Adulting is Hard etc

some good news:

Car repair ended up costing half the initial quote bc the guy referred me to a specialist so we're in business again.

Just got a big chunk of money from unemployment bc of a delayed covid aid thing that only just got processed.


Sad news: I may. In fact. Be allergic to cats. Realizing that my throat problems coincided w smaller cat coming out of her owner's room more...and I just hung out w her for a bit this morning and she got bold enough to climb on my lap and I kept sneezing and my nose running...

I will be devastated if true. ;_; took a benadryl but going to look for a more potent allergy med that doesn't interact w my regular meds and run it by my doctor. At least if it is allergies they're manageable and not like...deadly.

 

Yeah so. Turns out my dad is allergic to cats and apparently I forgot that fact. The allergy meds suggested to me are definitely working so 90% sure it's the cats :( something ironic about my whole Covid scare ending up being...this...

The good news is it seems to be manageable? Just taking a 24 hr claritin gets rid of 95% of my symptoms and I was helping roommate w stuff in her room yesterday (where the cats basically live) so I wore one of my masks and that seems to help. I don't have an issue touching them (no rashes, w/e) so it seems to be just respiratory and I have a follow up w doc this week. Going to ask if getting regular allergy shots is worth it. (Hopefully insurance pays for that...)

Mostly going to try to keep them out of my room & be more on top of cleaning. I'm still making cat proof covers for our armchairs (they're both recliners so it's...complicated) so they'll be easier to clean...

I can't figure out if it's country-wide or just a state thing but it seems like they're now giving out an extra $300/wk w/ unemployment? I'm not sure for how long but at least it'll keep me afloat a bit longer. I'm running into the same problems working on my resume that I did when I was initially looking for a job 2 years ago and it's just. Hard. Esp because it's so hard to prioritize bc more "urgent" things keep coming up and occupying all my time.


List again:
resume
-commission sheet


-medical bill
-aki health insurance
-dentist...
-eye doc

 

...bad.

So our building is designed in the shittiest way possible bc I guess they added the front stairwell after the fact and so our living room has a window that just faces into the front hallway. That everyone in the building can access. At level. I put an opaque curtain on it a while ago but now we're going to try to make it completely inaccessible somehow without doing something that would take away our security deposit...

Spoiler: tw for child abuse.

Last week roommate heard something that sounded a whole lot like upstairs douche neighbor hitting his kid and then today Aki witnessed his wife *actually* hitting the kid, outside in broad daylight. We're trying to figure out what to do because there's a good chance they might retaliate bc it would be obvious who called CPS on them.

Fucking hell.

 

tfw you upset both of the people you live with with the same social blunder bc you're too ADHD to keep your mouth shut

Sometimes I just want to eject my brain into space

 

I am...hanging in there.

Calculated that I can get by working abt 20 hrs plus unemployment to supplement if necessary. Still looking into another job bc who knows if business will pick up...esp with winter meaning no more outdoor dining and guaranteed Covid surge.

Hurgh.

Managing allergies w/ claritin and wearing a mask inside (at least in common areas) seems to help. Sore throat isnt 100% gone but the swallowing problem is, which I can live w for now. Going to ask doc next month about allergy shots. The claritin fixed whatever the fuck my ~4 year long sinus problem was so I guess I have a dust allergy too. We have to get some air purifiers now...(Aki def needs one bc asthma)

Of course I can't not...pet cats...but at least it seems to be entirely respiratory so it's not like I can't touch them, I just need to be careful. I really hope allergy shots can help bc I have wanted a cat of my own for ages and I'm going to be...really sad if I can't.

(I'm still confused about how I never had reactions being around cats before but I guess I never lived w/ one...I've slept over at friends houses tho...idk. I guess its mild enough that it had to build up over time??)

This weekend is...finish blocking off the stupid living room window and do a negative pressure test to check for air leaks...

We figured out a couple things: one is that our next door neighbors will smoke weed in their yard and it drifts over and somehow gets into Aki's room, which means there's significant airflow from outside somewhere.

The other is that the "stale cigarette" smell seems to originate directly under our bathroom floor? I pinpointed it the other day when there was a super strong smell in the bathroom only, and in the basement the smell was hanging around the ceiling right under the bathroom and nowhere else.

Next steps are I guess dusting off all the exposed pipes and shit in the basement near there on the off chance its lint getting heated up by a pipe, and getting some spray foam insulation and blocking off whatever holes we can find, since the landlord won't do shit. I'm also going to try looking around the gigantic fucking hole in the basement ceiling we can see our bathtub thru to make sure there's nothing dead in there or something...

I'm just...urgh. we needed to move but it came with a whole damn host of unexpected problems we couldn't have predicted. I can't tell if I'm more or less stressed than before, just... different. I was expecting to be able to stay in this place for a couple years at least but it's looking like we're going to move again next year if the asshole upstairs doesn't. Everything else we could deal with but. Being constantly on edge bc your upstairs neighbor is a huge douche who now has it out for you is fucking awful.

I forgot if I mentioned this but after he screamed at me he...stopped taking out our trash...which is the most uselessly petty thing he could do, lol. The bins are in a very narrow alley next to the house and you roll them out like 15 ft to the street. But he has to *move ours* to get to his bins and IDGAF about putting them out myself so it's really not the huge own he thinks it is. (He's still putting out the 3rd floor bins for them tho. Lol. Also he literally went out and got numbers to label the bins with and only put them on "his".) (Technically by law it's the landlord's job but I can't be assed to care about that...)

He won't make eye contact whenever he sees me either. Dick.

(Not that I *want* to make eye contact with him, but he deliberately looks away and honestly it's funny as hell. If I need to cope w this by laughing at his dumbassery so be it.)

Spoiler: Asshole neighbor update, abuse mention

It fucking sucks but we've concluded we can't do anything but call CPS after we inevitably move, because there's no telling what he might do if he gets really angry at us and the building isn't very secure. So as long as the kid's life isn't immediately endangered all we can do is document what we hear/see and then pass it on once we get tf out of here...and the likelihood they'll actually do anything is...fairly low. Ugh.

I feel so bad for this kid bc all she does all day is run back and forth across the same 20 feet and get ignored by her parents until they decide to yell at her. I've never witnessed/heard them playing with her or speaking to her in a positive tone even once...even if they do, neglecting a 3 year old for hours at a time and then yelling at her when she can't self-regulate is shitty as fuck.

Also it is frying the nerves of the person with auditory problems that has to listen to it all day while working but somehow they can't even put down a rug??

 

Smaller cat settled in ok and hasn't been having incontinence issues so it seems resolved for her (crosses fingers) but bigger cat was having issues hissing and charging at Aki seemingly randomly...the problem is that our place is constructed so that 3 of the rooms are off the same tiny hallway w their door openings clustered together, and those rooms happen to be Aki's bedroom & office, and roommates room (so Aki can't not walk in front of roommate's door)

We assumed that bc smaller cat got brave first, bigger cat decided roommate's room was *her* territory and now won't let smaller cat back in, so smaller cat has set up residence in the living room...but we couldn't figure out why she was getting territorial at *Aki* at seemingly random times while being sweet and wanting to be pet every other time.

(By unprovoked I mean Aki was just walking to their room or going to the bathroom, and larger cat would run out of roommate's room where she wasn't even visible...)

Called my brother for cat advice bc I somehow only just remember he has three and was also dealing w/ moving and territory issues...he gave me some actionable stuff so here's hoping. Hissing cat is also on prozac now but it takes a while to kick in...so unfortunately she is shut in roommate's room during the day while she is at work for a couple weeks.

Bro suggested that bc smaller cat likes/spends time w Aki, that they smell like her and that's why bigger cat is getting defensive. Plus apparently cat territory is also based on time of day so bigger cat may think the hallway is "hers" during the day when roommate is out which is why she is perfectly friendly in the evenings.

Going to have to make sure roommate is on top of trimming their claws & in the meantime we're going to try to switch the hallway to "Aki's territory" during the day, hoping the meds will mellow her out so she doesn't start trying to spray in retaliation lol... also making her some cozy hiding spots to reduce her anxiety. Apparently smaller cat was top of the hierarchy before the move but the dynamic has flipped.

I have learned a lot abt cats...the next steps are "get smaller cat to tolerate brushing" to get my allergies to chill out...it turns out my brother is also allergic but he manages w/ meds, an air purifier and frequent cleaning which was the plan anyway.

 

Have doc appt this week for my hands...

Need to make dentist and eye doc appts... need to figure out which eye docs take my insurance bc old one does not x.x

Also

-look in to health insurance stuff w/Aki. (They got a raise since last year so it might mess w their current coverage but they're supposed to be eligible for a certain type of coverage due to disability except that got immediately rejected last year and...anyway it's a mess)

-try to request their medical records from [specialist]...I keep forgetting to print the form when I'm at home


-register to vote at new address holy shit aaaaa


Projects:
-chair cover for living room chair: like 80% done, mostly finishing the bottom seams and figuring out how to attach the diff parts w snaps or w.e
-chair cover for Aki's rm: 50% done need to do arm covers.

-window cat shelf
(Need backing board cut to size. Figure out how to attach rug to shelves.)

-cat shelf by TV stand
(Cut shelves and see above)

 

After accompanying Aki to many doctors appointments where they were given the runaround for more serious problems, my doctor got me xrays for my hands and a blood test suspiciously quickly.

Or rather, hmmmmm medical bias :/ (he said it seems to be Reynauds but wants to determine if it's just that or cause by something else. Which I appreciate! But the only doctor that has been that thorough for Aki is their endocrinologist.)

Spoiler: Medical rambling and frustration

Finally got a look at Aki's medical records from the geneticist two years ago (who was supposed to test them for EDS among other things and fucked up the physical eval) and the test results just...aren't there. So either they're not listed on the patient portal bc the test was done by a third party (which is stupid and patients have a right to see their results so how do they get it?) Or this doctor straight-up lied about ordering the test for them.

I am no longer surprised by medical malpractice.

(As in, there's an entry for the test itself but the field for results is just blank)

I sent in a request for a copy for them so we'll find out in a week or two...they're prepared to just order a new genetic test themselves bc they have the money now at least. I'm just fuckin furious because doctor after doctor hasn't been taking their condition seriously and they've gone very quickly downhill over the past few years.

The only good thing is that there's a possibility their liver is recovering a little. Unfortunately the only way to be sure (bc apparently blood tests can be ambiguous) is another biopsy which is...yeah. a lot even without Covid.

I've literally been periodically combing medical papers for stuff trying to understand if there's anything that might help bc there's this catch-22 of "need to do x thing to help liver but x thing is prevented by another condition they have " and it's super bullshit. At least there is a lot of evidence showing a high comorbidity rate between all the crap they're dealing with...but no conclusions about *why*.

There's some evidence that people w stage 3 liver disease can in fact heal a bit, they'll never have a completely healthy liver but they might be able to heal to like...stage 2 and maintain it and not get worse. So fingers crossed. The problem is that their doctor basically told them to lose weight (which they haven't been able to do no matter how hard they try because of other untreated medical problems that doctors refused to address!!!!) and that the only other option was to enter clinical trials for experimental treatments.

Plus they keep getting prescribed medication that's like "dont take this if you have liver disease" and when asked abt it the doctors are like "shrug, its fine." Clearly not, why does it say that???

Esp since they're not even 30 and have such a serious condition and don't drink (and never have) and the reaction has mostly been "wow that's weird that you're so young and have it this bad...uh...lose weight I guess" instead of...trying to find what would cause such a serious condition in someone that young???

I don't understand why some people go into the medical field if they don't want to fucking try to help people.

On top of all that, since they got a raise this year we have to figure out if they're going to get bumped out of their healthcare insurance bracket or not. *supposedly* the state gives you a discount if you have a documented disability but when they tried applying for it they got rejected immediately and I haven't had time to investigate what that's about. (Probably like how they auto reject ppl for SSI and you are basically expected to have to repeal bc they are trying to weed put people who will give up the first time. Fuckers.)

And our state arguably has the best health insurance system in the country. Low bar.

I'm p much coping w the current us political situation by 1. Screaming internally constantly 2. Periodically checking my voter registration and 3. Not talking about it on social media bc I will probably lose it. The only thing I can hold on to is that our state laws will override most of any bullshit the federal govt can pull (like repealing marriage) but it's still going to be fucking awful for everybody else.

 

Cat update...

Spoiler: May be long

So unfortunately my brother's advice turned out to be a bad idea, and not his fault but he thought from the description the cat was being territorial, but apparently it's that she's just terrified of everything all the time and Aki got the brunt of it just bc they're home all the time/their room is closer. So now the cat is extra scared of Aki bc they hissed back at her when she hissed at them and we have to start over...

Unfortunately this seems to be the result of 1. Extremely poor socialization and 2. Unfortunately, her owner has some serious mental health issues and we suspect that because the move was hard on her, she's been in a low/bad mood a lot and the cat thinks we (roommates) are the cause. (She's been hissing at me as well but not as bad.) So the cat is mirroring her owner's emotions/trying to protect her from "bad people". :( Aki tried talking to roommate abt expediting getting a therapist & she just got a new PCP so hopefully they can refer her...she's tapering off one med rn that she was given by a psychiatrist who didn't believe she had mania (wtf?) so hopefully a new doctor can give her something that actually helps.

Next step w cat is to get her used to us bc the reason the smaller cat warmed up to us I think is that she was slightly more brave and came out more. Unfortunately since we all have Issues (tm) we're still fixing up the apartment/changing furniture around despite moving in June so we suspect the fact that the place looks different every time the cat has the courage to come out is also stressing her out.

It just sucks bc the layout means that the area right outside roommate's door gets the most traffic bc everyone has to go thru the kitchen to get to the bathroom. So it's very hard to let the cat get used to venturing out without making her feel trapped by our daily routines.

The other day she did hiss at me (was lying on the kitchen floor when I came out to use the bathroom, lifted her head but didn't get up, did puff up slightly. She seems to not ever put her ears back even when upset so her body language can be hard to read.) so I went and got the bag of treats i got for the other cat and she noticed, calmed down and came over and ate a couple when I put them on the floor for her. Which is a good sign bc her owner said she wasn't food motivated before. (I think she might be jealous the other cat has been getting wet food tbh so she's going to start being fed that too... honestly they both should have been getting wet food from the beginning but...)

Aki did say not to do that next time she hisses but to only offer treats when she's *not* being hostile or else she'll come to associate hissing with getting treats so going to do that from now on.

Apparently roommate is going home for Thanksgiving (8+ hr drive) so we may have an opportunity to bond w cat then as well...I'm hoping we see improvement before that at least.

 

Is my dysphoria getting worse or am I just more aware of it?

Spoiler: Contains weight talk, body image stuff

Am finally settled at a comfortable weight at ~170 which. Being just shy of 5' 10" is perfectly fine! That doesn't bother me, but the fact is it's all in my chest and ass, and the latter wouldn't bug me so much if the former didn't exist. (Though the latter does make it a huge pain to find pants that fit. For work uniform I have to wear the clothes we sell and I've gone up 3 pants sizes since I started working here, and my size is now basically the largest one in women's they have, which means it's not always in stock in every color/style. Also its literally just to be able to get it over my hips, I end up having to take in the waist itself. Mens pants are worse bc I have to go up and extra size and then heavily modify to make them comfortable. The only bonus is that I get paid for the time spent altering my own uniform bc its literally my job...)

I realized I'm back to wearing baggy clothes and it's 1000% due to dysphoria. (I mean also the fact that I have wide shoulders and it's so damn hard to find shirts that fit too) When I was underweight due to meds it wigged me out to be able to see my ribs, but I was also down to a b cup and could more or less obscure my chest with a sports bra. Now I'm back to...(double checks) DD. Possibly an E. Christ. No wonder I'm miserable. I think the temporary relief from the dysphoria despite the other downsides made it hit me harder when it came back...I find myself thinking about top surgery a lot more frequently.

Its somehow...i dont know. I feel like shit complaining about it because I know a whole lot of femme people would love my "figure" but being agender and ace I just. Hate it!!! I would love to give my shape to someone who would love and appreciate it!! I did not sign up for this!! In fact I find it viscerally horrifying that I could be "traditionally sexy"!! no thanks. I'm happy w my face and my height...and my voice I guess (I'm neutral on it, it's just there) but I would literally do anything to not have """"curves"""". Urgh.

I just feel selfish for thinking about it so much with all the other shit going on in the world but I basically had a breakdown the other week when I was sorting stuff in my room, I forget if I mentioned it and am too lazy to check...I found all the material I bought for some cosplays I really wanted to do but was putting off until top surgery since the materials were expensive and I wasnt sure how different my measurements would be in a binder vs actually having them off. And it hit me that I'm probably not being to be getting it within the next 5 years if things don't turn around next month. This year. I don't know. I'm just lucky my dysphoria doesn't make me suicidal but I hate it so much. It *does* make me miserable. I spent days modifying a shirt to fit me so it would flatten out my silhouette...

Realized part of the reason I probably like to draw a certain OC of mine so much is bc they basically have my ideal body type...projects all my nbi feels onto them...feel guilty having an nbi character that isn't "human" and can change form but lbr its wish fulfillment.

Tried to take a selfie of my hair (trimmed it) and wearing a rainbow tank top but couldn't get an angle that made my chest look flat so I deleted them all...too tired to go put on my binder that probably doesn't fit anymore just for a selfie when I usually hate taking selfies.

Idk everything is just so messy rn...asshole neighbor continues to asshole...I got so angry at him the other day I had to legitimately try very hard not to start a fight with him. (He drives a stupidly large SUV and honked at me for temp parking close to the driveway entrance to unload my fuckin groceries instead of all the way up the street, since the street spots are always taken bc of the nearby restaurant whose parking lot is now their outdoor dining area. Anyway he refused to pull in until I moved even tho he had plenty of fuckin space. Douche.)

The kicker is that each apartment is supposed to get a space in the driveway and Aki gave him their number when we first moved in to coordinate that, but not once has he ever made an effort to communicate and instead honks and screams at people for using the driveway. Lol. I just can't get over what an incredible tool this man is. Even overheard him respond to his small daughter excitedly welcoming him home with the biggest exasperated sigh.

If he doesn't leave we're going to have to move again next year.

 

The train decided to break down so now I'm out $25 for the cab I had to take to work so that's cool. (SHRIEKS) (We were stuck in one place for basically an hour and my boss basically told me I had to take a cab or else)

also the car is being weird again so I have to call the repair guys and ask them abt bringing it back to see if they missed something or if it's a problem that got covered up by the other very obvious problem...ugh

...on top of that just found out that our city, which had lifted a lot of parking restrictions due to Covid, is reinstating some of them so now both roommate and I need to figure out where the hell we're going to park overnight for 4 months during the winter... bc asshole neighbor refuses to communicate despite the fact that we are ALLOWED TO PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY as per the lease.

There's some thing abt how you can get a free permit to park in a "municipal lot" overnight during the winter, but it also says you have to leave by 7am which is like. What if the lot isn't close to you? How tf are you supposed to get to your car and move it by 7am...without a car??

Going to try to early vote this wk.

 

Hope to get the results for the blood test/hand xrays they took soon...I fucked up my right ring finger yesterday somehow and the bottom joint still hurts.

Early voting done. Now for anxiety.

Spoiler: cat update

Things are...ok-ish? Bigger cat has not done any more charging. She's hissed at both Aki and I periodically but will calm down if we crouch and talk to her for a bit. Starting to suspect it's either a neurological issue or that she might be in pain somehow, because it seems to be caused by her being disoriented? She's a bit wobbly and always looks confused. I was petting her the other day and she was in a normal cat sitting position but swaying side to side slightly. It could be nerves but...she doesn't flinch when petted at all which is odd, but it could be some sort of chronic issue where touching her doesn't really affect it...regardless, she needs another vet visit soon. Apparently her blood work was ok but they could have missed something.

Basically did a lot of reading on various subjects and pain/annoyance is the most likely cause of hissing without the ears going back...plus apparently she's never has much interest in actively playing, (which is partially why she and the other cat don't really get along, since other cat is very energetic) So it's very possible she's had a chronic issue that she's been hiding bc cats, but the move really put her out of her comfort zone and she's showing more signs now bc she's extra stressed.

Spoiler: stuff

-do rent math

-call car repair guys
-dentist
-eye doc
-medical bills
-Aki insurance

-cat shelf: cover screws on the back w/ foam. Make pilot holes all around.
-cat shelf #2: cut shelves. Need material to cover it w.

 

Basically ignoring the fact that Monday exists as a concept right now

Like I want to believe things will get better but regardless of the election outcome things are about to get worse. What the outcome determines is whether that's only short term or if it's long term.

I'm just indulging in escapism as much as possible rn and even then my brain fog has been...bad...idk it's probably stress but somehow I also feel like I'm not upset *enough* which I know is stupid. I'm pretty goddamn distressed!!!!

 

Rent is sorted, have appointment w/ car mechanic Thursday...still need to make eye/dentist appointments and sort out insurance. Wondering if I should just go to Costco for an eye exam and use my HSA for the cost or actually try to find an eye doc who takes my insurance. Need to pay a medical bill as soon as I get paid Thursday. But the list is feeling more manageable. Holding on to that bc this week is going to be...something.

(My brain is so scrambled I thought the election was today instead of Tuesday. So more waiting. Hurgh...)

I did get the blood test results but keep forgetting to look at them myself. But I guess they didn't find anything. Which is whatever but...I wasn't really expecting anything. Sigh. I gotta try compression socks bc the minute it got cold out I got chilblains again...I'm p sure that in addition to Reynauds I have some sort of joint issue but I guess it's just my mild hypermobility coupled with an RSI like I thought...and considering Aki had to fight tooth and nail to get serious hypermobility acknowledged at all idk if there's anything that can rly be done that I'm not already doing. (compression gloves & trying to rest my hands when I can...) I guess I was hoping for some advice on how to reduce the strain my job puts on my finger joints. (SHRUGS LOUDLY) At least its not arthritis...?

Cat update: big cat seems to be improving slowly, apparently prozac takes 2 months to really start working so we're finally coming up on that in the next few weeks...frequency of hissing has reduced and on Halloween we were all watching movies in the living room and she came in and sat down and just purred loudly for an hour so. That's good. She also has been more tolerant of people walking near her & not fleeing immediately.

 

puts face in pillow and SCREAMS

I have not...slept well the past 2 days

Only small blessing is that my manager despite previous assholery is lgbt & told me to stay home from work yesterday & today bc I take public transport & I was worried bc last time there was a protest they shut down the trains. Going in this weekend instead to make up the hrs.

I've been...trying to function but didn't do much yesterday. Understandable I guess. Going to go back to sleep for a bit (if i can...was dumb and took my meds when i woke up w.o thinking it thru) then shower & see if i can distract myself w productivity somehow...

...my mom kept calling me but I didn't pick up bc I just couldn't deal w her at the time. Turns out it wasn't abt the election really....she was upset I didn't call her for her bday. (It was Saturday.) I...do feel a little bad abt it but at the same time...I'm sorry but you've had almost 70 birthdays and right now my future and the future of a lot of people I care abt is in serious fucking jeopardy, I'm a LITTLE bit distracted. I resisted the urge to be snarky despite the fact that she was snarky at me first (-_-) and just apologized...I guess I will try to call her today once I'm rested to placate her...I'm just...rly done bc if we had a better relationship I'd be more sympathetic but as it is she still expects me to be responsible for her emotions...when I'm the one in actual literal danger rn. Not the woman w a steady job and a husband making 6 figures. (Yes, I am being a bit shitty about this bc she is a teacher and probably at higher Covid risk than me working in retail, but also she could retire if she really wanted to, except that she wants to be able to have a summer house. :/) And I'm dealing w the reality that if the ACA is trashed I might lose my access to meds that keep me functioning and my partner definitely won't be able to get healthcare bc both of us have multiple preexisting conditions. And while my parents *might* bail me out short term, idk if they would indefinitely, and I spent so long trying not to be financially dependent on them bc it allowed them to manipulate me. Not to mention my mom won't lift a finger to help Aki bc she's a petty bitch.

I take car to the mechanic tomorrow & am crossing fingers that its something smaller...cursory googling suggests it may be either the fuel injectors or a spark plug or something & those fixes are roughly $100-$150 so just hoping its something like that.

I got extra hrs next week (almost 30) which would be nice except its because we're doing store inventory and they need extra hands. So I need to check w manager abt what she thinks my hrs will look like after that...bc I won't be able to claim unemployment anymore. Resume is almost done at least. Once it is I was gonna try calling the place I was looking at bc their job posting is still up so it's possible there's still an opening... (it is an independent business w their own website so I am braced for the possibility of them just not updating the website but) I need to make some business cards...was talking to my bro abt stuff and he was saying I should at least have one to give to people so that I can start building up a customer base for myself independently. It does actually make some sense bc apparently most tailors (who are usually working at dry cleaners) will refuse anything more complicated than a pants hem. I try to remember the fact that I took in a dress for my old roommate once bc she took it to a tailor and they told her it was too complex. It took me 2 hrs. It's a bit sad honestly? Like it really is a skill not many people have anymore. I guess I find it weird bc I know a lot of people in cosplay circles but I guess not many of them try to do stuff professionally so the pool of talent is still small? Some of it I think is also the fact that my bg with costumes means if I run into something I don't know how to do, my first thought is to look it up and figure it out rather than just go "sorry can't do that". Idk.

I did...find an eye doctor nearby that looks promising and takes my insurance. Was checking google reviews and they were all v positive except one, and when reading it I realized the lady is just mad bc she's entitled & racist (one of the doctors there seems to be Indian) so her opinion should be disregarded...lol. (legit her complaint was that she was "treated badly" because her insurance didn't cover designer frames.) So going to try to call for an appointment bc the coating on my lenses is finally flaking off. I do have a spare pair but they have no anti glare on them so they're only good temporarily & I think my prescription changed anyway...

 

My mom texted my sister to complain about me but accidentally sent it to me instead and I'm ruminating over whether I should just ignore it or reply with something extremely passive-aggressive in response

(Legitimately what she's upset about is...she told me not to freak out about the election when I expressed that I was upset. And ASSUMED I didn't go to work bc I was having a mental breakdown or something and not because I made a practical decision based on our extremely precarious political climate. Attempted to explain to her why telling someone not to worry about something immensely worrying is in fact invalidating their feelings. She took offense to this I guess. Because she's...mad that I accepted money from her when I was struggling financially but don't like her approach when it comes to emotional matters? Bc I guess because she gave me money I have to let her steamroll me emotionally whenever she wants? LMAO)

Spoiler: I so badly want to send this in reply

1. You may want to double check who you're texting :)

2. I thought we reached an understanding? But I guess not, so I will try to explain as clearly as possible.

-You had the ability to fix things for me when I was having a monetary problem. Thank you!! It was helpful!! I am glad I didn't get evicted!

-Telling me to flip a non-existent switch and turn off my emotions about something extremely serious is *not* helpful! Because that is a thing that isn't possible! That's the difference!

-"not letting it get to you" and genuinely healthy coping mechanisms are two different things. I have been to therapy, which teaches you coping mechanisms. You have not been to therapy. I think I may know a bit more about genuinely healthy coping mechanisms.


when you want to help someone, you have to listen to them and let them tell you what they actually need.

If they say "actually, the thing you're doing is not helpful, can you please do this other thing instead?" And you go "oh I see, you just won't let me help you!!!" you are demonstrating that you think your feelings are more important than the end result (the person who needs help getting the help they need.)

This may be the reason you find it difficult to understand why I can be so "patient" with [elderly relative with dementia]. I don't need to be thanked for giving someone the support they need. If the satisfaction of doing the right thing isn't enough for you, then perhaps your reasons for wanting to help aren't as altruistic as you thought.

I hope this was informative, because I'm really not sure what's not clear. Good to know you badmouth me behind my back tho, really makes me feel like your support is genuine and not conditional.

 

Managed to get all that out of my system by typing it and not send anything...still debating what to do :/

 

Me, as a child/young adult: /makes a mistakes, has emotions, struggles, shows ADHD symptoms
My Mother: I'm upset and it's all your fault for not being a perfect normal child!

Me, as an adult: I'm upset!
My Mother: Stop being upset because you being upset makes me sad!! :(
Me: ok, that's kind of messed up? A bad thing happened and I'm allowed to be upset.
My Mother: Why don't you ever care about my feelings!? You should just not tell me when you're upset because it upsets ME. Why don't you talk to me anymore??
Me: [slowly turns and looks at camera]

 

Spoiler: US election

allowing myself to feel the tiniest bit of hope.

I know even if 45 gets the boot that the work isn't over. But I was genuinely overwhelmed with despair over how fucked up everything is...this solidified how many people are out there doing the hard work every day against all odds. The fact that we *could* win while the opposition tries to hamstring us at every turn.

I still need to get myself back on my feet financially and otherwise. So in the meantime I'm listening and learning. I can handle the fact that there's a long road ahead as long as I know we're moving forward.

 

Have not rly been getting more than 5 hrs sleep a night all week bc I'm too wired to go to bed hurgh. Feels like I'm still coming down off the adrenaline...I'm not brain foggy exactly but my executive dysfunction off meds is like. Completely shot. (And unfortunately my meds have worn off by bedtime ofc)


...turns out the car problem is transmission-related (ugh) and the guy who looked at it said I should see an actual expert about it so now I gotta..
Find specifically a transmission repair place in my area....sighs...he was very helpful and showed me this cool thing where you can plug this device into the car computer and it scans them for error codes. So I have a code for the specific part that's malfunctioning so that should make things a lot easier to address...and cursory googling said it might not be too expensive...fingers crossed.