talk to me abt a potential new hire! She's getting someone part time to help me w workload!)

(Still want to work on time stuff. We got this new type of melatonin in gummy form that seems to get absorbed faster than the pills I used to use so that helps w "going the fuck to sleep" at least.)

Friend medical news...he got a different specialist's opinion and apparently that doc says it isn't a tumor after all??? Idk more than that. Just trying to be there for him as much as we can.

 

staying informed re: coronavirus vs not letting my anxiety go through the roof is. Difficult.

 

Long time no screm

Officially work is going to compensate me for the two weeks the store is closed but...they told us til the 28th but now the governor is saying April 7th? Havent heard anything from manager, need to text her...and my landlord bc this is the day my check should have gone thru but it did not so...I don't know when the compensation will happen. (Going to check bank again tomorrow to be sure...)

Been trying to keep my sleep schedule reasonable and not succeeding at all. (See: me typing this at 6am) making myself do other stuff that isn't video games before 7pm but still.

Been trying to make cloth masks to keep busy but progress is slow. I did finish a bunch of sewing projects I had queued up, mostly clothing repair. Though of course I discovered others....

I feel like I should work on the yoga mat bags I was going to sell but...I don't think anyone's going to be buying them now. Just a hunch.

Stress. Aki is almost out of the only painkiller that actually works for them (specifically liquid tylenol) so I'm trying to plan a bike excursion to get more bc you cant fucking buy it anywhere online...but only Walgreens lists their stock online and I can only hope they don't get bought out before I can get there.

Today I did 4-5 loads of laundry and changed our sheets so I guess that is something. Brought lysol wipes w me to the laundry room and wiped down all the door handles, heard the person in the apartment nearest to it coughing so...good move on my part. X.x

I don't have an issue w staying home, I'm already super introverted so that's whatever, and Aki and I having our own rooms was a good move since they can work in peace but

Well

The world is in a state and it sure feels like I'm not taking my anxiety meds (I am. I assume if I went off them it would be worse) just the constant low background noise of being on edge. Saw some advice to the effect of "do things that make it feel like they affect something bc that's how you feel more in control" which is why I'm making masks I guess. Found a mutual aid document/contact thing for my neighborhood so I might hit that up now that my bike tires have air again and see if I can do anything for anyone.

I keep trying to stay informed and then reading awful stories and the government is an extraordinary shitshow and just. Feels like all I can do is keep trying to distract myself because the alternative is having a nervous breakdown.

Still, I'm lucky, and I know that. And my heart hurts for everyone who isn't. I wish I could do more. I have to keep reminding myself that I AM doing my best. This has hammered in that even being home all the time and having no work to do, I STILL can't keep up with all the necessary household tasks as much as I'd like to, and yes I am disabled and I need to stop beating myself up about not being perfect.

Also this sounds stupid bc im only 30 but I can feel myself getting old. By which I mean I can feel the ways my body just. Does not function like it used to. Trying to stretch more because my hands are not doing well. My left pinky finger is...it gets weird when I do a lot of handcraft stuff despite the fact that I don't *use* it for anything. I guess the motion of having it curled in has put strain on it? It hurts a bit and feels like the last joint is weak or won't stay in place. It's sort of a disturbing wrong-ness feeling like how Aki describes when they subluxate(?) joints. (They have EDS & have said they suspect I probably have mild hypermobility myself...) the compression gloves help a bit but they're definitely made for people who don't have long fingers. Wonder if I should order a larger pair and try taking them in so I have one w longer fingers.

I worry I'm going to end up w a hunch bc all I do creatively involves leaning forward over a desk. My home sewing setup is even less ergonomic than my work one and I should fix that but lowering my table will be...super annoying...

I have chilblains again. Other foot. So tired of this. This time it couldn't have been from the shower which means it's from lying in bed!? The only thing I can think to do is try to get up more often to restore circulation if I'm sitting all day but...easier said than done when it comes to hyperfocus...have noticed my feet turn weird colors in the shower so the circulation must be pretty terrible...

Was gearing up to try to talk abt all this with my doctor but...lol...nvm then, global emergency. Doctor google it is...

Final screm: both aki and I have our periods despite being on meds to prevent that AaaaaAAAAHHHHH stress is supposed to get rid of it, not fucking cause it



...the one thing I'm hoping for is the collapse of Airbnb meaning we can find a new apartment for way cheaper...friend who is moving up here unfortunately is in a bad money situation bc of this. (Job won't compensate employees but cut her hours)

 

good news: check did go thru. Found the email w update from work. Store is now closed til the 10th. they're paying us based on the hours we were scheduled for. texted manager and she said I could come by tomorrow and grab some things to work on at home. (she lives nearby the store and can open it for me)

Edit: painted those stupid kitchen shelves today. (long story) thought it would be much more involved than it ended up being. the texture is horrible bc there was no way i could make it smooth without an electric sander but the fact is whoever did the previous paint job was even shittier than me, but now at least it's a uniform color and not covered in grease stains and we can use it again to store things on

can't wait to move out of this plaaaaaaaaaaaaace

 

weird day. Managed to get parents to give me a ride to work to pick up stuff to do, but en route manager told me plans had changed. Waiting for the info from the conference call. Got groceries instead. Managed to obtain tylenol for Aki.


Dad was...lol. I think he was trying to like. Make sure I was prepared for the worst? But he asked how I was doing and I said pretty well considering the circumstances, esp because my company is looking after their employees. He went on to say that they might run out of money and I might get laid off. Idk how that was helpful bc literally anyone could get laid off right now. Plenty of people already have. I'm not special. There's also literally nothing I can do about it ahead of time. I don't have savings. Country's fucked. Have to take things one day at a time. Right now my partner needs meds and food.

He also said something like I could have a viable business sewing masks which. Lol. Maybe he was trying to cheer me up but I was like "feels kinda scummy to charge for them at a time like this" and he was like "you only feel that way bc you're still getting paid." Ok??

I get that this is him being pragmatic but I don't think he understands that I...have been living with anxiety forever. I intimately understand what it's like to be worried about the future. I'm not fucking stupid! And the way I have to deal w that is by living in the present and not the future. If something happens? I'll deal with it then. I need to not go completely insane worrying about worst case scenarios in the meantime.

This is of course the day before he and my mom are going down to their summer house the next state over bc it's less populated there. Must be nice. If he wanted to reassure me he could have said something like "don't worry we'll help if you end up struggling." Its just...really clear he doesn't know how to comfort people, lol.

 

Anyway thanks to that now I'm sitting here going "what if the conference call was about how I'm going to get laid off" and I'm going to sit here consumed with anxiety for the rest of the evening." Thanks dad!

 

Finally got the info abt work...it was a process. (Manager thought she emailed me pdf attachments but...did not, had to make an account on a new website for employee info and wait for it to be approved...)

Because the government keeps waffling abt dates they had to lay off the part time ppl. Which sucks. I am full time so my choices are 1. Use my PTO starting in April or 2. Apply for unemployment and possibly lose my health insurance. I have 5 wks worth of PTO so I'm gonna. Do that. And reevaluate in a month.

However apparently I can only use 30 hrs/wk and I've been budgeting based on 35-40 hr weeks so gotta do some budget math...

My fear of taking vacations actually paid off I guess.