Adulting is Hard etc

Also I was expecting to be able to borrow my dad's car to finish moving stuff and run various errands this month. Because he rides his bike to work when it's nice out. But now my mom needs the car bc she just turned in her old one (because of that whole lawsuit with Audi) and she's being super picky about which new one she wants.

Nvm that she works less than 2 miles from her own house.

So now if I want to move anything I have to get her permission instead of my dad's and. Ugh.

 

Had to get 2 fillings today. I like my dentist and all and this isn't really his fault...or the hygienist who usually does my cleanings...but I always get the same lecture about brushing and flossing each time and like. I -know-. I understand the cause and effect. I know it's important. It doesn't change the fact that I have godawful executive dysfunction. Not brushing my teeth =/= not caring if I get cavities. I TRY. I forget. I wrote myself reminders. Didn't work.

Hoping new place will help. It sounds dumb and I don't want it to seem like I think moving will fix all my problems but honestly...i didn't have nearly this much trouble in my old place. Apart from the stupid blowup at the end I never felt like the common areas didn't belong to me. Also it wasn't so damn DIRTY. I don't like spending time anywhere but my room right now because it requires putting on shoes. That certainly doesn't help. Not to mention both the couch and the chairs in the kitchen (all of which I cleaned with upholstery cleaner some months ago) are gross again.

Just. Want to be able to walk around my home without shoes on. And not feel grossed out. Is that too much to ask.

Saw something once that suggested brushing teeth while in the shower. It seems weird but maybe I'll try it. (In new place. Hell if I'm putting my toothbrush in the shower here.)

Had.. interesting convo w therapist about how whenever my mom criticizes me she may well be projecting her own insecurities onto me. About being late (she always is), about the way I dress, eat, shaving...the list goes on.

She actually told me the other day I looked too skinny and needed "to eat more pasta". All I could think of was how she used to pick at me being overweight and then how she "praised" me for losing it.

It turns out my weight is mostly dependant on whatever medication im taking at the time. So like, extra fuck you, mom.

Two more weeks.

 

I actually used to brush my teeth more often when i kept my toothbrush and tooth paste in the shower. It became a problem when my mom kept moving them out of the shower into the other bathroom. So, honestly? I was going to go back to that habit when we move into our place. You can try it. Might help, helps me anyway.

 

7 more daysssssssss

Ticket hearing sucked, in the sense that I was a nervous wreck and was actually physically shaking for some of it. :/ but I brought photos of the intersection as evidence and actually managed to tell my story all the details I wanted. For some reason...the judge didn't want to give a verdict right there and she said it would be mailed to me. Which. Ok! I guess that's better than being told I'm still responsible outright.

Ofc as I was leaving the next guy gets told his ticket was dismissed bc the cop didn't show up to court. I HAD to go and get the cop who has nothing better to do. -_-

So still waiting but at least the worse is over.

Aki has been miserably sick for the past week and I cannot seem to get a full nights sleeps and missed some anxiety med doses anddddd my therapist is on vacation for 2 weeks. It's been kind of rough. At least Aki's doctor seems to be taking stuff seriously and we found out the ppl at the Urgent Care near them were really nice which was a relief after all the shit they've gotten from medical professionals.

So excited for moving >.<

Edit: court verdict was here when I got home. It was dismissed!!! Fuuuuuck yes

 

>one of my roommates ties off the kitchen trash bag and just leaves it in the can. Doesn't empty it or put a new bag in. it stays like this for 2 days because I'm like "wtf". instead of taking out the old trash, someone puts a trash bag in a CARDBOARD BOX and starts putting the trash in that instead

>I finally get fed up and take the trash out and it's STUPIDLY HEAVY because among other things there is an entire fucking watermelon rind in it. By which i mean a watermelon, cut in half, with the insides scooped out by a spoon. not cut into slices or anything.


>last week someone did take the trash out...halfway, but left it at the top of the stairs and it leaked nasty trash goo all over the landing and made the stairwell smell and no one has cleaned it up. I finally attacked it with lysol and discovered that it soaked into the doormat.

I'm leaving in 3 days, I don't fucking CARE anymore.

Edit: when I moved in i put plastic shelf liner under the kitchen sink (where the trash can is.) recently someone like...took it out and rolled it up and just left it under there. I don't understand. It is pretty dirty but if you want new shelf liner just. throw it...away...................


Edit 2:

Me: *brings the trash thing up to neat freak roommate*

NFR: Oh yeah, I tied the bag closed because [messy roommate] put a watermelon in there and i wanted to make sure no one put anything else in there or it would get too heavy

Me, screaming internally: THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE IT AND NOT TAKE IT OUT FOR TWO. DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Moving update: exhausted and kinda broke but on the home (hah) stretch

Too tired to explain much but tl;dr the new place was left a mess by previous tenants so we had to wait for things to be cleaned/repainted etc. The work is finally done for now (there's some non-urgent things we'd rly like to be fixed someday but) and most of our stuff is moved over, but still have a few carfulls of boxes left and then the Unpacking must begin in earnest...

Also no Internet until Saturday bc I'm a dumbass but it turned out sort of ok because idk how the cable guy would get in to install it right now.

 

1. Not looking forward to having a period this month but I have to call my insurance and figure out the bc shit and I'm still in the middle of moving because of stupid stuff and can't even brain that until we're settled in

2. Why is my time management ability so fuck awful

3. Stupid

4. Bill for my fillings came in and my mom bitched at me about it and said the money should come out of the savings account she's supposed to hand over to me. The one that's supposed to cover my rent until spring. Nvm that with the amount of money my parents make paying that bill would make 0 change in their lifestyle, wheras it's nearly 1 months rent for me

She hasn't lifted a fucking finger to help me move, while my dad has helped carry a lot of boxes and lent me his car for a week etc.

She wanted me to bring in my great-aunt hearing aids to be fixed ON THE DAY I WAS MOVING because she was too lazy to do it herself and whined at me when I gave them back to her saying it literally had no time to do it

She keeps making "pity me" noises about the fact that they're selling the house they bought when I was born, saying she doesn't want to downsize, idk why she's selling it then bc it's not like they can't afford it. They paid off the mortgage years ago. They TOOK OUT ANOTHER ONE to buy their summer house.

Tired of her conveniently forgetting that i, her child, am poor by every definition and lecturing me about what jobs I should or shouldn't look for while saying how great it is that I have free health insurance because my income is under the poverty line

Retroactively even more bitter that she bitched at me years ago for being unable to find a therapist on my insurance and how much it cost to treat my mental health when she always had more than enough money for it

It's not even her money. It's my dad's. She probably makes 1/4 of what he does. I don't begrudge her for having a job she apparently enjoys (a teacher) but I do find it really infuriating that she acts like his money is hers and then lectures me about how I'm wasting it by existing :))

Also how they used to make me pay them rent when I lived at home when I could have been saving up that money, instead it just felt like I was pouring it down a hole.

If they NEEDED money that would be different. But they don't. They just did it to ~teach me responsibility~. Instead it made me resentful.

 

hugs if wanted :(

 

Thank you, I will accept hugs

Just been bone tired from moving & it's been an emotional rollercoaster for both me and Aki. One that will have good results! But right now it's just a lot of necessary stuff that's stressful and its not...bad, just stressful. I think from the sheer volume of Things To Do and also I budgeted wrong and money is going to be tight until next week so I'm extra stressed about money in particular.

Internet should be installed tomorrow so hopefully my usual form of stress relief (game) will be accessible again. Though I actually don't mind unpacking too much, bc it satisfies the whole sorting and organizing urge. It was carting all our boxes over and working around maintenance that was the hard part.

Still a few more boxes to retrieve (but it's just fabric/cosplay supplies) + my bike.

 

Spoiler: gender and name thoughts for later

at least even tho I have to miss a week of the birth control, it's still improved things bc I no longer really get the horrific 1-2 week PMS lead-up. The week of sucks but then it always does so whatever. Just sort of bracing myself for the dysphoria.

I still want to get top surgery at some point but at least when my hormones are chill, boobs are just sort of a nuisance and not causing my brain to flash FATAL ERROR in bright red letters. Still kind of weirded out by the med-induced weight loss but it shrunk them to manageable levels where I look p flat in a loose shirt and sports bra.

I've probably said this before, but the way my physical dysphoria manifests like like...well, a medical problem. The way I feel about those parts is the way I feel about an injury or a surgical incision or a bug bite...ranging from "hey that's not right I hope it goes away soon" to abject disgust.

in contrast my social dysphoria is way less and p much loops back to the physical (people assume I'm a girl = they assume I have girl parts = start thinking about the girl parts, get wigged out)

I have a very feminine name but a gender neutral nickname I've been using since I was at least 10. I've been tossing around the idea of a name change but it's hard to figure out. P much everyone I know that isn't my immediate family calls me by my nickname or Enzel (online friends) anyway, or by my MMO character's name. It seems kind of weird to change my legal name...to my nickname bc I know I'd get annoyed by people asking what it's short for. (It's clearly a nickname and not a standalone name afaik.)

then there's my family name which...gets complex. After my grandparents divorced my grandma & mom & uncle kept my grandfather's last name despite him being estranged. Then when my mom got married she just...didn't change her name, and also passed it on to us kids, because my dad just didn't care I guess. (This lead to stuff like people assuming my parents were divorced or that I'd been kidnapped when I was travelling with him...) so essentially, I have my shitty abusive grandfather's last name. Idk why my mom kept it if she hates him so much.

My conflict comes down to a couple things: it's a v unique name and I am kinda paranoid about being doxxed the way the Internet is these days. Plus I don't really want a name I associate with my mom. I could take my dad's name (v. generic surname, better for privacy?) instead but my mom would probably flip an absolute shit.

Partner doesn't like their surname and wants to change it when we get married and therein lies...the thing.

I dunno. It's not like I need to do anything about it right away.

 

http://patronustrip.tumblr.com/post/164724708270/self-doubt-headcanon-3-same-korra-same-enjoy

mood

 

FINALLY INTERNET

the installation guy was super nice and I need to figure out how to leave him a good review. The company gave me a phone call after to do so except I let it go to voice mail bc I've been getting a lot of telemarketers lately. Whoops.


Lists bc I don't have my usual writing pad or whiteboard up/unpacked yet, also there's a lot of stuff.

Spoiler

To clean:

-windows (glass, sills, exterior)

(KITCHEN)
-fridge inside, fridge door, freezer inside
-stove/oven
-last kitchen cabinet and exterior (1 done)
-shelves above sink
-pantry floor/walls
-cube shelf unit/drawers
-go over entire floor once everything is unpacked since ppl have been walking in w/ shoes
-walls (spot clean for grease etc)

(BATHROOM)
-walls
-shower/tub
-floor

(FRONT HALL)
-floor (once everything is unpacked) (1/3 done)
-remove nails from walls?

To fix:

-figure out why windows won't close/lock easily or ask maint guy (we have iron bars on the outside bc 1st floor so we're safe, but it's annoying)
-put up towel racks on bathroom door
-put up hooks on closet door (bedroom and hall)
-put up lighting strip above kitchen sink

Paint:

-around windows where old shades were removed
-closet & room doors
-pantry interior
-shelves over kitchen sink
-dresser

To buy:

Soon
-return unused stuff to Ikea
-7 sets of curtain rod holders
-bedside lamp

Eventually
-shelving unit for over bathroom toilet (~$50)
-air purifier (probably $150-300)
-iron (?)

Non-essential
-monitor riser (~$40)
-steamer (?)
-serger (~$300)


Misc:
-sort out electric company
-make curtains
-call insurance about bc meds

-look into applying to post office??
-join job website from dad
-make ko-fi account??
-draft commission info
-make list of possible etsy products etc
-look into state vendor's license
-look into credit cards

-check out ballet costume program again
-practice sewing w stretch fabrics
-indeed for costume jobs??

-renew passport http://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/renew_passport.html

 

I believe in you, you've got this!!

 

crossed out some stuff. need to make myself go to bed early tonight bc stayed up too late for dumb reasons.

in other news, I'm annoyed b/c i've been trying to phase out my old bank account so it had less than $100 in it, but I forgot that I'd given my old roommate my last utility checks bf i moved out. 3 WEEKS LATER she cashes them and it was maybe $20 over what was left in my account so i got hit with 2 overdraft fees (b/c 2 checks). Fuckin. literally a day before my paycheck came in. and the Venmo payment for the internet from other rm was still processing and would have covered it.

apparently I can fight it but I have to figure out how. Because I'm not throwing $70 down the drain bc of dumb bullshit.

Edit: BEING NICE TO PEOPLE ON THE PHONE PAYS OFF, GOT THEM REFUNDED

In good news, the apartment is starting to come together. I just...need...sleep...and i need to smack myself into resting for a day bc my back and wrists have been hurting all week.

 

Copy/pasted from discord

Spoiler: cw: Enzel's mom

My mom wants me to help her pack up their house for moving when she didn't fucking lift a finger to help me move :'>

Not to mention I'm sick and physically exhausted and I aggravated my back injury/wrist problems during my own move

And I'm working 5 days next week

Me: (explains all that to her)
Her: you're saying you won't help after Dad moved boxes for you at 1am???

I'm noticing a distinct lack of anything SHE did

I just hung up on her

This was after she said she'd give me the money from that account "minus $680" (my dental bill)

And I said "how is that fair when paying that money won't affect you the way it affects me"

And she got SUPER FUCKING OFFENDED

"I work just as hard for every cent of my money as you do!!!" Blah blah blah

She literally said I hurt her feelings for pointing out I am poor and she isnt

I make below the poverty line and she can afford trips to Italy every year and SHE'S offended??

Oh another gem

She said I need to watch how I speak to her because she "is very careful about how I speak to you" and "I don't want us to have a bad relationship"

>looks into camera like I'm on the Office

I'm glad I've finally like. Realized that I can just stop communicating with her when she starts ranting at me

I don't actually have to sit and take it!!! Amazing!

 

Also I shouldn't have come to work today. But money. Except the brain fog is strong, back hurts, can't focus, nose is running.

Was an hour late bc I misremembered the time

 

Spoiler

"I don't want us to have a bad relationship!"


Have you tried not being a
?

 

I need to sleep for about 5 days straight tbh

 

Ok this is probably going to sound really weird but. I feel like shit, honestly. Except...it's bad, but it's not *bad*?

I couldn't figure out how to explain it until I realized-- I am miserable, but it's not accompanied by the usual cloud of abject despair. I know the things that are making me miserable will end sometime soon. It sucks and I'm tired and upset but things will get better.

 

Called out of work like I should have yesterday

Gonna sleep more and just listen to TAZ or sth. Hopefully this cold will start clearing up by tomorrow