Adulting is Hard etc

Past me: Man, I'm glad we made a raid group of friends so there won't be any drama!

Future me: My sweet summer child....

 

The worst part is MMO lingo is incomprehensible to people who don't play them so I can't even explain why this interpersonal problem even EXISTS to most people

I guess the tl;dr is, two people in our group that meets weekly on a schedule are shit at communicating and have just not explained that they couldn't make it until the very last minute or because they were prompted by someone else, and then they flip out and get defensive when called on it. Also the two of them are dating each other.

We finally had full attendance yesterday and one of the two decided to praise her gf's performance while simultaneously shitting on everyone else (by saying, essentially, "my gf deserves praise because she has a harder job to do than everyone else" when someone else has the SAME JOB plus telling everyone ELSE what to do in a timely manner on top of that. Also she said this in response to our leader saying "good job everyone!")

They're making things extremely unpleasant and we need to kick them from the group but the resulting fallout it going to be SUPER shitty.

 

Also: PTERODACTYL SCREECHING AT MY PARTNER'S SHITTY DOCTOR

 

Good things: friend drama has been pretty much resolved.

Also radio silence here is usually a good thing, because it means I don't have much to yell about.

Still waiting on sleep test results.

Meh: Holiday hours have started at work, which means if I close I get home at 11pm.

Really want to finish organizing the apartment but my days off from work are usually spent decompressing. Also my sleep has been worse than usual. There was a period where it was bad because I was adjusting to being in a new place, but then I managed to settle in. Then it started getting cold and the heating system kicked in and the radiators make the most horrific noise at buttfuck o'clock in the morning.

maintenance is coming to look at them today at least. We don't pay for heat, only electric, but since the landlord lives above us the water has to go thru our place to get upstairs so it's been a bit too hot for comfort when they turn it on. I'd almost rather have to pay for heat and be able to shut it off. The last place that had heat included cranked it up so high I had to have my windows open all winter to avoid frying alive and I'm pretty sure that's what made the mold grow on my dresser.

 

Realization brought on by dealing with a particularly annoying customer: I really hate having to make decisions for other people.

By which I mean I hate it when people say "idk what to do, you tell me" in one way or another, because it sounds like "i don't care" but in practice almost always means "I want you to magically read my mind and tell me what I want to hear, and I'm going to get angry/upset if you are not in fact a mind reader and instead tell me what *you* actually think, which is not what I want to do."

Also that thing people do where they tell you what they want and say "what do you think?" but actually mean "validate me whether you agree or not, I don't really care what you ACTUALLY think."

Working retail is so fucking dehumanizing.

Also another small realization from Thanksgiving dinner: part of why my executive dysfunction around chores was so bad when living w/ parents was because my mom is really fucking terrible at giving clear instructions and gets agitated if you ask her to be more specific. But if you don't ask and do the task not exactly the way she wants it done (which you won't know without reading her mind) she ALSO gets angry.

I was having a nice time talking to my dad and sister for a while but the moment my mom came in, the arguing started. My sister went ahead and made brussel sprouts the way she wanted to and mom got annoyed because that wasn't what SHE had planned, then she told me to make sweet potatoes and gave the vaguest instructions possible. "put brown sugar and maple syrup on them." (After me asking 3-4 times *how much* and not getting a straightforward answer, I went ahead, and THEN she said it was too much.)

At some point I stopped her and told her that if she wants me to help out she has to give more specific instructions, or hand me a recipe or something if she doesn't want to be pestered. She responded with something like "well you'd know if you cooked more often." Apparently cooking more often means you have the ingredient amounts for every recipe in existence memorized. Who knew???

I was more irritated than anything, but I also realized this was sort of just...the story of my life.

 

Due to some fuckery I've been off my ADHD meds for about 4-5 days and it suuuuucks

For one thing, I'm half asleep all the time, which tells me the sleep disorder thing is way more serious than I initially thought, if taking stimulants is the difference between "sorta tired all the time" and "literally dozing off while standing around"

I do remember having to take naps a lot before meds but being able to compare after being on them for a while is. Jesus. No wonder I never got anything done.

For another, brain is like mush and stringing coherent thoughts together is an Effort

They finally got refilled so I have to go in and pick them up and I blew it today because I was so tired I slept thru my "wake up from nap" alarm and now I have to go to work.

Tomorrow I can either get up stupid early and get them before work, (miserable) or go after work and spend another day without them (also miserable)

(LOUD GRUMBLING)

 

I don't know how to ask for help

I don't know how to recognize I NEED help until after things have already gone to shit

I have asked my therapist how to remedy the fact that I keep making really shitty mistakes thanks to my poor impulse control and he basically said that I will eventually learn by making them

Like I get that mistakes are a thing that need to be made for learning but these ones are literally alienating and upsetting the people I care about and I would like to NOT do that

And considering every one comes down to "did not think about the logical consequences or was unable to actually concieve of them before opening their stupid fucking mouth" it's like

They all have the same origin. I can't keep filing away individual reactions to individual dumb things I say because all that does is give me a mental list of "Dumb Things Not For Saying" and no way to tell if a new thing belongs on that list until I hurt someone with it

Add in the ultimate irony of an executive dysfunction coach being really fucking difficult to obtain when one has executive dysfuntion

 

I'm in a weird position at work where there are all these baby LGBT kids and here I am at 28 and I feel like I should be setting an example for them?? They're all asking to be called by correct names and pronouns but everyone thinks I'm a lesbian bc I didn't think explaining to my boss that I'm agender was even an option.

Idk. Like MA is super liberal and we have anti-discrimination laws but I don't want the scrutiny, I guess?? It feels like if I were binary trans I'd be more ok with being out because people at least have a concept of "male" and "female".

Talk about first world problems I guess. (I know that phrase is terrible but. ) It feels like a trivial thing to worry about when being out won't get you straight up fired, which is kind of amazing?? But I just don't want to deal with it myself.

The least I can do is keep correcting the older employees on the name/pronoun thing and try to explain it for them so the people in question don't have to, but it's so bizarre having to talk like an outsider to the whole thing. (I've been saying "my best friend is trans" to explain why I know stuff which isn't a lie so.)

Spoiler: shark week

The bc was working for a while and it wss great but I've had a low-key period for basically...A month now??? And I think it's been affecting my mood and spiking my dysphoria. It's just a little bleeding but it's been pretty constant and bleh. I think I have an obgyn appt coming up but I guess I should probably email her or something in the meantime.

I would like to lodge a formal complaint against my uterus

 

tired of being tired all the time, always and forever

Today was a very strong wanting to stay in bed day but I managed to get up for therapy anyway

Tried to nap after but despite being physically and mentally into it, sleep refused to happen. At least lying down with your eyes closed apparently does give you some rest at least.

Felt like crying but couldn't

My brain never really seems to rest, there's always random thoughts buzzing around in it, anxieties, things I'm supposed to remember, bits and pieces of recent dreams, song lyrics looping repeatedly (a lot of the time not even songs I like), rehearsals of conversations I need to have or wish I could. I guess part of the reason hyperfocus is desirable is because it clears out all that crap and makes it so there's just one thing there. It's just...idk...relieving in a way. Because nothing else makes all that stop. I used to have a head full of stories instead which is why I was always daydreaming. It was way more interesting than all the random bullshit my brain generates these days.

 

>is super sleepy in bed at 3am

>gets up to go to the bathroom

>suddenly wired and can't sleep

fuck you too, brain

 

Stares into the abyss

My mom has been annoyingly needy lately and keeps texting me insistently if I don't respond right away

She claims it's because she wants to make sure I'm alive. Lol. Ok.

I've told her if she wants to talk about something she needs to put it IN the text instead of sending me something like "call me!?!?!" that makes it look like someone died or something. She claims she doesn't "like" communicating thru text and she'd rather "hear [my] voice"

For all I know she's probably doing that on purpose anyway

Partner said she's not allowed over our apartment and I'm fine with that but my mom keeps getting antsy about it. I've told her several times she needs to respect it and today she texts that she's coming over. I told her I'm not home (true) and she asks if I'm working. I don't feel like I should have to explain anything to her at this point and I'm tired. I need to figure out how to tell her to back the fuck off

Its just sort of sad bc she's digging her own grave. She more she desperately pesters me to pay attention to her the more I don't want to be around her.

 

Spoiler: recent texts

Her: Taking [brother] out for dinner for his birthday next Saturday night. Any chance you can join us? The day is the 17th. Would love you there!

Me: Am working, sorry. Need 2 weeks notice (note: she knows this, I've had the same job for 4 years. She asked me this a week bf and expected me somehow to not have to work retail on a Saturday)

Her: that's too bad! What night do you have off?

[Next day]

Her: Talk?

[Two days later]

Her: Please call me!!?

[Next day]

Her: Resume looks good! In other skills, change the greats to strong organizational skills, detail oriented, values role as member of a team. Bullet these too.

(My job placement coach asked to see my resume so I cleaned it up a bit to send to her. Forgot my mom had access to the Google doc and apparently gets notified of edits. :/ need to possibly remove her or make a new one)

[4 days later]

Her: Did you see this??? Please reply!

[2 days later]

Her: Off this week. Want to get some lunch together tomorrow??

[Next day]

Her: Thinking of stopping by your place today to see it on my way to pick up [great aunt] What time will you be there?

Me: I'll be out all day today

Her: Working?

Her: Can you call me please???

Me: Mom, do you know what a boundary is?

Me: Do not just invite yourself.

Me: I already talked to you about this.

(I have told her that the move was very stressful and my partner being autistic does not want people just showing up and being in their space when they're trying to adjust to it, and that my mom would be invited when partner is ok with it. Tbf I didn't tell her that would probably be "never" because it would require her getting therapy and becoming less of a self-absorbed ass, but. The fact that she keeps pushing the issue is telling.)

Her: Yes, are you building a wall too? Haven't seen you in 2 months. A text is not a violation of a boundary. It takes a minute.

(I can't believe she compared me to cheeto man. I should be insulted but it's fucking hilarious)

Me: No, but saying "I'm going to come over" instead of asking when I've told you why is

Me: I'm having a busy week. I'll get back to you when I can. Please respect that. Thanks.

Her: Thank you for your response. It's all I would like. Would you like to see me and your aunt today? I will be on [redacted] street.

(Actually I'm taking my partner to have a medical procedure but that's none of her fucking business)

 

Could I reply to things in a more timely manner? Probably. Do I want to put the effort in for the person that emotionally abused me for years? Nah.

 

Recent realization I want recorded:

Part if the reason my job is so toxic for me is that not only are management's expectations too high, because we're behind on work and have been for months, I'm constantly treated to customers who are angry/annoyed and I can't actually fix their problems because I'm not capable of doing so.

Years of emotional abuse made me into a people pleaser. Therapy has been teaching me to set boundaries, but I can't do that at work when simply walking away from an angry stranger can cost me my job. Therefore, my job essentially forces me to constantly re-victimize myself.

Job finding person was like "oh you just have to learn how to not let it get to you" and I just stared at her. I think it's pretty fucked up that me saying "I can't work in customer service anymore because it's bad for my mental health" is always responded to with the equivalent of "that's how it is, just suck it up."

I mean, on top of the damage to me personally, why do people just shrug at the fact that retail workers have to just "put up with" being treated like absolute shit?

 

It's that time again! Time to be hideously aware of my own social awkwardness.

 

Some updates:

Talked to obgyn about the period nonsense, she suggested taking the pills for 4 months then a week off for withdrawal bleeding to see if that prevents the whole month long period thing. So far so good? The week off certainly sucked but still nowhere near as bad as my old periods used to be.

Had a proper sleep study in the hospital and waiting to hear back. Feel like I hardly slept at all. I'm just hoping it shows SOME sort of measurable data.

Wonder if I need to adjust my anxiety meds somehow.

Work is...I'm managing. We're final caught up on our backlog of work but idk for how long. The disability services person finally referred me to an actual job coach, which surprised me because I thought that was *her* job, but what do I know I guess. Job coach seems nice & listened & asked better questions so far tbh. Will see how it goes.

All in all in sort of in that spot where I've taken steps for things but now it's mostly waiting. Making me a little antsy but trying to keep it together in the meantime.

 

Parents went on a trip out of the country. They asked me to check in on my elderly great aunt while they're gone. She has 2 aides that come during the week but apparently not on the weekend. She has a special pill case that beeps when she needs to take her meds.

I didn't end up checking on her this weekend because I thought she'd be ok and I was super busy (I work retail so getting weekends off is...lol) and on top of that I was out of my adhd meds because of a lineup of unfortunate circumstances. Consequently I was so tired I could barely do anything but drag myself to work and eat. It was probably dangerous to be driving. (Parents leant me the car.)

Now aunt apparently didn't take her meds over the weekend and has a bad cough and I may have to take her to the doctor. Can't help feeling this is my fault. At the same time I'm just. I can barely take care of myself, how can I be responsible for a whole nother human being???

Spoiler: cw for animal death talk

I know humans =/= pets but I frequently get anxiety nightmares about trying to take care of an animal sometime and killing them because I forget to feed them, or handle them too roughly by accident. My cousin actually had a pet guinea pig that starved to death bc he forgot to feed it and his parents just let it happen because they wanted to teach him a lesson about responsibility. Every time I think about that it horrifies me.

 

Adults generally don't develop coughs just from not taking their medication for two days.

 

yeah, you're right. I was kind of anxiety spiraling but mostly I meant that I didn't check up on her during the weekend and if i had i might have caught her being sick before her caretaker had to tell my mom. Thankfully she's ok, I went to see her today and she said the cough was worse before and she's gotten a lot better, so it doesn't seem to be anything serious.

She's just old and has memory problems and won't tell people when she needs help because she's stubborn. :( (also my mom has this way of dealing with her that...well, if you've followed my thread you know what my mom is like so. It's just really awful to watch when I'm in the same room as the two of them because she berates my aunt for things she can't change [being old, having hearing/memory loss] as if it's her fault for not exercising more early in life or something??) (she's also diabetic and eats sugary things bc she has no impulse control so ahhhhhhh)

 

After seeing the job coach once, she sent me an email with some follow up questions that I answered. After that I didn't hear from her for about 3 weeks. I kept forgetting but finally emailed her again to ask what was up, and she basically told me that the organization that is paying her to see me gives them a certain amt of money and they're out of budget until July.

I don't blame her but I kinda wish she'd told me sooner. I don't doubt this is because the Cheeto Regime cut federal funding to our state disability program. I am not completely sure what to do now. I p much have enough money for rent for May and then if I manage to work enough I might be able to cover June, but that doesn't factor in groceries or anything else. I considered asking her how much it would be out of pocket to see her again sooner. I could maybe ask my parents to help but I don't want to unless I absolutely have to, for obvious reasons.

I was tentatively making contingency plans but. The full time position at my current job is open. The problem is that I know how much working here stresses me out right now so I can't quite picture how functional I'll be if I were to do it twice as much. On the other hand, business does slow down in the summer, and if they switch me to full time I might get a raise. Key word *might*.

On the third hand...I'd be forced to get off my state health insurance onto the shitty company health insurance which has a fucking $3500 deductible. That's what freaks me out the most, because I would have to start paying for meds and shit out of pocket and I cannot afford that. I don't know if maybe I could keep my current insurance to the end of the year? If I could that would be ideal. I guess I should ask my manager but I really just want info right now, I don't want anyone thinking I'm definitely going to take the position.

The third option would be get a second part time job, but I'm bad enough at organizing my schedule with ONE job that having 2 sounds nightmarish.

I just want a job that's steady that I can feel confident working at and not have nervous breakdowns or be going partially nonverbal by the end of a workday. That's been happening more often lately, words just come out garbled or I can't find them or I can't keep up the Customer Service Facade because my brain won't process fast enough. I'm p much fine doing the actual physical work, but even using my Phone Script I have been screwing up more often talking to customers.