Adulting is Hard etc

Spoiler: just speculation that won't go anywhere. not abt suicide

partner and I have been talking about getting a place together. They're still stuck at home bc of various issues making it hard for them to get a job. I help when I can but it's such a similar situation to my own because they need a more understanding environment to be able to make progress even if the progress is slow. But their parents are elderly and their mom is kinda. Similar to mine in some ways and then she has her own extremely hard to deal with stuff. Not understanding of mental health stuff, or rather does that thing where she seems to understand but then goes back to her old unhelpful and flat out detrimental behavior.

ideally I wish I could move in because it's a massive house and there is space and I think their mom could use extra hands around esp because their dad is 20 years older and becoming too elderly to drive. And she looks after her grandkids bc partner's brother and his wife both work a lot. It'll be another few years bf the littlest one can go to school.

But at the same time being around their mother is stressful for them and I don't think she would want me to live there because they took me in for a few months during a bad depressive spell when I couldn't stand living w my parents anymore. I'd promised to get a job but I ended up just lying around depressed and playing video games all day. And eventually their mom got fed up and I had to go back to my parents. So even tho I'm employed now (and theoretically could even pay them rent as long as it's not what I'm paying for my current place) I think she wouldn't trust me again...I don't know.

tl;Dr for partner's well-being they need to move out but they can't afford it and I can't support them. (if I could I absolutely would) On the other hand the parents are getting elderly and might be reaching a stage where the can't look after themselves. (The dad is v stubborn and the mom is stressed because she's probably too old to be looking after 2 young children and her elderly husband while being up there herself.)

trying to be realistic bc I don't think it would be good to go into it be living my presence could reduce the stress on partner but theoretically it could? Because they have exec dys issues with cleaning and I love cleaning for whatever dumb reason, meanwhile I'm terrible at feeding myself and they love cooking. So we make a good team. We get a lot of shit done when I visit & both have more energy because we're eating properly.

Going to actually ask my partner what they think abt all this. I just wanted to get it down somewhere.

 

partner wants you to move in but mom will probably say no. @_@ honestly the best i can do now is like... study. for my driving permit. Its odd that i was more productive at helen's in terms of studying but i did more reading there in 2 days than i had in the past month back home X_X

we can check out the career network thing together if you want. i really want a job but i need something that is like VERY LITTLE to NO social involvement because ill punch someone after a week probably D:

edit: posted with wrong account 8D;;; fix'd

 

oh also meant to say heres kind of a plan? If we can get a place thats cheaper, esp between the two of us, mom said she'd pay my rent for a year if i got a job. which means that i could save up for a car by the end of the year, and put my own money in savings for rent for the next year. So if we go to that place your therapist mentioned, maybe we could find some job thats easy enough for me to get to regularly that isn't soul sucking. my issue is i dont live in boston NOW so its hard to get anywhere consistently. ... so its kind of like the "you need x number of years of experience to apply for entry level job, but needs entry level job to get experience" situation. ... "need job to live someplace near work but need to live someplace near work to get job" lol ._.

We can figure this stuff out. I DO have some money saved up for an EMERGENCY. If that emergency is moving out someplace else, then so be it. We can talk about it when you get home.

 

when i asked she changed the rules on me again. lmao. shocker.

went from "I'll pay your rent for a year if you save your money for a year" to "I'll supplement your rent, so whatever you cant cover with your paycheck i will pay. I'll make sure you wont be rich, but you'll get by". ...actual words out of her mouth.

edit: therefore im not sure its a good idea to even ask her about you moving in at this point. eugh... i hate her sometimes

 

honestly really tempted to use that emergency money and get out of here. because I'd be more motivated to get a job if I wasnt here. >.<

 

Keyboard, mouse, and desk chair are all kinda going out at the same time. I can't complain too much because they all lasted me like 7+ years each, but I can't afford to drop that much money on replacing all of that them at once. Bleh.

Chair will probably be most expensive. I've been wanting a more comfortable one for a while but they're so pricy. Ugh. I wonder if I can hold out until christmas.

Keyboard I can probably get something cheaper but the mouse...I need a vertical mouse, it stresses my wrist less. The one I have is an expensive brand but high-quality and after doing some research it seems anything cheaper isn't worth it. But the newest model is $90 D: maybe I could get a used one?? Or one model back? Not sure where to find them if they're no longer being made.

Parents keep calling me periodically and idk what to do about it besides ignore.

 

Just going to c/p this. edited a bit for clarity & privacy of the person i was talking to

Enzel: my mom came in to see me at work

Spoiler: long

Enzel: i don't feel good.

Enzel: im angry but i also feel sick and i feel more sick than angry
Enzel: she did this whole "we can communicate better, please come talk to us" and I couldn't say anything so i just stood there
Enzel: and there were people around so
Enzel: not that many but still
Enzel: she kept talking and offering suggestions of where to meet until i was finally like "can i text you later"
Enzel: and she was like "ok, please do, can i have a hug"
Enzel: so i had to hug her bc if i refused id look like a huge jerk in front of anyone there and i didn't know what she'd do
Enzel: and now im stuck between really wanting to believe that she wants to communicate and knowing that this is just the same bs all over again
Enzel: so i have to make a plan of what to say and stick to it
Enzel: but i really, really want to tell her how i really feel!!
Enzel: but I know tha'ts a bad idea because she'll just use it against me like she fucking always does!!
Enzel: i hate how gullible i am and i hate knowing im falling for it and also knowing that i really just
Enzel: want her to actually care and love me and thats why i keep letting her hurt me
Enzel: is because i wish she actually loved me
Enzel: and i was trying to explain it to my coworker after and i realized that my PARENTS are the ones that made me think i need to like
Enzel: do whatever i can to stop other people from feeling bad
Enzel: because their reaction to bad emotion was basically "stop feeling like that' instead of FUCKING COMFORTING ME
Enzel: and LETTING ME FEEL BAD AND THEN LETTING IT PASS
Enzel: instead they taught me that its BAD to feel bad

Enzel: i've just been in this weird numb state ever since
Enzel: and my skin is crawling bc i had to hug her
Enzel: and i hate it
Enzel: i was thinking that maybe i could say that i'm not speaking to them unless it's over text
Enzel: but i really just DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THEM AT ALL

Enzel: i don't know
Enzel: im going to have to talk to them eventually
Enzel: i'm just not
Enzel: i know if i do i wont be able to express myself properly
Enzel: and i'm afraid ill just feel shittier because they'll walk all over me again

Enzel: it's horrible to realize that your mother doesn't love you

Enzel: i dont know
Enzel: i wish i didn't feel it
Enzel: i wish i could blame her more
Enzel: but it just makes me feel worthless
Enzel: like i failed at being worthy of love somehow

Enzel: it's worse because she THINKS she loves me
Enzel: i think if she told me she didn't it might be easier

definitely going to run this by my therapist tomorrow and trying to push away the urge to reply right away. my dad sent me a text after this too. in the past I'd try to engage w him but now it just feels like he knows he can get me to respond when my mom can't and he's using that. I don't trust him anymore.

Spoiler: other stuff re: recent forum happenings

I keep wanting to offer my inbox to people who need an ear on having a friend make suicide threats/attempts but I'm worried i'm not stable enough myself to do so. I feel totally useless.

 

Want to be in bed, not going to work

 

Slob roommate left kitchen a complete mess yesterday, i with low spoon reserve attempted to clean some but left a single pot from my meal in the sink last night, washed it today, used it again for another meal, put it back in the sink to soak while I'm at work

Neat Freak roommate blew up at both of us over text

I am too tired to deal with this on top of my parents' bs

Logically I know she doesn't know I tried to clean and it's not rly my fault but I don't want to have to explain myself to her all the time

I understand her frustration at slob roommate but they've been living together for longer than I've been there and I guess she hasn't figured out that yelling doesn't make her more likely to clean up after herself?

Either we need to actually have a chore chart or ask her what would help her remember to clean up or have time to, but seriously, shaming her isn't going to work if it hasn't already

 

Like

The other week I threw out some rotten fruit that was on the kitchen table. NF RM told me later that she'd put it out (I guess it was in the fridge?) In hopes that Slob RM would take the hint to throw out her own expired food

Clearly it did not work because they had been on the table for days. She just does not notice messes somehow!! They don't register! Some people are like that! If this tactic of yelling and weird PA leaving out gross food isn't working maybe try a different one or move somewhere you're alone and don't have to deal with other people!

I really need to find someone to take my room and leave.

 

My mom keeps talking to my about her inevitable death and I'm like what the fuck is wrong with you. You're 60. Why has the concept of mortality set in for you suddenly, also please stop

She's told me about 3 times in the past year that if she ever gets dementia I should kill her somehow. She seems to be joking but it creeps me the hell out. And now she's going on a trip w dad and texts me saying "if anything happens, you're the trust, no pressure!"

Like what the actual fuck.

This last text came out of the blue, too. I haven't set out the arrangements for how I want us to "talk" because I've been too busy.

Spoiler: unrelated. not great. dunno what to do.

Spoiler

Spoiler

the holler closet threads were made for a reason but people posting super self-deprecating and suicidal stuff constantly in the status box is, I think, legitimately triggering right now. I cannot handle it. I'm constantly on edge with my brain screaming at me to fix it but I can't. I don't even know them. And then the guilt sets in.

 

Those fucking fb articles/shared images that are like "if they're always late it means they don't value your time"

Thanks for telling me I don't care about people because I have time blindness. If I knew how to fix this I WOULD HAVE ALREADY

do people think it's *fun* to always be worried you're going to get fired?

To keep disappointing people?

Just another voice added to the mantra of "if you fail at something it means you didn't care enough"

If I didn't care would I be constantly full of anxiety!?

I can't believe it took me so long to figure out how fucked up my emotional process is. No wonder I considered myself "not an angry person" despite being easily upset. I didn't want to admit that I'm volatile because it was terrifying. (Not that it isn't still. I'm afraid of being careless and saying something I can't take back.)

"It's not good to be angry" so I just felt shame instead

I am angry. I'm angry at a lot of things but just angry in general and I think I'm taking it out on minor things because they feel more "acceptable"

Am I more emotional because of dumb period hormones or just worse at repressing it? If it's the latter does that mean that what I'm really like is angry, petty and miserable?

 

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler

I'm seriously jealous of people who can be self-deprecating in the status box/public non-vent threads. This is horrible because I'm clearly not as miserable as they are. I shouldn't be jealous of people who have it harder than me!! What the fuck. I should be grateful I'm not suicidal.

I just want to be comforted but I constantly worry about being manipulative and other people being self-deprecating and then rejecting anyone who tries to contradict them fucks with me. I know their brains are lying to them but my brain is telling me "you'll never be good enough no matter what you do for them" with a side heaping of reminders of my mom doing her "oh I'm such a horrible parent what did I ever do wrong raising you" thing when she wanted to feel sorry for herself instead of actually listening to my needs

I don't know. *do* I have bpd!? I'm fucking tired of emotional pinball

I've also been a jerk to my partner a lot lately and we talked it out but I just feel like a fucking idiot because I don't know *why*. Like its resolved and I don't want to bug them and I hope I don't do it again but I still don't know why I said those things and thought they were ok at the time?? If I didn't know at the time how am I supposed to prevent it in the future? I'm getting careless. I'm so tired. What is wrong with me.

 

*holds up pet shaming-style sign* I forget things I've said before and repeat them to people several times over and it really annoys them

 

You know that person that every friend group has that's annoying and no one really wants around but they're too nice to say anything about it

80% of the time I'm sure I'm that person

 

Trying to focus on putting "getting myself fed properly" at the top of the list regardless of spoons

/stares at the ceiling

 

hi, inexplicable feeling of dread. didn't miss ya

realized that my parents being on a trip means i could go to their place and use their huge washing machine for my quilt. did that. feel a bit better now that it's clean. Also grabbed some things i left. still need to liberate some boxes of books but i think they are safe for now.

The house is super empty, it's really weird. Like my sister left a lot of stuff in her room, a weird amount of clothes, but my old room is basically bare. just boxes in the closet.

I grabbed a winter quilt too. there's only one twin bed in the house anymore anyway and its for guests and already has a quilt. Plus there are 2 (from when my sister and i shared a room) so they won't miss it. i kept looking at quilts to buy one but they're just too expensive.

im sure they'd have just given it to me if i asked which is why i took it, but i just didn't feel like talking to them. im still trying to decide what my terms are.

Brother called me to check in. it was appreciated. he talked about his work a bit which was interesting. (he does research with medieval manuscripts.) gave me some advice about dealing w the parents. "what do you think I've been doing ever since I left" I'm...pretty dense I guess. My mom has complained how "selfish" he is that he doesn't make enough time for the family. I thought he was just busy/distracted. It didn't occur to me he dislikes being around her as much as i do.

Sometimes i worry that i havent done enough for my sister but I have to remember i don't resent my brother for just getting himself the hell out of dodge. There's only so much each of us can do. I worry about her but if she won't respond to my texts there's no much i can do, realistically.

Worrying about money now. trying not to. should be getting a decent paycheck in a couple days. still not enough to live on alone, tho. im going to be getting more hours at work but i need to stop being late. don't know how. I've tried a lot of things and some work for a bit and then just stop.

 

some good news: had to return a defective appliance and i was worried I'd be given trouble for it but the lady at the store was super nice about it and it took 5 mins. I was having anxiety about it last night so. (basically partner and i bought a slow cooker but the top was warped. so we bought another hoping it was just a one time defect and the second one was also defective...I returned one to the store and I'm emailing the manufacturer about the first one. According to online reviews this is an occasional defect so we had some bad luck i guess.)

managed to get a new version of my keyboard for way cheaper than I thought it would be, plus there's a $10 mail-in rebate. Rebates are a pain in the ass but i need that $10 so I'm gonna do it. Also looked at office chairs on craigslist and i can probably get my hands on one for less than $50 which means i can splurge on a nice mouse when xmas rolls around. That's a relief. I was dreading having to shell out like $300 total to replace all this stuff.

Next mission: eat real food bf going to work so i am not full of low blood sugar and regret later

 

it's halloween. im home sick. This is...fine? I mean i wish i could have gone to work, but i feel like crap, so i called out. I just feel bad leaving my coworker alone on a holiday. but multiple people saw me being lethargic and miserable yesterday. so im just staying home and playing my game. at least i have more time to do the in-game event i wanted to. but money. sigh.

I mean, i took a cab to work sunday because i needed the extra hour of sleep. which cost me an hour and a half's worth of pay. I cant regret it but im annoyed it was necessary.

rambling.

it's my mom's birthday. we still haven't really talked. she texted to ask if I'd go out to eat for her bday with them. i said sorry, im sick. which is true. but i probably would have made up an excuse anyway because. ugh. even if i can't stand her id rather not have an argument on her birthday? but i can't pretend everything is ok.

apparently she's 60 this year. for some reason i thought she was a little older but i may be remembering my dad's 60th. (they're a couple years apart.)

her text said something like "I hope you're doing well, I miss you" and also she asked if i wanted them to bring me takeout. (since sick) can't decide. could really use free premade food spoon-wise. not sure i want the drain of interacting with parents, but i do have being sick as an excuse to keep it short. I. ugh.

therapist agreed with my idea of asserting boundaries by not accepting favors anymore because i dont know which "favors" are actually going to be used as currency later. but i really want some damn pizza.

:/

been trying not to think about the cognitive dissonance involved with the fact that my mom probably does think she cares about me but she's so shittily self-absorbed that like. she's really bad at actually making me feel like she does and it's harmful to me. Like i don't think she's lying when she says she worries about me and misses me. She just doesn't. get. what I need and refuses to listen. She wishes my needs would conform to what she wants to give me, rather than actually considering what they are.

 

feeling super nervous/self conscious/anxious. for reasonable and unreasonable reasons. ugh.

really want to move out of this place