Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.
current status: full of self loathing
hoping I can sleep it off.
computer status: still giving error when I try to update...tried a manual fix & it did not help, as far as I can tell some of the necessary windows update stuff is corrupted or missing? going to pull out the recovery disc and try that...I sure hope this is general windows fuckery and not because of the fiddling around I did previously. but after converting the partition style its updated a few times successfully since then...
I still need to set aside time to run a recovery program on my external and see if I can grab anything off it or fix it....aaaaa...still pissed about that. I wish I understood a little more about how computers work bc I don't rly grasp why an HD is unfixable if it's not physically damaged...like shouldn't you be able to just wipe corrupted data...idk. Basically I wish I understood more of the mechanism behind it so I could judge if it's a goner or if I just need to find a way to wipe it.
very frustrated...basically wasted my whole evening trying to fix my computer and nothing worked. And every fix required me to restart and attempt the updates which took 10-15 mins, after which it would hit maybe 95% completion of the update before giving me the "updates could not be completed, reversing changes" screen...for another 15-20 mins...so basically 30 mins EACH ATTEMPT I'm so...
like. it works its just I need to install the fucking security updates??? file checker found nothing corrupted, disk image seemed to repair...something...? but still got the same error in the end, etc...the last suggestion was that the I guess the EFI partition isnt big enough? idk??? why wouldn't that generate a more specific error aaaa
problem is when I look at disk management, the efi partition appears to be there but it is not labeled that, it just says like "disk 2 partition 0" or whatever. Recovery partition also appears to be there but is also unlabeled. Google gets me no results on whether or not this is a problem, or indeed *the* problem...I folded a free partition software & have to poke around w it tomorrow...I had the egi partition temporarily called Volume D: for a bit as part of the fix LAST time but I took off the drive letter and it doesn't seem to have helped...I mean the EFI is obviously there since the computer boots so I am at a loss.
on top of this I wanted to 1. start my taxes since I can get my w2 thru the company website, and also use my hsa to reimburse my new glasses, but...turns out I have not gotten a contribution since dec 18???? I double checked and still enrolled in the HSA so like. I'm going to have to call HR about this, arggggfhdhdh
too tired to fix typos omg tho...ego partition
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa good news is my HSA is fine i guess there was just like. a processing delay.
Ended up wiping my computer and reinstalling the OS. It took like 2-3 days to back everything up (had to use....multiple flash drives...) but it was worth it despite being a huge pain in the ass. Seems to be running fine now. Looking at a clean install, I think the problem was that the partitions were just...all wrong somehow, EFI partition is supposed to be the first one and and idk if i could have fixed that without shelling out for a paid program that does it. Instead of buying a couple of USB sticks for $30.
rolls up sleeves TIME TO DO THE TAXES ain't resting til the govt gives me money
terfs handwringing over sports: but MEN are so much BIGGER than WOMEN!! BIOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE
me, an AFAB person who was 5'8" at age 14 and got circles run around me by my shorter basketball/soccer teammates: oohhhh noooooo....those poor little girls...how will they ever manage... /eyes roll back into my head
I do recall a convo w/ my brother years ago, because he fenced, and apparently a long time middle-aged fencer came out as trans & there was debate about whether she could join the women's league...not because of body structure but because she had years and years more experience because the women's league had only existed for so long. I think he was genuinely trying to come up with a solution, because he's not a shithead about trans stuff, but I do remember being a bit stumped by it then...looking back on it, my feeling is sort of...well...idk??? she has more experience, tough??? ask her to mentor people??? are you gonna ban women who were practicing unofficially for decades too? you want a screening process? maybe her skill will challenge some people to try harder? p sure newcomers to sports upstage veterans all the time?
Like my sister, a cis woman who is 6'3", had to quit her crew team because she couldn't keep pace w/ the other women properly since her limbs were longer. Is that fair??? funny how they claim to be "protecting women" when they're throwing any AFAB person who doesn't conform to a certain definition of "woman" under the bus as well. (tbf I'm not saying what happened to my sister was discrimination, it's just unfortunate, but you don't see these people advocating for making sports more accessible in cases like that, they're just laser focused on how the ~bad bad mens~ are going to bully women out of sports or something. you know why women's leagues existed to begin with? because men...wouldn't let women play sports with them........)
I think part of the issue is they very nature of sports is kinda being questioned by this because people are so attached to the gender divisions & we don't...really know what will happen if we get rid of em?
edit: feel like I should add, I remember an elementary school friend of mine who just. fuckin loved football. and she dealt with SO MUCH SHIT bc she played football in the boys league. idk where she ended up gender wise but. I'm absolutely familiar with how gnc people get treated in sports and it sucks.
did...taxes...! thankfully there wasnt a huge diff from last year like other people were reporting (bc of shitty-ass Republican legislation) but that's probably because i make so little to begin with........anyway I won't be getting the money for a couple weeks but when it do it'll be a huge help x.x
had a very annoying convo w my mother (I know...I called her to thank her for her xmas gift my dad just dropped off because going thru the motions placates her...mistake) because I had to ask for financial help previously and now she's like obsessed w/ my financial situation. :/ tried to convince me I NEED to get a different career and go back to school for something like HVAC or medical equipment repair and like...I'm not opposed to the idea of making more money but the problem is
-i have no savings and am now in credit card debt (which a single stimulus check would get me out of but yknow)
-she just recently told me she and my dad can't help me financially anymore bc they're looking to retire
-how exactly do I work enough to afford to go to school and have enough time to go to school at once
-she can't just suggest something and leave it, if I say "ok I'll try that" or whatever she *will* doggedly follow up later and demand to know why I haven't done it and pester me until I do
-if I refuse up front because I know it won't work/isnt plausible, she'll argue about it til she's blue in the face and accuse me of being difficult, pessimistic, defeatist, etc. for...knowing myself and how my life works and what is and isnt feasible.
-my current job, while my my hours have been cut, is still giving me full time benefits like HEALTH INSURANCE and pays me $18.25/hr and there's no way I can find anything else that pays that much without a different degree
-I AM still looking for something else part time because that seems like the best solution. I really can't spend energy thinking that far into the future when my focus right now is being able to pay rent, paying off my credit card, and doing some very specific stressful necessary things that are none of her fucking business (helping Aki w disability application for healthcare)
so yeah, the issue w her isn't necessarily that her suggestions are bad so much as she cannot accept that I'm not in a position to act on them right now and just. will fucking argue with me about it until we're both stressed out. I wish I knew a better way to shut her down when she gets like this. I've tried (futilely) explaining that I can only handle so many things at a time or my brain capacity literally overflows and I start having memory problems. like I physically cant manage it. but apparently that's just an excuse or something.
I hate that she's so obsessed with "fixing" things that she just can't let stuff go. at least I'm working on that part of me.
so months ago a pipe broke in our bathroom ceiling (so upstairs apartment bathroom) and they fixed it. Well...the ceiling started leaking again so we called the landlord & the guy they sent over said the whole ceiling basically needs to be ripped out because the shitty drop ceiling was hiding an absolutely horrendous job so they're going to patch it and come back in a few days to do the overhaul...because they can't actually fix the problem with all the crap in the way lol...
the only good (?) thing about this is that upstairs asshole neighbor has apparently been very annoying and uncooperative for the plumbers which is hopefully another strike against him. His lease is up in 3 months and we're hoping the landlord will kick him out bc Aki has been sending updates whenever they bang around upstairs at ridiculous hours of the morning (or let their child RIDE HER BIKE INSIDE)
idk what the state of the bathroom is in but supposedly its supposed to be useable til they come back...I just feel bad for Aki and the cats being the ones having to put up w all the banging noises while I'm at work.
good news is UI is giving me more money suddenly, dont know why but I'm not complaining, paid off my credit card... (I'm assuming it has sth to do with new legislation? the website has no info just a notice that says it will update w info...)
plumber apparently did a temp fix & told Aki he'd call to schedule the big fix day & that it was fairly urgent but...did not call for 3 days so I called the office...lady tells me its *not* urgent and they'll call when they have a time frame...what is the truth.
annoying bc I cleared a bunch of our stuff out of the bathroom thinking it was going to get dismantled & now we have no idea when it will happen. like not even a "this week, probably", just "will let you know when we know". I don't care when I just want to know so I can plan around it bc not having a bathroom for an entire day is kinda big! we have to keep the cats in a room! people coming in and making noise also freaks them out! my partner is autistic and gets very distressed by last minute schedule changes they aren't able to plan for! can ppl just...communicate...
part of the issue is they don't really adhere to the "24 hrs notice before someone comes in the apartment" law, and we don't have a doorbell (it exists but isnt hooked up? idk what that's about) so when they show up they call me and I'm at work so I have to call Aki to let them in and it's just a mess...if we can get them to come on a day that either me or roommate is home, we can always drive somewhere to use the bathroom. but again no idea how long it may take or what.
crosses fingers as hard as possible
so brought up stuff abt the other store to my manager and. the tl;dr is they found someone to do my job parttime at my current store & they're going to move me to the other store for full time once I train her. I was apprehensive at first but after thinking about it, everything else aside this solves the problem of "my manager drives me crazy bc she's incompetent" because SHE WON'T BE MY MANAGER ANYMORE
idk what the other store manager is like but she seems nice so far. going in today for a couple hrs to talk to her about ordering supplies so I have all my tools. this store is actually closer so commute will be shorter. plus its apparently slightly bigger? (it used to be tiny but they moved locations when their lease was up)
cons are basically that it's a busier location so idk how the customers are gonna be but considering they're still filtering ppl at the door bc of covid I think that will help. Also won't have a grocery store right across the street anymore. But having a car helps w that so. there's a net benefit.
here's hoping I get along w the staff there. I'm going to be going back and forth between the 2 stores for a bit so.
edit: ok I take it back I'm still part time but have benefits til at least the end of the year. so may have to pick up something else after all. but I'll have more space (!!) and again...bye shitty manager
good news: money
bad news: probably not for long bc the car is leaking transmission fluid :|
gonna call the same guy I went to before. potential silver lining is that the leak seems to be near the front so it *might* be something more external and not require dismantling the whole transmission. (KNOCKS ON WOOD. at least give this car 6 more months...)
we're still trying to figure out if it's worth getting a new (used) car or trying to fix this one...
????: work transition is going p good, been training new girl and she's a fast learner so I feel p good about having her on.
there was a fiasco w the machine table at the new store (the legs had been bent in shipping somehow....its solid metal, SCARY) and no one noticed til I went there to check out the setup, but after some intense emailing corporate is going to send a new one. Whew.
Still have to see abt a second part time thing when unemployment runs out in April but at the very least that's one of the only things left on my plate atm...
aside from waiting for landlord to call about when they need to dismantle the bathroom ceiling x.x the fun thing is the office lady told me it "wasnt urgent" and 2-3wks later IT STARTED LEAKING AGAIN. AAAAAA. guy came to look at it and apparently upstairs bathroom has been having leaking issues (there was a bulge where water was collecting IN THE WALL OF HIS SHOWER) but asshole neighbor just...never reported it...also he keeps giving them shit about coming in his place to look at it and the plumbers are annoyed at him...as much of a hassle as it is I'm just hoping this is another strike towards landlord not renewing his lease so we can finally be rid of him x.x.
me: so, I've been thinking. my biggest problems right now are processing speed and impulse control. and I think that's why it takes me so long to ingrain new habits because I have to retain the information but also use it at the right time, and if there's too much going on or my meds wear off or...anyway I'm trying to accept that I learn way more slowly even with stuff like social rules and things--
brain: yeah well. it took til 25 to get the ADHD diagnosis but you did have a Learning Disability diagnosis since 16.
me: yeah but
me: that's like for school stuff
brain: why would it only apply to school stuff??
brain: case in point you're 31. that took about half your life.
brain: to be fair it didn't occur to your parents either because despite the diagnosis they kept acting like you were willfully refusing to do things instead of literally being unable to do them
brain: yeah that was super fuckin ableist btw
I wonder if it's at all possible to teach myself DBT because I sure as hell can't afford a specialist rn but. I'm at a standstill w/ my brain until I do.
I rly gotta remember to call car repair guy tomorrow (today) bc the more time goes by the more fluid has leaked out but auuughfhfh phone calls
why is my brain
...I crashed at 9pm (prolly bc I forgot to refill the pill case I take to work & so didn't take afternoon meds) and woke up at 1am so here I am...I mean if I can get 4 more hrs of sleep that's 8 hrs
good news: the transmission fluid leak was apparently a very small easy fix and the guy didn't even charge me bc I guess he felt bad that he didn't catch it last time. just told me to leave him a good review. so that was a massive relief.
I figured out something abt my circulation/feet which is that. it doesn't matter how warm/insulated my feet are, I need to keep everything below the knee warm or my feet will be freezing. bodies, how do they work...this means I'm now sitting at my computer in a t shirt but wearing leggings under my pj pants. whatever works, I guess.
Roommate has gotten her second vaccine dose and Aki will (hopefully) be getting theirs this week (their doctor got them into a trial for the new one, and if it turns out they got the placebo, they'll be given the actual vaccine hopefully before summer). So. I'm obvs not eligible but at the very least I won't have to worry about bringing it home to either of them. Been trying to double mask too.
did a lot...of adulting this weekend...more to come...gotta sort out the car ownership/insurance, job hunting, laundry this week, pick up meds for Aki....I think there was sth else but dont remember
haven't moved to new store yet bc they're waiting for the new machine table to arrive so I've been helping out the new girl. feeling like I dodged a bullet tho because (old) manager...well people aren't happy w her. One of our supervisors just left (for another job I think?) and apparently she never got around to posting for and interviewing someone to replace him??? despite knowing he was leaving for at least a month. and the assistant manager is pissed at her about it. so he was happy to have me there as an extra pair of hands.
on top of that I asked new girl how much they were paying her on a whim and she said manager told her they'd hire her at $17 (which is kinda bs imho bc she's nearly comparable to me in knowledge/skill, she just needs more experience...I was hired at $18) on top of which apparently her first paycheck said $16.50 so I told her to absolutely hold manager to her original promise of $17 because...fuck that. stingy. >:( I hope it was an honest mistake bc if it wasn't that's sketchy as hell.
I may be a little protective of the new girl bc she's graduating from my school & idk I just want her to do well. Her work may not be as refined but I have nearly a decade on her so like. it comes with practice. She's bright and picks things up very fast, and also she's more social than me so I think that'll be an asset for her.
you ever like...find yourself in a situation where there's so many contradicting things that your social etiquette script just...completely breaks down...
Spoiler: gender is suffering and so is fandom
So a friend of mine has started referring to a character that we both like with non-canon pronouns, because she relates to him I guess? I have absolutely zero issue w/ trans headcanons but she has basically switched exclusively to referring to him as "she" even in the context of canon and I...don't really know how to handle it? I don't care so much that she's doing it so much as I have no clue what I'm...supposed to do? Like is it upsetting to her for me to continue referring to him as "he" around her? ???
Maybe this is uncharitable but this isn't the first time she's seen a guy character and decided they're an egg, but it feels almost like she doesn't know how to relate to guy characters so they "have" to secretly be trans ladies instead...idk. I absolutely understand wanting to see yourself in media just...
if you asked me if this particular character felt trans-ish I would immediately think you meant transmasc tbh. Like obvs there is relatable overlap but.
idk how to explain it. I don't have a problem w people making AUs or having headcanons or w/e, it's that I don't know how to interpret the behavior in relation to my own and what I'm supposed to do, because if you told me "you have to adhere to your friend's headcanons" I'd be like "lol no" but when it comes to something so personal as gender and her specifically deciding to relate to him that way, calling him "he" around her feels like...misgendering despite the fact that I don't see him that way personally?
the other issue is she's never given me any reason to think she'd get on my case for it but I've seen other people being...weird about similar things, though they're usually on the younger side, but given current fandom environment I still feel nervous. I want to respect her feelings and make her feel comfortable! I think a transfemme AU would be interesting! I just...don't see how it gels with canon as-is?
its also weird bc I sometimes wonder if being NBI/agender is why I don't "get" how people find it difficult to related to different gender characters because I didn't really have a choice. So I don't really feel that differently about male chars vs female ones? I tend to gravitate towards female characters more now but its usually bc I felt starved for rep growing up when I still thought I was a girl.
I also don't consider myself transmasc, though I do relate to a lot of the experiences obvs, but I don't identify as masc gender-wise even if I do prefer masc presentation.
Usually, faced with an awkward social situation with someone I know fairly well, I would try to ask them how they feel, but this feels like a situation where even just *asking* could blow up in my face.
previous post has been thankfully resolved.
Apartment crap...ceiling leaked again and I had to clean the bathroom and I'm so tired of it...its super frustrating bc basically...there's a drop ceiling w plastic tiles and bare wooden beams/exposed pipes above it. it looks like the water is soaking into the beams from above then dripping down. the biggest problem rn is that the majority of it drips onto the fan/light fixture and collects in the light cover, then when it starts to overflow it drips directly onto the shower curtain bar and splatters everywhere. I've been wiping down the curtain w cleaner but it rly needs to be properly washed, but I don't want to go thru the trouble til the ceiling is fixed bc it's just going to get dirty again.
also yknow. water in electrical fixture. is not safe. x.x for the time being it seems to be collecting away from the wires but still.
it's been like 2 months and we still havent heard anything abt when they're going to fix it and I'm just. extremely annoyed. it's disgusting and unsafe.
Going to have to have a frank discussion w landlord anyway bc upstairs asshole neighbor moved in last April and our lease is up in June. obvs it depends on money but none of us want to spend another year living below him. Part of me is wondering if they're actually waiting for him to move out so they can redo the bathroom w no one living there...that would be best case...ugh. but basically idk if we're allowed to know if he's moving out or not til he does. but our plans are kinda based on that. (I mean ideally...we would love to move up to the second floor -_- it would solve a lot of issues like ppl being weird outside the windows)
so basically if he stays we want to move but that's going to be a whole...thing...money and repainting the walls and packing and apartment hunting and aughhhhgjf. And Aki is getting surgery in June. If he leaves we'll probably ask if we can just move upstairs. which will still involve repainting and moving etc but at least we wont have to pay for movers...
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