Adulting is Hard etc

it turns out apartment doors are like, shitty and hollow, which is why NF roommate can hear me on discord at night and other roommate whose room is actually next to mine can't. SO the walls are super insulated but sound travels right thru the doors.

solutions are basically soundproof my stupid door somehow or no more talking to partner at night. because im really not good at regulating my tone of voice.

im now nervous and embarrassed about what my roommate may have heard -_- not like relationship talk but we have a lot of convos about weird stuff and the game we play and i have NO CLUE what it would sound like out of context. Like the other night we were discussing some drama from tumblr. and now im paranoid my rm heard me talking about "pedophiles" and thinks... i dont know?! aughghghgg

crawls into bed miserably


edit: partner pointed out that rm is a lot like my mom personality wise and im like holy shit this is the LAsT THING I NEED

she complains to me about other roommate, the landlord, and the guy who had my room before, meanwhile she's probably complaining about me to other people!! i can't fucking handle this.

everything is so awkward, she banged on my door tonight and startled me and was really pissed off and like. I UNDERSTAND. I FUCKED UP. but now im like wonderful she probably hates me and can't wait for me to be gone

i can't wait for me to be gone from this apartment. im tired of living with strangers im totally incompatible with and paying way too much money to do so

 

I rarely get actual insomnia where I want to sleep but physically can't, but I sure do stay up way too late a lot because my brain is like NO SLEEPING UNTIL YOU DO. ALL THE THINGS!!! Like I can't let myself sleep because I'll miss something.

 

Trying to write some...positive?? stuff but it didn't work so well...

Discussed w therapist my random episodes of "body is reacting as if I'm anxious despite there being nothing to be anxious about". His response was basically "you're probably anxious about something but can't think of what it is, or its compiled stress from multiple smaller things." I suspect this is true. He suggested guided meditation, which I'm going to try to look into. I know I've seen people on here taking about it bf. I've previously tried regular meditation but it never worked because lol adhd.

I'm constantly grateful for how understanding he is. Like I kinda knew all my previous therapists were...not great? Ranging from "unhelpful" to "kinda terrible" but I had nothing to compare them to. And the fact that he also has ADHD means he's good at finding strategies tailored to that.

One thing that I'm still trying to grasp is...frequently he says stuff like "you're doing a lot of hard work in therapy so you should do something nice for yourself." Which is basic self-care, right? And I think he's trying to repair my association of rewards and positive reinforcement. Because I've talked about how I can't feel good about accomplishing things often. Like if a task has been stressing me out because it's difficult, I don't usually feel *good* about finally finishing it, I just feel relief. Which is technically a positive emotion but in this case it's neutral?

I mean let's say my baseline is in the negative a lot because I get stressed out by impending tasks. And when those tasks don't get done they become Late Tasks and the stress I feel about them is worse, which inconveniently makes it harder for me to do them.

Once I push through whatever is impeding me and Do The Thing, the task is completed. It's off the list. The negative numbers get taken off...and return me to baseline neutral. I don't get a positive boost, I just get the negativity removed. And sometimes not all of it because I have lingering guilt about being late, or even consequences I have to deal with.

So basically it's no wonder I've been in a fog since like age 15, I've been feeling like that since then. Homework was the first thing that caused it and now it's adult responsibilities. I feel like I'm always behind and playing catch-up and half drowning.

The things that DO make me feel good about accomplishing are the things I've chosen to do myself, like hobbies and games and stuff. But even then, if doing the thing is too difficult and I get stalled, it gets added to the Negative pile. There's been a few times I've tackled difficult problems and succeeded by telling myself to be patient and trying a bunch of angles til one works. But it doesn't always succeed, and if I don't succeed I always feel worse.

(That was a lot of words to say "perfectionist" but w/e)

I'm still trying to be ok with failure instead of it sending me spiraling down, basically. And I know some of it is that I need to give myself more time for things and plan ahead. Ex. The last cosplay costume I made that I felt proud about, I started 4-5 months early and worked on it a little bit every day instead of trying to do it all at once at the last minute. That was great! But I honestly don't know how I got myself to do it like that.

I think some things will probably improve when I have more space? Because constantly worrying about levels of cleanliness bc of roommates is stressful. And my room is half the size of my old one so I literally can't leave projects out for long periods of time. That sucks. Because I figured out that the whole "taking something out and setting up every time I want to work on it" is super spoon draining. But it's not realistic to skip that in my current space. Most of my room is taken up by storage boxes. :/ I don't even have enough floor space to cut fabric and the living room floor is gross.

That was a huge tangent...but as for the reward thing, I finally admitted that when he told me to do something nice for myself i often couldn't think of something. The thing is...i buy my own food and stuff. I have a sweet tooth, and ever since I've had my own income I basically just buy sweets or ice cream whenever I feel like it. Sometimes I say "ok I feel crappy as hell I deserve some damn ice cream" but like. There's nothing actually stopping me the rest of the time? So it doesn't feel like an actual reward, just an indulgence, because I don't really have impulse control.

This is why my parents bribing me never really worked once I had more autonomy because I was like "I could just get the thing you're dangling in front of me myself and not do what you want."

I wish there were more nature around here. I need to move out of the city. Taking walks was recommended for de-stressing but there's nowhere close by that's nice and not super urban. I need trees. Making myself the the bus to a park or something is extra spoon drain. Maybe I can bribe myself with Pokemon go? Blah.

Trying to keep in mind that therapy is gonna dredge up a lot of crap that is going to make me feel worse before I feel better. I've done a lot more emotion-burying than I realized. I guess I always thought that since I complained a lot and spoke about my crap easily that meant I didn't hold stuff in?

 

I'm miserable and exhausted and everyone I know is miserable and exhausted and I can't find words to comfort people so I've just said nothing. I'm so tired.

My mom came in to my work AGAIN to be like "we should put aside our problems and just being a family during times like this" and I'm like yeah no I'm not here to be your emotional support. Sorry if that's cruel but "being a family" is not comforting to me if we don't address why we had problems to begin with.

Yet again everything is about her feelings.

She didn't fucking comfort me when I needed it, I cannot do emotional labor for anyone right now least of all her.

 

Therapist said I should just keep telling her ill talk to her when I'm up to it. Trying to think about how to set that boundary more explicitly.

I have a lot of stuff I want to say to her but I don't know if there's any point. She keeps saying she wants to understand but I don't want to spend a bunch of time and effort and hope explaining to have her just not get it again.

Spoiler: Probably uncharitable of me but idc

my mom was born in the mid 50s. She lived thru the civil rights movement. Yet it was the marathon bombing that made her come to me all upset saying that so many terrible things were happening and the world was getting worse. Was it just because it was close to home? No, it's because she has no fucking perspective. Some of it is probably white privilege but shes just a self-absorbed person. I think she does have empathy but she reacts to it like "why are these things/people making ME feel bad" rather than reaching out or being kind. So many shitty things have happened in this country in every era. This is real for us right now but things are not getting "worse". People have always had to fight for their dignity and their lives.

that doesn't trivialize what's happening. I'm sure she's legitimately distressed. She's just distressed for the wrong reasons.

 

Goddammit, I forgot to ask about flu shots while I was at the doctor's. I did pick up my meds at least. Psych appt next week. (This will be my first one since my old one passed away.)

Therapist suggested I talk about raising my dosage since the meds do seem to do SOMETHING but not quite enough. I'm also going to ask about anti-anxiety stuff. I took one ages ago that I remember worked.

 

people being assholes in my escape from reality (MMO) usually sucks but it sucks extra bad now that i really need that escape

 

Mom is yellow. I'm blue.

This was after she came into my work and begged me to reconcile with her, and to get her to go away I agreed to send her an email explaining what my problems with her are.

I told her I am busy this weekend (yesterday I had therapy, grocery shopping, work) and that I couldn't guarantee it right away. So ofc this morning she texts me this.

I'm so tired.

 

she creeps me out so much. she better not come to my house :| ughhh
good luck with your email if you get around to it D: <3
You're still welcome here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Always happy to be your excuse lmao

 

Right, every time I think she couldn't get more self-absorbed she manages to surprise me :|

She's acting like the world is ending and she has to fix all her problems before she dies by...like...pretending they don't exist anymore? Like I'm going to stop being mad at her because she promised not to talk about money on Thanksgiving?

If she thinks I'm going to pull any punches because she's upset and fragile because the country is going to shit, she's in for a problem. I'm going to be very honest about how she fucked up.

 

lmfao is it really surprise at this point, or just disappointment and/or disgust?
I'm sorry but whether or not the world is ending, your issues are more important right now in this situation because you're more directly affected by it... so her making this about her and you needing to support her emotionally is just plain gross :|

 

Yep, her M.O. is projection. I keep thinking of all the times she's called other people selfish because they didn't cater to what *she* wanted. But no, she can't be selfish, she's a martyr who does soooo much for other people right

She loves making her feelings more important than people's actual problems. See: back when I came out to her and she was basically like "instead of telling you I love you no matter what I'm going to tell you how worried I am that you'll be bullied because the world is mean to gay people"

Or refusing to continue family therapy because it "made her upset" to see me cry.

Just. Lol. Or when she did stuff that hurt my feelings and I told her she'd say "but I didn't mean it like that" (implied: I don't need to apologize you just need to stop feeling hurt)

but when I hurt her feelings and said "I didn't mean it like that" she says it doesn't matter and I should apologize

Gah. I know *you* know all this, I'm just trying to remind myself.

 

Nah, I think it's good to get down tbh. If you want data to quantify that:

Five years later, I'm still laughing about that time still where I made her dinner (so that you could drive me home asap) because I needed to go home because my school finals were the next few days and I needed to prepare my presentations and finish a few things in my projects and she legitimately said to me "I didn't tell you to make me dinner, I told my daughter to make dinner for us" instead of "thank you" or showing any sort of appreciation. And then when I told her I needed to go home because I have to prepare for school the next day (mind you its almost 9pm at that point) she was like "You should stay for dinner. We're going to eat soon" and then when i declined and reiterated my reasons, she said "well you HAVE TO stay for dinner. Isabella can't use the car until everyone's done eating". Her dinners last like 2 hours minimum. I'd be home at 11pm at the EARLIEST at that point. My class was at 8am.

I told her it was selfish to impede my education. She was like "How is THAT selfish?? I'm being hospitable!!" and she at once point made a grab for my arm to drag me into the kitchen. Sorry not sorry lady, but I've had one too many abusive friends in my life time. I know how to deal with people like you.

So I just up and exercized my independence that she hoped I didn't realise I had and walked to the train instead and went home lmao. She's still butthurt that I hold her responsible for something she did wrong.

The kicker is that she's a teacher, touts the importance of doing well in school and she even graduated from the school I was going to at the time.

 

Quality vintage Mom moon logic

Iirc the reason you helped by making dinner is that she always asked me to do shit for her and I had difficulty with it because executive dysfunction? Esp cooking? And ofc if I didn't do it she'd call me lazy and selfish and careless.

I do regret not standing up for you more bc I was always trying to minimize her bullshit. :(

 

Yeah, it's because you were overwhelmed by something else iirc and its okay. I think if you had stood up for me I would not have stood up for myself. I needed to do that. I was just thinking about this recently because I remember I cooked fried rice for her and I just made fried rice for the first time since then yesterday.

I'm just very "Get Stuff Done" and once im on a roll I dont see why I can't help out if I can. But I would've at least thought that even if she was upset at you for not doing it, that it at least warrented her thanking me for it. lmao. thats what any non-self centered person would do.

EDIT: I also remember part of why i did it was because you were struggling, I knew it would take a while. And I knew that if your mom came home before we left, she wouldn't let us leave. So I did it hoping we'd be gone before she got home.

 

Looking back on it I just. It's so clear now that her fundamental understanding on the world is just...broken? And kind of sad? This idea that if you don't accomplish something it's because you didn't "want" it enough. What does that say about how she views failure?

She's not a happy person. And this is despite that she's got enough money to throw at a beach house and summer trips to Europe every year. The way she views success and rewards and...how she used to constantly blame me for her feelings. "You're stressing me out, you made me do this, if you just did x then I wouldn't be upset". And then telling me what *I* felt and not accepting when I told her otherwise. Acting like my emotions were something I could turn on and off but then making me responsible for hers.

Saying no one can influence another person's feelings isn't true but...she basically decided from the get go that every time I failed to do something she wanted me to do, I was lazy or trying to spite her (or her fav word: selfish) but I all came back to it being like. A personal attack on her if I didn't act in a very specific way. It couldn't be because I was tired or overwhelmed, no, it was because I didn't -care- enough and to her that's the ultimate insult. Not lying down like a doormat and catering to her every whim or her ideas about how to conduct yourself in society.

(See: how she used to bitch to me that you wouldn't say hello or goodbye to her when you came over. Never considered that you might not have been taught the same etiquette, or that you didn't know she was there, or that maybe you just forgot and had other stuff on your mind. Failure to observe her idea of courtesy to a T was a PREMEDITATED PERSONAL ATTACK. You were being RUDE ON PURPOSE.)

I mean, on top of that, she doesn't want to hear me use the word "disabled" (ADHD IS A DISABILITY) because it's me feeling sorry for myself or something (acting like it's a terrible word that only people who are really badly off can use???) And doesn't want to hear that I'm going to be living with it for the rest of my life. She's convinced with enough therapy I will become "normal" somehow instead of just...learning to mitigate it. Basically. And always wants to know what I'm doing in therapy like the nosy asshole she is, but if I actually tell her what techniques I'm trying she dismisses them or asks if they're "working yet".

I should mention when she came in to bug me at work she asked if I had managed to stop being late to work. Fuck you, mom.

Like, if I said yes it would be a lie, and then she'd ask how I managed it and I hate lying and wouldn't be able to come up w an answer.

If I said no she'd get all disappointed and ask if therapy is really working. (this is what actually happened)

It takes time and trial and error. Fuckin hell.

Part of the reason I try to dissect her behavior and figure out why she does stuff is because I want to see if I can make an English to Mom Logic dictionary but idk if that's even possible. My brother and sister are better at acting so they can play along w her better but I'm not.

 

...a point I forgot is that a thing I am unlearning now is like. That it isn't bad to do things differently if you can't do them the normal way. And that it's not bad to have someone else help you if you can't handle something. Maybe you'll never be able to do it alone. So what??

A big reason I hardly ever asked my parents for help is that I never knew then they'd decide the thing I needed help with was something I "should" be able to do and shame or lecture me instead of helping.

 

things to maybe do tomorrow:

-take meds
-make food (probably fry that tofu i have and make rice.)

-possibly do a bit of grocery shopping to make up for stuff the store was out of last week
-emails!! (give details abt hat commission)
-see if doing rebate for keyboard is still viable
-call my brother. (need advice about some stuff. like banks. D:)
-do laundry

Spoiler: rambling about organizing and having too much stuff :(

i have a couple boxes of Stuff To Get Rid of and im wondering if i should try reorganizing my room again. I feel like i'd be comfier if i had a little more breathing room but i have so much stuff. at the v least i could reorganize it to fit better maybe? esp since I've gotten rid of a lot of unworn clothes. i feel like i can plan how to use space more efficiently now that i've been here for a bit and i know what i do and don't need to access frequently.

I'd also like to get my project/sewing table cleared off so i can use it, I've just sort of been piling stuff on it that i didn't have the spoons to find a home for. Also i should keep consolidating stuff...maybe get a couple more large boxes from Target so i don't have a million little boxes. (i need to get rid of some little boxes too. I hoard containers.) i really wonder where my mentality of "keep everything you might need it someday, if you can obtain something for free you must keep it even if you don't need it" came from. it's not like I was deprived of material stuff as a child. But i guess i wasn't allowed to get stuff that I personally wanted for a long time because my parents never approved of my interests. I've got like 3-4 tins that used to contain hot cocoa mix etc. what are they for? idk, i might need them SOMEDAY. that sort of thing.

i really want a new dresser, honestly. idk if it would help but the one i currently have is an old hand me down and the one that got moldy. some of my clothes still smell a bit even tho i wash them, check that they don't smell, but if they sit in the drawer for like a week they smell again. I checked if the mold came back (it didn't, i don't think? i bleached the hell out of it) and even put cedar blocks in all my drawers to absorb odors but idk. it's not really a convenient size either, half of my clothes aren't in it. i might just have too many clothes still...i keep finding more crap that my mom would get me without considering if i'd wear it or not. and I have a bad habit of buying things just because they're on sale, not bc i really want them. (getting better at curbing that urge.) I need to think about what I actually use. (like...scarves. I have so many scarves. people keep giving them to me as gifts!! what do i do with them)

after taking that last class in school tho, i feel kind of ashamed about getting rid of clothes. or not doing SOMETHING with them. the clothing industry is a mess and produces too much and a whole lot of stuff that gets donated to charities just gets shredded and turned into rugs because there's literally too much of it. :( I keep telling myself im going to Make Stuff with all the random crap I collect but lol exec dysfunction. I mean, that would be the best case scenario. make stuff, sell it, get rid of hoard and obtain money!! now just...where did i put my motivation...


that's a Whole Day project tho, knowing me. when i start cleaning/organizing i don't stop. i could do that tomorrow and then the other stuff Wednesday since I have an appointment in the morning and I'd be outside already. it's easier to do stuff like shopping if i have another reason to leave my room, lmao...

 

First meeting w new psychologist went well I think. Getting my dosage raised a bit and a new med for anxiety. Will see how it goes.

 

aaauuuugh

i preordered pokemon months ago and apparently forgot to set my apartment as my default address so its being sent to my PARENTS' house. I just changed it but it's probably too late.

i hope it comes on monday when they're both at work...im going to have to go hang out there or something...ugghghhgg.

i dont think they'll throw it away but they sure will use it as leverage to get me to come see them. :| at least I still have my key.