I'm not sure this will be coherent, but I wanted to post this before I could forget I wanted to post this, so: This tumblr post got me a bit emotional, because both of these things it describes - paralyzing fear of failure and being a people-pleaser with no personality to account for - do describe a lot of what ive been going through, mental health-wise. my theraphist says it's part of my depression, but ive been on lexapro (on and off, admittedly, because i rarely remember to take/replenish my pills) for about a year and... like, yeah, i don't think about suicide as often as i did, but other than that i've had little improvement, and i still can't focus well or keep a good train of thought and it's one of the reasons i still cant move forward in stuff i should be doing. like, i plan on doing my paper so i can get college over with and i tell myself i'll start today, but then my kindle decides to update the software, so i'll go grab a snack, and then it's five hours later and i'm making a three-course dinner. it could be just me being a lazy procrastinating ass, but i want to get rid of that stuff, i know i could get rid of that stuff, im not even fretting because my paper has to be perfect i just wanna get that thing over it so i can move on. and like, ive mentioned i want to go to med school? and i really really do? but like, i have to do something about this, like, asap, because i cant be a doctor if i zone out of what people are telling me if there's more than two sources of mouth-noises going at the same time. and i really really do wanna, because it's one of the few things that's making me downright giddy in comparison to what my moods been like. so, since this is a pretty sizeable pool of functioning adult brainweird people... what's your experience with adult ADHD/ADD is like? we've all heard of it in children, and i was a pretty quiet-but-creative child, so apparently that counts me out of attention disorders, but... i dunno. ive always had trouble focusing on, say, copying things from the blackboard; i wasn't bouncing around the walls but i wasn't entirely focusing, either. i need to find a new psychiatrist to see if my depression meds can be adjusted, if its not just something that lexapro isnt doing well, but id like to bring this up if it sounds like a reasonable explanation. if... if this is something med-able, if it's something that can be fixed, i... i dont know. i think i want to believe there's something wrong with me besides a rotten, leeching personality.