Adulting is Hard etc

Finally got in touch w someone who knew what they were doing & she is going to send my doctor a note abt the whole thing. Apparently the appointment record says nothing abt medication and just that it was for menstrual mood disorder or w.e which is...the reason I take birth control??? And the reason i do follow ups is for my doctor to make sure it's working ok??? So im just. Whut. They let me pay only part of the bill over the phone at least until the rest is sorted.


Moved my desk and have my computer on wifi but...weird thing happening where the lights flicker when the AC kicks into gear and I'm like. This didn't really happen when both computers were in the same room so wtf.

Also the floor is...very...slanted...going to have to find something to level the desk legs with. Still got a lot of dusting and organizing to do...

 

Things...

-laundry
-send monthly check
-check in w landlord abt rent check
-check in w comcast abt another year of internet service
-call meds in on monday

 

Billing finally got back to me after talking to my doctor and...apparently bc i take birth control to stop my (disruptive) periods it counts as "treating a condition" and can't be billed as preventive care so. Goodbye money.

 

I got the new bill and it's...lower than I expected? I don't have the brain power for the calculations rn but I'm not going to argue w it

This month is going to be tight bc on top of the rent going up, we have to pay the extra amt to bump up the security & last month deposits -_- so I'm just going to sit on the bill till next paycheck...

Now would be a good time for me to sit down and try making a commissions post...


Edit: reminds self still need to check on internet for this year

 

Apartment still kind of chaos but its slowly coming together... i took out a bunch of accumulated trash/recycling and stuff to get rid of and put it on the curb today, that was a relief.

Feeling more energized abt creative stuff lately, just need to do a little at a time.

 

Me: should go to bed at midnight bc 8:30 doc appointment

Brain: nahhhh lets stay up til 2am refreshing twitter

Me: why are you like this


...anyway finally seeing psych again &have to explain the clusterfuck w insurance...hooray...i should also mention that not taking the extra 5mg adderall on my days off work is. Noticeably detrimental. I'm not dozing off but my focus is pretty bad & driving is dangerous w.o it.

Don't know if it's worth raising the extended release dose or what but i guess that's her job to know

 

Hrmgfjdh clusterfuck but it worked out

Basically I get text alerts for doc appointments & I got one for my gastro appt which I meant to cancel, so i made a mental note

Then i got another alert and apparently I didn't read it properly but assumed it was just a repeat of the same alert since I never replied to confirm. But there was an option to reply w a number to cancel the appointment and I was like GREAT. YES. NO PHONE CALL NEEDED

apparently that was the alert for my psych appointment, bc when I got there I was told I had canceled it. Luckily there was an opening very soon after tho.

Psych said the 3 month rule isnt set in stone but it's more of a guideline for monitoring how I'm doing on meds and to...prevent people from abusing stimulants I guess. But she agree to stretch it out to ~15 weeks so it'll come out to 3 appointments/year instead of 4. Which eases the financial stress a lot.

Tomorrow need to call billing for Aki bc they sent ANOTHER bill despite the fact that I told them to fucking send it to insurance the last time I called

& pay the rest of mine. I still can't figure out where some of the charges went but not complaining.

&figure out to to contact HR because apparently that's how you change how much of your paycheck goes into HSA

Esp since I have a big backlog of medical expenses now so I'll be reimbursing myself immediately & saving on the tax

 

Thursday Things:

-Need to do laundry (get quarters from work)

-call Masshealth because apparently Aki has not had health insurance since April 2019 despite multiple people telling them they did (shrieks) (I offered to call because I'm pissed off enough that I can handle phone call, apparently)

-pay my own bill because...I forgot...

-if router arrives, set up, change internet plan and figure out how to send back the rented one

(I was hoping to not be stuck with comcast for a THIRD YEAR but lol. I decided to just fucking buy one bc over 2 years we've paid over $300 to rent the hardware and f that. They raised our internet bill again under the guise of the previous year price being a """discount""" which they fucking did...last year...by which I mean

Year 1: $50/mo including rental
Year 2: $73/mo including rental
Year 3: claims to be $89/mo including rental

I fucking hate comcast)

 

Oh hooray...sleep paralysis

I was actually able to brute force my way out of it after a bit by concentrating on flexing my fingers over and over until I actually started doing it. So maybe that wasnt what it was? But it took a little while--so idk. I was drifting off to sleep and half dreaming about...living in some cabin in the woods? I guess. And in the dream as I got into bed I jokingly said "idk if there are any ghosts living here, but is it ok if i have this house?"

Suddenly felt pressure on my chest similar to someone leaning over and pushing down on it, though there clearly wasn't anyone there. It happened 2-3 times and my brain actually went "hey isnt this like a. Sleep paralysis thing. At least there aren't any demons!" And like on cue this shape made out of black smoke with long stick like arms and two glowing eyes shows up at the foot of my bed and begins moving towards me

Brain: lol, what? Seriously? A real sleep paralysis demon?

Demon: *disappears in a puff of smoke as I think this, almost like it's embarrassed. Poor guy, he was doing his best*

Then I concentrated on flexing my hand until I could actually move it. I thought I managed it but then started drifting off again, so I did it again until I was actually able to roll over and pick up my phone.

Welp, judging by how that felt? I have experienced it before. Just not that...traditionally??? So I didn't make the connection bc I thought that feeling was just a very vivid dream. But I've had times where I wake up and do my entire morning routine....in my head, and then wake up again and finally realize it was a dream and I hadn't moved. Or I can't really move at all even though I'm technically awake. I just never like...panicked about them

 

Me: *getting ready for bed, hears voices*

Me: *opens curtains & there are 2 college guys in lawn chairs sitting 3 feet from my ground floor bedroom window, chatting. At 2am.*

Me: hey guys. I live here.

(They stare at me)

Me: I need to sleep. You need to move.

They go "yeah yeah" and...move around the corner of the building....maybe 15 ft away, still in earshot of my OTHER window

Turned my AC on even tho I don't need it just to drown them out

Probably the same group of obnoxious idiots who have been playing loud music and shrieking drunkenly every single night for the past two weeks

Also the other day some dudebro in a backwards baseball cap saw me leaving the building w my laundry basket and literally crossed the street halfway asking me several times if he could carry it for me in this really aggressive way

I was like "I don't know you" and he proceeded to tell me about how his future wife will love that he's good at folding

?????

I'm very ready to strangle every single one of them

Need to move out of college town, I'm too old for this

 

Been following a bunch of ADHD advocates on twitter lately which is very validating...but also just

So many people also have never figured out how to be consistently on time & are older than me and it makes me despair a bit

Like yeah my job is flexible but I still feel like shit abt it and I worry I'm trying my manager's patience esp since this is the second time a customer has come in looking for me and I'm not there yet

I don't really do formal appointments so I forget when someone says they want to come in at such and such time to talk to me

I was doing better last week but crashed hard the past 2 days & have been having bad executive dysfunction so I went to bed rly late last night (stayed up folding the laundry that's been in a pile on my bed for 3 days...kitchen is a mess...)

Been behind on work for like over a month, slowly catching up but people keep putting "last minute" orders in w.o asking me even tho I told manager they need to call first & check on my workload

SIGHS

 

ONE WEEK LATER

got router ordered, set it up, switched internet over, just need to return the old one
finally paid overdue medical bill (-_-)
laundry done & finally folded and put away

the college kids who were outside my window actually left an apology note, which surprised me. I feel bad for snapping at them but I mean. 2am and 3ft from my window.

had a good talk w manager abt everything. still a bit overwhelmed by the amount of work coming in but she said if I can put in close to 40 hrs/week and still not keep up she'll hire someone part time to help. I'm still not sure how to manage the lateness but she knows I'm aware of the issue and working on it. I think what will help is showering at night instead of in the morning bc it just knocks off a chunk of time spent getting ready in the morning. tbf I feel like this isn't the first time I had that realization but I def fell out of the habit.

 

Well this week went from bad to worse

 

Reminders

CALL IN MEDS FRIDAY

CALL HEALTH INSURANCE FOR AKI

MAIL CHECK FOR MOUTHGUARD PAYMENT

 

a friend of mine I've know since middle school passed away suddenly yesterday. Found out this morning. still processing.

but funeral is tomorrow and I really. really want to be there but we have specific things we have to do Fridays that can't be postponed so I'm trying to work the schedule around all that. just.

I haven't eaten properly today so we're getting takeout because fuck it. I know I'll be doing a little better once I have real food but right now I just. (screams)

 

It's cool just trying not to be emotionally compromised in public

We planned this day as best we could but it still ended up being a mess and I'm tired and frustrated and trying not to cry

Rly want to take Saturday off and my boss said it was ok if I needed time for grieving but I feel like I can't afford to. Esp after Monday when. Despite having the talk w her about lateness I was 3 hrs late bc I fucked up badly and overslept. So she had to write me up. Kept asking me if there was anything she could do to help. Nope it's just my ADHD being a bitch. Might lose my job that I actually like if I fuck up again!! Its fine, it's not inevitable or anything because of my neurological condition!!!

 

Recognized that small things were making me freak out all day bc I was in grief mode and it was amplifying everything but it was still really hard to calm myself down

We did make it to the burial which. Was worth it. Saw several old friends and there were so many people there for her and somehow that helped. Just knowing she was so loved.

 

Still need to do...things...

Laundry tonight is priority. Need more quarters somehow.

Going to attempt to knock myself out w melatonin tonight so I can try to do phone calls early in the morning.

I like my pharmacy bc the people are great & they're less frustrating to work w than CVS but it sucks so bad that they're not open on weekends. Bc I don't get refills for Adderall, I can only call in to request a new script, which i have to do during business hours so I speak with a live person, and only a couple days before I run out of the old one bc I am not allowed to do it early. if I run out on the weekend it's a scramble to get my new prescription on time. (Calling it in, waiting for my doc to send it, making time to pick it up bc I get out of work around the same time it closes but if I go in the morning I'm at risk of being late to work...) just. So many hoops to jump thru for something that makes me baseline functional. Urgh.

Spoiler: unrelated stupid griping

I switched to wearing a backpack from having a shoulder bag bc I suspected having all the weight on 1 shoulder was fucking up my already fucked up hips/posture more, and I was right. But I sweat so goddamn much that the backpack straps start to smell fairly quickly and I have to clean them with stain remover to get the smell out and it's such. A PAIN.

I can't wait for winter...I know it's going to probably be horrifically cold again bc global warming but at least!! I won't sweat so much!!!

Ofc then I'll be complaining that my feet are always cold.

 

We're literally going to have to ask a lawyer for help bc I'm completely at a loss for how to get Aki's health insurance fixed. This is just. So fucking stupid.


"Well we needed address confirmation even tho you didn't move and we only sent one notice before terminating your coverage. Even tho you then went and provided the proof of address we didn't bother processing it and gave you temp financial assistance for a month and then that's it. Also you don't qualify for a special enrollment period. So you've been uninsured for 5 months now and didnt know until you started getting medical bills and now you're going to get fined on your taxes in addition to paying medical bills because we can't be bothered to make this system easy for low income people to navigate or anything."

On top of that apparently adoptees in our state are supposed to be on state health care automatically but something went wrong there and my internet searches only came up with info for parents wanting to adopt and not for adult adoptees. So that's great.

 

In other news: fuck terfs

why can't they mind their own fucking business

Ppl talking abt nonbinary stuff on twitter and ofc the assholes come in like "~~you will always be your birth gender you can't identify your way out of oppression~~" and equating gender roles with gender identity

It has nothing to do with oppression you absolute fucking walnut. AMAB NB people exist!!! Women are fine. I am just not one. Like why do you define being a woman by being oppressed that's fucking depressing. I don't deny that I'm AFAB but I don't want the bits. It's literally that simple.

"~~BUT WOMEn can be anything!@!!!~" yes, and? I'm still not one? If you're a GNC woman that's great? I'm happy for you? It has literally nothing to do w me or my experience

These people are just walking talking headaches


Edit: I may have said this before but its actually kind of sad bc like. Part of the reason I figured out I was agender was learning that cis people can experience gender dysphoria (and euphoria!) And I was like wait...people...actually...get a positive feeling when they're identified correctly? Huh.

Women are upset by having a mastectomy when they get breast cancer because it causes dysphoria?? The reason why cis people get upset when someone uses the wrong pronouns by mistake is because that causes dysphoria? Like fifty lightbulbs lit up in my head at once. I'd read a lot of narratives from trans people where it was like "oh I just Knew" so that didn't make it click because I didn't Know.

But here are these people convinced that gender is defined by your parts and your parts get you oppressed so therefore gender revolves around oppression and anyone trying to push the boundaries of that binary is...reinforcing it somehow because [train noises]

It just sounds like a bleak and miserable world to believe in. And like...sure reality is in fact bleak and miserable but. We can talk abt feminism and how sexism sucks without shitting on trans people? Terfs going on about how transmasc people are "running away" from oppression by way of HRT just sound jealous tbh. Like "ohhh why don't you stay and suffer with us!! You cowards!" Prime example of crab bucket mentality right there. Do they seriously think there's nothing good about being a woman?