Adulting is Hard etc

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    yelling nasty things at myself probablycounts as self harm even if it's in text huh

    I'm trying. Not to spiral because I know it won't actually help anything. I want to be comforted but I feel so selfish because I'm not even the one in pain. Empathy is fucking!!! Useless!! And crippling!!! And turns me into a fucking narcissist and I hate it!!!
     
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  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I'm ok. They're ok. Just. Very tired.
     
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  3. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    You know when you have like 10 things you need to do but you're too dysfunctional to figure out which task to start first so you just end up playing video games

    Yeah

    I remember I used to procrastinate on homework by cleaning my room, things haven't changed much

    There are things I *could* do for some extra money that I could really use this month but all of them are too complicated/time consuming when I can barely keep up w chores on top of job

    Also getting REALLY tired of people telling me how lucky i am to not have a car bc it's so expensive blah blah

    Sure but it also means my options are limited in terms of where i can work, and errands that could take an hour take several on public transport. For someone with trouble with time management it SUCKS. Also that's the reason I cant really do other things the same days I have work bc I'm afraid of being late bc I misjudged the time something would take

    If I had a car we could also move somewhere with way cheaper rent

    Sighs

    The grass is always greener etc

    Job coach is back from her vacation and I meant to text her and go over what I was supposed to do...last week...but she texted me first because I forgot

    And my answer is going to have to be "nothing"

    I need the support but I keep being unable to get stuff done on my own and its sending me back to being in school and feeling ashamed I couldn't get "easy" work done
     
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  4. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    "you're upset about this so channel that energy into getting something done about it, that's what everyone does"

    except I have a documented...disability...that makes it HARDER FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE WHEN IM UPSET

    I had a list of things planned to do today and instead of doing them im sitting in my desk chair shaking a bit and trying not to think about being upset

    funny how that works, dad


    anyway my landlord can't communicate and we got a bunch of unexpected expenses dumped on our heads last minute bc she didn't give us the new lease to sign until TODAY, THE DAY BEFORE IT STARTS and I had p much exactly enough in my bank account to pay rent and that's it. but since our rent is going up she wants extra for the security deposit AND RENT FOR NEXT AUGUST AS "LAST MONTH" TO HOLD ON TO SO WHY DID SHE GIVE US THE OPTION TO LET OUR DEPOSIT PAY FOR THIS AUGUST IF SHE WANTED IT BACK IN A MONTH ANYWAY

    I WOULD NOT HAVE SAID YES IF I KNEW THAT'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

    and my parents want me to "prove" I'm going to "move forward" somehow before they will agree to help me

    I have no idea what would even count for that to them because apparently working with a job coach isn't enough

    in other news I looked at another job opening that...would require 1.5 hrs of bus rides to get to, so that's not happening
     
  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I have slept, going to write a check with the rent I DO have and a polite letter saying we need more time to produce the rest

    Hopefully she will decide that evicting us is more of a hassle than waiting a month for her money (that's only partially sarcasm)

    I'm just tired...I was a bit stressed about money but I was making plans w my partner about selling some art and stuff to give us some breathing room but then this happened and then I became basically useless for the rest of the day

    Because I do in fact need to calm down before getting things done bc if I act with emotion I make stupid mistakes! And I know this!!! From experience!!! So thanks a lot dad
     
  6. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    This whole situation is just really stupid because it wouldn't have happened if either of us had experience with renting, except I've only every stayed in an apartment for a year at a time. Plus what happened in August was I asked my landlord (over text) if we were paying August since we were staying since I wasnt actually sure. And SHE offered the option of using the initial deposit to pay for it, without mentioning anything else. (She did not say we had to raise our security to the new rent price either or basically tell us anything ahead of time)

    If she had said "if you use your deposit in August I need a new one when you sign the new lease in September" I would have made a very different choice.
     
  7. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    ...I think on top of being generally upset, the expectation that I know something """obvious""" without anyone actually telling me is also a trigger. Woo. And this time its causing significant financial distress too, because fuck you that's why!

    I looked at the job ads my coach sent me and the only viable one is a tailor in a retail store

    I dont want it to just be a rehash of my current job (the work is fine but the customer interaction makes me miserable)

    Why are theatre costuming positions seasonal bc I would have gone for that one if it didn't end in May. I need. STABILITY. why is this hard for her to understand...
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2018
  8. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    It feels like she latched onto my degree & sewing experience when I said initially I don't CARE what the job is as long as it's not a Peopling Job. It doesnt have to be the thing I went to school for.
     
  9. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Me: I have a lot to do & should probably set aside some time to plan it all

    Brain: MAKE A QUILT

    me: that would be lovely but like...maybe after I'm done being in a financial crisis

    Brain: QUILT

    Brain: IF NOT QUILT THEN VIDEO GAME



    ...anyway I'm on to the fact that my brain will procrastinate on a difficult task by hyperfocusing on another task, sometimes a task that I wouldn't be able to muster the inertia to do otherwise. Its bizarre and stupid and illogical. But also sort of logical bc it's like "that thing is too hard, do less hard thing"

    Still super frustrating because I cant get done what I actually NEED to do.

    That said I should probably. Make a selling post for the stuff I've finished like the zipper bags since figuring out how to set up Etsy is too many steps

    I also really want a business PayPal bc I hate using my personal one with my legal name attached. Less for gender reasons and more for "its unique and people on the internet could doxx me" paranoia. But I have to register a business name first, which would require thinking of one to begin with.
     
  10. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Keep going back and forth bc fuck I know I would LOVE working on theatrical costumes but I'd be out of a job in the off season and then what :( I need stability so badly, I know that I'd put off getting a seasonal thing to fill in that down time and then I'd be in trouble all over again
     
  11. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I'm grumpy and made bad decisions staying up too late and pulled a muscle somehow(???) and it hurts to walk

    I know my gait and posture are fucked because of me compensating for my old back injury for so long and I need to schedule physical therapy but it's just another thing on my list and...I still haven't figured out where to get a mouthguard for TMJ...I'm supposed to contact my pcp somehow but don't have the spoons

    Actually my pcp gave me a referral for pt like...2 years ago...but it was a paper w a list of places to go on it and I checked all their websites and none of them took my insurance??? And my insurance website wasnt helpful in finding a place either so I eventually gave up.

    My back has been getting better where the injury was but I've noticed the effects that sitting/standing weirdly for over 10 years have had on other parts of my body x( been trying to correct them on my own but I'm 90% sure my hips have been...like...partially dislocating every now and then??? Its painful and feels like the joint is stuck and usually if I kind of wiggle around for a while it fixes itself but it's been happening more often and it concerns...me...

    Now that partner & I are on the same insurance I at least know that I can go to the place they do PT but i think i have to get my PCP to refer me there first...

    On a completely different subject i want to get really pedantic abt fandom stuff but am too embarrassed to do it where anyone else can see it ugh

    Why are you comparing the woman who took on dangerous power by her own choice to a woman who was mind controlled by a pissed off god for more than half her life and then murdered when her body was no longer useful to them

    Like I agree that lady villains are great but no one seems to realize that isn't *her*. That's the artificial diety stuck in a hamster ball playing Apocalypse Dolls with her body so they can finally achieve peace thru nihilism after being tortured for 5 millennia

    You're lusting after the hammy genderless space dragon, not a lady

    Like if you're into hammy genderless space dragons that want to destroy the world, that's cool, but own it

    Anyway how mad would it make people if I referred to every FF14 dragon with they pronouns from now on

    THE LORE SAYS THEYRE SINGLE GENDERED AND REPRODUCE ASEXUALLY SO YOU CAN PRY THAT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS

    Hi my name is Enzel and I get disproportionately annoyed by people projecting heteronormativity onto alien fantasy dragons
     
  12. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Went to bed at a frighteningly normal time, woke up 6 hrs later with my nose stuffed. I think the waking up mid sleep is definitely because I cant breathe as well. I guess my nose gets stuffed from breathing thru my mouth?? Because it stopped happening when I used nose strips. But I've been out of them because I can't afford any right now and it definitely affects my sleep quality.

    Also wondering if the tmj developed because of my mouth hanging open at night? Idk. I guess if that were the case it wouldn't be such a recent development

    Had a trippy dream abt one line of the local train/subway being a water ride so you could lie down and get splashed and stuff on your way to work. I dont know. It would be amazing during the summer tho

    Then segued into a dream abt an OC of mine & a boy that he liked that worked for...a circus? Or theatre troupe? Anyway...it was interesting enough I might try to integrate it

    Time to find out if his gf is poly

    Going to try to sleep a bit more but wanted to get this all down somewhere before I forget
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
  13. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Hips still hurt today but hoping they are getting better. Took ibuprofen but it didnt seem to do much. I still have no clue what I did
     
  14. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I dont want to be exceptional. I want to be enough.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  15. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Pain seems mostly gone today. I guess I just needed to be patient and wait it out. Hopefully the stretching helped too. I've been trying to stretch my legs/back whenever I remember to and it seems to have cut down on the frequency of my foot cramps. I realized I have a tendency to stand with all the muscles in my feet clenched somehow again probably a relic of having to keep my balance & weight off the back injury.

    holding steady at 145 lbs ish. I could stand to put on muscle but its comforting to know that I've actually stabilized. At 133 I could see my ribs starting to show and that freaked me out a bit. Eating breakfast consistently is probably a big factor, as is the fact that I have brought a stash of granola bars to keep in my work locker. I often forget to take my break because I'm too caught up or its busy, but I keep one on me and eat it during little bits of down time.

    Not the best nutritionally but I've been working my way through the cans of soup left over from Aki's dental surgery and it helps when I'm too dysfunctional to figure out food. We also got a big bag of rice @ costco and I find using the rice cooker way easier than making it in a pot bc I can just turn it on and leave it.

    Still a comically terrible cook but at least i can make mac and cheese the way Aki likes it...and fried rice...for myself at least. Spices are still a mystery to me & they won't eat much that isnt covered in cayenne pepper so that's a work in progress. I guess I just have to learn one recipe at a time.

    Sort of frustrated bc my mom technically taught me to cook but she was really bad at explaining things that seemed "obvious" to her so I'd always burn garlic bc she told me to put it in w the oil first before vegetables or whatever. Aki explained that no...you put it in later esp if it's small pieces...bc smaller pieces will cook faster...which makes sense now that I've been told but you know.

    Also I have no clue how to tell when vegetables are done cooking so hooray...

    My dad called me last night asking how I was doing (since I last called to explain the situation w landlord and ask for help) and...idk...I tried to explain some things to him but I'm not sure he internalized it.

    He ended up saying he wished he knew how to help me [make progress w my recovery and disability management, I guess] because I'd explained that when I tried to find someone to help me learn executive functioning skills all the resources were for kids. Or (what the job service person told me was) that they only help you with specific short term things that you need to get done (like...job search) and there's nothing that teaches lifelong skills (which seems like bullshit to me?? But ok) & my therapist keeps saying "well that organization should have the resources for it...I guess maybe not since their budget was cut"

    I'm just rambling at this pt...but the above post was something I said to him p much word for word because I explained to him that I dont know handle praise bc to me praise means that I'm being held to high expectations and I dont know if I can meet them. People have put me on a pedestal all my life and assumed because I excel in certain areas, that I must be good at everything and if I have a hard time doing something that is easy for a "normal" person I must be faking or lazy.

    I should be seeing job coach again on Thursday so will...see how that goes.
     
  16. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I'm starting to hate vivid dreams bc they tend to be unpleasant subject wise and honestly exhausting and it feels like they effect how much rest I get


    In other news I fucked up again


    Also I know its probably just ~becoming an adult with adult responsibilities~ (christ...I'm 29 and what is this) but sometimes my brain feels like an older computer with not enough RAM

    I can FEEL myself forgetting things, I can feel the limit of my understanding, when I'm considering a subject and just cant grasp it, and if I could just devote more brain power to it I could figure it out. Things used to be...clearer...when I was younger. But then again I dont know if they really were or if I just had a simpler view of things.

    Everything is so fucking difficult.
     
  17. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Body tired, brain running at 100mph

    Thanks I hate it
     
  18. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Job coach didnt reply to my msgs until yesterday so I didnt see her last week. We finally have a meeting Thursday.


    I fucked up my leg somehow and idk how because I dont think I've done anything different. My left calf closer to the inside keeps feeling sharp pain especially if I bend my ankle a certain way, like putting on shoes. It gets better after standing and walking on it a while (?? ) but worse if I sit at my desk or after sleeping, or if I put pressure on it (massaging it hurt like a bitch)

    Doesnt feel the way a pulled muscle does, idk if it's a sprain?? Or pinched nerve? Stretching doesnt appear to do anything. Guh. I also put a hot pack on it last night for bed and it was worse in the morning but idk if that's because I had pressure on it all night.
     
  19. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    This week is my one week every 3 months off birth control and blllleeeehh...

    I already started bleeding even bf I stopped taking it but still not looking forward to period

    I just hate this so much. I dont want any of the physical changes that come with T I just want to stop feeling like shit for no reason every month. Usually I can ignore it but having a period brings my attention to those bits and then the dysphoria makes me fantasize getting rid of them in various gruesome ways. ...and even the gender thing aside it fucks w my mood, my digestive system, makes me overtired.

    I just want to sleep

    Been sleeping worse than usual and not sure why but I ordered this reusable thing I can put in my nose to help w breathing...the adhesive strips were making the skin on my nose sore and irritated. Hopefully it will help...(and then i dont have to keep buying boxes of disposable crap bc man they are not cheap)
     
  20. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Also money problems. Hooray.

    And I have to renew my health insurance
     
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