Adulting is Hard etc

No dishwasher but the shower has REAL WATER PRESSURE HALLELUJAH

First week back at work in months. It's weird and quiet. At least my coworkers are on the same page re: covid. I gave them some masks I made bc the ones they had were ill-fitting. Catching up on backlog from March rn. Thankfully public transport is pretty empty. Store has reduced hrs so I'll only be getting 30/wk which means roughly $200 less a month...bleh. at least I get 3 paychecks in July bc I'm biweekly. Still regretting using up my PTO and not getting on unemployment immediately
...I was getting the same amt per WEEK that I'll now be making every two weeks. -_- capitalism is fucked.

My manager got promoted & moved out of state and I feel sad I didn't get to say goodbye...will miss her. Asst. Manager is now manager, she seems to be a little more competent than she was before so I guess they gave her some training. (I like her as a person but she didn't have...uh...great managing skills under pressure? Remembering the time I was super behind because of the volume of work and asked her to help me strategize and she basically went "just work more" :|) so hoping she steps up going forward.

Things are...a little uncertain for the long term but apparently the company I work for makes most of their sales thru wholesale and their storefronts are more like fancy marketing to get people interested in the brand so they can handle losing some foot traffic where other companies can't. Coworkers were also discussing doing local community outreach in place of our usual events bc the upper management response to BLM was uhhhh lackluster. (It being from a European country is no excuse, the CEO's son literally lives in this city.)

Kind of unsure if I should look for something secondary just for security but...going to wait till I'm actually settled after the move. New place is in a more residential area so I might try to sell stuff on craigslist or do a little yard sale...tho w pandemic idk how much interest there will be. (Understandable) I might actually have more time/energy for commissions, maybe.

I definitely missed my industrial machine lol. Someday I will be able to afford my own...



reminders to self:

Spoiler: Stuff

-make list of things for psychiatrist. Try to track sleep schedule, food, cognitive symptoms

-mail in voter registration form (print from email

-measure & take photos of bathroom ceiling fan

-ikea trip Friday?

-do some HSA reimbursement once computer is set up

-make PCP appointment to talk abt hands and hip issues, clumsiness

 

Time blindness is just the worst bc it affects every aspect of my life, I haven't yet found a strategy for dealing w it that works consistently, AND it's not a symptom I can really get accommodations for

Work has been weird bc I've been driving to old apartment, parking there, taking the train in, going back, loading up the car w stuff to move & going back to new apt in the evening. So unsure what my actual new normal commute time will be AND my hours are less flexible bc the store isn't open as long...manager got on my case a little about it & I'm like I understand but I don't know what to DO about it. I made the effort to try to come in early and ended up being exactly on time. (Instead of early). Best efforts always go wrong. If I make that effort every day eventually I start sliding backwards. Cant maintain it.

I will say having real sunlight does make it easier to get up in the morning.

 

Just want the moving process to be over, it's been almost 2 weeks ;o; I think we have maybe 2-3 car trips of stuff left and then we have to clean the old place. (Mostly sweeping/mopping floors, clean bathtub and oven.) Friend is coming up tomorrow so we gotta clear space in living room for her stuff.

Errands to do today & gotta write up a budget. Gotta call landlord w a few questions.

Spoiler: Reminders

-cancel old internet

-ask landlord abt: laundry, basement key, where to send rent check, mention that someone on second floor may be smoking and its wafting down here...x.x

 

Finally found some info on what my foot problem is & some stuff I can do to help it. (Stretches and things) when I can afford it I'm going to get new inserts bc mine are def worn out. And I want a pair of indoor shoes w arch support. I know it's all the moving exertion but my feet have been swollen every single night for a week...dont like.

...also aggravated my back (the same spot I fucked up a couple months ago) and really should rest it but there's still so much to do...I at least got my bed set up so I'm not longer on a mattress on the floor.

 

So the area we moved to is back near the grocery store I used to work at (2 jobs ago, right after I dropped out of college) & several of my old coworkers are still there...it felt good to know they were happy to see me considering I got fired for bumping up against the late policy too many times. (7 mins counted as late...) they were all good people & I enjoyed working with them. also the manager that fired me is gone so it's less awkward.

(Turns out I've been ADHD my whole life, who knew)

Friend/roommate moved up yesterday & we got to meet her kitties!! Sort of. They're very shy so we're letting them adjust at their own pace, they ventured out from her room a little but wouldn't come close enough for pets. Soon...(her parents had a puppy so hopefully they will be happier having the place to themselves with no loud silly dogs around)

Finances are...hurgh. I may actually need to let some of my credit card balance roll over which I've been trying not to do... I may need to start selling some of the masks I made or something. Moving was a bigger resource drain than we expected despite trying to plan it all...wanna try selling some stuff but need to sort thru it all first

Spoiler: keeping track of things

-CANCEL OLD INTERNET

-left at old place, need to be moved: my bike, hallway bookshelf, many boxes of books, metal shelf unit frame, wooden closet shelves, rug, a couple more boxes of kitchen stuff, hanger trees, bed headboard

-need to do laundry, check laundromat by new place and compare prices, otherwise do a load or two at old place

-clean old place (shower, kitchen counters, windows, floors, fridge, touch up paint)

 

the more skittish kitty ate tuna from Aki's hand...(well, a fork they were holding) ....progress! (Since they work from home they're gonna be around the cats more so trying to get them to warm up to one person at a time. They're not rly allowed to wander the apartment freely yet bc too many boxes/things that can fall on them)

Spoiler: Moving stuff

-One carload of stuff left: bookshelf pieces, 7 boxes of books, 1 box cosplay stuff

-Need to bring: swiffer for dust, vacuum, shower scrubber, wood cleaner, plaster filler & white paint to touch up windows, sanding block, glass cleaner, degreaser, oven cleaner. Maybe invest in a regular mop?

-Have enough quarters for 2 more loads of laundry. Do a towel wash & a sheets wash

-still need to CANCEL OLD INTERNET

-budget math tonite

-need to get up at 8:30 Monday and call pharmacy. No change in hrs posted anywhere yet they were closed early on Friday, need to get my meds asap.

-remember that PARKING CHECK HAS NOT BEEN DEPOSITED YET!! Subtract $125 from amt in checking (why is my old landlord like this I gave it to her 3 weeks ago...)

Once everything is moved maybe assemble big bookshelf and load it up to get those boxes of books out of the way. Designate boxes for stuff to get rid of, stuff to store in basement

-find out if best buy is still doing electronics recycling. Also where to get rid of fluorescent bulbs

-still need shelves for bathroom 23.5" wide max. Also box fan & a filter for Aki's room

-possibly sell: rollerblades & pads, extra bike bag?, extra circle light bulb, misc kitchen stuff, misc books, etc

-bring mask making supplies to work since almost caught up w/ regular workload

 

The kitties have emerged...

Still have unpacking and organize to do but making progress.

 

I am not doing as well as I thought

in fact

things are kind of a fucking mess

people are helping just. bad things. Not feeling good. trying to hope it will get better.

Aki thinks I might be able to get medical leave which would be a relief bc I really don't want to look at my manager rn

I guess I was spoiled by my old manager but promoted manager is

I was hoping she'd step up to the role but. She did not. Let's put it that way. And she cut my hours after saying she would have work for me even if my regular work ran out. So I won't be making enough for rent. (Well, maybe just rent and nothing else) this on top of the move and my long term worsening cognitive symptoms and I was late too many times so one more time and she is going to fire me. I did my best this morning. I planned. I left on time. But I forgot my mask and had to go back for it. So that one single thing fucked me over. (Except it's not one single thing it's my whole life i just cant get my shit together)

I know last time i got written up for this i tried to look into ADHD coaching but it went nowhere. I think I eventually lost the thread of pursuing it bc it became too difficult and then it got buried in all the other stuff going on in my life. I still want to try.

Need to try to call doctor tomorrow. Never done this before, dont know what to expect. Terrified they won't take it seriously. Aki offered to write up the stuff they've witnessed w me and I know they've been worried abt my brain stuff for a while I just kept putting it off thinking I could handle it. Not good.

Tried to call my parents and ask for financial help w potential coaching and my mom freaked out at me so that's great. Dunno what I expected. Going to try to talk to my dad instead.

 

I know this is a legitimate cognitive issue but I just feel completely worthless. I can do so many things but I can't get to work on time consistently no matter what I do? Why? No one gets it, they just act like I don't care enough or I'm inconsiderate and just need to "try harder". Can't get ADA accommodations for not understanding the passage of time!!!!!

 

I did not...manage to call my doctor. But I have another phone appointment w psych on Monday so I'm going to ask her about...everything.

(Need to sit down tonight and write out what to say to her so I don't waste time)

...today is off to a great start, I managed to be a little early to work yesterday p much only because of forgoing sleep, I pushed myself to leave early today too except my guts sent me to the bathroom at the last minute (of COURSE) so I left just on time...only to find out that the train was having some problem and they were running busses instead, but I had to bike to the next stop to pick up the bus bc they skip my stop bc it's out of the way for driving (fucking lol) then waited for 20 mins for the bus to actually show up.

Diligently messaged my manager like she asked me to but had to ask her for asst. manager's number when she told me to fill him in as well and she fucking scolded me for not having it. Because...he never offered it to me and I never had a reason to msg him before??? Jesus christ. She's been awkward and cold to me since earlier in the week I guess because she made me cry and decided to cut my hrs but now she's really being a huge bitch for no reason

 

Rly nothing gets me more than making an effort to do the right thing and then getting pushback for not doing something ELSE I wasn't even aware I was supposed to. Like she's just fucking picking on me at this point. Its completely unnecessary. I regret having ever talked to her like an equal in the past bc the minute she got any sort of power she turned into a patronizing asshole.

I'm not the only one who's gotten it either...before this basically she told Asst. Manager he could close the store early if there were no customers. But the issue was I needed to hit my 30 hrs/week so I asked him to stay and he was ok w that. So I mentioned it to manager and she apparently decided she'd never told him he could close early and got mad? And told him there was "so much work to do" and he shouldn't be leaving early instead of just...saying she didn't think of the fact that everyone needed to actually hit their hrs...I have no clue if she legit forgot or if she was embarrassed abt making a mistake but it was shitty and unnecessary either way. You can just ask people to do things nicely you don't have to fucking jump down their throats and assume they're out to spite you.

Idk if I should just try to keep my head down and ignore it, I've been trying to just be polite and civil, I know I got upset in front of her abt the lateness and the hours (because again she went back on what she said BEFORE because she made a mistake and wouldnt own up to it) and that's got to be weird but it really doesn't excuse her talking to me like this??? Like idk if I should try to talk to her when I'm already on thin ice or go to HR or try to ask my coworkers about it or what

Like I know I fucked up and I'm trying. I just hate the fact that I'm apparently supposed to put up w this shit because I screwed up about something. When it's not something anyone should have to put up with.

 

I don't think I'm having regular...brain fog so much as overload? Is that a term used for ADHD too? I explained it to my dad as having too many tabs open in my internet browser and its eating all the RAM. I had a realization bc I kept telling Aki stuff like "i unpacked [thing] of yours and its [location]" and they'd be like "sorry I wont remember can you tell me later" but it didn't rly matter whether they remembered bc I just needed to say it out loud so "tell aki this thing!" Tab would close and stop rattling around in my brain eating the RAM.

Or to use another metaphor it's like I have a full glass and need to pour some out before I can add more water. Trying to make brain room for important stuff but there's never enough to keep track of it all.

I manage for a while just struggling to get by, maybe doing ok, but I slowly start slipping downhill again until it snowballs and crashes. I can't ever seem to catch things before they get bad bc it happens too gradually and I think I'm managing but by the time I notice it's too late to stop them from falling apart.

The cycle's been going since middle school at least. That's 20 years. I'm so tired.

 

Parents have been basically useless...my dad at least talked to me for a while and listened when I explained that the way he says some stuff trying to be comforting is the opposite of that, so I hope he understood...he said they'd help short term if I ran into money trouble & with a counselor if I found someone...they approve of and believe will be helpful. (lovely)

My mom basically freaked out at me and tried to strong arm her way into ""helping"" me by giving useless advice and scolding me for not addressing my problems sooner, which I should have predicted, then sent me a link for some DBT practitioner which would be thoughtful if she hadn't completely ignored the fact that I'd said I wanted someone with expertise working w ADHD specifically.

big old shrug emoji

I'm just going to try to get thru this work week (til Wed) and then maybe look around for something part time. I'm apprehensive bc I don't know how well I'm going to juggle two jobs in this state but as nice as medical leave sounded, idk if that's possible. I might be downplaying it, I don't know.

 

Things that need to be done:

-massive amt of laundry, mostly sheets and towels (ugh)
-follow up w comcast and find out if the service actually got cancelled bc they havent called within 2 days like they said
-make list of shit going down for doctor
-finish cleaning old apartment

-look at jobs
-make commissions post??

 

Me: how do I know if the anxiety meds are still working for me?

Psych: well, it has a short half life. Most people will be able to tell if they miss a dose because their symptoms come back until they take it again.

Me: ...that would explain why I burst into tears while driving yesterday then.

 

Things: still suck but I made it out of immediate crisis mode

But now there's a bunch of things I need to do to deal w the shit that put me in crisis mode to begin with

Fun

(most important is pick up new med dosages but idk if I can manage today...)

 

also making a note that when I do rambling multi post rants it has a high correlation to "missed a dose of anxiety meds"

 

Pastes this on my forehead


I've got every single one! Do I get a prize

 

one day at a time

Spoiler: List

-call landlord abt the smell (worried its burning dryer lint)

-finish painting dresser drawers.

-disassemble bed to make room for new one

-get a plastic cover for old mattress


-make pcp appointment
-make eye doc appointment
-dentist? (feel unsure abt this one re: pandemic)
-energy efficiency thing

-update resume
-apply to that dress shop job
-keep checking company website (position doesn't seem to be posted??)

-bike stuff: check prices on vertical racks (~$20) & ($~40-$50) rear basket

 

It feels basically impossible to do more than one "important"/list item per day and esp if it's a work day....forget it

I'm down to 21 hrs a week and manager nearly gave me only 16 this week until I pointed out that she'd previously said 21 and it wasn't fair to change it on me. Sigh.

I found something that I might be able to do part time but I'm apprehensive bc I have no idea if I'll be able to manage two schedules without getting hopelessly overwhelmed. I mean I can barely manage one. I've been on time mostly but I was 8 mins late one day bc I overslept and that wrecked my nerves...I think it has to be over 10 to count tho...bleh

Manager then told me the company is posting a job for...I guess a head tailor for the whole country?? And told me to check it out?? I don't rly know what to expect but apparently I'm the most competent person in this position the company has rn and tailors from other store have been calling me for advice tho...whew...no pressure right.

Also just bugs me a bit that she apparently thinks I'm competent enough for this but...won't even work w me to let me keep my hours like. Why can't she split them between the 3 stores I do work for, even if I don't necessarily have work to do...its a fucking pandemic. Also I'm fairly sure they have payroll budget leeway to spare where our store doesn't.

Sigh. I would be less pissed about it if she hadn't promised me full time hrs at the beginning and then cut them the minute she learned she could drop me under 30 without me losing my benefits, and presented that to me as a good thing

"You can keep your health insurance" cool that's great I still NEED TO PAY RENT. While our state is doing ok the whole of the country is not and I don't have much faith business will really pick up anytime soon. So I rly should go for a second job but. I don't know if I can handle it. But I *have* to. Just the increased mental burden of juggling two schedules around each other, remembering which place to go on what day, different travel arouts and times, idk if there's parking or train access at the other place...

Also need to call the electrical company to get an energy assessment done bc our electric bill was. Uh. Very high. We are running 4 ACs b.c. ppl with temperature sensitivity but if there's anything we can do to reduce energy costs...gotta get some led lightbulbs and stuff

I did call the landlord abt the weird burning smell and was told they would get back to me when they sent someone over but I have...heard nothing for 2 days. So I may have to call back and pester them sigh. (The number you call for maintenance goes to the realty company the landlord owns so....idk if her employees actually passed on the message????) Its kinda uhhh. We've been living w this smell for several weeks and it triggers Aki's athsma plus if it is a clogged dryer vent that's a massive fire hazard...

Have to do rent check tomorrow or the next day...also tell the upstairs neighbors to stop letting their kid run around at 2am -_-