Adulting is Hard etc

I cannot muster the energy for emotional labor rn

So many friends having a shitty time

I want to reach out but I'm just. So tired.

 

Hate this

I dont fucking understand what I'm supposed to DO

Job coach cancelled our Thursday meeting last minute and then asked if I was free Monday. I said yes.

Then she just...didnt tell me a time or location??? So I sent her a text last night and never got a reply

I cant sleep & I'm probably gonna have to wake up in 3 hrs to check if shes said anything bc I dont want to miss it

But like.

Is this me or her???

I need more structure. I need to be told what I'm supposed to be doing, I dont understand if shes just flaky or if I'm expected to be more proactive?? But she asked me abt Monday and I said yes so?? If she wanted a time from me why didnt she ask??

I just feel like repeatedly slamming my face into a wall, it's cool

Have to write the rent check tomorrow (today its almost 5am, fuck) and I dont

I did not make enough for my part of the extra payment this month

My parents wont help

I cant keep asking my partner to lend me money I already owe them at least $1000

I keep thinking about selling things online or doing commissions and then getting blocked by the amount of steps involved especially the whole. You know. Advertising part.

I was hoping the job coach sent my resume to that job I liked the look of but now I feel like I cant trust that she did?? I was really trying not to get my hopes up for it but fuck I really wanted it

I just

My therapist said I'm slipping backwards and need to start being self empowered again but I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

 

Like the last meeting we had was the Thursday before last. I think. And i went out to see her in person and we literally talked for 10 mins and then she was like "ok I'll send your resume to that job and we'll make a time next Thursday to go to a place for a walk in" and then packed up and left. When all our other sessions in the past were like an hour?

Except now she cancelled Thursday and then didnt reschedule and I dont know what to do??

I cant tell if shes annoyed with me for not being able to follow through with things on my own but I tried to explain in an email that I have a lot of difficulty with vague directions and my anxiety and how I felt that the jobs she was coming up with weren't a good fit because xyz

And she never acknowledged getting that email in any way

I honestly!!! Dont know!!! If shes just overwhelmed with the amount of clients she has and isnt organized or if its me!! But either way it's been almost an entire fucking year since I first went to disability services and it's been 7 months since I met this job coach and I'm still right where i fucking started and why is it so fucking hard to get some HELP

 

I dont want to beg for money on the internet

I understand why people do it and I dont judge them for it but I cant. I cant!!! I can do actual things for money!!! It's not like I'm not capable!! But connecting the doing the thing with the obtaining money is fucking impossible for my stupid useless brain apparently!!

 

I fucking taught myself how to crochet and made something the size of my torso within 2 weeks

I taught myself how to quilt and made 2 quilted pillowcases

Instead of looking for jobs

Because somehow I can plan a craft project and find YouTube videos and teach myself a skill from scratch for shits and giggles, but I'm too fucking incompetent to talk to other human beings to get them to exchange money for my services

Every time I try to tell myself I can do something i overestimate my ability and end up freezing up and then beat myself up for failing and it just. Spirals. Because i cant figure out how to fix it

 

Like my meds dose just went up (both the anxiety and ADHD meds) and it's done jack shit for any of this so what am I supposed to do


I'm trying. I'm trying. It's all I can do to get up every morning and sort of keep up with the dishes and my dad told me to go to a job fair and "dont worry all they want from you is someone who shows up on time, that's the most important skill"

Haha jokes on you I still cant consistently get to my current job on time because im!!! Fucking!!! Useless!!! So who is going to want me!

 

Objectively I know beating myself up verbally isnt good but I'm doing it in my head anyway and sometimes just screaming it out loud makes me feel better

Not much but it gets some energy out I guess

Objectively. If I'm actually a valuable person why cant anyone help

 

I made progress when I first started w the meds and this therapist. I felt it. It was good!! I want to keep getting better!!! I dont know why it stopped!

 

My brain is just mush and it's so hard to hold onto things. Crochet was nice because it was so straightforward and just
Do the same thing over and over and over again. It made sense.

Any kind of long term planning about my life? Every time I try to think about it it's like holding onto wet soap. It just slips right out of my fingers. I try to write things down but sometimes I just dont have the brain power to even do that. It's like theres a glass wall. I can *feel* the limits of my ability where my mind slams into it and i hate it so much

Nothing makes me feel stupider than knowing i could understand something if i just *tried harder* and yet I am just. Too tired. Theres not enough focusing power to do it.

Aki keeps saying I should go to a doctor about it. My therapist keeps saying it's just stress making the ADHD worse. I dont know what to do or who to ask.

 

Going to try to sleep. Set alarm for 9. Dont know. Just take the day as it comes. I guess.

 

The fuck was last night even

Me: ok that's enough mobile games go to sleep

Brain: how about

Brain: anxiety attack

Me: what

Brain: A N X I E T Y. A T T A C K

me: the fuck

 

The moral of this story is no ruminating at 5am when you're sleep deprived and hungry

 

Good news is: I have a phone interview tomorrow. Bad news is: I have a phone interview tomorrow and I haven't prepared

 

I was told I'd get a call at 12:30 and it's been. almost an hour and a half and nothing. cool.

just going to sit here consumed with anxiety nbd

 

*Gordon Ramsey voice* finally, some GOOD FUCKING NEWS

Got the call a little after 2. Apparently today was the opening day for the store which is why. I think it went ok??? Going in tomorrow to meet the manager and ahhhh time to go iron a shirt

I haven't told that many people because I'm afraid of jinxing it or something but AHHHH

Full time tailoring position starting at $4.75 more than I make right now which is. Insane. $15 was sort of my wildest dream but $17??? And she said more depending on experience???

I was literally just telling Aki that when something doesnt go as planned my anxiety loves to make it about how I must have fucked up somehow lol

And I was sitting there going "maybe the manager hasn't called me because she filled the position" nvm that the job just got reposted literally yesterday as full time instead of part time, but yeah it turned out she was just. Busy.

Have to remember to ask abt health care tomorrow

Still nervous because I really really hope I am what they're looking for & gonna go read my dressmaking book about pants alterations because apparently that's mostly what I'll be doing...

Hey America it's amazing how you can make someone really motivated to work by paying them enough to live on :ooooo

 

Filled out the paperwork now just need to bring them my ID etc and receive/accept the offer letter. Some confusion on my part bc I've only ever worked shitty retail jobs and they basically either hire you on the spot or don't. Apparently it's not 100% guaranteed until I get the offer letter but probably. 98% at this pt? I keep flipping back and forth between joy and panic. Apparently I should not have put in my two weeks at previous job until that's all settled but WELL TOO LATE FOR THAT, LIVE AND LEARN

 

Tomorrow is going to be...a day

Going from morning shift at old job to evening shift at new one

I'm so tired

Just one more week

 

Went off anxiety meds yesterday which was. Probably bad. I knew better but didnt have the spoons to get up in time to get them refilled before work. Went today, am now back in bed waiting for them to kick in

Generally feel like shit, physically and mentally and don't know if it's that or poor sleep or getting sick or what. Guess I'll find out if it was the meds soon enough. I've missed doses before but I don't think I've skipped an entire day before.

Minor petty gripe: New dose came in blister packs instead of a plastic bottle and getting them out with my fingers the way I would with cold meds snapped every pill I tried it on in half. I have to cut them in thirds for the correct dose. Guess I have to use scissors from now on -_-

 

*very sleepy thumbs up*

 

1. ffffuck Comcast

2. bank account was in the negative for 2 days but paycheck from old job finally came in so that has been fixed

3. will get first paycheck from new job in 2 weeks

4. I'll be making nearly twice as much as I used to between the raise + more hours

5. new coworkers are all very nice??? tiny store so there's literally about 8-10 of us altogether

6. I can alter the hem of a pair of pants in abt...30 mins now. possibly less, haven't been timing myself too precisely

7. Taught myself how to use an industrial sewing machine thru trial & error and youtube videos

8. my uniform is literally just clothes from the store so i get to be Peak Flannel NB 5 days/week which is. hm. ok the money is objectively the best part but that's definitely up there