Advice one detaching objects/names from bad memories/exes

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Oberan315, May 3, 2015.

  1. Oberan315

    Oberan315 New Member

    Ok so I have had quite a few exes (and some that only came to "almost relationships") that have really screwed me over. For a while after they are gone the pain is still there and seem to attach itself to things that either we did together or that remind me of them. I have mostly gotten over the person who used me and who was my first but I still can't listen to Celtic Women without feeling sick and Voltaire without feeling angry . My first thought is "i hate them," when in all actuality I really kind of like them... its just because he introduced me to them that i have trouble enjoying it.

    I am having this problem from my last... whatever he was. He introduced me to the web series R.W.B.Y. and I like binge watched the first season and loved it. He is OBSESSED with dinosaurs and we were looking forward to trying to see the new Jurassic Park for my birthday. He also had a thing for Bayonetta and (while I had the game before i met him) we decided we would play through the game together since i was not very far and he like 100% it but never played 2 (i have the wiiu version with 1 and 2).

    I'm still in the anger/sad/unforgiving stage I guess but I was just wondering if anyone had any tips or things that helped them disassociate good things from bad situations? I didn't realize how bad it was until this weekend when I had to walk completely around this one section of a boardwalk because they had a dinosaur exhibit and i couldn't tell my friends why x.x
  2. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    Oh man, I feel this. I mean, I've never really had any loud/angry break-ups, so usually what i get from this stuff is a weird feeling of "fuck i fucked up fuck this is awkward ugh jesus fuck"

    So I don't know if I'll help much.

    But if you keep watching these shows and listening to this music, you'll be able to pair it with new memories.

    The issue is that sounds are connected to memory pretty well (I mean, scents are even worse, but), and so, if you can think of something to do while listening to that music, you will (a) totally feel that initial feeling. you might never stop thinking "oh man, this dickbag" when you listen to a specific song. brains are weird. (b) you have a pretty good chance of thinking about that music in a different way, or connecting it to new memories.

    I guess, just go for it anyway. the first few seconds are going to be ridiculous. but it's pretty hard to spend the entire time through a song only thinking of one thing. (or maybe it isn't. i'm speaking from my not-very-intense experiences here, so feel free to disregard this completely. :) )
    • Like x 1
  3. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    In my experience, some things (especially names) are kinda gone forever, unless you rewrite the brain with good stuff. For example: there was a girl in elementary school who hated my guts. A really good friend of mine that I met in university had the same name (she's since changed it but 'tis a moot point). I no longer hate the name with such visceral fury as I did before, but I'm still not gonna give that name to any of my kids.

    Music - give it time. There are a handful of songs that I associate strongly with a period of really shit stuff goin' down from about a couple years ago, but they are slowly regaining their "oh I really like this song" instead of "oh gee this makes me remember all this bullshit". The key to that has literally just been time, and actually not forcing myself to listen to it - like, if it comes on Shuffle, and I get the immediate stomach-twist and anxiety spike, I'll usually skip it. Not worth brooding over for 4 minutes and possibly longer. Some of them are still gut-twisters, years on, but a lot of them are just fine now.

    Something that can definitely help is experiencing things with new people - especially good friends. Like, maybe you should tell a good friend about the boardwalk thing - just a "hey so dinosaurs make me feel super awkward right now because of Asshole Ex, that's why I avoided it the other day. but I really don't want to be stuck in that rut forever, so could we maybe go this Saturday and get ice cream and have loads of fun to spit on his metaphorical grave?" This also helps with music, or TV shows, or whatever. I have a friend who made some great memories with a bf - and when their relationship turned abusive and they eventually broke up, there were places she couldn't go until she took a bunch of friends (all in the know) and had a positively fantastic time in order to give a big "FUCK YOU" to the old memories.

    It may also help to write out what you're feeling - by hand if you can. Just getting it out of your brain will help with convincing your brain that you've acknowledged the pain and it doesn't need to keep bashing you over the head with it. Sometimes it helps to burn whatever you've written. Sometimes you're gonna need to write it out several times.

    Our brains make strong connections when it comes to emotional trauma. Sometimes we can overwrite them, but sometimes you have to make stronger, happier connections. Also - do remember that it is one hundred percent okay to be pissed off, and for this to take time. Share the pissed-off-edness if you can: there's nothing like your friends being pissed on your behalf to remind your brain that yeah, this guy was actually an ass, and he did some shit and it fucking hurt, and that is valid.

    Good luck!
    • Like x 5
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