Adulting is Hard etc

Breaking it down for myself:

-ask manager what being full time entails. I.e. how many hrs/week, timing of shifts, possible raise, how the f does health care work. (I think if I have to change my health care it's a definite no.)

-email job coach and ask about out of pocket costs. Once those are obtained, decide if paying them myself is feasible or if I can pitch a set number of meetings to my parents with the hook of "this should definitely get me a steady job"

-Make an outline for art commissions post

-make a list of ideas to possibly draw for selling on redbubble/w.e



-fourth option being "try to sell art and stuff on the side of current job to make it to july".

 

Now that I've had more time to think: going full time at current job is a supremely bad idea.

It wouldn't guarantee me 40 hrs and hours get cut in the summer bc business is slow so I might be scraping by ANYWAY on top of being extra stressed and fucking up my health care so...not worth it at all.

 

Putting these here in lieu of a better place:

Monday:

-call job person to ask abt out of pocket costs or alternatives (can also email this weekend)
-call sleep doctor back (results are finally in I guess??)
-call billing dept because they didn't send my therapy bills to the right insurance yet AGAIN
-text landlord about any available units in the building (some friends might be coming up here next year)

-rent check.

-find a notepad app for phone that doesn't suck

 

Dad emailed me a thing about trade jobs and how they're desperate to find people to do them these days and they make good money

That would be great but how do I even. Like are you offering to pay my rent while I do my pre-apprenticeship training bc the one program I saw, while free, was Mon-friday 7-3. If I had to work on top of that I'd be out from probably 6am to 10pm every day. You want to know how to make me more nonfunctional than I already am? That's how.

Also I would need a thing which is called...a CAR. Which I can't afford to buy let alone upkeep and insurance.

Idk. I want so badly to not be reliant on my parents anymore but everything points to "you may have to ask them for money again if you want to accomplish anything in the long run"

I did discuss hours w my manager and I might be able to get up to the max allowed for part time, which would at least cover rent (barely). Idk what else to do.

I wish I could be like "gimme a fuckin raise, dunkin donuts hires at more than I make right now" but anyone with that power literally doesn't give a shit

My job would probably stress me out less if I didn't have the added stress of making ends meet

Hell if I could afford to pay rent for myself AND my partner and feed us, I would deal with customers all fuckin day.

 

Spoiler: gross

things I love: waking up after 4 hrs feverish and nauseous bc of excessive gas, sitting around on the bathroom floor until I throw up, suddenly feeling better after

At least it wasn't food poisoning I guess?? But I wonder if it's the prilosec. Rly don't need this. Also have period because of fucking course I do, why do I even take birth control??? My lower body is fired

 

Had a realization the other day I want to get down

A lot of its isn't new but I guess a new way of looking at info I already have...I learn quickly with context. Without it, I learn very slowly. Which is why New Things I have no reference point for are super fucking hard.

I was thinking about how once I understand the rules/pattern of something I pick up similar things VERY quickly, but if I don't know what I'm looking at at all, I need it explained to me or I probably won't figure it out on my own. Thankfully I've gotten better at realizing this and asking people/googling to get myself started.

This goes for video games...work stuff, creative stuff...p much everything. I am really bad at any sort of competitive game bc there's the human element. I know how to learn to work against an AI by learning the AI patterns, but people are always a random factor. There's always a pause as I process when something unpredictable happens.

This is why socializing is so damn hard. I have scripts for work but whenever someone deviates from them I either stop and stare or sort of babble like an idiot until I get my thoughts in order. I have gotten in the habit of repeating the last thing people say to give myself a little time to process it, which helps in some situations but not all. Aki suggested making up a script *for* when people go off script, like something to say to buy time to think, so I'm going to try that, but I probably need a few different ones for different situations.

A while ago my dad gave me that book "How to Make Friends and Influence People" and I sorta shelved it and didn't read it out of spite...but I've been worrying more about my socializing lately. I feel like I just infodump at people without indicating that I'm responding to what they're saying but I don't realize it until after the conversation is over. I've tried to use advice I've gotten, about asking people questions to show that I'm listening etc, but it's so hard to remember in the moment.

Idk how much of this is stress rn or me overreacting.

 

guess who has two thumbs and didn't make any of the phone calls they were supposed to this week

also been feeling like shit (physically) for about 3 days and it might be a UTI

I thought it was just my period and then maybe that I was getting sick, and then maybe the weather change?? (it suddenly got disgustingly humid) but I'm really bad at figuring out why i feel bad

at least im going in to therapy tomorrow so i may make an urgent care appt

 

Spoiler: medical rambling

Went to a clinic and its not a UTI...tho they said it could have been a mild one that cleared up on its own before they got to testing for it. It was probably a double whammy of period + weather change (it got hot and humid *very* abruptly) but I can't be sure. I just feel normal sleep-deprived crappy again. Period is slowing down at least. I wish it would just go away...

I always get asked if I have seasonal allergies but I don't really know...I get that it sounds stupid but. I don't get itchy or sneezy or whatever but there does seem to be a vague correlation with my sinuses feeling like crap and warmer/humid weather? I guess that's not really allergies...idk.

I forget if I said this here but beginning of the year I started getting tinnitus and pressure in my head behind my ears that I couldn't figure out, went to the doc for it. Got a referral to an ear doc but she did a bunch of tests and said that my hearing seemed fine & there was no damage to my inner ear that she could find. It's just that since January I've been more sensitive to noise & noises I used to handle have been painful, plus constant low-grade tinnitus that i can usually tune out but will keep me awake if it's too quiet at night. Luckily partner sleeps w a fan on or I'd probably need to buy a white noise machine. (Bleh)

Also had a constant feeling like my ears were full of water despite sound not being muffled like it would be if that were true. A few weeks ago I was lying in bed and suddenly the ringing in one ear got intense for a few seconds, then there was a weird snapping sound/feeling and the pressure let up, and it felt almost like there was some fluid coming out of my ear. Deeply unpleasant, but I felt better in that ear afterwards? The pressure is back, though. :/ I'm seeing someone w a sinus specialty next so hopefully they will know wtf is going on.

Going to try to make phone calls today.

Spoiler: Work stuff copy/pasted from discord

I got the "I could make you into a good salesperson if you would just let go of those pesky morals" talk :'>

I made that sound worse but like. My manager is a former insurance agent and she thinks bc she took a class on how to have a poker face that she can teach anyone to do it. She's always saying how I need to just make "a glass wall" and not let anything a stranger says matter to me. But like...we talked about some of the stuff I have trouble with but it really comes down to: I can't act. It's too difficult. I can't pretend to care but not...care??

So if they want me to seem emotionally invested in a customer I have to actually. ..be...and then....of course people being shitty gets to me. I also operate almost entirely by scripting and if the customer goes off script I just...freeze or stumble over words. And I get "just go home and stand in front of a mirror and act confident and then you'll become confident!!!"

Pretending to be confident won't make my ADHD-related slow processing speed magically disappear....

Also I just...can't...schmooze

[Explanation of work's shitty but technically legal method of making it seem like you get a better deal than you're getting]

And I don't know how to fucking explain it [to a customer] without it sounding like a sneaky ripoff because it is...a sneaky ripoff

And manager was like "yeah that's business, basically" in a way that's like "you just have to survive in this world and make money so you gotta deal with that". And I'm like I don't....like ripping people off, and I don't like people thinking I'm ripping them off?? So this job really just isn't for me. That's what it comes down to. And I know that. But my manager is convinced she can teach me lol

Honestly it's entirely practical: lying requires keeping both the facts of the truth and the lie in your head at the same time and that's too much thinking for me to do at once :'> It's just easier to be honest. Lying is exhausting.

__________

Tl;dr how do I stress to people that I'm super fucking done w my job depending on emotional labor

It stresses me out and makes me a nervous wreck and its not sustainable.

Like...I don't really blame my manager bc she does value my skills where they are and just wants me to succeed, but I'm also tired of being told that I need to do things that I literally can't do. This isn't me "giving up", it's me understanding my disability and my own limits. I'm always going to be a little slow with thinking of things to say. I'm always going to need scripts. I've been in retail for 10 years and if I were going to get better at it I would have, but I've actually gotten *worse* because I'm so stressed out.

I'm losing words more and more often. I'm having a harder and harder time picking tasks back up when I get interrupted. Sometimes I'll pace in a circle around the worktable because I can't focus enough to remember what I was doing.

 

Kind of blah that I'm missing therapy this week to go see my grandma for mother's day but what can you do

To be clear, I don't blame my grandma--her health went downhill quickly and she deserves to have some family visits. I'm just eh about being in a car w my mother for 5 hours each way. Trying to sort of steel myself for it. I couldn't really turn her down ("grandma is sick and its MOTHERS DAY") but she was originally going to get train tickets and then procrastinated until they were all too pricey, so we're driving. At least on the train I could have done my own thing but when driving my mom thinks you should be entertaining her the whole time and gets huffy if I use my phone or put headphones on.

It took me way too long to figure out that by "rude" my mom usually means "not giving me as much attention as I want".

Mostly I kind of wanted to put my finger on the realization that being told how skilled and smart I am in the same breath as being asked to do something that's extremely difficult for me is actually kinda triggering

Just sounds like "if you're so smart why can't you just do xyz??"

As well as any time I try to ask for help or say I can't do something I'm "putting myself down" and "not trying hard enough" instead of being realistic

Makes it really fucking difficult to work on setting boundaries if I can't be trusted to assess my own abilities. I get that I do have shit self esteem but I also would like people to fucking believe me when I'm having trouble with something instead of brushing it off

 

1/3 phone calls done.

Wtb just one good night's sleep

 

Me: should make a list of what I need to do tomorrow.

Brain: nahhhhh I'm tired. I'll remember. No big.

Me: ....ok....

[Next day]

Brain: ...oops

Me: why do I ever trust you??

 

Spoiler: bleh

there is 1 and possibly 2 friends of ours planning to move to our area in the fall and we were all on board with getting an apartment together but it's getting closer to the deadline and we did not anticipate all the health and job finding bullshit back when we made that promise and I just. Don't know if I can handle apartment searching and moving in less than 4 months. I just feel tense all the time like I'm being squashed into a little ball. I thought I'd at least have 2 years in this place before I need to move again. We haven't even finished organizing everything here, there's still unsorted stuff lying around on the floor from the move. I'm busy trying to sort out my own healthcare bs, shuffle my schedule around taking my partner to their appointments, sort out what the hell is going on w the job agency place, and trying to scrape together some kind of commissions post so I'll be able to make rent this month. I'm at the end of my savings and I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to put together the money for a deposit for a new place which means I'm going to have to ask my parents for money and...Co sign again...meanwhile I don't know if friends make enough money so THEY will need co-signer and their parents can't do it for them...

meanwhile I haven't told landlord we're probably-moving but once I do I need to pack everything again, and anticipate visits from prospective tenants trying to come see the place, meanwhile it's a mess because I don't have the time or energy for proper upkeep

My only comfort is that it's nowhere near the level of horror of some of the places we looked at.

I just. Can't do this. I can't. I don't know what to do. Going to have to pay for movers bc partner can't lift anything due to health issues. In fact it was moving in the first place that aggravated their preexisting health issues.

I mean this would all be mostly solved if I could ask my parents to help out w money for a bit but I promised them I would become independent and I promised MYSELF I would because the longer I'm dependent on them the harder it is to put distance between us for my mental health.

I'm just so tired.

the minute I try to explain the situation it's going to be "why didn't you try this or that? Why didn't you tell us sooner? Why didn't you do this sooner?" BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING CRIPPLING EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION AND YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN ME THE TYPE OF HELP I WANTED OR NEEDED, YOUR IDEA OF "HELP" IS CONDESCENDING AT BEST AND ACTIVELY DETRIMENTAL AT WORST, LIKE THE FUCKING SPEECH THERAPIST YOU SENT ME TO WHO MADE MY ANXIETY WORSE BY SHAMING ME, AND THAT'S THE REASON I NOW HAVE A PROBLEM ASKING FOR HELP UNTIL IM IN DEEP SHIT BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SHAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR BEING UNABLE TO DO 'SIMPLE' THINGS AND THEN SHAMED FOR ASKING FOR HELP WHEN IM IN CRISIS BECAUSE "WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK FOR HELP SOONER?"

I DID ASK. YOU ABSOLUTE NITWIT. I'VE NEVER HAD MY ACTUAL PROBLEMS TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN A WAY THAT COULD HELP ME IMPROVE MY LIFE UNTIL I MET MY CURRENT THERAPIST, AND EVEN HE HAS LIMITS TO WHAT HE CAN DO FOR ME.

I'd like to stay in bed for about a week thanks

Still hate phone calls

 

And late for therapy again.

I was doing ok for a while there too.

 

Got some things sorted so they're no longer hanging over my head. Next sleep test is scheduled but not until July bc they can only do it on weekends and me getting a weekend off in the next month or so is (laughs hysterically).

Realized that if I get started on the cosplay commission for my friend and she gives me the money for the up front deposit it'll cover the rest of rent this month at least. That was a big relief. Gotta talk to her and get a time we can meet. Thankfully partner and I both applied for vendor licences earlier in the year. Have to figure out how this will factor into my taxes. Since friend is buying the materials and I'm just providing the labor I don't think I have to do sales tax on that? Just factor it into my income. Cosplay is a big enough thing now that I can probably just Google what to do

Seeing sinus doc this week, hopefully some answers. I keep getting random sharp pain just behind/under my ears. Ringing still the same as it has been for months.

Still don't know what to do abt the moving situation, have to sit down w friends and talk it over this week.

Reminder to self: ask abt days off (5pm tues, Saturday morning shift, tues next week)

I got a little notebook specifically for keeping track of commissions & selling stuff so hopefully that will help.

Edit: talked to psychiatrist and apparently most people tolerate going off Adderall for a day or two just fine, in fact they only take it during the week and go off it for their free days regularly. Apparently my several withdrawal reaction isn't unheard of but it's something like 10% of people who take it. Thankfully she said that once I have a date for my sleep test she can prescribe the fast-release kind for a week so I can taper off slowly and not be a useless lump. (So gotta email her abt that...)

Didn't get much time to talk to her abt the anxiety crap but sessions are only 20 mins (an insurance thing apparently, it sucks) so I am going to see her again as early as possible. (Which is July...but...sigh)

Mostly my feelings about the anxiety meds are...when I first started taking them they got rid of my out of the blue panic attacks that weren't caused by anything in particular, and also smoothed out my baseline anxiety and helped ward off those self loathing spirals. I've had a few recently and while they don't get nearly as bad as they used to, but my constant level of anxiety has gone up again. I don't know if this is the meds being less effective or the increase of outside stress or both, but I can't really go up a dose without getting more of the dizziness side effect so wondering if there's a different med I can try.

I know when I was younger I was given lorazepam in order to take it just for situations I knew would be stressful, and I never took it because I constantly underestimated how anxious I was. Now I am wary of that or something similar bc I'm concerned I'd just take it all the time, so I'd rather stick with something I can take steadily every day and not worry about it.

 

Talked to friend abt commission, got an advance, am no longer in immediate financial hot water = good

Talked to friends about moving situation and realized that most apartments won't tolerate 3 cats let alone 1 = not great

Partner just got a very serious medical diagnosis that will require us to completely overhaul our eating habits when we already both under-eat due to executive dysfunction/sensory issues = WHY

Time to print out the entire low spoons food thread or something

Spoiler: weight talk

We've both been trying to make a conscious effort to eat more

I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I probably gained a little weight which would be good, but it turns out I lost another 15 lbs. I thought I had stabilized. Just generally freaked out rn. For myself and for them.

 

Had a good two days off but it involved a lot of running around. Tired. now don't wanna go back to work got the approval to see job coach out of pocket but haven't contacted her yet. So much to do and keep track of all the time.

Cannot conceptualize all the stuff that needs to be done in order to move in the fall. Too much.

 

Turned 29 yesterday.

Finally some good (?) news?

Parents said they'd help me w July rent, I just need to figure out how much I'll be short.

Partner got a job. 90% sure at least.

Managed to talk it over w friends and postpone moving another year bc it's just not realistic right now.


Things I need to remember for tomorrow:

-email job coach back
-groceries
-make rough budget
-call dad re: phone, etc
-write new check to landlord (long stupid story, tl;dr she lost a check from 2 months ago then found and tried to cash it and it bounced. Bc I finally closed my old account.)

Spoiler: Weight talk

Idk if I've been doing better w food, it kinda varies day to day, but I think I gained back 10 lbs or so? Which is a start.

 

hate how fast my motivation/focus tanks when I'm in a bad mood. everyone keeps expecting my meds to fix everything like if they don't then they're not working and it's like...no. They work! they just don't magically make me a non-adhd person who responds well to stress (???)

 

unholy screeching

 

Random unconnected stuff

-Reminder to figure out how to renew passport bf the end of the summer
-call to reschedule sleep study

Spoiler: .

Went off the bc pills for a week after 3 months as instructed. Was already having some mild bleeding and PMS symptoms a couple weeks before. Bleeding & the rest of the bullshit intensified for the week. V low on spoons & grumpy about everything.

First day back on bc I'm suddenly in a 100% better mood and have the energy to brush my teeth.

HMMMMm

Would like to launch my entire shitty useless reproductive system into the sun

P sure the whole process also intensifies my anxiety & obsessive thoughts because I spent days ruminating about dumb bullshit I've done in the past. Like...middle school. Everyone was kind of an idiot on middle school, move on. But now none of it seems important anymore.

I mean there's also the fact that this country is a trash fire and there's nothing I can do about it. That's a tiny bit anxiety inducing. Even focusing on getting on my feet is hard bc they cut the fucking budget of the job organization I work with. Because fuck disabled people amirite.

Maybe finally seeing job coach this week

There was something else I wanted to ramble abt but I forgot