Adulting is Hard etc

redoing list to make it easier to read/update

To clean:

-windows (glass, sills, exterior)

(KITCHEN)
-fridge door, freezer inside
-shelves above sink
-cube shelf unit
-walls (spot clean for grease etc)

(BATHROOM)

-shower/tub

To fix:

-figure out why windows won't close/lock easily
-put up lighting strip above kitchen sink

Paint:

-around windows where old shades were removed
-closet & room doors
-pantry interior
-shelves over kitchen sink
-dresser

 

Appointment with sleep doc is next week, hallelujah!!

 

Spoiler: kinda gross

today at work! Return of the "stomach gas so disruptive it makes you violently nauseous and feverish"!

What the fuuuuck did I eat to cause this holy shit

I had breakfast (waffles) and...I don't think anything else? I can't remember. Have to keep sitting down and burping repeatedly to release pressure. Still feel like I might throw up any minute.

 

Spoiler: follow-up

update: I did end up throwing up, if only a little, and it actually seemed to help...bleh. home now and have managed to keep dinner down for several hours so hopefully I'm ok...

 

Sudden feeling that I fucked up

Fucked up what, you ask?

Everything.

Thanks, brain.

 

Spoiler

me: I want to give advice so no one has to go through what I did or at least they don't have to feel alone

Brain: you're making everything about yourself again

Me: ...I don't have any way to dispute that so you're probably right.

 

Spoiler

part of the reason it's so hard to deal with anxiety is that the things I'm afraid of are things that have happened before

ESPECIALLY being misunderstood/saying insensitive things without realizing it. Apologies are all well and good but it doesn't change the fact that I've hurt people to begin with and I should have found a way to STOP DOING IT by now

I really don't know how to tell when something I'm going to say will hurt someone because if I knew how to tell I would have stopped by now. Thinking about it doesn't help because I'm not the other person so I don't!!! Know!!!

I don't know. I'm trying.

 

Thing that has happened recently several times about different subjects:

Me: *tries to express that I am unsure if [x] is safe/ok because I don't have enough info and I want the other person's input*

Other person: *interprets that as me saying "[x] is not ok and you must change/fix it" and gets upset/annoyed*

 

I don't even know why I'm so moody all of a sudden. It's probably bc I'm an idiot who didn't go to bed until 6am this morning because I was reading a comic.

I talked to my psych today about the impulse control issues and she said that we could increase the Adderall dosage but she wants to see my sleep study results first and see if the fact that I'm still having focus trouble w certain things comes from another source.

she also said to talk to my therapist about it which comes back around to getting an executive dysfunction coach bc he's told me he just does work with trauma and doesn't have the knowledge to teach skill building. He's just been able to suggest some things since he also has ADHD.

Spoiler: weight talk

also I've lost another 5-7 lbs since I thought I'd stabilized and it's low key still freaking me out. I don't feel any hungrier than usual. I eat. Slightly more than I had been eating I guess? I just feel like there's not much left to me. All my clothes need to be taken in, including the pants I bought AFTER losing a big chunk of weight and they fit nicely 3-4 months ago. P much the only positive thing that's come from this is Less Boob, the rest is sort of horrifying. I'm worried that with doctors' views on "healthy weight" they're not going to take it seriously if it becomes an actual health problem. I don't know. Maybe I'm just paranoid because it's such a big change.

I feel like I'm using the physical work that needs to be done on the apartment as a distraction from the things I probably should do like looking for another job. But at the same time I don't feel settled without everything being the way I want it to be. The prospect of job searching is still massively daunting.

Spoiler

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I know they're probably just tired/overloaded and that's why they have a flat affect but my brain keeps screaming that Aki is mad at me because I fucked something up

I don't even know what it could be and I'm going to try to talk to them I just. Needed to get it out.

 

Spoiler

we had a Relationship Talk and it was kind of painful but it turned out good...I think...

I remember saying something like "it sucks that a lot of the things I need to hear to get better also trigger me." By which I mean that I'm still learning to take criticism as constructive without going into an anxiety spiral. It depends a lot on if my meds are working and if I don't have any other stressors too...

My psych suggested I read a book about spouses of ADHD people because seeing the other perspective might help.

I think ADHD aside, adjusting to living w someone I actually like I'd just. Very new.

 

>remembers I promised to commission a thing like 2 years ago and then never did because executive dysfunction

>intense guilt even though I no longer have the money to do so anyway

 

Sleep study scheduled for beginning of Nov. They're giving me the home test first which is a relief.

When talking to the doctor I tried to remind myself to compensate for downplaying my symptoms a little but I felt like I was exaggerating. Ofc afterward Aki said I downplayed them anyway. WHOOPS. I guess I'm so used to being tired all the time it's hard to imagine what most other people experience.

Doctor did say narcolepsy was a possibility if not sleep apnea.

Been making curtains for our windows and its kind of nice to be sewing again plus it's fairly simple and therefore mindless.

Stuff to do after work:

X-rent check
X-reply to MRC email
X-fill out electric bill form<-find stamps to mail it w

 

MMO friend group drama

Spoiler: venting

It's just sitcom levels of dumb misunderstandings that could be avoided if people actually brought up their issues to the person in question instead of going to a mutual friend and expecting them to fix it. (And the mutual friend is getting very frustrated and tired of this, understandably)

I knew going in it might be a bit bumpy bc we all have various brainweirds going on. (at least 3/8 of us are autistic and/or ADHD and I think only 1/8 DOESN'T have some form of mental health issue) we made a casual raid group because of this, because most of us knew we couldn't fit into one that wasn't made up of understanding people.

Now it looks like 2 people might be leaving to join another group at some nebulous time in the future and it just feels like they'd rather jump ship then put effort into figuring out what's not working. As someone w anxiety I GET that it's hard to speak up when something is bothering you but all of us are willing and able to adjust the bothersome behavior, we just can't do it if no one SAYS it's a problem to begin with

Its hard to talk about what's so frustrating about this without going into specifics which would just take too long but goddamn I am. Frustrated. Esp. because I could sort out where the misunderstandings are happening if people actually came to me with their concerns.

Side order of "X interpreted what Y said as a personal attack even tho it wasn't and they can't separate feeling hurt from the fact that they misread the situation/got unintentionally triggered so they end up insisting their interpretation was correct so their feelings are validated" and "therefore we can't address the underlying issue without X now getting defensive even though it has nothing to do with them"

you can feel hurt and still acknowledge the person did not intend to hurt you nor did they have any reasonable way to know you would be hurt!!

 

Spoiler

I'm tired and kind of want to just disappear

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tfw you identify with characters a huge chunk of the fandom hates because they think they're annoying fuckups because you yourself are an annoying fuckup

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just lost a whole 3 paragraphs bc my phone is a piece of shit and the forum saving your unfinished posts doesn't work on edits

screams

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tl;dr I'm fucking useless

 

I hate that phrase "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

Like thanks, you nailed it, join the club of people mocking the fact that I can't seem to stop making the same dumb mistakes as if I don't know I'm doing it and am not wishing it would stop

 

I hate myself, I want to do better, I want to BE better, I honestly cannot grasp how anything about me is tolerable to other human beings. It's not that I think my friends are lying. I can live with the cognitive dissonance of accepting that there's something about me they like while being unable to see it for myself

I do wonder a lot why that thing is worth all the other bullshit that comprises me as a person and if they've somehow convinced themselves that putting up with all that is necessary. Surely there are other people out there with more redeeming qualities. I just don't get it.

I can accept that there are things I'll never be able to fully understand and just let that be. It doesn't stop me from wondering, though.

I want to be better but I'm so tired. I made progress. I KNOW I did, when I started with this therapist, I know the meds help. I know things can keep improving but I feel stagnant again, like in high school, and I sure as hell don't want to go back there

the list is too long. I can't break it down. Everything is tangled up together and I can't fix just one thing at a time. But together is too much.

 

I guess what is a vent thread for if not for venting so here's another

I keep feeling like my therapist is annoyed with me and I have no way to tell how accurate that assessment is

 

I legitimately wonder if anxiety spirals and shit get this bad bc ADHD and my brain is trying to keep itself busy so it just decides the best way to do that is by tormenting itself

 

Spoiler: scattered thoughts

Broken record but I'm tired. I'm almost more tired than usual despite having slept what should be the normal amount.

we've been behind on orders at work almost constantly since LAST CHRISTMAS. Maybe a few weeks here and there that we're caught up before falling behind again. Right now it's especially bad. Ofc the higher-ups solution to us not meeting their standards is to put my manager in a bunch of meetings so she can...get even less work done!?

I know it's not my fault and the company expects too much of us and I just need to do what I can but having to field customers calling and being upset about their work being late just. Sucks. And I agree that they should be upset but we literally don't have enough time to get the work done. It's putting me back in the headspace I was in at school where no matter what I did I was always behind and it was soul-crushing. Not good.

I've been accepted into our state job training/finding program for people w disabilities but I'm still waiting for my transfer to the office closer to my new apartment to go thru. I just. Need a different environment. One without so many people.

Apartment is livable but needs a lot of organizing still. We have basically everything unpacked but need ways to store it all efficiently. I'm kind of paralyzed about what to do first so I've just been making the curtains so at least that fabric won't be laying around...I should start on Aki's weighted blanket once that's done bc that will also free up that space, I have a bunch of bags of filler pellets kicking around.

Some good news: doctor somehow sorted the birth control thing for me, bless her. I just got given about 4 months worth which should last me 3 taking it constantly, I think. (/flips my period the bird on its way out)

 

I tend to interpret "hey can you do this thing for me" as "do it right at this very moment" and I don't know if it's because that's usually what my mom meant or because I'm afraid of forgetting the thing so I feel like I should do it right away


Aki also said the other day that I move like someone smaller than I am. Was carrying stuff into the apartment and we kept bumping into each other bc they would move out of my way but then I'd move at the same time to try to go around them. They said if I'm carrying something I should be expecting other people to move for me and that was just a. Strange revelation. People don't often get out of my way unless I ask and even then.

We also had a misunderstanding because I'm that clueless about social shit and they thought I was offering to do something to be polite but didn't actually want to do it, so they turned me down. And then I got confused because it seemed like they wanted me to do the thing so why did they turn me down? I said I wouldn't offer to begin with if it was a bother and they said that most people offer stuff they don't actually want to do "to be polite" and you're supposed to refuse so they can get out of doing it.

Social rules are fucking bizarre. I'm not going to offer to do something I don't want to do because why put the idea in someone's head to begin with?? Geez. But it also means I've probably offended people in the past by saying yes to their offers because I thought it was ok, since they were offering.

SIGHS.

On the plus side dating someone whose special interest is people means they have studied this shit and can explain it to me even if we both agree that it's dumb.