Adulting is Hard etc

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Aki is also having a super bad time the last few days (we're not sure exactly what it is but it's def chronic illness related) and. trying to gauge if doctors can/will actually help. its fucked bc the last time they felt this bad I insisted they go to the ER & their PCP also said to but the ER basically did fuck all except treat them like they were drug seeking & send a bill. (they basically confirmed it wasn't a heart problem & told us it was stress.) and this was before covid.

    absolutely fucked that most people would go to the ER way before this level of pain but when you've got EDS it's like. may as well be miserable at home where it's somewhat comfy, you might die but its better than sitting in a waiting room for 6 hours and having nurses gaslight you. and again...that's before covid.

    I'm just bringing them takeout and taking over cat food duty bc that's mostly what i can do at this point...
  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    roommate got home from work first so she took Aki to urgent care (the same one that actually took them seriously years ago when they had that weird 2 weeks of fever & led to finding out their liver was fucked...anyway I hope the staff is still good) so I am feeding/ looking after the cats who seem...idk the clever one definitely knows something is wrong bc she's been fussing over Aki these past few days. She's now staring at me with concern and won't eat her dinner. (she did have a few treats I gave her out of sight if the other one at least...)


    edit: they're coming home now, all I know is no ER visit necessary atm...
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2021
  3. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    this cat sighs like a human being

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  4. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    good news is, lung xray was clear so i assume no pneumonia, though apparently the clinic doc looked...concerned...while listening to Aki's breathing... (which reminds me we need to figure out how to get their steroid inhaler refilled) They also did an ANA panel bc Aki's docs have been trying to get one during possible autoimmune flares for a while, so we'll see how that comes back...

    mostly sucks bc literally the only painkiller that works for them for anything is Tylenol and they really can't take much of that bc it'll fuck up their liver even more. (opioids make them hella nauseous and everything else just...doesn't work)
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  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I don't even

    finally got to the bottom of Aki's surgery bills


    now that we actually know WHY the fuck this all happened we're going to talk to the hospital financial services but god. health insurance is a fucking scam
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  6. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    also I think I forgot to take my allergy meds yesterday and ofc I decided to vacuum the living room & I've been having the worst allergy attack since then. been taking benadryl to sleep. ugh.

    need to call the diff billing depts during what times I have in the morning etc this week and then the financial services office.

    ..the leaky valve is def not something I can fix on my own bc there's no visible way to get to the part that needs replacing soooo gotta call landlord about that too...our place is just. the whole building is a piece of work. I was messing around w the machine in the basement and noticed that there's mold spots on the walls where there's damp spots & either it's from rain or stuff like asshole neighbor's AC dripping water into...the siding (yes. the house has that crap fake shingle plastic siding) so now I'm like. is this gonna effect our laundry. ew...
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  7. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag


    so they sent Aki a new insurance card at the beginning of June and I didn't think anything of it at the time bc there was so much going on but I guess that counts as "informing" them their insurance changed so...they're waiting to see if they can get approved for a loan to pay off the bills now...I would help but I've got my own several thousand dollar loan for fixing the car...hate everything about this.

    got maintenance to fix the leaky valve but they told me they wouldn't hook up the dryer to the gas bc if it needs a certain thing fixed we'll end up paying more for labor to un-hook it again? I don't even know what's actually wrong w/ it so I was like...ok. So have to call an appliance repair place tomorrow. OFC one of the websites I found says they won't fix anything if it's not properly hooked up so like...what is the truth??

    Then talk to my parents in the evening about moving the king size mattress to their place and finally free up some storage space here...

    I did some alterations for a coworker but I feel bad bc we didn't work out payment ahead of time & I'm not sure what to ask her for...trying to strike a balance between not undervaluing myself and not asking a broke college student for more than she can manage.
  8. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Brain: EXCUSE ME

    Me: ....what


    Me: I'm...what? Sorry? Wouldn't I been in pain?



    Me: ....oh, that. Look, we've been over this. That's always been there.

    Brain: [unrolls blueprint] IT SAYS RIGHT HERE IN SECTION 34 R--

    Me: like I said, we've been over this...


    Me: ...yes, thank you. I know. take it up with the architect.
  9. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    this last week or so I've been crashing after getting home from work again, now around 10-11 PM. I guess it's my meds wearing off but its like. I suddenly get so sleepy I can't stay upright. if I lie down i end up napping for an hour or two and then waking up wired and unable to go to sleep til 3-4. if I push thru (extremely difficult) it wears off a bit but ugh. Like, I wish I could just sleep then and get up early but apparently not. (ideal bedtime would be 1am practice)

    dunno if it's my body taking revenge for missing an hour of sleep every night or what.

    ...still need to call a dryer repairman, brain has not been cooperating.
  10. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    me: goes to bed at 1:30 for once

    ny brain, immediately: would you like sleep paralysis and intrusive thoughts about being harassed by someone you can't physically escape from?

    me: oh you little fucker I didnt take my evening meds did i

    (apparently my ADHD hyperactivity likes to manifest in my brain going"hey wouldn't it be fucked up if--")

    took my meds. it was very hard to type this so tired.

    edit: is the anxiety meds what they help with. self destructive spitting fr. y

    I'm leaving that word salad b this is what my late night typing looks like I was trying so hard to edit it out
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2021
  11. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I consider myself a wimp when it comes to horror (famously was unable to sleep w.o the lights on for months after seeing the Grudge in high school) but then I go and do stuff like binge read SCPs or the entire Mystery Flesh Pit blog at 2am because my meds have worn off & I have no impulse control


    (I do admire the artistic craftsmanship that went into it tho. jesus christ. Also realizing that what makes it scary is the combo of cosmic horror juxtaposed with...well, capitalist horror that is perfectly believable)

    ...I also did this to myself while researching caving/spelunking for our Underdark campaign & stumbled across a very well crafted creepypasta that was styled as a believable late 90s-early 2000s personal website/blog. That was a fun one. :underchair:
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2021
  12. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    rl stuff is...

    accidentally maxed out my credit card this week, I managed to pay it down a little but it's going to take. a while. ugh. I'm afraid to look at my score now. I told myself I'd never let myself carry a balance but I literally had to bc I need to pay rent and it just kept getting worse...I'm just praying the car holds up until I can pay it off but it's going to be rough bc I have roughly $500/month now for any expenses (groceries included). but dryer repair has been postponed bc of that. at least the washing machine works and I can hang dry most of my stuff but. the texture of air dried stuff bothers Aki so it's not sustainable...

    I did get the various things we needed for the machines like a stand for the dryer (somehow managed to get it in there by myself) and the key locks...etc. also sprayed anything on the walls down there that resembled mold with mold killer. it's not a permanent solution bc the damp means it'll probably come back but what can you do...

    (very annoying bc a heating vent pipe crosses the ceiling down there right in the laundry area and I'm just tall enough to keep hitting my head on it as I try to do laundry...)

    I just...I've been trying to build up savings since I started this job 3...4??? years ago and it's like. shit just keeps HAPPENING. I try really hard to be responsible w/ money, I wish I could figure out a way to optimize what I spend on food but it requires continuous organizational skill that I just don't have. I don't even get takeout that much...p much everything I've bought in the past few months aside from a couple early xmas gifts/art supplies was practical & necessary. (I needed new underwear, warm socks, proper winter gloves to clean the car off with...organizational things...)

    edit: reminding myself that I get paid 3 times in December so that should help...

    in good news my brother was in town & treated me to dinner. it was tasty.
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2021
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  13. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    and of course there's something wrong w the car again. the anti-lock brake system was beeping/giving error msg this morning and I guess I left the headlights on while I was at work? so I had to call my dad and ask him to help me jump the battery & it got me home but I guess I didn't run it long enough bc it's dead again so I have to ask roommate to jump it w her car again tomorrow...I'm so tired...I dunno if the battery is dying on me or if the brake system is dying because of the battery or WHAT but before my dad jumped it at least the lights turned on, now it doesn't even do that?? and it was running for a good 20 mins before I drove it home but while driving I had to turn off the AC and like. everything BUT the headlights to conserve power. I don't know if that's normal, googling says 1/2 hr of the engine running should be enough but I guess...not...I don't want to have to pay to have it towed to a mechanic UGH this is the absolute last fucking thing I needed. like when we were able to start the engine I thought everything was ok but then the brake system started yelling at me for the drive home and all.
  14. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    best case scenario is the battery is dying bc I can get a new one from costco & I know how to install it bc that's the one big car related thing I've done before...but the brakes...hrgh.

    money aside I can barely keep up w the demands of my weekly schedule (food, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, etc) let alone the random bullshit life decides to throw at me and having a car gave me a decent amt of extra time... to barely keep up with.

    trying to think abt commissions again & once again running into the roadblock that is "my dead name is on my Paypal account"

    was hoping to use my extra dec paycheck to pay down my credit card but its looking likely it's gonna b used for the car...woohoo
  15. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    roommate helped me jump car again when she got home and...fingers crossed... it seems to be doing ok? I went for a half hour drive around just to make sure but I guess i will find out when I try starting it tomorrow.
  16. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    car is...hanging in there (knocks on wood) so I must have just drained the battery somehow. need to get it looked at again in a month or two since the guy said to have the shocks checked the next time I get the oil changed...

    this week is gonna suck so I'm bracing myself...trying to accept I won't have much free time. 2 early morning dentist appts bc Aki is having a bad tooth problem & then Thurs I have to get up at 5am to help w store least that means I get to go home early that day & it requires no interaction with customers lol

    been noticing that Saturdays at work make me super oversocialized/overloaded now...I basically sit right under the music speakers & I think if it's super crowded I can tune ppl out but since its still below a certain noise level my brain is exhausting itself trying to follow all the threads of conversation around me. Going to invest in some earplugs and see if it helps. had to ask manager to give me stockroom work halfway thru yesterday because I was feeling exhausted from being upstairs even without having to talk to people. thankfully she was cool w it. (I think she's just grateful I'm willing to step up and help out bc literally everyone else is new...)

    got some advice abt the dryer from my dad so going to try it...have to go get an extension cord for it but apparently I can turn it on to try to narrow down the problem, it just won't heat up w.o being hooked up to the gas.

    getting colder & I need to invest in new pajama pants bc the ones I have barely fit...I could probably modify them but honestly I need warmer ones because of my poor circulation anyway. I did finally find socks that are warm enough that my feet are surviving now but. also the thermal leggings I have are too small now. I can get them on but they won't stay up, I dunno if it's worth trying to add fabric to make them bigger...they were the largest size at uniqlo anyway unless I try the mens idk if they would be any better. work sells actual wool long johns but again I barely fit in the largest women's size & the mens stuff was not made for people with an ass.

    it's a weird feeling bc I went from a womens medium to just bigger than an extra large in the 4 years I've been working here. I was absolutely underweight when I started bc my old inconsistent schedule meant I skipped breakfast which was exacerbated by my meds. I def had dysmorphia from being able to see my own ribs so that wasnt great, I was happy to gain some weight back. 170-175 is probably the ideal? And I was stable there for a bit but the pandemic put me up at 205 or so.

    it's less that I'm self conscious about it and more that i had to get all new clothes for being 170 and then add fabric to all those clothes when I gained weight again...and now I only have 3 pairs of pants that fit and 2 are too light for winter. I'm evaluating whether I can modify the older ones again by adding stretch material but it's such a pain in the ass. plus now all my leggings (which I layered under my pants for warmth) and thermal shirts are also too small. again, I can fit into them but they're so tight its uncomfortable. (tight shirts set off my chest dysphoria...which is the other tradeoff, I had virtually no dysphoria while underweight but the dysmorphia was somehow worse.)

    basically for work I have to wear the brand's clothes as my uniform, which is fine bc I like the style and I *can* modify them bc that's, yknow, my job, but they don't make above a women's XL & the men's stuff requires a LOT of modifications to accommodate my hips. (it's not that I object to mens clothing, I own a lot of it but the womens stuff here is more masc in style and more likely to fit my hips)

    I've contemplated the fatphobia there and it just sucks & there's not much that can be done about it. (we actually had a new employee who ended up quitting bc among other things it was so hard to find clothes she could fit in and I don't think anyone anywhere in the company considered that ever. ugh.)

    I don't even really consider myself fat. just factually, even at 205lbs I'm 5' 10" and it basically all goes to my chest & my butt which makes clothes shopping a pain in the ass (hah) but it's still nothing compared to what the actual fat people in my life have to deal with. I've gone clothes shopping for my roommate bc she hates doing it from all the negative associations.

    tl;dr even more "ethical" clothing companies fucking suck at this and esp because the one I work for is like. outdoors clothing there's a bias there... they're good on the sustainability aspect but the racism & fatphobia...part of me was hoping that as their American market grew they might invest in at least making a few larger sizes but corporate is notoriously slow to do anything.

    I'm also just. winging it all bc I've looked for info on making/modifying plus size clothing online but couldn't find anything, so it's all me improvising.
  17. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    screams into pillow

    got thru the 3 super early days, I'm totally exhausted despite sleeping 8 hrs last night, manager asked me to come in an hour early today to open the store for her bc there's literally no one else, I'm awake and restless so I leave on time for that...

    car battery is dead again, I freak out a little but go get my bike out even tho it's raining, tires are a bit deflated but no time so I push thru, get 3 blocks before realizing I forgot a mask because I keep them in the car, go back, get mask, decide to take the bus bc it's coming in 10 mins anyway, bus ends up 10 mins late...

    I think I'll only be 1/2 hr late which is 1/2 hr before the store opens but jesus CHRIST. this is what I mean by the fact that I'm so reliant on routines, if one thing goes wrong it just becomes a domino effect of things going wrong...

    the fact that the battery is dead again even tho I definitely didn't leave anything on this time (lights will turn on but engine doesn't have enough power to start) apparently means it could be the battery dying OR the is a $100 fix and one could be $1000. (or apparently the belt which is also around the price of a battery) but I don't know enough abt cars to tell...going to have to watch some YouTube repair vids when I get home tonight instead of chilling and recharging my brain after this week...fucking hell.
  18. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I've been putting every little bit of extra money I have into paying down my credit card and I just feel sick bc I swore to never get this badly in debt again but I was so tired of asking people for help and it causing relationship issues...and here I am between that and the loan it's like $4k. I did some budgeting math and I could pay off the card in 6mo...if I spent bare minimum on groceries and nothing else, which isnt going to happen esp w the car having a new issues every few weeks. I don't regret fixing it bc honestly, my roommate's car is 10 years younger and still having expensive problems so it's like. sure by the time I've fixed everything wrong w this one I could have gotten (ripped off at current prices) a newer car but I'd still have to pay for repairs...but still. feel like I'm speedrunning becoming an auto mechanic. I wish I'd paid more attention to my dad talking about cars when I was younger but I didn't care about them then so you know. brain didn't want to learn about stuff it didn't care about. At least he seems willing to explain stuff now so I might call him again...

    I just. hate that I *could* be making more money if I spent every waking moment working...I've gotten a couple offers for side stuff to take home but I literally cant manage it. I don't have time I'm always so tired. as is I've been staying late at work as much as I can for the extra hrs...
  19. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    just a picture. right now after taxes I make $1700/mo. rent+utilities is $850. Loan is $230 car insurance $75 train pass $30 (only because i have the disability one its usually nearly $100). leaves $515 which is honestly how much I tend to spend on food. I could pare it down to maybe $300 once Aki & I sit down and work out a defined food budget. thankfully my HSA has been enough for meds & medical bills. gas went up so its roughly $40-60/mo. That leaves maybe $150. I could try to stop relying on the car so much and use my bike more but that would only save maybe $30 and its getting cold. not to mention my plan was to try to pay someone for a parking space but now...

    I keep coming back to "I guess I need to open commissions" but it's so daunting to manage that on top of everything else. I don't know. but the car is basically a necessity right now, if nothing else to get Aki to doctor appointments.

    technically getting a "free" $850 in Dec since I get paid 3 times but its probably going to car repairs I won't even be able to use it to pay my card off...
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2021
  20. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    the one good thing that happened this week was I got some pants that actually fit bc I got to pick out some uniform pieces from the other store that has larger sizes than ours...the manager there was super sweet too, it was a slow day so she insisted on treating me like a customer while I tried stuff on, it was weird being fussed over but lol.
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