Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Verily, Jan 8, 2017.
I think maybe it's anxiety :(
Yeah, it’s almost certainly best to continue efforts in anxiety management. They do help a lot, it’s just a long term process and I get frustrated because it’s hard to see the progress.
I keep wondering how it works when I pick up other people’s anxiety and start getting tense. What is it exactly that I’m noticing? It’s nothing conscious, because I can’t tell whether it’s a feeling about my own shit or in reaction to someone else, except by noticing if the feeling happened suddenly for no apparent reason when I was near someone who can confirm having a similar strong feeling. I seem to be reacting to something external. I just wish I knew what, in the vain hope that I could tone it down a bit.
It’s not a very likely angle for addressing the problem. But it’s a frustrating problem, so I keep dreaming.
You sound a bit like you have more than the usual allotment of empathy. (You also sound like Steve Jinx from Warehouse 13, but that is less overall helpful)
Stop fighting. Continue in a bit maybe, but first look.
You've brought the battle here to your strongest place. You have most of what you need here. You have support. You have friends and family. You even have entertainment. You have an entire life here. The energy of an entire life in this space. And it's a good life. You've made it good.
Draw a line around it. This is what really matters. Let everything else go for now. Stop wasting energy tripping up your own retreat, it's counterproductive.
This is where you hold the line. Dig in.
Don't prepare to fight. Prepare to stand.
You never fought the way people seemed to think you should. They had solutions. You had diagonals. This time you get to be right, about everything. This is your battle against whatever it is you decide to defeat. Eventually maybe everything, in the way that winning usually means you manage to convince the opponent to either accept a friendly truce or stay well clear.
Stop trying to enact really solid plans that are perfect in every way except that they don't work. Consider ridiculous plans to get some perspective, or at least a laugh.
This is the quiet period of unease. Reach out, dig down, and keep your own judgment. Keep steady. This next part is faith and gently setting aside feedback from people who are confused about what the fuck you could possibly be attempting, if anything, because it looks like nothing, but not normal nothing.
I have cut way back on soda consumption. This has many benefits:
Imagining my dentist's approval
The huge surplus of all my favorite soda for those times when I do want one
I figured out what to get my sister for Christmas!
She's not on the forums but...
Spoiler: spoiler anyway because it's a secret, shhhhh
It's a problem because she's geographically far enough away that I can't easily visit her. My lack of job plus the agoraphobia means it's even harder for me to travel. So I don't know for sure what movies she's got on her shelf or what lamp would look exactly weird enough on the corner table.
I kept thinking about that one scene in Buffy where Dawn gives Buffy a photo from a beach trip they went on together, in a frame she decorated with shells collected from the beach. I remember Dawn apologizing for how it's sort of a hokey gift, but Buffy is genuinely moved by it.
I was probably thinking of it because our relationship has often kind of reminded us of Buffy and Dawn.
In any case, I thought it was actually a damn good idea. I thought it would work better for me as a collage thing, so I went through my phone and found a fair number of selfies of the two of us, and photographic evidence of our various hijinks. I then purchased a frame that would allow me to include a selection of these things in an amusing display. It should get here in the next day or two. I've tested out my printing capabilities and available paper types, and it should be easy enough to get printouts of perfectly reasonable quality with my own computer.
I want to give a gift that explicitly shows how important our relationship is to me.
Now: Have some fun! Consider playing a video game! Maybe two video games! The world is your oyster!
And as you're feeling up to it, if you like, perhaps do a wee bit of cleaning here and there. Don't overdo it, but it's okay if you really want to.
Good job getting rid of that old comforter that was no longer in any shape to live up to the name. Remember last time you washed it and it ate your blanket and you didn't realize the blanket was even missing until you noticed the comforter was taking a preposterously long time to dry, and the batting got all twisted and wadded up as you extracted the blanket and it took forever to make it lie flat again? Theoretically you could sew the side seams back up to prevent further laundry vore, and maybe you could even redo the fancy pattern stitching that holds the batting in place. But the batting is in a bad way, just about to start shredding, and would probably need to be replaced entirely. Even if that sounded remotely reasonable, the actual outer fabric is worn enough that it's starting to fray in places. And let's be real, you do not need a sewing project in your life. So, farewell comfortable sleep friend with the confusing print depicting... were they supposed to be vegetables? I don't even know.
Still need to buy a replacement at some point. I'm actually kind of excited. I don't think I've ever selected a comforter completely by myself before. Our household has always had a few to spare, and they last such a long time that there's been no need to purchase another. The dorm bedding doesn't count because the selection was not wide and I was too frazzled to do anything more than confirm that the option my mom had marked was indeed the one I liked best.
So yes, cleaning as you see fit. That's fine, but mostly now is the time to relax.
Soon: The beautiful red book of C++ and doom. Time to bone up on data structures and assess how the recovery is going. And if it's going well enough, perhaps get in touch with API friend and beg for mercy. But first I wanna start out super slow. Like hello world slow. The slowest. Which is why the beautiful red book of C++ and doom, because that shit gets boring real fast unless someone happens to be using it as a vehicle to talk about side effects and left association and other things pertinent to how shit actually works. Always good to be reminded of that (while I pretend to make peace with object orientation). What I really want to do is dive back into where I left off in the Knuth chronicles, but I don't think that's the most useful idea. Later.
Kintsugi is based on the premise that nothing anyone can do or say makes it okay to treat them like trash. By logging in, you affirm that you understand this to be the foundational premise of the community. More on our community philosophy here.
Separate names with a comma.