Adulting is Hard etc

I wish they hadnt told me that times were flexible to begin w it gave me a false sense of security

I was just starting to catch up w the pile of work and was proud of myself too

Then I made a mistake and was able to calm myself down and take steps to prevent it from happening in the future

And then this happened

 

Can I just be there bc being in public transport limbo is just giving me way too much time to catastrophize

As much as I don't want to sit there in the vicinity of someone who's mad at me at least I can do things

 

I should have just taken a lyft and hoped that my landlord didn't deposit the rent check until I got paid again but yanno. What's one more bad decision!! And I was already in trouble so why waste more money!

 

I'm not getting fired at least. That's all I have the energy to say rn

 

So tired. Turns out having a panic is exhausting.

Rly not liking this new development where fucking up something work related now triggers compulsive thoughts about physical self harm. I never used to have anything like that but I guess I technically used to emotionally self harm. I just don't know where this came from.

Spoiler: bad

I keep having thoughts specifically about hitting my head repeatedly until my skull cracks. I don't know why. It's extremely upsetting, to say the least.

I really need to go back to therapy if it's this bad but I cannot afford it. Thinking abt asking my parents for the money makes me want to shrivel up and die because of the shit my mom used to give me abt trying to pay for therapy. "Is it working, are you better yet" god.

Budgeted really badly this month too and I'm just. So tired. I keep trying to put some emergency money in savings but every month or so I end up having to dig into it for one reason or another. Still living paycheck to paycheck. So tired. So tired.

This lady I follow on twitter does coaching for ADHD so I might ask her for resources. It's the only thing I can think of.

According to my manager HR has "resources" too but idk what that means. But she's going to arrange getting in touch for me.

I honestly appreciate her. She was very understanding & unfortunately she does have to give me another strike bc its policy but she wants to help. Assistant manager was acting annoyed/angry w me tho and I'm just. Sigh. Basically I did text her late, because I was ashamed and hoping I could find a spot before it got too late, but she said something like "this is unacceptable, I'll need to talk to [manager] about this" in return and I'm like. Why are you acting like I dont know that I fucked up? Why are you acting like it's a personal slight? I think that's what set off the panic spiral because I KNOW when I've made a mistake and I dont need people scolding me like I'm a child as if I did it on purpose just to spite them. It sends me right back to the shit my mom used to do.

Also I made an effort even tho it was hard and basically got shot down for it so it's going to make it harder for me to speak up again next time for fear of getting yelled at.

Manager told me not to dwell too much on it and move forward but. It's kinda hard when my job is at stake and I don't know what to do to stop fucking up.

 

Like...ok. I am absolutely willing to try things to improve being on time but. Inevitably? Something is going to happen again, because it always does. And then I'm fucked. So how am I supposed to *not* have that hanging over my head constantly?

That's not me being pessimistic, that's me looking at my historical behavior and knowing that I can learn new tricks but inevitably I *am* going to fuck up again because some unknown factor will come into it. So part of me is like, what's the point of this talk? I keep getting told not to be hard on myself and then scolded for not having "discipline" or "willpower" and it's just. Well I can't do both.

 

When credit card rolls over I need to remember to buy:

-tp
-liners
-nose strips
-heating pad (my feet have been unbearably cold at night...)

Need to reschedule doc appt.

-remind Aki

Meeting w financial people abt health insurance is thursday.

The HR thing: apparently I need to email someone (have the address) with what I want to do about my HSA. Sort of annoyed bc they don't have an official form and the instructions were very nebulous so I'm going to have to fight a lot of exec dysfunction to get it done.

 

Heating pad was a good idea...

Some...decent news: financial person at health center was able to help & Aki will have insurance again starting in Dec. Apparently if you have a documented disability you can apply for state insurance based on income which is better than the private insurance their job offers (or at least less absurdly expensive). Going to help w the paperwork mountain this week.

Health wise they're seeing endocrinologist the end if this month & going to ask about adrenal issues bc some of their symptoms are getting extra concerning. x.x

Doing what i can to get to work on time or a little early. Daylight savings sorta helps but I'm still worried bc I haven't made any actual changes to what I'm doing, I'm just "trying" harder, which I know wont last but idk what else to do. Other than set a 4th alarm which is what I did.

Saw ob/gyn the other day & she asked how I was doing & i was...honest...she seemed worried when i explained that i wasnt in therapy anymore bc I can't afford it & said they might be able to to sliding scale payments for me maybe, so I might look in to that. Honestly I'm wondering if it's worth applying for the state disability thing like Aki is but idk how seriously they take ADHD or w.e, or if it would be an improvement on my work insurance. (I mean, probably, considering my work insurance pays for literally nothing until I hit my $2500 deductible)

The other thing is idk if I should ask to see someone else, my old therapist did help me a lot but his specialty was trauma & I have a lot better handle on my past w my parents and stuff now, but he never really had much helpful for my relationship or my ADHD aside from like. Being understanding about it & telling me not to be so hard on myself for things it caused. But I really need some concrete...coaching and strategies I guess? Also all the relationship stuff I find tends to be about how to manage a neurotypical + neurodiverse relationship which doesn't really help when both of us are neurodiverse + mentally ill and sometimes trigger each other or can't meet needs.

Also honestly I feel embarrassed about the fact that I accidentally ghosted my old therapist bc I didn't check my email bc I was so preoccupied by adjusting to new job and...all that.


List, again:

-Laundry tomorrow (Sun). Need quarters. May need to get cashback from CVS and go to a laundromat (sigh)

-figure out what to say in email to HR.

-ask manager abt how using my PTO works since I'm almost caught up & I should probably use it now before the holiday rush

-schedule a time to meet w/ friend about sewing commission

 

Oh...something I feel like I should also note if only to remind myself...

If I can afford it I should probably talk to my doctor about my clumsiness. I've always had it and I suspect it's poor proprioception? Idk why it was never diagnosed as a child but. It's gotten worse in the past few years and like...extra bad in this year. I thought it would improve when I started taking meds bc some of it was tiredness but I guess not. I drop things for no reason, fumble with them, from my perspective it's like I'm picking them up normally or holding them normally and suddenly they jump out of my hands. I knock things over that are on tables etc esp with my elbows. Walk into doorframe. Bump my head on lots of things but especially cabinet doors. Generally poor spacial awareness. Drop/knock things off my desk at work. Spill water on keyboard. Have accidentally smacked/elbowed people while talking to them.

Yesterday I had out a box of ice cream cones & dropped it while getting one out and broke a few. I put the intact ones back in the box & went to sweep up what fell on the floor...and knocked the box off the table & broke the rest of them. Had to sit down for a minute and try not to cry. It's not as if they were expensive but. Oof. It was just the final straw in a long line of clumsiness.

Also in the past couple months my hands have started hurting, idk if its strain from work (probably) but I got some compression gloves from CVS and they help? Tho I'm going to invest in nice ones w fingers because they don't straight up fix the problem.

Should probably make an eye appointment also bc I think I need a new prescription. I used to be able to use my phone w.o my glasses on and now it's a bit blurry even while laying in bed.

 

I took a diff route than usual to work to try to save time but it ended up taking longer bc I forget they run busses on weekends bc of construction, and I went to text the asst. manager once I realized and saw the angry reply she gave me last time and -_- despite the fact that she said to tell her earlier it made me stop and now I'm struggling to send it

I cant call the store bc it's too loud & my reception is inconsistent so I'm just. Djfhdhf WHY

 

I just want our public transportation to be consistent is that too much to ask hrghgh

 

It's stupid because sometimes the shuttle buses will actually be faster than the train but it depends entirely on traffic and if there's a sports game in the city or not so it's like. Who fucking knows!!

Made myself text manager instead at least. Hoping I'll only be 15 mins late or sth

 

...had some bug bites on my lower leg I assumed were mosquito because I am unfortunately a mosquito magnet so i ignored them...but they seem to be multiplying and some of them are getting weird looking and Aki thinks it might be flea bites. the culprit is probably work. gjhghfgjh I DONT NEED THIS

now my entire body is doing that phantom itch thing because my brain is wigged out by the idea of tiny biting bugs being somewhere and I'm not sure where

a new one popped up on the opposite leg today even tho this started a few days ago so im just. WTF WTF WTF

going to try to go to urgent care and get someone to look at them...not looking forward to a $150 bill for some fucking bug bites but idk what else to do

 

like Aki said it's most likely either from someone not washing their fucking clothing before giving it to me or someone's dog (we allow pets in store) so I should tell my manager that ppl are required to have their shit cleaned before they bring it in

I guess I have to spray my poor winter boots now?? I have no idea how to approach this problem at all bc i don't know if they're still on anything I've worn, i put all my clothes from the past few days in a plastic bag for now but idk if it's too late

 

I remember noting it on Thursday when we went to the health center, bc my ankle was itchy and I was like goddamn mosquitoes!! Its been 4 days tho...and new ones are showing up and the old ones are now nearly dime-sized and red and some of them have this wiggly border Dx

Now I'm wondering how fast they start to itch bc...is it possible I picked them up at the health center???

I checked over my legs, pyjamas, bed before getting in but idk if I'd be able to see them if they were there or what

 

Heath center is ruled out bc Aki remembers me complaining abt the itch before we went

Another bite appeared after I got in bed tonight so I had to get up and change my sheets bc I was going nuts from just. Paranoia. Going to do a hot wash of all the sheets I guess. ARGH

this makes a total of 12 bites (7 on one leg 5 on the other) and i still have no clue where they're coming from!!

I cleaned my station at work and wore my pants cinched at the bottom and high socks so I'm like. Wtf. Is. Happening. If it were bed bugs I think the bites should be smaller??? These are single mosquito-bite sized ones but they swell up more when scratched. Though some of them are sorta clustered in pairs.

I need to call for an urgent care appt tomorrow I guess, tho idk if I'll be able to go till Thursday. Mostly I just want to get to the bottom of this so I can sleep normally again T_T

 

I've washed all my clothes/sheets and just need to finish cleaning my boots and I haven't seen any new bites so far... (cautiously knocks on wood)




To do still:

-Make eye appointment
-schedule commission day

 

This has been...a time. & I've told the story enough times now that I'm a bit too tired to do it again. Just hope things will be better next week.

(Bracing myself tho because...lol holidays with the family.)

Have several phone calls I need to make & keep forgetting. Bleh.

 

Weird charges on my credit card. Need to call tomorrow and have it cancelled, mehhh

 

Card taken care of. No idea how the number got stolen -_- I bought a couple enamel pins online from reputable sellers but that's the only thing I've done recently aside from groceries...sigh

Aki's endocrinologist appt is Tuesday and a lot is riding on it so I really fucking hope the doc takes them seriously. I'm so angry at how shittily this stuff has been handled by medical professionals.

Spoiler: stupid fandom stuff, bitterness, the Genders (TM)

Me when people draw Titania with boobs: Do you have EYES

(Edit: I feel I should specify: it's not that there's something wrong w nonbinary people having boobs, but that it's clear that people who do this saw a femme character design and went "clearly...must have boobs" instead of actually. Looking. At the character. )

I know it's not ~~good representation~~ but sue me for being overprotective of the nonbinary status of all the fae in FFXIV x.x

Like I'm not opposed to people headcanoning stuff like "oh maybe this one learned about Genders from mortals and decided to try it out" but a whole lot of the fandom just...blatantly...stomps all over the NB thing and it honestly makes me angry

I was fucking overjoyed to hear they/them pronouns being used seriously and normally, like no big deal, in a popular video game. It was massively validating. I didn't even realize I needed that. I nearly cried.

An artist I follow who honestly has some...really dumb fandom opinions that I usually try to ignore said something...honestly upsetting, that she desperately wanted Feo Ul to be female (back when the retainer dialogue hadn't been patched and still used female pronouns to refer to them) because "there isnt enough GNC female representation"

there's basically NO NB rep whatsoever??? Thanks a whole fucking lot

I hate this fighting over scraps shit, I know the solution is more types of rep overall but. god it stung.

(Also FFXIV HAS GNC female rep?? Lucia is RIGHT THERE. Ironically I headcanon both her and Estinien as NB but hey. I keep that to myself.)

Now that I'm rank 7 pixie quests I just...feel more protective/attached than ever. I figure for example the Amaro probably have various genders bc they're technically animals, and the Nu Mou are more likely to because they hung out with mortals before the pact w Titania, but the pixies and Fuath are just. Horrible fancy agender mischief beings.

Spoiler: Pixie quest spoilers

(Honestly also given how femme original Titania's design is I kind of like that An Lad was basically...somewhat masc for a pixie)