A Pocketful of Good Things: April's Positive Vent Thread

feels like possibly kind of a weird thing to put in brainbent but i'm not sure where else it would go and i kind of. like the idea of having it separate from my Dedicatedly Negative and Purposeful vent threads. because sometimes i just got a Lotta feelings man shhhhh

 

i wish i knew how to tell people things. i wish i knew how to do things.

Spoiler: scrupulosity, purity culture

part of my brain is always just like 'NO HOLD YOURSELF AT A DISTANCE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOBODY WANTS YOU YOU'LL HURT PEOPLE IF YOU BREATHE THE WRONG WAY,' and it makes any kind of close relationships hellish, especially when it comes to dating and weird ingrained purity culture bullshit where showing affection for/interest in people you like is Devaluing and Objectifying Them How Could You Look at Someone You Claim to Love Like a Piece of Meat????? or whatever the fuck

i can't give signals worth a damn because my brain is convinced that doing anything other than Paralysis While Passively Being Pursued is predatory and awful and i should never ever do it, so i come off as probably really cold and disinterested to people i care about a lot, and i hate it and that i can't seem to get rid of the absolute conviction that i Hurt People When I Touch Them, Figuratively or Otherwise

...and this goes in positive vent because, occasionally, someone will care enough to wander past the weird emotional maze, and keep going. and. it's. it's humbling. i'm a broken little gremlin and the world is good

 

u nerd
:3

 

i like how some days my feelings are pretty chill and content and settled and other days they get a running start up the street and spin-kick me in the chest with no particular warning or input

 

feelings r good shit sometimes

 

amen to that man

amen

 

[inarticulately and sleepily vomits feels everywhere]

 

i think this about sums it up

 

Rough Day trying to punch through Shield of Happy Gay Thoughts more like

 

you know how there are some songs that feel like having your heart slowly pried in half

 

Spoiler: to the tune of 'supercallifragilisticexpialodocious':

iiii am really gay oh my god help i'm really fuckin gay

 

[WORDLESS BURBLING, QWOPPING ACROSS THE FLOOR]

 

MY WRITING IS BACK MY SPECIAL INTEREST FANDOM LIVES AGAIN MY OLD FANDOM FRIENDS DON'T HATE ME FOR DISAPPEARING AND THE WRITING BUDDY I WAS SCARED WOULD GO ABUSIVE MILITANT TUMBLR SJ ON ME IS STILL GR8 AND CHILL AND STILL LIKES ME A LOT

I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY HOLY SHIT IM GONNA CRY

 

hsdfdgfbdhcncnfhsfsjfbdhdjgddagdhsadhkljlbjkl

/lies down, does not get up

 

april is really gay, btw

no one is surprised

/lays on

 

/happy rubber duck squeak

i like how this thread has gone from 'wistfully, thoughtfully pondering feelings' to 'GURGLING, ROLLING ON THE FLOOR'

call out post for kintsugi user @Void:

• renders me a gloopy gay keysmash in human form

• too???? handsome?????? my heart??????

• gets really passionate about dogs and art and good ocs?????

• makes too many good ocs wtf

• is a furry

• makes me gurgle loudly in public

 

[HAPPY FLUSTERED BURBLING INTENSIFIES]

 

moana's soundtrack is so fucking good and i blasted it on repeat through Long Gross Exec-Heavy Chores i'd been putting off for a long-ass time and i am Proud

 

) maybe i'm not destined to fade out of every relationship and social circle. been feeling like that a lot lately, but it's starting to lift a bit. there are people i care about and who care about me, even if i'm dumb or spacey or annoying sometimes. i'm not a ghost, and i get to live and love and be happy as best i can.

) i just remembered khan academy is a thing and realized that no, the year of public high school i took didn't pay for it, it's free, and i get to have access to calculus and chemistry and physics and engineering learning materials without having to constantly appease a frustrated and impatient and disapproving authority figure with their idea of Progress, and i might actually cry a little bit holy fuck i get to learn at my own pace for once

 

current mood: we are number one but instead it's 'i am really gay'

<3333333