Adulting is Hard etc

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    just found out that while the covid test u took in August was free, they're charging me $100 for the special clinic visit I had to go to in order to be allowed to go back to work

    :)

    at least there's plenty in my hsa to cover it now...

    dentist tomorrow and gotta make...phone calls...nervous abt going for an eye appointment too but its getting to the point where I really need a new prescription bc I have a hard time driving at night x.x
     
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  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    sorting things out for my brain...


    car situation: weird. I finally took it to a transmission specialist & he said initially it was looking like $3000 just to dismantle it and look inside to figure out what's wrong. Discussed w/ Aki and we were like "well the car is old enough that much money to fix it might not be worth it..." so I went to go pick it up instead. and the mechanic said to me he tried a couple minor things and to tell him if it worked by some miracle and he wasn't charging me. (replaced the transmission fluid and patched a leak i guess?) And...its been running fine since...i gotta call him and follow up bc he said to bring it back after driving it a bit so he can make sure the leak was properly fixed. So. fingers crossed???

    I attempted to re fill the coolant myself and was a dumbass and didn't have a funnel so it kinda splashed around the reservoir...I've learned my lesson...I poured a bunch of water on the stuff that dripped on the ground in hopes of diluting it bc I know that shit is like. horrifically toxic. D: cars are...difficult. but necessary...

    money looking...not great this month...but...I've been practicing my digital art and I think I might be able to handle commissions...maybe...

    tomorrow:
    -keep cleaning/organizing
    -do dishes
    -help aki put up shelves
    -call eye doc and make appointment
    -call car repair guy
    -possibly go pick up laundry and drop off bed frame
    -pick up meds


    -figure out medical bills
    -Aki's medical bills
    -health insurance
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2020
  3. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    /looks at the list

    h-hmm...

    (lmao go me I forgot to go to the pharmacy Friday and now its closed so I have to ration the Adderall I have til Monday...thankfully(?) I missed a few doses previously so I can do that...)

    also hard to feel accomplished when I did do cleaning and dishes but there is still...more of those to do...

    at least i am taking the car in Monday for the follow up repair & hopefully it'll only be $250 like the guy said sobs. he said it won't permanently fix the problem (only the $3k repair would) but it might buy us some 6 mo. to a year.

    so need to remember to go to pharmacy after work Monday once i pick up the car (hopefully)

    bed frame will have to wait still and I need to do laundry again...wondering if I should just pay for a laundry service but I rly can't afford to rn...
     
  4. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    reapplied for UI, hopefully it'll process soon...

    sorted all my medical bills and something...doesn't add up. going to try to call billing next week. it looks like when I first started on this insurance in 2019, there was confusion over my copay and that seems to have muddled things. (a.k.a I don't really seem to have a copay?? even though I thought the paperwork said I did? seems like I'm just supposed to wait until they bill me. I was paying $30 up front which then got credited to my account before the insurance claims processed, and so the payments and bill dates don't sync up and certain payments got attributed to different bills than I thought they did and...it's a mess.) My online account says I owe something like $700 but by my calculations it should be more like $200. I did my best to write down all the post-insurance charges, add them up, then add up what I've paid total and got the difference. so unless there are bills there's no record for??

    Friday at work wasn't too bad...not any busier than a Saturday is usually which was...sort of a relief, but I'm working today and nervous it's gonna be crowded...urgh. I might ask manager for a face shield after all even if it makes my work a pain in the ass...just the amt of customers coming in and out of the store and hanging out near my workstation puts me on edge.

    Also working weekends kinda sucks bc the train schedule is different and throws me off...I have to leave like 1/2 hr earlier and I'm already having trouble getting myself to go to bed on time so I'm just existing on 6 hrs/night on work days. I can't necessarily *feel* it bc my meds keep me awake but I know it's not good for me. x.x annoyingly I was sleeping at the right time for a few days...that I had off...and then the minute I go back to work, this. argh.

    just crossing my fingers I'll be able to make rent w/o letting my credit card roll over this month...I'm tired of asking for people to lend me money I just...want stability...just feels like a never ending chain of roadblocks. I did manage to get thru some of the executive dysfunction that's been dragging me down recently, idk if i just had to wait it out or it was stress abt the holiday or what...Aki got me an art program I've been wanting for a while and using it was really nice, idk why but it's just easy to use and feels less stressful than other ones I have, so I feel like I can actually do commissions now. I did start making a commission sheet months ago and stopped bc I got overwhelmed, but I think I was trying to offer/price too many options and I need to simplify. So going to do only digital for now I think.

    (a couple things are also still blocking me but I hope I can get thru them...every time commissions come up I stress abt possible scamming & art theft, and my deadname being on my paypal...sigh. its honestly less that it's my deadname and more that my full name is...very unique/rare and I'm nervous about being doxxed. I realize that's a bit paranoid but. The internet is scary. I've considered changing my name to my dad's surname which is extremely common because of it. I guess I might be able to make a business paypal but then I'm gonna have to worry about taxes and...argh...you see why i keep getting stuck

    i know some of it is just. things that will be easier once I actually do them and understand the process bc I tend to get hung up on things I've never done before.)

    it's been kind of a rollercoaster...esp for Aki more than anyone. x.x cat seemed to get better and then worse suddenly & now we think she just...idk...needs to be desensitized to the sound of the door opening? sometimes she's ok w it and sometimes she isn't. She's very hard to read...She's been ok with me and I've been making a point to brush her when I have the time and that seems to have endeared me to her.

    I am proud of myself for realizing she was getting overstimulated and stopping brushing her, she has a weird purr so it can be hard to tell when she's happy vs stressed. (it kinda sounds like she's congested tbh) I didn't know that a cat's sides twitching was a sign of overstimulation but I did notice her tail wagging so I was like "hm, she doesn't usually do that while lying down."

    read noelle stevenson's comic abt surgery and I really should just...talk to my doctor abt top surgery. I know it's going to be at least a couple years out if anything bc I dunno if insurance will cover it but I rack up PTO fairly quickly...so rn the big issue is covid...but I may as well get the process started?? my health center is lgbt oriented so I think they have. a process. and advice. I know my dysphoria is affecting me more than I realize, and I *do* realize it...I mentally sort of set a goal for myself the other day to get it done before I turn 35. I think as daunting as everything is, I know I'll regret waiting too long when I'm older.

    I just hope I can find a surgeon who is familiar with nbi people because...I don't want a man chest or sculpting or whatever. I just want it to be flat. not even nipples. (they're useless to me and annoying)
     
  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I MADE THE EYE DOC APPOINTMENT



    ...it's ridiculous how such a small thing can be so difficult and basically hold up everything else on the list for weeks
     
  6. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    sometimes I feel like a Bad Trans because i picked out deadnames for my characters. like i get why people say "don't ever deadname your ocs, don't even pick one" but unfortunately my own experience with my name is literally tied up in what my name is. Idk how else to put it. I think if my dname had been shorter and I hadn't been going by a gender neutral nickname version since I was in like...elementary school, I probably would have chosen a completely different name unrelated to it, but it is what it is. But I'm also weirdly attached to it because it was a very unique name and no one else had it when I was growing up.

    I was mulling it over because we were getting out holiday decorations and i found this pair of ornaments i got years ago for me & Aki with our deadnames on them, and I got the idea to paint over them and put our actual names on them. but it was actually hard to do mine because i could never find my dname on those stupid touristy junk items. It was like an obsession I had as a kid trying to find my name. So I have that ornament and a mug and a cheap necklace that have the name on them simply because it was impossible to find for so long. it's a more common name now, so I'm trying to let it go, because it *doesn't* actually make me happy to be called by it, just...it's complicated. I don't know!! a big source of dysphoria when I was younger was relatives (mostly my grandma) making gendered statements about me while playing on my dname. Which would have been cute if I were actually a girl but it was just a source of discomfort.

    So I guess I just...feel like I have to know how a character was affected by their deadname growing up. maybe that experience is different for people who had more common names but mine was *constantly* commented on by people to a level of uncomfortable scrutiny. "Oh, that's such a pretty name" etc and my mom giving me shit for wanting to go by a nickname because ~your name is so pretty that's why we chose it~ (I didn't even realize it was a gender thing at the time, I just thought it was too long)

    with Mhati (trans dude character) it's a bit less important, I guess, there's no real "deeper meaning" behind his name or his deadname, he just picked a name he liked. But for Laelius i deliberately picked out a deadname for him that 1. sounded overbearing and unpleasant to me and 2. has a meaning to it that makes him choosing a different name for himself even more of an act of rebellion.

    I get that people are worried about bigots/assholes deadnaming their characters and I don't feel like I have to broadcast it but I feel bad just. having the names? knowing what they are? I don't know. I had them written down when I made a timeline (in the sense of [x character was born] this year) but I realized that people might take issue with the info being public so I've been meaning to go back and delete them...not that anyone looks at my DW account but...sigh. I don't know.
     
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