i know this is probably not the best place to rant, but i don't have anywhere else except my tumblr and i'd like to keep negativity off of it for now. But, yeah, what it says in the tin. For a bit of context: In the past... two years or so, there's been a Babymaking Explosion in my family. Today we have the baby shower of yet another great-granddaughter and, look, babies are nice and everything, congratz to my cousin and his wife, but i just. don't. care. about the baby shower. about going to see the baby in the hospital when it's born. The last time this cousin in particular and his wife were even in the same room as me was in my grandma's 80th birthday party... in 2009. true, i could probably have met them if i went to more family gatherings, but this circles back to the fact that i'm not a social person, im constantly running on low spoons and look, family stuff is boring and infuriating. i'm not particularly close to any of my extended family. they aren't part of my life, we don't visit each other, most have never called home or visited or even like our facebook posts - which nowadays is like, the bare minimum of 'being part of someone's life' standards - unless they need my mom's signature in some medical paperwork, or money. we don't have much common ground, IF someone even notices i'm there they'll talk about me either being fat and how i should totally do a gastric bypass like my now-totally-hot-cousin, or me being a NEET and how i should value my mom's efforts more, or me being stupid for dating long-distance, which are essentially the same three subjects they've asked in family gatherings for the past six years, and they'll mutter darkly about my grandma's state of mental health and nod as they say that 'someone should do something about her' in front of me, then pat each other on the back for being so loving right in front of me, when i am the one who stays with her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, hell or high water, being the one who deals with all her temper tantrums and her yelling and her controlling behavior and not being able to live outside my own bedroom and jUST BECAUSE SHE HASN'T FOUND A WAY FOR ME TO NOT CLOSE MY DOOR LIKE SHE'S DONE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. ok im a bit stressed about this. sorry. and also i know that it'll be painful ven if they do what they usually do and let me sit sulking in a corner because 99% of my family are right-wing and slightly homophobic, while i'm a closeted bi girl who thinks that, like, all people should have the right to decent living and such revolutionary commie ideas. and it's like. unpleasant!!! and hypocritical!! i have nothing to do with their life, we're not close, i didn't even know she was pregnant until like two weeks ago and the damned thing is almost popping out, why should i act like i am soooo happy and excited and pretend the little womb nugget is going to impact my life sooo much? i wouldn't want them around me if i were the person who was pregnant, i'd want the people that i like and that will be part of my life as a parent, yknow. not some whatever cousin whose name i still don't get right after like 10 years of bing married into the family. (it's mariannE, not mariannA) and my mom's just made a three hour shitfest out of me not being thrilled about going, insisting in yelling to my grandma that oh, it's not her fault if she couldn't raise me with the minimal sense of family kinship!!! and i'm just. lmao. fuck family kinship. im not interested in the kinship of people i have nothing else in common with than just a fraction of DNA. i don't have any ill will towards them, but... i don't. care. my family is my mom, my grandma and my fiancé, not the rest of the appendages. i mean it's almost at the same level of i simply don't care that i have for my father's side of the family, and i literally don't know them because my father abandoned us before i was born and i've never met him, much less his side of the family. so like. i feel terrible for not having the spoons or the willpower to make a big deal out of (very good!!) news from people i don't have much contact with? and also i would find it creepy if they made a big deal out of my accomplishments? i cant shake the feeling that i'm a terrible person for disappointing and upsetting my mom and that i should make the effort and use the spoons i could be using to do things that make me actually less miserable instead of more. like she says the family will be 'so devastated' if i don't go but honestly most of my other cousins won't and nobody ever notices. i've thought of just going and being confrontational and unpleasant, but that'd cause an even bigger shitstorm and i don't want to damage grans' health more than it already is. but sometimes being around them, as ridiculous as it sounds, just feels too much. i know i shouldnt be complaining because there's a lot of people here with real problems with really shitty families and i'm complaining with my plate full but i really just wanted to... vent. and stop kicking myself for not being a perfect daughter who never upsets mom, i guess.