Am wondering.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by one blue jean, May 4, 2015.

  1. one blue jean

    one blue jean Half a blue jean

    So this seems like a good place to ask questions like this.
    I have a friend who has a sort of shoddy home life and it's making them feel out of control.
    They appear to be subconsciously reacting to this by acting sort of controlling towards me and other friends who regularly communicate with them.
    Now this is understandable but it also it a bit draining of energy.
    Does anyone here have any advice on how to explain to them how their behavior is frustrating without them returning to talking about how they feel out of control?
    And am I being a terrible friend for even questioning giving all my energy towards this?
    Thanks, y'all from the little I've read from here seem nice.
  2. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    1) Hi, I think I just broke my brain trying to imagine your username.
    2 ) No you are not a terrible friend for feeling uncomfortable with someone acting like a dick. Even if they´re in a bad situation, that doesn´t give them to right to take it out on you.
    3 ) I don´t really have good advice for you, because my solution to such a friend involved cutting of contact, because I can´t deal with more than my own brainweird.
  3. one blue jean

    one blue jean Half a blue jean

    Yeah I can't cut contact.
    And I'm usually good at managing other people's brain weird it's just that things keep just...
    I just needed a place to talk.
  4. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    I guess maybe you could bring up the fact that they're making you feel out of control. But. That could also be super bad, because it could sound like you were comparing them to their own unpleasant situation. I mean, I guess you could have a talk with them about boundaries, because boundaries are important to everyone, and it's possible that if their own boundaries are being infringed on, they might not have a super clear idea of where boundaries should be.

    But no, you definitely aren't a terrible friend for feeling like this. Self-care should always be your number one thing. It kind of sucks that in a lot of cultures, we're discouraged from doing that, especially because it's really unhealthy to try to give all of yourself away.

    If you can't get them to slow down on the controlling issues, you can definitely always come here to talk. It helps to vent.

    (also my only mental image that I can come up with for your username is, like, a pair of blue jeans, but cut in half so there's only one pant leg. horrific. A+)
  5. one blue jean

    one blue jean Half a blue jean

    Thank you so much for the advice.

    My instinct is always give away give away.

    It's just that for example I posted on my Tumblr that I was having some issues and they responded with you have to be okay I don't have the energy to worry for you.

    Do they think I have infinite spoons then?
    I understand their situation is really awful but both myself and another friend are in that stage at the end of the year where all of our spoons are dedicated to Papers and Homework and more Papers and more Homework.

    And yet, alass, we must still expend spoons.
  6. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    You are not a bad person. This sort of situation is hard to deal with, for everybody involved. I am also a give-give-give person, so I feel ya.

    You have stuff you need to spend spoons on - papers, homework, etc. Also self-care. If you can't cut your contact with this person, which is fine (sometimes it's not an option), here are some options:
    • remind yourself that you don't actually have to respond to their communication instantly. even taking your response time from <30 seconds to >2 minutes will make a big difference. if they fuss, remind them that you've got papers and stuff - you're not ignoring them, you're trying to get shit done.
    • are they being controlling over things you actually need to care about? if not, it's probably not worth your spoons to debate the issue. this one may ebb away in time. if they are trying to control things that you need to do something about ... then it's probably necessary to have a conversation about this at some point. not sure how to proceed on this one.
    • if posting to your Tumblr is twigging their "no i cannot care about you right now so you can't have problems" (which is bs and they also need to learn some of these things), then yeah, vent here. Tumblr drama is not worth the spoons. if you need it non-Googlable there is the Top Serket forum.
    • try to schedule some more self-care that does not involve them. if they fuss, again, you're in end-of-school mode and you need a breather. stick to this.
    • remind your brain that A) it is not your responsibility to fix their problems, and B) you don't have to spend all your time thinking about them. (you may think, "well, random person on the Internet, I don't" but I guarantee you that you're thinking about them more than you need to.) this is a mindfulness practice. you worrying about them isn't gonna fix shit-all. you'll be way healthier if you put the thoughts about this person in a mental box and stick it in your mental closet for the time being.
    It is possible that once the end of the school year has come around, everyone involved will have a little more room to breathe and things may get better - or at least there may be some more room to have conversations about stuff.

    Again, this is not callous or selfish. You cannot care for and love your friends if you actively want to throttle them. You always need time for yourself and that is okay.

    *hugs* if desired. Hang in there.
    • Like x 1
  7. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Yeah, the whole 'you have to be ok because im not' is...probably nit toxic in the sense of malicious, but def an unhealthy thing to believe for either of you. If she can't support you then fine, she can't; if that upsets her she should unfollow you. But she doesnt get to dictate how you are 'allowed' to feel or where you 'have' to spend your spoons. You both need to work on boundaries badly here.
    • Like x 3
  8. one blue jean

    one blue jean Half a blue jean

    *they but yeah.
    From now on I'm using "names"
    "they" is the friend
    "That one" is a friend who is also dealing with this and giving too many spoons at time.
    "Other one" is a slightly less involved friend.
    Yeah. Both myself and another friend have been slowly pointing out that we don't owe them that.

    I have been trying with boundaries more, and things have actually started to go better in their life slightly so they've calmed down a bit.

    I try to respond less rapidly, because god damn it I'm commuting and need to do other things then talk yet again about how terribly their parents are.

    The only thing that really upsets me is this one incident.
    So this person has some topics that are not to be touched. If you mention them around them they will, if it is in person, react with loud nos, or if over messaging write NO NO very loudly.

    Now this is alright, I have Not To Be Touched topics as well, at least on bad days.
    It's just that while we try to respect their wishes here, at one point a topic was brought up in a group chat that Other One was uncomfortable with, because it involved a part of That One's mental health that was a touchy subject for both Other One and That One for reasons I didn't ask.
    They asked repeatedly to be told what it was, several times, even after Other One wrote No No No in chat.

    There is also the sneaking suspicion that both That One and I have that They are not aware entirely that we have lives? Like, They obviously know we have lives, we aren't online 100% of the time, (though unlike They our parents don't creepily monitor our internets, to an extreme that is sort of horrible and I'm not getting into it here), but they're not aware of it too? Like, making That One apologize sometimes for not responding immediately.

    Here's the thing, I am actually on this sight as a different account, One Blue Jean is a sub account. The friend I'm talking about is also on this sight and I'd rather not trigger a freak out. We;re going to have to confront them eventually but for now we really don't think it's the right time. I'm really grateful for all the advice but I'm going to be weird about posting infrequently because well, i don't know.
    I'm really sorry my brain is telling me this is Talking Behind Back, though if friend doesn't recognize Their behavior well enough to recognize themselves in this I guess that just shows the problem?
  9. one blue jean

    one blue jean Half a blue jean

    Something I ended up sending to That One, after a conversation w/ They.
    You don't have to apologize for not responding
    I might wonder where you are but
    Your time is your god damn time.
    It's just.
    He assumes my actions on tumblr and [forum] relate to him often.
    Also at one point I posted about how my binder was being weird on [trans thing forum] and he responded with I don't have the energy to worry for you.
    Does he think I have infinite spoons or something?
    Sorry I'm being mean.
  10. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Thats totally impossible to read an highlighting it on my phone just makes it very pale blue on slightly less pale blue, also impossible to read. I hope you're both ok though. :(

    (Sorry for fucking up pronouns, idk why i failed at reading comp there.)
  11. wes scripserat

    wes scripserat Hephaestus

    I agree with the boundary putting up.
    Last edited: May 6, 2015
  12. Aya

    Aya words words words

    This is an analogy I've seen used in a lot of places. I don't even know where it comes from. But here goes:

    If you're on an airplane, they give you a safety speech, and one of the things that they tell you is about decompression. If something causes decompression on an airplane, then there will be a much lower concentration of oxygen in the air. Commercial airliners drop oxygen masks if low oxygen is detected.

    As part of the speech, they tell you explicitly that if you have someone who will need assistance getting their mask on with you, you should get your mask on first. If you pass out from low oxygen trying to get the mask on your traveling companion, you could both die. If you get your mask on and then help them with theirs, they may be gasping for a few moments and it could be unpleasant and frightening for them, but they will be okay as the oxygen comes through.

    You have to put yourself first and take care of yourself first. It may seem like a good thing to help other people with all that you have, but there are times when that is genuinely irresponsible. If you run out of spoons, you can't help anybody.
    • Like x 6
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