Adulting is Hard etc

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Positives: I've been doing 30-32 hrs/week and 40 feels. Manageable, if i needed to. Health insurance starts getting deducted next paycheck so it couldnt hurt to at least squeeze in a few more hours to make up for that.
     
  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Last night i wiped us at 2% on O9S because i ran out of MP. Was utterly mortified. When we hit enrage phase i cast Cure 3 too early for Blaze, panicked and hit it too early *again* because i have too much fuckin spell speed, and had to cast it a third time. Everything was on cd and I had nothing left for Earthquake, it killed everyone except Aki & the tanks instantly, and the debuff got them like 5 secs later.

    It was our...3rd pull of the night after like two weeks off because of rl bullshit (our DRG's computer fried, then he bought the game on PS4 to tide him over till he could get it fixed. The next raid night the TV he was going to use got smashed by his friend's drunk brother. I wish i were kidding.) We cleared this fight weeks ago and...idk. i know i shouldn't be so upset about it and everyone else was chill but i felt awful. It was just a really stupid unnecessary mistake.

    Have been trying to figure out if something else is upsetting me and that was just a proxy because ive caused wipes by doing dumb shit before and lived w it fine--everyone has and the whole point is that we're a casual group that is chill about learning.

    I was watching a casual internet aquaintance stream Ultimate Coil and it occured to me that...while the fights are hard it didn't seem like anything our static couldn't handle with enough time and effort. We don't lack the skill level. We just can't make the kind of time commitment necessary to learn the fight because of our respective lives and schedules. I'm also not really concerned with clearing for bragging rights. The reason i like raiding is bc i can hang out with friends and i feel satisfied when we take on a challenge, problem solve, and eventually succeed. I have very little desire to try PF parties with randos who may or may not be patient.

    Being an adult is weird and i keep feeling like ive gotten worse at some things, but even tho my mental health is arguably better, i have to remind myself that i have way more responsibilities than i did as a teenager. I used to be able to memorize tons and tons of obscure details about the games i played. Now i just dont have the time or brainpower. I've probably said this before but i can feel myself...almost hitting a glass wall, or stepping into mud, when I'm trying to do a task i can't allocate the brain power for. Its really frustrating and a little frightening.

    At least with my group i feel able to ask when something doesnt make sense to me about the fight, even if it seems stupid. I learn very slowly, and a lot of the time even if i know *what* to do my reaction times/reflexes aren't up to it. I'm pretty sure...thats my slow processing speed at work, because once i start making shortcuts, i improve rapidly. (It took me weeks and weeks to learn larboard/starboard in O11N because of the two step process involved: figure out which side the laser is on and then go to the OPPOSITE side. But these days sometime im one of the only people in my DF parties that dodges correctly.)

    This is also the reason i prefer tanking/healing over DPS, and when i do DPS i lean towards "simple" classes like SAM or RDM...i like dragoon but i am aware i kind of suck at it. Something about cyclical rotations where you have to do the same thing precisely every time just fucks with me. I always feel kind of self conscious when people complain those classes are boring or "too easy" to play. Like i guess im just stupid then. I know realistically its probably because ADHD brain gets bored when nothing changes, so i prefer healing (react to other people taking dmg) or tanking (watch the boss and learn each boss's tells/pattern) because it offers more engagement than "press buttons in a precise order to do more damage".

    Something that happens a lot when im playing is that I'll *know* the rotation and exactly what to do but I'll still do the same combo twice in a row instead of switching to the other one (DRG) because my hands hit the button before my brain registered and sent "no do the other thing". Extremely frustrating. Happens a lot w dps and to a lesser extent when tanking.

    On the flip side, i was reading someone explaining what parsers/logs are for and I...don't...need them? Apparently numbers aside its so people can troubleshoot what theyre messing up about their rotations but i always *know* what im doing wrong, when i mess up the order of things, its just that i cant always physically correct it without a lot of practice. Idk how to feel about that.

    Amusingly i have some purple parses in Ivalicr raids/Omega normal as healer, i guess because i can do those in my sleep at this point. But while ive gotten over my nerves of being judged by my logs and sometimes check the ones other people upload for fun, i really have zero desire to consistently parse myself. Big numbers are sort of exciting, i guess, but theyre not the driving factor for why i play games.

    Idk where im going w this. Mostly a jumble of recent thoughts.
     
  3. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Unpleasant TMJ flareup the past couple days. Doc had told me to take a lot of ibuprofen if it bothers me but i have a hard time telling if it helps or not. I feel a little better today at least, and i suspect part of the problem is my new headset. Old one was dying so i got a new one of a brand Aki recommended but it turns out my head is super fussy, i guess. I have kind of big ears so wearing tight/heavy headphones for too long presses the tops of my ears into my glasses arms, pressing them into my head, and then i get sore. X.x thankfully the new ones arent super expensive so im going to research pairs that are more comfortable for big ears &give the ones i bought to Aki for work.

    Have regular dentist next week, still have to figure out wtf to do about insurance/cavities/mouthguard. (Sighs deeply)

    Otherwise things are...fairly ok on my end. *crosses fingers*
     
  4. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    ...my therapist switched my appointments to every few weeks, since he felt like i didnt need to see him as frequently anymore, which is fine (my stress levels just from switching jobs have gone down significantly)

    Only i turned off my phone alarm for the weeks i didnt have therapy & forgot to turn it back on and woke up today ten mins before my appointment was supposed to start x.x

    ...i have to call and schedule my next one and im lying here thinking abt how much i hate phone calls :'>

    I keep forgetting to write down his office phone # bc he makes his own appointments and not the receptionist

    Blahhhhh
     
  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I need to do groceries today but now i just want to stay in bed. Had breakfast, waiting for meds to kick in.
     
  6. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Me: ill just go in for a short shift on Sunday, theres a lot of work to be done still and Sundays are quiet, plus time ans a half pay. No downside.

    Me this morning: but bed...warm...comfy...
     
  7. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    >stays up til like 5am and gets 4 hrs of sleep

    Me: mistakes were made...

    There sure are a lot of articles abt how sleeping problems with ADHD are a thing but no advice in how to deal w them

    Also i learned that "sleep avoidance" i.e. just...not going to bed....is considered a form of insomnia...

    Its a catch-22 bc ill tell myself "ten more minutes and ill go to bed" and then its 3am. The only thing that seems to help w my impulse control is meds but i cant take stimulants that close to bedtime

    Going to try...melatonin again and see if i can force myself to get so sleepy that i have no choice x.x i feel like ive been lowkey tired for so long & used to forcing myself thru it that i dont know how to tell when im normal-tired.
     
  8. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Dentist saga cont'd:

    Went to usual dentist for cleaning, explained situation. Apparently they *do* mouthguards but it was that they didnt take my state insurance. Idk if i misremembered or misheard or what. I guess it doesnt really matter where i get it done at this pt im going to have to pay out of pocket anyway. X.x

    Hygienist gave me some advice abt dealing with the TMJ in the meantime (apparently she used to work for a TMJ specialist which is handy.) Fewer crunchy foods & cut up food smaller so i dont need to open my mouth so wide. (Dunno if i can give up granola bars theyre how i dont faint from low blood sugar at work because i suck at feeding myself...)

    Still the matter of the cavities, have to get my xrays sent over. Also figure out what my dental plan # is since they didnt send me a card. Hopefully the fillings will be covered? Also need to get an electric toothbrush. And figure out if there's a mouthwash flavor i dont utterly despise. (Maybe having a few diff flavors to switch it up would help...)
     
  9. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    On the positive side, my paycheck this week was very nice even with the health insurance taken out of it so i think i gotta work more Sundays. >.> i used to hate Sundays bc they were the busiest day at my old job but at this one they're very chill. Last week my 2 managers p much sat and chatted w me tho whole time bc there was nothing for them to do lol. I don't mind bc i like staying occupied & i can work and talk at the same time.

    I ranted to Aki abt human dignity but god its true. I thought i was going to be super stressed about work for the rest of my life. The difference is huge.

    I was feeling a little swamped because we keep. Getting. People bringing their jackets back w ruined zippers and it takes me like 4-6 hours to replace one, depending (ripping the old one out without damaging the jacket is harder than you think. Well, not *hard* as much as tedious and time consuming) also i think i could use a compensating /edging foot for this machine bc just the zipper foot isnt cutting it. Its hard to get an even topstitch line so i waste a lot of time ripping that out and redoing it. Also because sometimes there are snaps in the way i cant just turn the jacket inside out so i have to hand sew/baste layers together before topstitching.

    Anyway, manager told me they had a company meeting and said to just start sending things that are too complicated out to corporate office to be repaired bc they want me to focus on doing pants etc, working on new sales. I had been starting to feel a little overwhelmed and i guess worried that i couldn't handle the workload and just...expecting to be scolded instead of offered help so that was a huge relief.

    ...also i wonder how much of it is the fact that guys get confused by the orientation of European zippers, because its been mostly mens coats and the same problem (damage to the teeth near the bottom, probably bc theyre impatient and trying to force it together). We actually had a guy call the store worried that he'd bought a woman's jacket bc of the zipper orientation. (Which...i mean if the coat fits you why do you care man...) Apparently America follows the buttons on left = women's clothing/buttons on right = mens' for...zippers as well...whereas in Europe they just all use zippers with the "woman" orientation? (So when you're looking down at it, the sliders are on your left)

    I've learned A Lot about zippers in the past few months lol. To the point ive considered making a tutorial...apparently its actually pretty simple to swap the orientation of it by turning the sliders around so ive been doing that a lot bc the zippers i buy here are "mens" by default. Tho belatedly i wonder if i should have left them if that would actually mean less people fucking up their zippers...or just confuse the customers more idk. (Clarification: its easy to do this before the zipper is installed. If its a separating zipper you do need to actually turn the tape around as well because of the little bottom pieces. )

    Overall unless the teeth are fucked up its way simpler to fix them than i thought it would be. (At a certain point you do need to just replace it but you can do stuff like reuse the sliders, etc.) Kind of cool.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2019
  10. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I got a lot of work done today but brain is doing a screeeeeam anyway. Hope its just sleep deprivation. Tomorrow is ERRANDS.

    Groceries/costco/meds/laundry/sewing machine.

    Still need to follow up with therapist about missed appointment last week x.x


    My mother has gotten it in her head that since I'm turning 30 this year, i *must* take a trip to [country the company i work for is based out of] with my dad for my bday. I'm just.

    1. P sure she didn't ask my dad what he wanted to do she just came up with something. (His bday is the day before mine)

    2. I don't speak the language.

    3. She seems to think it will...get me a promotion? The attention of the CEO? I don't even know, she thinks it will help my career somehow because they're totally hoarding secret [nationality] sewing secrets there or something

    4. When I said its my birthday and I'd rather choose what *I* want to do instead of her randomly deciding for me, she pestered me about "why", so i said I don't feel comfortable leaving the fucking country when i have barely any savings, and she was all "oh we'll pay the travel expenses, and you can just use your paid vacation hours!"

    5. She gave me the fucking Rick Steves book for the capital of this country for xmas.

    6. My passport expired and i have negative spoons for renewing it rn

    7. It might sound dumb but around my birthday is when the next FFXIV expansion comes out and I'd actually like to use my vacation time to take some days off for THAT, and you know, hanging out w my friends, also our friends' yearly amusement park trip is around that time too and we missed it last year bc no money. Also i want to go to the fucking beach this summer AND i want to move in the fall so we'll be apartment hunting.

    8. Traveling is extremely stressful for me and also i don't really want to go without Aki and i doubt my mom will pay for THAT. Also if we were to plan a trip it probably wouldn't be in the summer bc they'd be miserable due to heat intolerance. Also THEY need a passport and given the current political climate neither of us are thrilled about the very real possibility of them being given shit at the border trying to get back home. (I realize thats a very small paranoid possibility but we live in a fucking crazy world right now)

    9. I'm sure it's a very nice country but there's literally no reason for me to go there over anyplace else aside from "the company i work for is from there"

    10. I'm low key tempted to be like "hey instead of paying for an expensive overseas trip how about you pay for my TOP SURGERY which is a bday present I'd actually want" but that would require coming out. To my parents. Which is way more emotional labor than i want to deal with still.

    11. Despite all this and the fact that i know that she's a self absorbed control freak that doesn't want other people to have wants, needs, and opinions that aren't her own regurgitated, i still feel guilty having to repeatedly refuse because isn't it a privilege to have your parents offer to pay for a vacation to a foreign country for you!!! You should ne grateful!!!

    ...excuse me, brain, for not wanting to accept her ""gift"" after a lifetime of holding over my head how much money i cost her

    I could passive-aggressively buy her a book on the etiquette of gift giving maybe. But it would probably be a waste of money and also paper.


    ...i told Aki this but im literally still "wtf is wrong w you about it": over Xmas my mom was relating some story about me as a child, and said, to my face, that the fact that I'd want to put on plays for my parents and sing Disney songs for them was "annoying". And then she laughed.

    Did you know literally every report card i have from elementary school says i had trouble transitioning between tasks, i have a memory of getting in trouble for reading a book under my desk in 3rd grade, i hyperfocused madly and played by myself for hours and hours building various things...my mom is a special ed teacher and literally described my trouble as "trouble with executive function" and yet she never. Fucking. DID anything about it except shame me for being weird and "stubborn".

    But yknow i didnt get diagnosed with ADHD until 25.

    Im still pretty fucking bitter. But oh. I was.

    Annoying. A child. Under 10. Wanting their parents' love and attention.

    annoying.
     
  11. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    So much...adulting today

    Meds used to cost ~$5 ea. Now on new insurance theyre about ~$30 ea. :'> actually, thats the out of pocket cost my pharmacy charges...apparently i have something like a $2500 deductible and therefore was going to get charged $150 for my Adderall if i did it thru my insurance.

    I dont pretend to understand why paying "out of pocket" is...cheaper...but i am grateful to the pharmacist for helping me out

    Gotta get my HSA set up because i can use that to pay for meds at least.

    I uhhhhhh. Blew basically all the extra money i made this month on things. Well. Necessary things that id made a list of to buy when i could afford them. But oof. My poor bank account.

    Still need to get...printer ink...i dropped off my sewing machine and if its fixable they quoted me like $200...weh.

    Money is hard.
     
  12. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    asked dad if he wanted to like. just drive a couple hours to the next state and do a day hike for our bdays instead and he seemed cool w the idea.

    I'll be getting paid 3 times in march bc paychecks are biweekly so i should be ok money-wise. just moved a bit into my empty savings account which felt nice. got 1 W2 just waiting on the one from my old job and then i can taxes. pay off landlord asap. then Aki, then parents. then save for moving. *___*
     
  13. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    So collddd

    The windows in our apartment are so badly insulated, theres not even a storm window, just one layer. Theyre SO FUCKING DRAFTY and despite the fact that there are already 2 layers of curtains on each (1 transparent, 1 opaque) i went around putting draft stoppers on the sills, stuffing the gaps with foam, and adding blankets or spare curtains to make an extra layer and keep more heat in.

    Woke up for work and its like 5F out. Should have left half an hour ago but still in bed because. So
    Fucking.

    COLD
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  14. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Bribed self out of bed w hot cocoa

    Im wearing leggings + pyjama pants, t shirt, long sleeve shirt, sweatshirt, and hooded bathrobe over that, and shivering :'> warm food helping tho. I need to shower today at some poimt but itll have to be later tonight because fuck if im going outside with wet hair
     
  15. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    i forgot to mention this but last year when maintenance guy came to fix radiators he told me all the heat we were getting was from landlord heating her apartment above us, and that our heating system was broken and didnt seem to be making any heat on its own. -_- so I'm pretty sure our heating system doesent actually work. so its cold because our windows are shitty. and im in literal physical pain because its too cold i hate our landlord.

    He told me not to worry about it because landlord always has the heat on, and she did that year. Didn't realise she wouldnt be using her heat system THIS winter. jfc
     
  16. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Realizing i scheduled dentist appt at 8am the day after raid night...Nope. changing that asap
     
  17. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Watching 2 sides in my fandom bite each others heads off and...eh.

    Both have some legit points, both are being asses about it. I'm inclined to agree with one side more than the other but disagree with some of their points enough that im not comfortable reblogging in silent agreement. Also not comfortable involving myself in the discussion to clarify my stance. Just sitting here like "nope, staying in my lane."

    (There is an issue with people seeing microaggressions where there aren't. It doesn't mean microaggressions never happen. Completely dismissing the whole thing and insulting someone you don't agree with: asshole move.)

    [Deleted some unnecessary navelgazing and anxiety brain that i managed to work thru on my own]
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  18. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    "its probably true that some people are overreacting to some things here, however i don't think thats true about all the things, and also you're the one getting in people's faces and mocking them and telling them they're overreacting, so that makes you an asshole in this situation. And all situations like it. It turns out when someone is upset its generally a dick move to tell them they're overreacting. Also it's completely unproductive and guaranteed to upset them more. You should have literally just kept your mouth shut and let people process their own emotions in peace."

    Hm. Got rid of all the 'i must make performative support noises or People Will Hate Me' and figured out how to word my feelings on the matter.

    No way am i posting it on tumblr but it helps to have things clearer.
     
  19. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Sinuses keeping me up. Guhhh

    Want this cold to be over. Being sick is one thing but my nose keeps literally dripping which is somehow worse than the thicker type of snot? At least that stuff you can get rid of in chunks and get periodic relief, this is just like an annoying leaky faucet that's constantly on. Nose is already sore from one day of cleaning it. Weh. Also its aggravating my TMJ to keep my mouth open to breathe. Hngnfnfngngng

    Im taking pseudoephedrine and like 600 mg of ibuprofen and its still like this

    (600 for 2-3 days is what doc instructed me to do for TMJ and since its also taking care of some period related nonsense at the same time, fuck it)
     
  20. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Was hoping a good night of sleep would make me feel a little better but y'know. I couldn't sleep much and i feel about the same as yesterday: gross, achy and sniffly.

    Bank credited me for the weird charge but i still have no clue where it came from so im thinking i should call them and ask about changing my card number...

    Looked over the health insurance thing and it actually says "THIS IS NOT A BILL" on the paperwork so i guess I'm...good?

    Gotta pick up sewing machine and Aki's meds tomorrow when i have the car.
     
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