Adulting is Hard etc

Spoiler: weight talk & dysphoria

So I've been pretty stable now that I eat more regularly bc of a steady work schedule. However, when I started this job I was underweight and that's when i picked out the majority of my work uniform...it's a clothing company &we get 4 pcs/year for free bc we have to wear the brand as uniform.

I just pulled out my winter stuff bc it's been getting a little colder and...hmm. boobs. Shirt tighter than I remember. Forgot that the only good thing abt being underweight is that it alleviated a lot of my chest dysphoria, apparently more than I realized. I'm obviously better off now but my shoulders have also filled back out as well so several of the shirts I have are uncomfortably tight. I can't really afford to buy more rn even with employee discount so I'm just. *shuffles around uncomfortably thinking longingly abt top surgery*

Money aside (I dont even know if/how much insurance would cover even tho that would definitely hit my deductible) I'm not sure what I'd do...I'd need to take abt 2 weeks off of work. I'd definitely have the paid hours but I'd need someone who could look after me for the first few days at least...don't really know who to ask. (I can't put that on Aki bc it's a lot on top of their own work & illness) I love all my friends but they're all busy or disasters like me (I say affectionately)

Absolutely not going to ask my parents, not for money or anything. Just don't want to deal w that. I'm torn bc I feel like I should address it for my own mental health but also feel like my life needs more stability before I do something so disruptive. On the third hand, I've been telling myself "I'll do that when my life is more stable" about a lot of things for years.

 

how come sometimes I can stop myself from doing stupid shit and sometimes I can't

 

I have had a dehydration headache all day despite drinking water & taking painkillers. :/ thankfully it's only annoying instead of super disruptive.

Made a good dinner tonight, I am happy w myself for not being a cooking disaster for once (even tho I had help)


Still trying to help Aki sort out insurance bs. Hurfh.

 

to do list for days off:

-laundry. Possibly two loads, towels?
-text landlord that sink disposal isn't working
-make appointment w health center financial counselors
-budget math for this mo.
-send monthly payment. (Medical)
-see if there's anything in HSA to reimburse w.
-call HR about changing contribution.


Hobby stuff:

-Finish up some yoga mat bags. Make list of materials still needed. (Probably string)
-skirt pockets
-Aki's shirt button
-hem dress pants
-finish embroidery gift for bro
-poke around for materials that can be used for Halloween costume
-possibly brainstorm more organization ideas for the stuff that hasnt been put away yet
-t shirt scraps for rugs should probably be washed again

-look up information for visiting Salem around Halloween time

-Thursday is Shatter Day so maybe try to get some PVP in the evening



Guest mattress is taken care of. Should arrive between the 29th-31st.

 

tfw you stay up too late and get hungry so you have to eat something before you can sleep or your stomach won't let you (whoops)

They're opening a grocery store across the street from where I work this week which will be excellent bc I won't have to take obnoxious detours on the train/bus for groceries anymore. Or plan 1-2 hour round trips while lugging 3-4 bags. I can just grab what we need after work a few times a week and go straight home. (Well, there's some stuff you cant get at that specific store but it'll take care of the bulk of it and also basics like milk)

 

i did...some things...also did a bunch of things that were not on the list lol...but feel better for it.

-we have string lights in the hallway and one strand was out so i swapped it w another i had in storage. sadly it looks like over half the bulbs were burned out, thinking about it probably bc of the power surge we had once. but the other strand seems ok because it was LED and not regular bulbs. new strand is also LED.

-organized the hallway bookshelf and moved the cookbooks into the kitchen like I've been meaning to

-did a little bit of work on the various sewing projects I have sitting around, mostly prepping them

-did some pattern drafting for me& Aki's Halloween costumes. hopefully I have enough stuff that I won't have to actually buy any supplies. esp because i really shouldn't buy more fabric til i use up all the stuff i have lol.

-dishes

-painstakingly made grooves in the bottom corners of two doors so they can close properly while my internet cable runs under them to reach the router because this apartment is ancient and not wired. (I ain't raiding on wifi are you kidding me)

I'd be worried about security deposit but honestly the paint job on them is a wreck already especially on the corners and i basically did the next tenants a favor. :/ (I was planning to touch up a lot of the paint myself when we move out regardless)

 

Did not...get anything else on the lists done today but.. I did cook a real meal and make extra to take for lunch which is kind of a miracle.

Sort of. Overwhelmed by both the amount of things I need to do and the amt of things I want to do.

 

Brain: you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up


Me: so is this real or the rsd

 

Answer is usually "whether or not you actually fucked up the RSD is making your reaction disproportionate so chill for a bit and reevaluate the situation when you're not panicking"

 

Have to remember the options are not just "you fucked up and are the worst person in the world and awful forever" vs. "Everything is fine you're freaking out for no reason".

"You made a mistake but you can learn from it and move forward/apologize and it doesn't make you a failure" is also an option but it's easy to forget

 

Wow it sure is hard not to be hard on myself for failure when failure can cost me my job

I borrowed a car this weekend for various things like driving a friend to the airport & thought I would park at work bc it's free street parking on Sundays and return the car after work. Turns out its impossible to find street parking in the area and garages are ~ $30 which I literally cant afford rn because money is bad and I need to pay rent and credit card doesn't roll over til the 6th and I dont get paid til the 8th.

So I'm over an hour late bc I tried for 30+ mins to find parking (I was originally!!!early!!!) and then realized I couldn't pay for parking or afford a cab so I had to go drop car off and take public transport back

Manager is upset w me and I cant blame her I guess but I was doing well since the last time and now this

I don't know what to do

Any sort of deviation from my routine/plan and my decision-making ability completely breaks down

 

The stuff I was upset about yesterday seems real petty in retrospect

I honestly dont know what to do. I dont know what to do. I've tried alarms and everything but how the fuck do I plan for things I cant expect???

I was EARLY

 

I honestly hate this bc I try as hard as I fucking can and i still fuck up and then i get punished for things I literally can't control

What am I supposed to do???

 

Am now 1.5 hrs late

 

I want to just go home but I know that would be immature I'm just.

I don't know. My "good qualities" aren't enough to make up for my screwups I guess.

 

The thing is I know ppl should be able to expect timeliness at jobs but no one is giving me any help to achieve that even though its LITERALLY PART OF MY DISABILITY

 

I told my manager I'd be there 15 mins ago and I cant even get that right bc th fucking train takes FOREVER

 

I looked it up on google maps and google maps lied I guess but that's just gonna look like an excuse and i lied to her

 

Its fine!! Other people can figure th is out I'm just defective and not deserving of money to live on because I make mistakes!!

 

I'm sorry if I'm worrying anyone I'm trying to yell here bc its distracting me from self destructive thoughts

I'm not in physical danger I'm just terrified abt my future