aki's flailing at the world thread

God I'm so anxious-- do I try to negotiate a higher salary or do i just start looking for a new job????

Also, realtor!!! Get!!! Back!!! To!!! Me!!! About!!! The!!!! Apartment!!!!

Did we get it or not?!?! ;__;

At least our current landlord apparently gave partner and I a ~*~glowing reference~*~ so at least there's that. And Metta (bestie who is trying to come move in with us) is so far passing the 'inspection' on her own merit which is a hell of a lot better than I thought we'd get. \

...Worried about breaking the news to the landlord about Metta's ESA cats, because the apartment is 'no pets allowed'... and I know that means they technically don't count as pets and the law is on our side, it still just makes me nervous lol...

 

Okay Aki, finish up your work so you can write for fun until you need to go home. T_T

 

if I HAVE to leave and get a new job, there's something satisfying about leaving on the same grounds as literally all the other 'in the field' employees they try to hire. Guys, fucking STEP IT UP. Stop being stingy and fucking serve the people you serve FAIRLY. Like you care. AT LEAST PRETEND YOU DO BECAUSE THIS IS PATHETIC. Just pay people a living wage, jesus christ.

 

hoooooly moly i start full time in August. But until then I'm working as much as I can. Still looking for an apartment and hopefully we will find one @_@ I'm so tired ;;;;

 

I'm so used to being unemployed, even though its been a year since I got my job, that I still feel this sense of impending doom when I'm trying to play ffxiv or other games instead of making art. or writing. Something more productive. But, I'm full time and i make enough to live so im like. UH... just play your game, its one of your hobbies dipshit. You make the money you use to play the game so make use of the game as much as you can lol. >_< So hard for me to get out of that mindset.

 

So maybe a week ago i was told I'd be making a dollar more than I had been before going full time. Turns out it's 2$ more. That's at least liveable so I feel a bit less stressed aaaa

 

Wow, fuckin life is shit. I can't. ifkldfg

Spoiler

I've concluded that I don't think that I'm really capable of working due to autism/disability and I'm not really sure what to do about it because where I live SSI is not even a FRACTION of what I make at work and work doesnt even cover what I need to live so like

lol

also my doctors keep dragging their feet about even the smallest shit so i doubt i could even get the care i need even after all this worldwide chaos is over

I'll probably put in some effort to find a therapist but they've never worked for me and some have straight up been abusive and im really not keen. and i dont need validation or coping strategies, i need actual change that i cant afford to make in my life because im too fucking poor.

It's like yeah ok go back to to school. okay first of all, for fucking what. I hated school and its not built for disabled people. Secondly at this point i need a masters to make the money i need at this point so either i go back to my old expensive ass uni, load up on scholarships and grants like last time, and extend my art related degree or go into art therapy of some kind or sit through an entirely new masters program from the beginning. Awesome, not that into it. Takes too much time and money to get. Time and money i dont have. I already work 40 hours a week for literally basically nothing (where I live anyway, it buys you more or less nothing), and moving isnt an option because I cant drive and i doubt id ever be capable of actually doing it because my brain wiring is so fucked and i dissociate all over the place constantly.

I have literally no energy left by 20 hours of work. What energy would i have left for going to school and doing well there after my 40 hours work week. That's just a trainwreck waiting to happen.

so its like yanno, classic capitalism issue of 'need money to get thing but need thing to get money'.

I am literally trapped, i fuckin feel it and this pandemic has hella amplified it on top of my physical health just taking a huge nosedive.

I just want to make art and write but i cant even do that anymore because of the climate of everything and the autistic burnout I've had since 2013 when I hit my head on the train tracks. ARgh

I'm also not built to network, im not a social person nor do i want to be. so like

extra fucked