aki's flailing at the world thread

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Akiv'a, May 13, 2016.

  1. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    More Lists to help me focus on what i gotta get done:

    • Get name change
    • Finish Car stuff
    • Get bank account or cred. union or whatever
    • Send out more job apps
    • set up CobaltSeraph
    • draw more dang art
    • xmas gifts and cards
     
  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    There's another bank my brother has talked about joining that I'm going to check out. If they don't have bullshit fees I might go w that. The office for our local credit union is p close to me too so I just need to try to get there on one of my days off. At the least I can get some info. I'll let you know if I find anything good.

    Also as long as you let me know a couple weeks ahead I can get time off for any court dates re: the name change so I can drive you.
     
  3. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    Also list of things I have to talk to my dr about. Not sure what's important and what's not. Personal reference:

    • My thumbs/fingers and even my palms have been having a burning sensation out of nowhere and my joints in them feel really weak. (sometimes it stops if i touch nothing for a bit but starts up again when i do).. also this is something thats happened on and off my entire life, but happened today pretty badly so I thought of it
    • I have to talk to him about how much Beth Israel sucked at the Autism Thing: "you're totally normal because you present normal to us despite all the issues you've described having to us"... they also told me "we don't care about why you do things". You're a fuckin psychologist, psychology is based on the 'why people do things' thing.
    • Idk if its dissociation or what, but even since I was young I'd randomly have times where my existence feels stale or Im understimulated or SOMETHING (i have no idea how to describe it accurately) idk if that even is accurate or makes sense. so I'd scrunch my face and hold my hands over my ears for like 20 minutes to make it stop and help me feel normal again. Sometimes making sharp noises helps.
    • I have a scab in my nose pretty far in that never heals and I've had it since I was like. 9. Sometimes I have nose bleeds from it.
    • I've been having digestive issues lately (diarrhea and feeling like my innars are being ripped apart/aching), though staring to take fish oil and children's gummy vitamins have helped a bit.
    • figure out what to do with the birth control issue: nurse told me ill have to go off it for 6 months or it could cause heart issues... but I can't function when i have my period, thats what I take bc for in the first place.
    • I have been feeling really fatigue-y for the past year or so despite sleeping enough and drinking enough water... even when I was able to eat well.
    • If I manage to move to boston, i wanna get a nutritionist and maybe a therapist.

    • EDIT: dry skin on single ankle. super itchy. scratch a lot. much blood. ow.

    Will add more when I think of things
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  4. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    Oh, thank! Yeah, I'm gonna try to see what's up with the name change thing... I really want to, but for some reason I was waiting til I got a job... I can't remember why, so I might just do it anyway.
     
  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    making a note here for Aki at their request

    Re: the testing. Remember when your old shitty PCP did the checkup after you got a concussion and she did that test to see if you could track her finger with your eyes. And when you couldn't, she was like "take this seriously!" as if you were messing up on purpose. Instead of being like "oh, that's because the concussion was bad, I should be concerned."

    That's basically what happened with the neuropsych testing.

    "we're testing to see if something is wrong. if the test shows something is wrong, clearly you didn't take it properly." Wtf?? that's not what a test is even for. They were full of shit and Sasha ran into the exact same problem with them.
     
  6. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    thank, will keep this all in mind. oh also talk to doc about getting some sort of notation for dyscalculia or whatever so that i can use it to not deal with cash register duty when i get a job. >.<
     
  7. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    Talk to the doc about: dry skin on single ankle that won't go away. >.<

    Finish Xmas gifts
    Finish that other application... cry about it afterward. dyscalculia is SHIT. also try to talk about dyslexia because that's a thing that happens and seems to be worse lately and idek why.

    I keep having to remind myself that you can have more than one thing going wrong with you at once and its not 'being over dramatic'. My mom called me a hypochondriac when i was growing up and had occasional 104 degree fevers or random pains. YET SOME HOW i simultaneouly hate attention, especially from doctors, and i tend to HIDE my pain and oftentimes cant even tell something is wrong until I collapse?????????????????? and even at that point i still hate the attention and dont wanna be there.

    screams internally i am so tired make the insomnia go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
    will probably have more to say tomorrow when im not keeling over.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  8. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    @Enzel gave me a list to do so here we goooooooooooooooooooo

    Bold: happened
    Italics: not sure

    My whole family is kinda like this in various ways. Family culture bullshit. MOST of this my mom. Some of it is my dad, but my dad is mostly old and clueless and doesnt want to get involved.

    Physical abuse
    • parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
    • parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good (my parents are OLD AS FUCK, my dad was born in 1927, mom in 1942 for reference)
    • parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
    • parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
    • parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
    • parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
    • parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
    • parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them (dad grabbed wrist, and twisted it backwards-- I have carpel tunnel-- as i ran past him)
    • parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
    • parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
    • parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
    • parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
    • parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat (growing up)
    • parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
    • parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
    • parent forced me into sexual activities
    Emotional abuse
    • parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once (A few things shes called me: "bitch", "witch", "hypochondriac", "evil", "selfish", "a monster", "horrible", "antisocial")
    • parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
    • parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun (all the time :D, not entirely sure if its for fun, but it SEEMS to be)
    • parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
    • parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
    • parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once (mom hates swearing, but my family thrives on yelling even when they arent angry about something)
    • parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
    • parent shamed me for my physical appearance
    • parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
    • parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
    • parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults (Brothers included in this one)
    • parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort (I still have no idea why people find hugs comforting, they make my skin crawl, I'd rather you hit me and I've never been hit by my parents before)
    • parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms (longass teenage highschool blow up story: i struggled in school and struggled with suicide/self harm/emotional issues and my mom said i just wasnt trying hard enough and shamed me for it among taking away things I liked that helped me barely cope)
    • parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness (My mom hates when I get excited about something and want to share it with her)
    • parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter (mom says it straight out too c: )
    • parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal (I'm thinking I'll have to write about my longass teenage highschool blow up story now)
    • parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal (Ditto :D)
    • parent compared me to cousins/other children (to prove to me that I'm not trying hard enough/an embarrassment to her and to try and make me work harder)
    • parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
    • parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change (still periodically does it, started when I was 12 and threatens 'I'm going to die soon/move soon so you have to get out of here asap')
    • parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
    • parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
    • parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy (by refusing to do anything I like to do, and as a result no one in my family actually knows what I like.)
    • parent assured me that nobody will ever want me
    • parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse (funny how im adopted so its extra hilarious that I found out my birth family is way better and even told me they tried to adopt me when I was a few days old)
    • parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker (See "mom had cancer when I was 11" story)
    • parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love” (And I try to tell her she hurt me and all I get is "I didn't mean it like that, I'll try harder" and then proceeds to forget she said she'd try harder)
    • parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time (She'd like me to be but thank god my reputation for being a self-centered shit face allows me to refuse at the expense of my self-worth spoons)
    • parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
    • parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge (not destroyed but mysteriously 'made them disappear' and simultaneously erasing their memories of said event when confronted about it)
    • parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
    • parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
    Psychological Abuse (NO ONE IN REAL LIFE EVEN BELIEVES SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY MOM.)

    • parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
    • parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
    • parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start (HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH ...mom)
    • parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
    • parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
    • parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it
    • parent threatened to leave me
    • parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
    • parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
    • parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
    • parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
    • parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
    • parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did ("I never said that!", "That's not what I meant!", and just general passive dismissal. I even have recordings of things my mom has said on my phone, and i would show them to her and she's still deny them).
    Neglect (A friend once told me when I was 15 and they were 14 "I'm going to call Child Services" if my mom continued to refuse to feed me when I didn't want to eat witht he family... TOO MANY PEOPLE)

    • parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly (She even taught me terrible eating habits when i was growing up. Being my supposedly autistic self, I pickily subsisted on various combinations of cheese, ranch dressing, bread, pizza and pepperoni to the point where I wouldn't branch out until I was forced to in high school. I am better now, VIA MY OWN EFFORT >.<)
    • parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
    • parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
    • parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma
    • parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
    • parent didn’t notice I was depressed
    • parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself (I wasn't cutting, I was having meltdowns where I would scratch my arms open. They didn't seem to care and labeled it as 'being melodramatic'. They also didn't consider that I might be autistic at this point)
    • parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
    • parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
    • parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
    • parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed (My mom thinks I'm exagerating about being sick when I have a 104 fever, or when im vomitting. She's called me a hypochondriac before without considering what a hypochondriac actually is, because I'm actually 100% the opposite X_X)
    • parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care (both parents lmao)
    • parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
    • when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
    Financial Abuse

    • parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
    • parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
    • parent only gave me minimal money to survive (Mom actively doesnt give me ANY money, really. I survive mostly on what my friends give me D: Dad may occasionally give me money but my mom sort of oversees it all)
    • parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
    • parent took the money I earned from me
    • parent used the money to blackmail me
    • parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
    • parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything (They have enough money to buy food and necessities and gifts for my niece and nephew they dont need-- kids are spoiled as FUCK-- and they refuse to buy my food that i need to survive saying I need to do XYZ to earn/deserve it-... I often don't have the spoons to do these things so i have to survive for 2 or 3 weeks on 4 days worth of food).
    • parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
    • parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
    • parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity (Re: I'm an artist so they waste my supplies that cost me my own $$$, to make me earn my own stuff from them. You're an artist and our kid, we can ask you to make us stuff because you owe us because we TAKE CARE OF YOU for free when normally youd be paid $200 for this ONE drawing. Except they dont really take care of me)
    • parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age (...I don't even know how taxes work and I'm almost 25. No one taught me, and I'll ask to get something WITH MY OWN MONEY and they will vaguely mention how "we don't have that much money" and that's about all I am in the loop for. Didn't even know I was allowed to be a part of knowing about family finances til i read this )
    • parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

    Being adopted sucks. A friend a long time ago once told me the reason i can't seem to get along with my family, and why my family seems even less willing to get along with or understand me is: "families all have their own brand of crazy. When you slam two types of crazy together, it's going to get chaotic in a BAD way'. Cuz when I met my biological cousins and my bio aunt and uncle-- they were surprisingly like me and i wasn't sure what to make of it to have an entire family of people who thought like me .___.
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
  9. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    Well, I think its time i organized what's in my food cupboard because my mom seems to think i have a lot of food to eat so she only buys me like two or three things (most of which are junk food snacks) a week and tells me she expects it to last until next shopping trip (which is about every 2 weeks).

    Admittedly it LOOKS like a lot of food but most of it actually is NOT food:
    Light Brown Sugar (almost gone)
    Dark Brown Sugar
    Italian dipping oil (no bread to go with it)
    Coconut Oil
    Honey
    Fish Sauce
    Hot Red Pepper Flakes
    Chile Lime Seasoning
    Saffron
    Thyme
    Himalayan Pink Sea Salt
    Sea salt
    Old Bay Spice (almost gone)
    21 Seasonsing blend
    Cajun Spice blend
    Veggie Bouillion Cubes
    Chicken Flavor Bouillion Cubes
    Tub of Gochujang
    Box of Curry Roux (Mild)
    Box of Curry Roux (Extra Spicy)
    Small container of Skippy peanut butter
    Salsa
    Pesto (1 or 2 meals)
    Pasta Sauce
    4 Boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese
    1 Box of Penne
    2 Boxes of Mediterranean Couscous
    1/2 Box of Kasha Whole Grain Buckwheat
    2 SHIN Ramyun
    1 Bag Buckwheat Noodles
    2 Bags of Rice Noodles
    1 Container of Gnocchi
    1 Bag of Wide Lo Mein noodles
    1 Box of Pumpkin Pancake Mix
    2 Boxes of Pumpkin Muffin Mix
    SHITTON of Rice
    Buckwheat Flour
    Masa
    3 Bags of Nori
    5 Bags of Instant Miso Soup
    1/2 a Cup of Cashews
    Wheat Germ
    Protein Powder
    1 Block of Tofu (2 meals)
    1/2 Container of Chipotle Hummus
    1 bag of Rice Cakes
    1/2 Tub of Gochujang
    SHITTON of Gochugaru

    So basically anything that has base meal potential, nutritional value and is actual food and not a supplement:
    Chipotle Hummus
    Tofu
    Cashews
    Miso Soup
    Kasha Whole Grain Buckwheat
    Buckwheat noodles
    Mediterranean Couscous
    Peanut Butter
    Pasta Sauce (I guess)

    I'm really hungry and have been for years and my mom keeps telling me I have SO MUCH FOOD and I EAT SO MUCH and thats why I'm SO OVERWEIGHT and should EXERCISE. but really, no, its because I eat what I have and pretty much run out of food within a week at best but im supposed to make this shit last 2 weeks. Also I can barely eat a fist sized amount of food at any given point unless im RAVENOUS which is surprisingly NOT OFTEN.

    TMI but I've eaten so much pasta that my body has started rejecting it. I was worried that I had celiac or something but no I'm fine with other flour based foods, its just specifically pasta and mac and cheese that make my body explode in pain and discomfort and sickiness.

    Blah... Next post will be Cooking Ideas for the stuff I DO have... but i have no spoons to actually cook because I AM HUNGRY and TIRED and ACHEY.

    Inventory will help I guess tho.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2017
    • Like x 1
  10. Ducks

    Ducks 79 Plural Fowl Illuminates The Legendary

    Can you ask for frozen veggies? (can you eat any kind of veggies?) Stock + rice + veggies = risotto for days.

    I'm struggling to think of what I could cook with what you have available. Your mum is a terror.
     
  11. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    @Ducks yeah i love veggies :( though risotto might get a little weird on my tongue if i eat it too much but rn it sounds amazing lmao. I can ask but I may not receive... >.<
    Yeah I'm spending some time looking for recipes. I managed to make a recipe for super low spoons version of ginger-miso soba but i need to eat something before i have the energy to even make THAT.
    I think ill try to be really minimalist and see if i can have some bread for peanut butter toast so i can get at least SOME energy back.

    Thank you for the risotto idea! I wanna try that now :)
     
    • Like x 1
  12. Ducks

    Ducks 79 Plural Fowl Illuminates The Legendary

    It at least is something that's not more pasta.

    Really cooked rice + honey + brown sugar + tiny bit of salt works as a simple dessert (I make it with milk but that takes a while and you might not have any)

    Good luck.
     
  13. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    @Ducks found some frozen peas so i think imma try that risotto. and mmmm that desserty type thing sounds really yummy actually. :9 thanks again.
     
  14. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    GROCERY SHOPPING HAS BEEN DONE AND SO MUCH DELICIOUS FOOD NAO. thanks @Enzel !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥♥!!!!!!
     
    • Like x 3
  15. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    Let's see, you can also throw rice in the miso soup to stretch it - "put extra noodles/rice in it" is honestly my secret food stamp survival staple. Throwing the rice in the salsa might also be... Well, not exactly good, but Not Horrible enough to get a meal or two out of. Probably quite a few similar "add a spice to a rice" things you could do there, I know saffron rice is a thing? The bouillon cubes likewise.

    I mean that doesn't make that less of a shitty selection, but you could survive on it.
     
  16. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    i just wish i could visit more often D: why do your parents live in the middle of nowhereeee. why is your mom so stingy about food. D:

    (lmao, remember when my mom used to guilt me about buying you food? maybe her question should have been WHY ARE YOUR PARENTS NOT BUYING YOU ENOUGH FOOD? but that would require her to be something other than a self absorbed asshole!)

    also i managed to get the foodler app back on my phone so i can send you pizza again :D
     
    • Like x 1
  17. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    @Starcrossedsky yeah, i was thinking about saffron rice tbh. It sounded fancy lmao. Unforunately I'd like to avoid noodles because my body just violently rejects them now because ive been surviving off it forever now. But the rice in the soup sounds good too-- or even cooking the rice IN the soup so it tastes like miso. Frying the rice in salsa would actually probably taste fine, and I have masa so I can make tortillas on a more spoon-friendly day so that would be even more tasty :O

    I did some grocery shopping finally, so I'll probably have some extra ingredients for the rice too!
    Thanks for the rice ideas, I always struggle to make it more interesting :D
     
    • Like x 1
  18. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    @Enzel Don't overdo the Foodler too much, even tho I super appreciate it XD I dont want to drain you of all your money. you need food too! BUTTTTT YESSSSsssss FOOOOooddd finally. thanks for taking me shopping. and idk why they chose this shithole???????? help lmao.

    and your mom is silly remember that time i cooked for her and she comaplined that you didnt cook it instead of thanking me? And then tried to force me to stay and eat my own food while saying it was an invitation so i just had to leave on my own :B Instead of getting a ride home at 9pm on the night before finals at school :D :D :D :D
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2017
  19. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    Yeah I saw that and that's why I was trying to avoid the pasta and throw around rice suggestions a lot. It's my go-to but I have... basically it's the reverse of the standard Autism Thing where people have to eat the same thing for breakfast every day or the day is just Wrong? I HAVE to have meal variety, after the second or third day of eating something I start to lose my shit a little.

    Saffron rice is kind of fancy and the recipe my friend gave me calls for onion for some reason??? I intend to try making it soon myself though because of the amount of saffron I found in a recent batch of Cleaning This Place Up. Sacks of frozen veggies thrown into pretty much any rice dish turns it into something with more variety that's absolutely a meal, too.

    I'm frankly boggled that your mother isn't buying you veggies if she's on a thing about your weight but Light knows abusive parents don't have to have a logic.
     
  20. Akiv'a

    Akiv'a ♛ Nyastronaut & Allagan Technyalogist

    @Starcrossedsky ARGH I FEEL THAT SO MUCH!! sometimes I want to eat the same thing for 3 weeks if its a NEW and SHINY food that I just found out I like or something, but normally I need variety every other day or so or I start feeling sick. My issue is if something is too bland I also feel sick, thats why I have half a cabinet full of spices/seasonings. and why i pour half a bottle of tabasco in every meal essentially. :P

    I have exactly 1 onion :o. And yes, I'm thinking various fried rices, and Ducks' idea for risotto would be good rice ideas! I need to start getting frozen veggies. My issue is my mom is also absurdly controlling about how much space I take up in the fridge. 8| so i can only get so many frozens or fridge things at a time sadly.

    I never even really considered my mom abusive or neglectful, but in hindsight I do have a memory of a friend telling me they would call child services if my mom kept threatening me with food or lackthereof. I'm an adult now, but I also am likely autistic, jobless and what little money I DO have needs to go towards GETTING THE F outta here. So still in the same 'i need mom to buy me food' boat and she's always had this thing about my weight, and the same habits of buying me basically nothing but a little bit of junk. >.<

    EDIT: I should say i was 15 when my friend told me she'd call child services. So this has been an all lifelong issue whoops.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2017
    • Like x 1
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