Adulting is Hard etc

trying not to spiral bc I told myself I wouldn't be late AGAIN this weekend, I'd get up and leave early enough to make up for transit delays, and I almost did but it turns out they changed the setup to make it even LONGER so I would have been just on time for the previous setup. except once again going to be 20 mins late. I fucking. hate this. so much. I just want to scream. it looks like I'm not trying and I AM. IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD. this has been four weeks in a row and I'm ready to take a fucking cab to work on Saturdays even though it costs more than I make in an hour. ofc by the time i realize I'm going to be late a cab can't actually help.

it's like. have to grab train for a couple stops. get off. wait for bus. bus takes 5 years. get off bus. wait for train to take me ONE STOP but they only have a train every 15 mins and that's roughly the time it would take to walk to work from there. time is already hard and I have so much difficulty factoring in wait times especially when there's no schedule for them. I hate this. I hate it so much.

even if I wanted to drive and park it's like $50 at minimum per day lolololol fuck this so much.

and ofc they're running SINGLE CAR TRAINS on a Saturday w transit backed up so


edit: cool nearly had a panic attack having to shove myself onto a train like a sardine bc i couldn't afford to be even later to work I guess I'm terrified of crowds now. good to know.

 

Apparently I came in looking distraught enough that my coworker asked if I was ok...manager was very understanding, other employees have been having the same trouble w public transit...


...still very not thrilled about panicking on a crowded train.

 

I'm.

ffffffffffff

followed brother's advice and just. did not say anything about yelling at my mom and hanging up on her and she acted like nothing happened lolllll. whatever.

have a weird work schedule this week so I'm off tomorrow. need to go do major laundry but also. call the unemployment office and find out if anything can actually be done about my claim. maybe while waiting for laundry. also stop at gas station to put air in tires.

I'm so worn down, idk if I need a higher meds dosage or it's just the ongoing stress but like. I've been noticing that it's very hard to organize my thoughts and I notice myself rambling at people but can't stop. also exec dysfunction is bad. like I'm still able to...do things but my task switching is awful.

today I was helping Aki w some stuff (putting together some furniture & moving heavy stuff in their office) & they asked me to move a pegboard that was hung on the wall to a different spot and I could literally feel my brain grind to a halt. then with the speed of molasses attempt to list & catalogue the steps needed. measure. use level. mark holes. drill holes for wall anchors. put in screws. hang. But so slowly and even after listing it all I felt like I was mentally walking through mud to reach the point of initiating the first necessary task. it was extremely unpleasant. thankfully they let me do it later (took a shower and I guess that...freed up brain ram????) and I was able to initiate that task no problem. it was so fucking weird. but similar things happening w random tasks lately, I've taken out sewing projects and then just had to put them away bc my brain could not process the complexity of starting them. dont like. took an extra med & it helped me get thru Parents Visit but I shouldn't. do that often. I'm sort of upset that the whole. general state of stress life is making my meds less effective. I just want to stay in bed all day now.

 

unscrambling brain...


-manager said her boss will be reconsidering my hours depending on the amt of work I get in for the next few weeks

-good thing bc I called the Unemployment office and it turns out the extension law was only for people who lost all income so I'm shit outta luck in that department. (I still don't understand why they gave me money for the first week this year and I'm pissed I didn't understand I could have been getting it for the entire year but. what can you do I guess.)

-need to figure out if Aki's new insurance covers their medical procedure next month and cancel their old one asap (today or tomorrow)

-finish pillow covers

-finish up temp chair cover for roommate (she got an ikea chair but the cover is out of stock, need to temporarily catproof it)
-helping her w furniture today
-keep organizing porch

-get car tuned up?/see if need oil change (need...money)

-pick up meds Thurs or Fri

-hardware store for wood etc for installing ACs (we have those shitty ass metal windows so can't screw stuff into them have to get creative) like 8ft total...plus 8x L brackets

-clean Aki's bedroom AC

-help Aki move furniture in bedroom

 

my own social awkwardness has been fucking killing me lately and I can't tell if it's my anxiety making me overthink things or if I'm actually making social blunders...ugh

its mostly with coworkers or people I don't know well so i can't even like. ask them.

 

I think there's an element of "filter/impulse control worse bc of stress/pandemic/meds suddenly being less effective" I mean I fucked up rly badly the other week and I'm still mortified about it...just want to live under my bed indefinitely

I did do some sewing today but I wanted to clean the apartment but ended up not doing that bc I couldn't process well enough to make a priority list & got overwhelmed by the amt of stuff that needs to be done

took 4 days to build roommate's new bed & while it was difficult I had the realization that the reason I love putting furniture together is that it has clear steps that need to be done and the end result is concrete and its obvious when its finished. that's not a level of structure I'm able to impose on the rest of my life by myself and it sucks.

 

made some...progress...I finished a couple sewing projects that have been on my plate a while and cleaned the kitchen a little. I wanted to vacuum/clean the apartment but roommate still has a bunch of stuff in the common areas bc she moved it out of her room to fit the new bed...at least I stopped dithering and got rid of some long-expired food I'd been keeping on the off chance "it's still good".

tomorrow need to call abt aki's health insurance (make sure new one is active and cancel old one)

 

inhales

yes it's not news but this country is fucked

turns out the disability thing was a double-edged sword: they auto-assigned Aki a Medicaid plan which is an ACO that...includes absolutely none if their current doctors. they have a few months to choose a different one if they want but the only one that covers their clinicians is one they had before which rly sucked and barely covered anything, I don't know if it's improved at all. the third option is cancel that entirely and go on paying twice as much for their current insurance which is too expensive to be sustainable.

currently the plan is pay out the ass for this month so their surgery in June is definitely covered (bc its still cheaper than out of pocket) and then cancel that insurance & get new doctors...apparently the new ACO has a network of hospitals good for EDS/complex patients it's just. horrific timing to have the insurance be switched right before major surgery. -_-

I've been barely keeping up w work which I'm hoping is a good thing bc it means I have enough to do that they'll give me more hrs. finding out this week. dying inside.

Spoiler: cw: discussion of elderly relative's mortality, abuse

on top of all that my brother called me and said he visited my grandma and she's...in bad shape. it's very up in the air how long she's got. he said my mom is...not coping, which is predictable. he recommended I visit asap, ideally by myself.

I don't get my second vax shot til next week and I have to anticipate it taking me out for a couple days, plus I've been taking a lot of days off to take Aki to doctor appts and I'm taking PTO off for their surgery so I don't want to keep asking my manager for stuff, meaning I have maybe two 2 day periods at the beginning of June I could use to make a 10hr round trip...I don't rly have the money to stay anywhere overnight so I'd have to do it in one day. also have to ask my dad to borrow a car bc Aki's dad's car is not rly up to the journey and like hell I'm taking a bus to another state in a pandemic, vaccinated or not.

i feel...guilty, I guess. my grandma was good to me when I was a kid but as I got older I began to understand how much she shaped my mom, and just...I have compassion for her being in a fragile medical state but I feel like I should feel...more? about the fact that my only surviving grandparent may be gone soon. maybe it hasn't hit me yet. I never knew either of my grandfathers and my dad's mom passed away when I was like...10 iirc.

also my brother and I spent a while talking about how badly my mother needs therapy. -_-

apparently my mom's dad passed away sometime in the past year, I don't know from what but he was dying of something like kidney failure so that's not a surprise. he was an abusive shithead who divorced my grandma either before I was born or shortly after & completely ditched his family for another woman. and only reached out to his kids because he was dying and lonely I guess. my mom wanted nothing to do w/ him and its basically the one thing I'm on her side about. so now that he's gone & her mother (who is fucked up in a different way) is dying, maybe my mom will finally process some of her childhood traum--ahahahhahahahah

...but seriously, I know it sounds like I'm being too sympathetic to her, but if she went to fucking therapy it would improve things for everyone related to her so its absolutely a selfish sentiment on my part.

(my mother has serious OCPD tendencies & my brother pointed out that she's literally arbitrarily controlling, not just like. controlling about stuff she specifically cares about. (i.e. not letting me play video games until I got old enough to buy them myself so she couldn't stop me bc apparently they'd poison my brain) she drove him crazy when they visited grandma, stuff like gma asked for some wine & my mom refused to give her any and in fact poured the rest of the bottle out so she couldn't have it. nothing abt grandma's medical condition says she can't drink and also she's fucking dying bc her lungs are fucked, so that's...just spite.)

 

oh. spoke too soon.

Grandmother is in the hospital now. no other info.

Asshole neighbor appears to be back after 3 whole weeks of blissful peace. (aside from the dumpster noise). Kid is running around upstairs again.


someone in the universe has a grudge.

 

spent the day screwing pieces of wood into the window frames so that our AC units can't get pushed inward bc the windows aren't wood and the ACs can't get screwed into them directly... someone (probably asshole neighbor) smacked roommate's AC while getting out of their car and it startled her...ugh.

need to draft a firm email to landlord bc the stale smell is back, on the first week it's gotten above 70F, after it being gone over the winter which tells me...it is...most definitely mold. :| :| considering the smell is mostly in the bathroom/Aki's room & kitchen (both right next to bathroom) also Aki heard dripping in the bathroom this morning when they were running water upstairs so I would REALLY like to know if they fixed that bathroom or not. and ask them to get us a new bathroom fan bc the nasty water dripped into ours and also a ceiling tile has been missing for months because they took it out to access the pipes once.

I can't believe i was starting to have hope the jackass upstairs was gone and maybe we'd have a better year...

 

Aki recieved 3 pics of mail!

1. packet dated 5/12 that says "you need to choose a health plan within 14 days or we choose one for you" (lmao. it took 10 days to GET here also you already did!?)

2. packet dated 5/17 saying "you don't qualify for state health insurance" (uh we went over this???)

3. ...acceptance packet and health card for the state health insurance



so what is the truth


(90% sure the "you don't qualify" notice was auto generated when I called w an inquiry & can be disregarded bc it's just about the non-disability related one)

 

2nd vaccine shot in 2 days...almost there. hoping it won't floor me too badly bc I need to work Fri & Sat...

unsure what's going in w/ work hours need to ask manager. currently I need to bring in like $500 more a month to be on top of expenses (utilities/groceries).


-need to sort medical paperwork & put stuff in the file cabinet we got so I stop moving it between my floor & bed...

things:

--birthday coming up...I would love a scanner so I can finish archiving my art, i can toss an entire file box worth of the old stuff I just want some kind of record of it...looks like they're about $100 on the low end

--a second monitor, dont care abt quality, it would just make multitasking much easier & I feel like I'd get more done w a stream or video running. text friend to see if she has an extra bc she's always upgrading.

--need to obtain a wine rack (secondhand or make one) to store bottled drinks on so we don't have them sitting on the floor in the way

 

...lmao my hubris

ended up calling off work today & yesterday bc vaccine side effects. feverish and sore all over & feel weak. barely able to sleep bc cant get. comfortable. wheeee.

thankfully manager is understanding and let me use some PTO for the days I missed. apparently everyone else got floored by it too.

going to try to sleep more & then maybe sort papers if I feel better later today.


managed to get a decent wine rack off craigslist for $10 but need some spray paint for it...its sturdy but previous owner tried to do one of those fake weathered paint jobs and its ugly lol.

roommate's coworker is getting rid of a couch so we're taking it, have to clean it & make a cover bc cats. ofc it's a 2pc recliner and not a regular couch because f me I guess LMAO...going to try to simplify it tho. need to estimate yardage. (I'm not upset it's just funny bc the first furniture slipcovers I made were for two recliner chairs so they were super complex in order to allow for movement & I was like "well at least a regular couch cover will be simpler." LOL )

 

ok.

some good news:

-my tax return thing got processed so I got like $1k back from the taxes that were taken out of my UI payments which gives me a buffer for this month

-manager finally got an answer abt my hours and said I can be moved back to full time (so like 30hrs) depending on workload. probably in a week or two but w the tax money I'm ok til then.


have a couple days off, trying to get brain unscrambled.

highest priority:

-grocery run
-laundry
-sort out the pile of health insurance paperwork and figure out if Aki's headache clinic appointment is covered by their new insurance or not (and when their old coverage ends)

-keep working on cleaning/organizing room

-living room needs to be cleared out by Sunday to make rm for couch (some room on porch as well)

-spray paint the wine rack

-put signs on my stuff in the basement so landlord doesn't throw it out

 

me: man it's so nice to have a shorter commute now

public transit: Syke we're adding 45 mins each way to your commute bc we neglected upkeep for so long that all the repair and construction work is going to be done during the week now!



edit: got a notification for a doctor appt and they didn't say anything about stopping telehealth ahead of time...ugh. it was a lifesaver. I'm so annoyed.

 

some...good things. appointment was telehealth after all.

managed to (mostly) sort out Aki's insurance...finally found a reduced cost plan that will let them keep their current doctors. switched it over &just need to call on Monday to cancel the other one.

their surgery went well; we were both...very on edge concerned about complications (surgery on people with EDS can go very bad) so that's a relief. [KNOCKS LOUDLY ON WOOD] now it's just getting through the recovery period & seeing how it improves their health. unfortunately you can't undo a progressive genetic disorder, but apparently progesterone accelerates things so not having to take birth control anymore will slow it down a lot.



new couch is pretty nice. was a bit of a pain to clean but the making of the cover went surprisingly well, I'm just finishing the arm rests now. (I guess I learned a lot from doing the recliner chairs) and the cats are happy that having a couch makes all of us more inclined to hang out on the living room.


still need to do another round of laundry & finish cleaning the kitchen and the porch, but with the living room sorted that should be much easier, bc I can figure out what actually can go in storage and be out of our way.

 

my brain is mush... i could have used another week but going back to work tomorrow...lies on floor

i got maybe half of what I wanted done...laundry is the bane of my existance

 

having a...weird delayed reaction to getting screamed at by a shoplifter I confronted at work today & I know a lot of it is probably my anxiety meds having worn off but. I'm also overwhelmed from going right into 8hr work days and I'm going to be working 6 days in a row...I need the money but I can literally feel my spoons being depleted rapidly. on top of work day being longer commute is longer bc of the stupid construction until beginning of July so basically I'm losing an extra hr a day plus the three more I'm spending at work so. I'm fried.

I know I shouldn't ruminate but I keep going over what happened in my head and feeling like I either did too much or not enough like. I should have told one of my coworkers to call the manager but they were both distracted and I didn't have a walkie-talkie so I tried following the person myself to discourage them from stealing bc I was watching but they are a repeat offender and didn't give a shit. so when they put something in their bag I said "you do have to pay for that" and got screamed at ofc and they walked out with at least $250 worth of merchandise. because you know who is going to stop them.

idk I understand some people need to shoplift to survive & I would absolutely look the other way if it were food or baby stuff or a megacorp that tosses pallets full of unsold stuff every year but the company I work for literally doesn't have as big a profit margin as other places, they hardly ever throw things away unless it's so damaged it can't possibly be used, minor damages get given to people or recycled for parts etc. I know its not worth getting upset over and maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all but. I dont know. & the other part of my brain is screaming that I'm a class traitor or some shit for trying to stop them. I probably shouldn't have gotten as confrontational as I did but you know. my brain doesn't make good decisions in an unfamiliar situation. so I think i pulled scripts from what my manager did last time she tried to discourage a shoplifter forgetting I am not the manager. I did ask if I could have a walkie talkie at least on busy days because that would have...helped.

I'm working tomorrow which is usually a busy day bc weekend shopping and I'm not looking forward to the amt of social interaction required, I'm tempted to ask if I can help w stock work or at least volunteer to get stuff from the back to minimize my time out front bc I think if too many people talk to me I will just start screaming.

still waiting for anxiety meds to kick in...

 

feels like whenever anxiety meds wear off or even whole on them sometimes I get sunk into this overwhelming feeling of dread, everything is wrong and the world is horrible and horrible people are doing horrible things *right now* and no one with any sort of power is doing anything to stop them. like on top of the fact that life is often randomly cruel, so many people are deliberately so!!! and I just cant filter that out right now. it hurts so much. its terrifying. i know logically you do what you can but it feels so futile in the face of it all. it's so easy for one person with ill intent to tear down the good work of many.

 

im going to fucking SCREAM i went to spray the back corner of the bathroom ceiling adjacent to Aki's room w mold killer because I didn't trust our landlord to do anything promptly and. first of all the shower tile was placed directly on drywall so ofc the bare drywall above the stupid ceiling tiles is. black and crumbling. and also. there are. SEVERAL OLD PACKS OF CIGARETTES SITTING ON THE OLD CEILING BOARDS. I thought they were like magazine pages or some shit previously so I ignored them but no. fucking cigarettes. meaning we're not fucking crazy and we DID smell old stale cigarettes they're just OLD MOLDY CIGARETTES THAT HAD LEAKY PIPE WATER DRIPPING ON THEM FOR AT LEAST. A YEAR.

I'm so...I'm so fucking disgusted and i was going to clean the ceiling tiles myself bc i was tired of them dropping debris all over the toilet every time the kid upstairs jumped up and down but. I ain't sticking my head up there without a respirator anymore. (though we are going to take. a lot of photos. and email and call and be a general nuisance jesus CHRIST)

im so fucking mad about the fact that the landlord's husband called us crazy when we reported a cigarette smell last year. im sure as hell going to remind them we did that