Amber graduated! a mental health and friends thread

Spoiler: journal 3: electric boogalee

So!! Today was partially productive and partially one long anxiety attack. lol. so i woke up and had a bit of a finger tremor; i've had such things before from dehydration or malnourishment or faeries or something. But of course my brain went 'this is it, you definitely have serotonin syndrome' and i was on and off focusing on that like all day. the leg shaking has definitely increased, but I don't seem to have any other restlessness to go with it. I'm able to just lie around, I was able to get nearly an hour of artwork done in the late afternoon with my normal attention span of ~20 minutes before I take a short break. And I managed to take short breaks and get right back to it, which doesn't always happen. Falling asleep last night was pretty normal. Maybe took a biit longer than my optimum? but definitely within my normal falling-asleep parameters.
i'm also maybe a bit more shakey in general today?? but it might be the nerves, when I get distracted I don't really notice anything. oh body full of nocebos, you're so freakin hard to read.
I got a activation code for a site from my doctor wherein i can message her directly!! so i messaged her about the jitteryness to ask if she thought it was ok or if it might indicate something more serious, the site says it'll take 48 hours or less to get a response so that is. nice. tho being that its new years idk if itll be that fast. I'd really like it to be, though.

 

Journal 4: the day i decide no more spoilers

So today has had much less anxiety!!!! I actually had a pretty good day. I've done 2ish hours of drawing and hope to get a bit more done later tonight, most of the progress was on my senior film, too! stuff that's easier to persuade my mind to do, but still. nice to get it going. I woke up actually feeling well rested and energized today and had some moments where I just. Felt more energetic and awake in general? Idk how much is placebo and how much is the drug workin but i feel like it might be startin to work. Or I just had a lucky day and two nights of good sleep let me catch up? Either way it's about the most productive day I've had in the last monthish. The leg-shaking/hand-flapping thing is still happening like.. 4ish times a day I think? But it's not super unpleasant tbh. My hands, if they're shaking more than normal at all, is just a minimal shake, I can draw cleanup lines no problem so probly not actually a thing. I did manage to message my doctor about the side-effects though and hopefully will get a response before too long!
Overall, much calmer, much more thinking that maybe the meds will actaully be effective for me maybe.

 

-increases long-distance encouragement-

Symptoms will keep changing in the first few weeks, and whatever your body is predisposed to will act up while it's getting used to the new chemical norm. Nothing sounds worrying right now :3

 

Many thank!!!! I'm mostly just pushing the side effect worry to the corner of my brain now, since some of the goods are starting to appear :3

So!!! Journal 5:
It was a good day!! Like legit good! It was undecorate the christmas stuff day which usually takes all my spoons because i have such choice paralysis when it comes to 'just do something and be productive to help' things but it went well! I feel like I'm making decisions quicker?? Like my problem has always been that there's a moment when I think that I need to do a thing where my brain hesitates on whether to do it now or later, and since later is the less-spoons option, it almost always takes that. And right now it's feeling easier to tell myself 'just do it' and get up? That might be placebo but fuck it either way it's great. I actually had a good time with undecorating and I was able to get a good 2-3 hours of drawing in; including starting on a prequarter assignment and getting a bit more done on my senior project!!! Oh and I managed to get myself to stop avoiding joining a call/hangout with people I sometimes feel like don't like me and actually join and talk and it was a good time! turns out one of them might be able to visit me since they're gonna be touring SCAD for a grad program (@littlewhitemouse SIS IM GONNA MEET NIFTY-SENPAI IN THE FLESH)
so yeah!! good day. I'm still doing the leg bounce thing/arm flap thing, can't tell if it's increasing or leveled out though?? idkkk. I'm still weirded out by it when I think about it, but it's not an unpleasant sensation when it happens. If the improvements I felt today are from the drug I wonder if this might just be a big high of a dosage and I could go down to 5mg??? idk ill talk to the gp about this more soon. Oh! And I'm getting the common side effect of constipation, I think, which is annoying but not a travesty :P stomach's chilled down, almost no nausea feelings just not much hunger feelings, i only ate two slices of toast and a glass of chocolate milk before doing the two hours of undecorating and didn't realize I was underfed until I finished and realized I was shaking and weak

 

Whoops missed a day there!! Uh. Wasn't the best day yesterday; didn't get much in the way of art done, but I did socialize with kintsugi people and pack for college!! So that's something at least. Reaaally don't remember much in detail, which is why I need to make this journal :P

So!! Today!
We drove back to my dorms! a 4 hour drive, had to get up at 9 so i only got like.. a little less than 8 hours of sleep but other than being tired and headachey in the morning i was good. Drive was nice, only had some temporary car anxiety. Got in and was l: at finding all but like, 5 of my many, many posters had fallen over break, but i managed to spoons enough to spend an hour re-taping them so they'd stick better and putting them back up! Then right after my new roommate arrived!! She seems pretty chill, more in the really casual nerd area where they like some mainstream scifi/fantasy or like, mcu, but hey, theyre not judging my posters visibly so they're not bad :P also a casual horserider like me, so thats good! super nice, bought me panera, doesn't mind my mess, so i'm more relaxing about living situation. And I managed to get my prequarter assignments and some organizational stuff done before it got to be at/past the time I wanted to go to bed!! I barely put off one assigment at all and the other I got set up before I put it aside for a while, and thats cause it was an hour long video that I had to watch :P Got through it tho just like 10 minutes ago. I didn't notice the jitters as much this day but I'm also feeling like I'm just getting used to them? But like, I don't think I did much of any in the 4 hour car ride and only a few times that I noticed during the day. if that side effect goes away I will be 100% good with continuing this medication for a while longer i think. even if it stays at this level tbh, i do think its helping with my executive function and mood overall already.
bluh not super looking forward to gathering spoons on figuring out how to get more of it though

 

Hello!!! I'm going to remember this like every other day now apparently.
So!! Going to class is super fucking exhausting and I don't understand how anyone does anything productive within two hours of going to a class @.@ but on the plus side I'm managing to do productive things within the same day as going to class, which is a step up from last term. I think the jitteriness might be going down? I didn't notice it as much today at least. I also actually managed to call the psych to clear up some cancellation things and reschedule the stuff i missed; since i mostly went to them to get meds idk if i'll actually keep up with going to them after this but. i'll talk about it more tomorrow when i go. i got a reschedule for tomorrow at 10 which is =.= but hey its only 11 pm and im actually sleepy so i guess i can actually get enough sleep and wake up at 9? weeird.
but yeah! My productivity is up day to day, I managed to get some homework done tonight, not quite as much as i'd have liked, but hey, it's the first evening of the weekend and i had class this morning. i also got myself to go print some things, including a thing i need to fill my prescription, which is usually a chore i put off forever. the self-doubt and negative brain talk is still happening but thaaats something i can continue cbt with my school mental health counselor for the next six months to help with. soo yeah! I'm liking trintellix, so far it's helping. it's not like, creating miracles where i do homework nonstop but i feel like it's definitely increased my ability to go ahead and start a thing when i think about starting it. and im good with that for now, its honestly feeling so good to actually feel accomplished and do things.

 

a literal month later; something completely different

why is it so hard to ask people to not do a thing that bothers you and why do i have to feel guilty every time i do it
(also the drugs are working good, i'm not 100% but im consistently better than I was 99% of the time beforehand)

 

so hey actual status update on how the meds are going, that sounds like a good idea;

I'm not at like, Full Neurotypical, but I don't think that's what drugs are supposed to do :P no side effects other than the jitters have happened, I tried An Alcohol and found that I feel effects of alcohol quicker (like, the 1 drink i had felt more like 1.5 drinks) and have a bit more pronounced after-feeling of it (aka i woke up a bit ooky in the morning, a thing that usually doesnt happen to me with just one drink). Trying an alcohol has finally given me the last relax about this drug; i don't party-level drink much at all but i like casual one or two drink nights and i wasn't gonna be much about a life where i cant do alcohols at all.

Uh. Homework has been going.. well? I guess? I still have a lot of internal conflict about doing work, and it's gotten worse in the last few weeks, but that's mostly because I've been having five different things going on at once and it's been really, really hard to manage my spoons. I'm definitely overtaxed and have learned my lesson about splitting my focus too many ways :P I went to Universal Parks w/ my sister last weekend which helped amazingly to destress me (theme parks are like, insta-depression/anxiety-killers for me, i love them ;o; ) And I was feeling a lot better yesterday and less better today? It's weird.
On one hand; my desire to consume new media has been returning! One thing I lose quickly when I'm really stressed is my desire/ability to watch new shows/read fanfiction and stuff like that, because I just feel guilty about losing myself in other worlds and it's really really hard to pull myself out of that and back into doing irl work so I'd avoided it during school, and whenever i felt like i had to get stuff done, which has been practically 100% of the time for like, years now.. but like. i read fanfiction and also did homework (which turned out great!!! I got a 94% grade out of the toughest teacher in the major!!!!!!! in the type of animation he really loves!!!!!!!) on sunday, and also read more fanfic today and i feel like actually picking up the transformer comics again and finally finishing yuri on ice... so yay!! my time outside of doing schoolwork is turning back into enjoying fandomworks instead of just watching lets plays and other random youtube stuff again!! that's great!
but also like.. yeah i feel a deep desire to just keep reading fic instead of getting back to animating... even though i legit want to animate the thing i'm animating. thanks brain?????
shrugs deeply.
But uh in general.. I am sorta typing this all down because it's hard to me to sorta keep in touch with how my mental health trends are going; I was feeling like the meds aren't working at all anymore because I've had several bad days where I put work off and have semi-last-minute panics. But really thinking back... last term most every piece of homework at all I had for my health class I did less than an hour before it was due, in totally legit last minute panics, not to mention completely skipping over an entire unit of it. This term last sunday was the first time I had to stay up late to finish something due the next day, and that was only because I underestimated how long it would take me; I'd been working on it on and off starting at 4 in the afternoon that day, and once I realized how long it would take I managed to focus in without much struggle. I'm behind on most my things right now but I'm getting good grades in all my classes.. right now I think I have an A and two high B's, and it's midterm. Last term I nearly got two C's and I had I'd say a third as much work as I do right now, so like. Even though I'm still having some bad days, when I take the time to look back there's definitely improvement.
So... yeah. I just sorta needed to recap and make myself feel better. I'm gonna go animate now

 

eyyyyyy; first time spending some of the middle of the night woken up and in the bathroom feeling nauseous in like two months. an accomplishment???

 

-squints- an accomplishment. Yes. I do believe this is what accomplishments look like.

 

wheeeeeeeee its my first last minute assignment crisis of the term, which in itself is sorta impressive. but also oh my god i pretty much forgot how much last minute crises suck and god i hate this feeling. brb crawling into the earth forever

 

ha ha haa how the fuck did i survive terms without antidepressants holy shit

 

liking because of Relatable Content

 

Hang in there Amber, we are all rooting for you!

Spoiler: large image - KO getting kinky with Smokescreen sfw

your fav robob and his latest victim, happy valentines day!

 

late response but aaaaa thank >w<

random update! I had a pretty bad week last week but the clouds seem to have lifted post-storyboard presentation, I managed to finally re start working on senior film shots i'd been putting off and getting to that too stressed to work on it becuase i feel bad about not working on it point, and i think i've gotten to a mode where i can keep working them up and be happy with my progress, huzzah!
I've managed to do a good few productive things without too much struggle, including today actually updating my whole website way before I started pushing myself to doing it because i actually got bored and decided to get it done with??? wtf brain how'd that happen and why don't you do it more often
also had career fair this morning; only sorta bleh is i ended up not going to one of the three companies i'd intended to because by the time i got to them i would've had to wait 3 hours for a like 5 minute talk and i didn't want to make my ride, who was already done, wait thaaaaaaaaat long. they were one of the less-well suited to my area companies anyways, i got the big two and i'll probably message and apply to that company online anyways.
I'll be following up with those companies monday morning and now that i've got all my stuff updated i'm going to start trying to make myself apply to like. two places a day starting monday. at least that's the plan.
-determinedface- job search!!!

 

I!! Fixed my website up without any grief!! and I did my first job application! And did my follow up emails!
I also reread this thread and holy shit I feel so much less shit than i did last term, holy wow. Like i'm not neurotypical but i am actually doing things, and mostly I don't feel like total shit about my art anymore. I've started being able to believe that my art is alright, and i don't feel overwhelming shame at showing my reel.
i still, like, feel some shame. but. still, it's an improvement.

i am frustrated that i let myself fall out of going to therapy. i missed one appointment and i just haven't called or shown up or anything since because it's so god damn easy to put that off and i keep forgetting >.< and now i'm at that anxiety about showing up again and having to apologize so much thing. just. bluh. i should go to group this weekend but i dont remember when it is

 

Man I'm so ready for this term to be over. A week and a half left. Ive got more to do this weekend than I thought but I'm strangely not very worried

I think the #1 good thing antidepressants are doing for me is I have a lot less of the urge to go into a negative thought panic spiral at homework. It's almost too good cause I'm now not getting nervous about finishing things until almost too late? But that's better than before, and I have more spoons for getting things done without nerves now and man, doing things without negative feelings being the motivator is crazy awesome

 

a thing i've realized now that i'm on meds: this feeling i've been calling stress may have actually more been guilt?? Like i still get stressed but my guilt over not doing things right now, or guilt over not having gotten stuff done earlier, is so much less. i still feel it sometimes and it still tries to get in the way of me getting my work done, but damn. this terms' finals are no less crazy (honestly moreso crazy) than any of my previous terms but i am 1000% less dead over them. it's about 26 hours until i need to be done with my first final and i'm feeling confident?? about it?? like there's stuff that's not where i'd wanted it to be but im still feeling accomplished despite that??? what is this mysterious emotion of positivity

 

btw @Kaylotta ; thank you so much for your comments at the beginning of this thread. it honestly pushed me to seriously consider and pursue getting medication, which has made my life so, so much better than last term in almost every way.

 

i'm so glad to hear that. i've been checking in and reading along, and i'm so proud of what you've been doing. well fucking done, friend.