Vent A Second Off Sync From Reality

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by thewispsoftime, May 14, 2017.

  1. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    This wasn't initially intended to be a venting thing, more me describing how I'm feeling and seeing if anyone has any thoughts about it, but I'm putting it in the venting space just to be careful. If you read this and you have more questions/thoughts about it, I'd love to hear them. I just mainly wanted to make these thoughts real and concrete.

    So every so often I get delusions. It's been fairly consistent, at least once every two weeks, sometimes a couple in a day. The delusions are mostly of grandeur. They've taken the forms of the thoughts "I was hand-picked by the gods for some grand task", "I'm the reincarnation of Jesus Christ", or something similar. Whenever I have the delusions, for that duration, I truly believe them. Deep in my soul, I cannot even comprehend the idea that it could be false. It was just a fact of the universe, undeniable, unquestionable. But I would never talk about it. I knew that these thoughts were looked down upon by others, and even if I truly believed them at the time, I didn't want to hurt my social standing. I didn't want to make people mad when I was trying to help them.

    Lately they've been getting worse. The delusions have started to spill out into my interactions with others. I was discussing philosophical viewpoints with one of my friends when a delusion gripped me about the idea that the universe was invisible strings and what we perceived was just the vibrations of those strings. But when my friend denied it, I started to get angry. Like, actually angry. It was so frustrating to me that they couldn't believe me, and I even got into a fight with them before I could pull myself away. That night I laid down and cried, shaking. The next day I apologized and explained, but it still hit me hard. It was a reminder of just how far from reality I could go.

    The next day I signed up for health insurance and I'm going to see a therapist when I'm able to get some money, but that'll be a few weeks. I figure, if I help get this out and am able to understand it a bit, it'll be easier to explain it to the therapist.

    What do you all think?
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  2. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    This is a vent thread so fuck it, might as well vent.
    I hate feeling so... Off. Like I'm not me. Like the me I am is substantially different from the me I was an hour ago. I can't even tell what the difference is, or if there is a difference. I just feel so... Cut out from the world.

    I don't belong. But I want to. And it hurts that I can't. It hurts to look at others and know that I can't ever be like them. That I'll always be inherently destructive and horrible. And I know, deep down, that I don't deserve to be like the others. Because if I were, I'd only hurt others, and no one wants that. Least of all, me.
     
  3. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    I'm fucking ugly. I'm really fucking ugly. Even after losing 20 pounds im still at 265, and I'm still fucking fat. My face is blobby, my eyes are sunken, I have thin af arms. Nothing about me fits together and it makes me look fucking awful. I'm not desirable. I'm not fuckable, I'm not someone people look at and are like "oh hey he looks cute" I'm the type of person people look at and roll their eyes in disgust.

    and it wouldn't even fucking matter because even if there were people who liked how I looked I'll just piss them off or hurt them somehow. even if I was fucking desirable it wouldnt ever fucking matter. No one wants to be around me and no one ever stays around me. I'm just undesirable.
     
  4. Lampad

    Lampad New Member

    Sympathy, that all sounds like a lot to carry.

    I'm not any kind of expert, so please feel free to ignore me, but from what I've seen, it seems like stress can worsen issues with delusions (same as most other brain weirdness, I guess). Does it seem like that's something that plays into things for you?
     
  5. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    In a way, yes. The delusions are always there, and p much always at the same intensity. I simply have mental defenses up most of the time which limits what I believe and what changes my behavior. Stress weakens those borders, which in turn makes the delusions more powerful, easier to believe, and more likely to change my behavior.
     
  6. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    I want attention I want people to love me I want people to tell me im fucking great and amazing and I'm so fucking narcissistic and awful and im not good but I want people to tell me im good and I want people to talk to me and care about me but I dont deserve it I know I dont deserve but I want it so fucking bad and it hurts so fucking much I just want it to stop I just want it to stop please just stop being so fucking narcissistic people just stop
     
  7. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    I was having a good day. Maybe not an amazing day, spoon wise, but I was having a good day. I was happy, I was doing things I enjoyed and I fucking felt good about myself and my conditions for the first fucking time in a while.
    10 minutes with my dad and now I feel worse than I have in months.
     
    • Witnessed x 2
  8. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    the voices aren't going away they arent going away I just want them to shut up I dont want to hear them anymore they just tell me horrible things and I doint wanna hear it anymore please just shut up I dont want ot hear the voices anymore
     
  9. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    You fucking left. You left me. You hurt me in the worst possible fucking way you could. And I dealt with that. I pushed through the stress and the sadness.
    SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME BACK NOW?!
    You wanted to leave? Stay fucking gone.
    And I gave you many chances for us to work something out. To talk and make sure we can be happy in some form, but you don't even decide to fucking stick around for that!
    MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND
    You know what? fuck it, I can't deal with this back and forth shit anymore. If you wanted to stay, you would have. You decided to leave, and I'm through with giving you MORE second chances to redeem yourself. I'm fucking done with you.
    Stay the fuck out of my life.
    (Just so its clear this isn't about anyone from the forums/discord or in this community at all.)
     
  10. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    great, keep fucking up social interactions. Just fucking say whatever without thinking, even though you know that'll make people weirded out because thats what you fucking do. You weird people out. You make people uncomfortable. That's the kind of fucking person you are.
     
  11. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    I want to die. Been a while since I legitimately wanted to die. Nothing that I do works and i know its my fault. Its all my fault. And I try so hard to find solutions but I cant. Even if I do find a solution I never really act on it.

    Yeah, there's a light at the end of this tunnel. I've seen it before. But instead of fucking moving towards it, I just fucking sit down and stay in the fucking dark.

    I don't deserve happiness. I should just get this shit over with. Never gonna be happy anyways
     
  12. thewispsoftime

    thewispsoftime Out of Sync

    I feel so isolated. I've never once had a real conversation with someone whose brain works like mine. I've had some with people who have semi-similar brains to mine, but never one that I could truly connect to and understand. I've never had an conversation where I could just listen and understand and everything would make sense at its core and I would never have to wonder why they thought that way because I get it at my core.

    I hate never really knowing other people. I hate that I can never truly understand them. I'll always have a detachment to others, in some way. There's always a need for some sort of translation. I can never truly communicate in the way that I am, I always have twist and turn it for others to understand and its so damn tiring. I just, for once, wanna be able to TALK to someone without having to do that.
     
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